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Original poster

When is it ok to refer to step child as your own

96 replies

Crowdblundering · 03/03/2017 18:12

Dawn French was on Steve Wright on Weds and said "I have a 22 year old (referring to her own daughter) and two 27 yr olds (or something).

The two older children are her husbands from his previous relationship and she married him 6 years ago in 2011 (I think - I went to her show last year).

I just felt a bit Hmm for the kids mum who I presume brought them up (French clearly did not) and how I would feel if it were me claiming these grown up children as my own.

I have 3 step kids from my partner (two mums) and I would never say they are "my" children I say "between us we have 6 children".

I think it would royally piss me off if one of my kids mums publicly claimed my kids who I bought up alone as theirs.

OP posts:
londonrach · 03/03/2017 19:38

My friend refers to her step mum as her mum as frankly thats the mum that was there for her during teenage years and supported her unlike her real mum. Difficult one depends on relationship! Neither yabu or yanbu. (Removes splinters from sitting on the fence)

Lelloteddy · 03/03/2017 19:39

It's a totally different dynamic when discussing adult step kids though.

heebiejeebie · 03/03/2017 19:41

Like so often in complex families, I think it's about what the children want, not what the biological parent want. So in a similar situation - can't speculate about this one - it's about knowing if those step children feel part of the family. Knowing that their children would come into the world with 2 grandparents (grandfather and 2nd wife) on that side and all the other grandparents too.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/03/2017 19:43

My DSD sends both me and her DM a card on Mother's Day. I earned that card! Smile

Enko · 03/03/2017 19:43

Hmm My stepdad came into our lives when I was 6 Dsis 12 and Dbro 3..

I am mid 40s now and frankly I would be deeply offended if someone asked him how many children he had if he said none.. He most certainly has 3 and 5 grandchildren.. (who all adore their grandad)

In the content DF got it I can kind of see why she said what she did. She will be in the childrens lives and will be a grandma for them. Just like my stepdad has been for his grandchildren. I think it is a lot harder to do when the children are small then the whole taking over the credit really is more of a issue.

RyanStartedTheFire · 03/03/2017 19:44

My partner and I say we have two when one is my DD from a previous relationship but he's been there since she was 6 months old, and he has raised her with me.

Natsku · 03/03/2017 19:47

Its a complex thing but I would go on what the children think - if they think of you as their parent, whether bio or not, then you are their parent.

My OH refers to DD as his and DD refers to him as one of her dad's (she says she has two dads to other kids)

NewPuppyMum · 03/03/2017 19:55

If the child wants to be claimed then no one else has the right to say they shouldn't be imo.

greenworm · 03/03/2017 20:00

I think there is such an infinity of variations in step family situations it's impossible to know from the information given whether the stepchildren/mother/father in question would have been upset or pleased or not even noticed/thought about what she said. From this thread alone you can see everyone is referring to their own step situations, which are all massively different.

I have downloaded the podcast to listen to this weekend.

RyanStartedTheFire · 03/03/2017 20:01

I think it makes a difference on the living arrangements too. My DD's future step mum will only spent 4 nights a month with her, so she won't really be raising her like my DP has but then I still wouldn't want DD being singled out as "not hers." I wish for as much love and belonging as possible for her.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 03/03/2017 20:02

My mum and my step dad met when I was 22, married when I was 30. Since I was 27/28 he has said he has 4 children... 2 biological and 2 step. It just feels natural. My Dad died when I was 20 (mum and dad were divorced) but my step brothers' mum is still alive and very much in their lives. All of us are happy with the set up and enjoy our extended family. You do not have to be a child to have new parents.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/03/2017 20:04

If their actual mother/father is absent or deceased and you are raising them.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 03/03/2017 20:06

I guess I just feel pleased he loves her and she is kind to him, obvs however it happened she has been in his life since he was born and she is still there 15 yes later.

The Mother's Day card does sting though - she is not his mum and step mother is when there is a position to be filled and there never was. She also knew us both as a couple and we met her when I was pg.

It's water under the bridge and I would never have made my sons dad as happy as she does and I am happy too.

OP posts:
user1486334704 · 03/03/2017 20:10

I would never refer to my two stepchildren as my own or even infer it. In answer to the 'do you have children' question historically I've said 'no, but my husband has two from his first marriage'.

