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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When is it ok to refer to step child as your own

96 replies

Crowdblundering · 03/03/2017 18:12

Dawn French was on Steve Wright on Weds and said "I have a 22 year old (referring to her own daughter) and two 27 yr olds (or something).

The two older children are her husbands from his previous relationship and she married him 6 years ago in 2011 (I think - I went to her show last year).

I just felt a bit for the kids mum who I presume brought them up (French clearly did not) and how I would feel if it were me claiming these grown up children as my own.

I have 3 step kids from my partner (two mums) and I would never say they are "my" children I say "between us we have 6 children".

I think it would royally piss me off if one of my kids mums publicly claimed my kids who I bought up alone as theirs.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 03/03/2017 22:19

My ex's new partner has never referred to my kids as hers that I know of. I suspect most women who have kids of their own wouldn't lay claim to another woman's kids because they can imagine how they'd feel if someone did that to them. It does take something away from that relationship. My mum is now dead but I do feel I only had and only will have one mum.
I have a good relationship with my stepkids but am not their mum. They have a mum who they love dearly. You can be an extra person in someone's life without trying to take over the "mum" title.

PunjanaTea · 03/03/2017 22:20

She was surely referring to the number of children in her family, that isn't always the same number of children you are a mother to.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:22

Would you really rather have your kids feel excluded and less loved by their stepmother to save your feelings countclueless?

I don't see why you have to pretend they are you own children to include them and love them. You can include and love your step children as much as your own children and still maintain healthy boundaries.

Busybeesmum · 03/03/2017 22:25

My DH says all four are his when biologically only the youngest two are. We got together when DS1 was 18 months old and I was pregnant with DS2. He was the one who looked after me when I was puking, in labour and when DS2 was a newborn so we both consider him to be the eldest children's dad.

Sallystyle · 03/03/2017 22:26

It does depend on how long they have known them as well . A new man/woman on the scene referring to them as their kids would be strange. A step-parent who has been around for a long while not so much.

I can't comment on the actual OP because I'm not sure of the context. I strongly disagree that it is always wrong as some posters have claimed.

Owlzes · 03/03/2017 22:28

2rebecca - but different people feel differently. I lost my mum too. I loved her and do love her. DSM will never replace her, but she refers to herself as my mum and that is a positive thing for me. It takes nothing away from my relationship I had with my mother and I find it kind of insulting to say it does.

I totally get it's not appropriate in some families, or that it might cause hurt to some mothers (even if it is a positive thing for the kids) but I don't think this blanket approach of 'this is bad' is helpful at all.

DonkeyofDoom · 03/03/2017 22:35

But that's not how the kids feel. They would be very hurt if I said I had two kids because they feel like they are my kids albeit my stepkids. I'm not pretending they are mine biologically. They also don't call their sister and brother their half siblings. I take their lead. We have worked very hard at making a blended family and facilitating healthy relationships. It would seem unhealthy to me to pander to an adult insecurity as opposed to following the lead of what the kids want and how they see it.

I love them to pieces. When we bought and redid our house theirs was the first to be done so they felt welcome here. My son's room came after theirs. I had a stepmother who certainly never "claimed" me as her own and quite happily had me sleep on sofa and kept her distance. In hindsight I think she behaved the way she did, in part, as to not cause any friction with my mother. It wasn't a very nice experience for me and I would never do anything to make them feel excluded from my home or heart. It had nothing to with claiming or taking away from their mum.

BadToTheBone · 03/03/2017 22:42

I have two children and my stepdd lives with us, I never refer to her as my own as her mother is still around. I love her dearly and she knows it, but she ain't mine.

damnedgrubble · 03/03/2017 22:50

My step mother introduces me as her daughter, it really, really pisses me off. I have a mother, we don't have a relationship but she's still my mother and nobody can take her place without my say so.

If you are a step mother and the children live with you and you've brought them up then fair enough. Otherwise, no. Obviously you don't point out they are not yours in social situations where it would make them feel awkward.

lalalalyra · 03/03/2017 23:08

I say that I have 6 children. DS1 is technically my stepson, but he's been my boy since he was 6. He was the one who decided he didn't want steps in the house.

DH would say he has 6 as well despite the fact my twin girls have a semblance of relationship with their father. They don't call him dad, they call him a nickname they chose years ago before we were married. He's not their Dad, but they are his daughters - he does all the dad things that need done with them.

I think crucially DS and DDs are happy with how we call each other and regard each other and to me that's the key. The fact my girls would be gutted if DH differentiated then means way, way more than my ex getting pissed off. If he was a proper dad to them then they wouldn't have the relationship they have with Dh because he'd be the main male in their life.

Ohyesiam · 03/03/2017 23:09

Who is dawn French married to? ( massively misses the point...)

Whileweareonthesubject · 03/03/2017 23:14

My step -dad always referred to us as his daughters and always treated us as such. He was the man who worked his socks off to put food in our bellies when my father forgot to pay maintenance for us. He was the man who made sure we had clothes on our backs, shoes on our feet. He was the man who attended school events and who made sure we got to and from our activities safely. He was the man who made sure we had days out and the occasional holiday. He was the man who put up with our teenage tantrums and who cried with pride when I married and when said and I had our own children. Why would I not call this man 'dad'? He earned that every day he was in our lives and I'm only sorry he's no longer with us to see the fine young men his grandchildren have become.
My father's wife on the other hand...

Whileweareonthesubject · 03/03/2017 23:15

*dsis, not said.

damnedgrubble · 03/03/2017 23:15

I think she was married to Lenny Henry, aren't they separated though?

damnedgrubble · 03/03/2017 23:16

then Mark Bignell, he's got a 24 and 21/22 year old.

buttfacedmiscreant · 04/03/2017 00:06

I think she would be damned if she did, damned if she didn't.

If the kids were adults when she and their dad married then perhaps she asked them.

WyfOfBathe · 04/03/2017 00:21

I think the context makes a difference. When she's talking about grandchildren, it doesn't matter whether they're her children or stepchildren, because the grandchildren will probably all have the same relationship to her.

I often refer to my stepdaughter as DD1 on here, but only on threads where it doesn't really make a difference. If I met someone in passing and they asked how many DC I have, I would say 2. But in contexts where it matters, I will clarify that she's my stepdaughter. She's 5, I've known her since she was 1, and I love her the same as I love my biological daughter. Her mum's no longer in the picture (through mum's choice), so it doesn't matter to me what her mum thinks - it matters that (S)DD feels loved and at home.

purpleme12 · 04/03/2017 00:37

I think it can only be a good thing if a step parent refers to you as their child. I remember once my step dad introduced me once to someone as his daughter and it felt good. I felt valued. And that's what it's about to me. About part of a family I guess.

JoffreyBaratheon · 04/03/2017 01:46

If my stepmother called me her's I think I would die of shame.

JoffreyBaratheon · 04/03/2017 01:47

Plus, I hope my real mother would come back and haunt her,

ShoutOutToMyEx · 04/03/2017 02:06

It's a tricky one. DP's dad refers to DP's half sister as his daughter, despite her always having regular contact with her father, and everyone thinks that's lovely and terribly good of him.

But DP's dad's new wife referred to DP as her son once, and MIL and SIL went fucking batshit.

It really depends on family dynamics I think, and really what the (adult) children want.

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