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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Aibu to mind that my dh doesn't want me to go with him?

25 replies

flupi · 03/03/2017 21:20

On the plus side I get a day to myself to do whatever I want- rare
But... tomorrow my dh is going to visit his family, parents and sisters who all live in the same town about 2 hours drive away. His mum has mild dementia and wants to see our dog! Dh has made a lame excuse that there isn't enough room in the van he has borrowed from work to drive there for me (as he's bringing back a bed - not really relevant but explains the lack of space). I had a look and it would be fine really. I'm hurt that he obviously finds it easier to face them all without me. I'm the opposite- when I visit my family I like him to be with me. I don't know what to do, if anything, or say, if anything. Does anyone have any advise please?

OP posts:

Patriciathestripper1 · 03/03/2017 21:22

Go out god the day and enjoy yourself. His family don't doubt much fun

Patriciathestripper1 · 03/03/2017 21:22

Sound much fun!

Jenniferb21 · 03/03/2017 21:26

Because his mum had dementia maybe he is worried how upsetting he'll find it and it will help him going home to you being a bit oblivious to it so he can take his mind off things? Or he may wish to spend time with them alone. I'm married but do enjoy just seeing my mum on my own I must admit... only sometimes of course.

I wouldn't take it to heart id enjoy your free day if it's really going to bother you ask him you should be able to ask your H anything?

X X

DrivingMeBonkers · 03/03/2017 21:28

Do you think perhaps, he's embarrassed about his mum?
Or alternatively, he just wants some quality time with her.
It's not a reflection on you. People are allowed to remain, individuals, even within a relationship. He's allowed to employ his own coping mechanisms for his mother's dementia.

haveacupoftea · 03/03/2017 21:36

Why do you even want to go? You arent attached at the hip. Let him get on with it.

Meloncoley2 · 03/03/2017 21:39

Have you met them before? I think it's a bit strange that he has come up with what does sound like a lame excuse.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 03/03/2017 21:43

4 hours sitting in a van?
I'd be grateful he's given you a reason not to do this!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 03/03/2017 21:44

He is saving you from in laws and you are mad why??!

Original poster

flupi · 03/03/2017 21:46

Yes I've met them lots of times before. We do plenty of things separately. It's more a case of I'm disappointed he doesn't want my support.

OP posts:

greenthings · 03/03/2017 21:47

Did you say anything to him about this, ask him? There may be a number of explanations for this. You can imagine them or draw your own conclusions, but equally you could ask him how he was feeling about the whole thing, and did he not want your support?

pictish · 03/03/2017 22:07

If he's happy to take you long the rest of the time I wouldn't worry about it. I think it's ok for him to see his family on his own.

pictish · 03/03/2017 22:08

What does he need support with? You don't say.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/03/2017 22:24

Why not just ask him?

'DH, I know you want to go alone, so you should, , but I'm feeling hurt by that & I'd like to know why you don't want me to come. There's plenty of room for both me & the bed, it's a flimsy excuse & I'd rather be told the truth please'

PositivePeggyNans · 03/03/2017 22:48

I am jealous I wish my husband would go and see his family on his own

OddShoe · 04/03/2017 06:08

I can see why you're upset.

It's not because you want to go it's because he doesn't want you there and won't tell you the real reason why. I'd be annoyed at that too.

Sugarlumps333 · 04/03/2017 06:10

I think yabu OP, he is allowed to visit them on his own - maybe he just feels like spending some quality time alone with them. Don't think he should have to explain.

smurfit · 04/03/2017 06:22

If it's a support thing, then frankly, it's not about you. If it's something he's struggling with, perhaps he needs space. Go out for the day and let him come to you when he's ready.

scorpio1981 · 04/03/2017 06:43

Why are you upset? Enjoy the day by yourself and do what you want. I can't think of anything worse than being under a three-line whip to visit relatives. Maybe they don't like you and he's trying to spare your feelings? Perhaps he just finds it easier to cope without having to tread the delicate line between you and them? Give him some space. Meanwhile chill, book yourself into a day spa and just let it roll over you.

ScarletForYa · 04/03/2017 06:48

Leave him to it OP.

Yabu. He might feel a bit suffocated and need a bit of time on his own. You're being a bit clingy.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/03/2017 06:58

YABU - why can't he see his family on his own for once?

skerrywind · 04/03/2017 07:18

I find this really odd.

You and your OH are not joined at the hip. You are both free to have relationships that don't involve each other- especially family relationships. OH and I often go to visit family without each other, tbh we arre both grateful that we don't drag each other along.

OP these people ultimately are his family, not yours, it's very understandable that he wants to spend close family time with them.

I would be happy for the day to myself and go and do something enjoyable.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/03/2017 07:33

It sounds like YABU on the face of it, but context is all. Is there a bit of a back story here? Has your OH left you out of things or done things sneakily in the past? Do you suspect him of doing something he shouldn't while he's over there? Do you generally struggle with feelings of insecurity due to, say, a difficult childhood? Or is it just that you nearly always are joined to the hip because that's how your relationship has always worked but now he suddenly wants to do this differently?

Champagneformyrealfriends · 04/03/2017 07:36

Maybe he just wants a quiet drive listening to the radio or his music. Some people like alone time.

skerrywind · 04/03/2017 07:40

he obviously finds it easier to face them all without me

"facing" his family? An odd word to use.

"I'm the opposite- when I visit my family I like him to be with me"

I also find this quite strange. It must be quite frustrating for your family not to be able to spend time with you alone.

As much as my OH gets on with my family I know it's nice for us to spend time without him there. I get on really well with my OHs family too, but again I understand that they sometimes want times with just him.

All is fine with me.

kittybiscuits · 04/03/2017 07:42

Why doesn't he want you to come?

Flip