Now I'm pregnant I simply say 'no, one on the way'.

They have a mother, I have no interest or desire to acknowledge my role as anything other than their father's wife.

2rebecca · 03/03/2017 20:14

I've been with my husband 15 years and his kids are still his not mine and vv. Both "other" parents are still involved in parenting though which maybe makes a difference. I'll happily refer to them as my stepkids but referring to them as my "kids" seems wrong and inaccurate. I'm more like an auntie (even though I financially support them far more than an auntie).

Owlzes · 03/03/2017 20:14

Crowdblundering - I don't know if this helps at all, but from my experience, I don't think it's ever a bad thing to have extra people in a kid's life who love them, and who have that kind of relationship.

My DSM didn't get to be a mother figure to me because there 'was a gap to be filled' when my mum died. I will never not love my mum. I'll always have a hole in the shape of her in my life. My DSM got to be a mother figure to me by being there and being her. It isn't a competition. Kids can love multiple parents and parent figures and just be better for having extra awesome people around.

2rebecca · 03/03/2017 20:17

My stepkids have never made me a mothers' day card (and mine often forget) but my kids don't get my husband a fathers' day card (and his kids sometimes forget although are getting better now older and not living with their mum).

AlmostAJillSandwich · 03/03/2017 20:18

It depends entirely what role their biological parent plays in their life.
If a person has been around since the child was very young (say 5 or younger) and the biological parent is not in the picture at all or has to be forced to be even remotely a parent and the step parent is effectively raising the child, then i think it is ok to refer to the child as theirs.
If the biological parent is not around because the resident parent doesn't let them be around then it is not ok in any circumstance to call the child theirs.
For children over 5 but under 16 or where the biological parent was around for the younger years helping raise the child then i don't think it is ok to refer to the child as yours, unless biological parent has stopped playing an active role and it is the child who instigates that the step parent is their parent.
If the child is teenage or older by the time the step parent comes around i dont think it is appropriate to ever refer to them as theirs, as the hardest/main years of raising the child have passed and they child will become more and more independent.

ovenchips · 03/03/2017 20:19

I heard that Dawn French interview and was surprised too. I've not heard of someone referring to their adult stepchildren - who they have only ever known as adults - as their own children.

I know nothing of the stepchildren's mother but I can't imagine Dawn French would have referred to them as such on the radio though unless it were okay to do so.

I admit I was initially puzzled (as I knew she'd only had a daughter) then surprised by it though.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 03/03/2017 20:19

No no I have never felt like it's a competition.

My other two children have a complete bitch step mum who has completely pushed them out of their dads life.

Two of my step kids mum refers to me as "their other mother" which is really sweet - even though it's not always been easy for either of us.

OP posts:
GenerationYmember · 03/03/2017 20:21

DSD lives with us full time and has done since she was 18 months old, she has limited contact with her mum so I do feel that DSD is one of my own.

We also have one DS and I say we have two kids.

TiredMumToTwo · 03/03/2017 20:23

I think this is what being a step mum is all about - you're damned if you do & damned if you don't. I tell people I have three kids because my husband would be v upset if he thought I treated his daughter any differently to my two kids. We consider my dsd in every decision we make about the kids, she is only with us 24hours every week but we both work hard to include her on everything. I say she's one of my kids so she doesn't feel left out but I'm sure if her Mum heard me say that she'd go batshit. I met dsd before her second birthday & she's coming up to her 8th - I'm sure it's v different with adult step kids.

Bahh · 03/03/2017 20:26

Been a step mum for 3.5 years, she's 6. Can't ever see myself referring to her as mine. Because she's not, is she? She's OH and XW's.

MrsPinkCock · 03/03/2017 20:27

I have four children, because I brought two of them up since they were in nappies, one since he was 3 and do a hell of a better job than their birth mum who hasn't given two craps since they were born. DD is mine so definitely mine Grin

She plays Disney mum now. I'll always be step mum, but they'll always be my boys.

clearsommespace · 03/03/2017 20:28

I would hate it if DF's second wife called me her daughter. She came into my life when I was 16 and was no support whatsoever. In fact I think she made being a teenager worse! Actually I am uncomfortable with the notion of being her step-daughter. I call her DF's wife if I have to refer to her to someone who doesn't know her name.
My DC refer to her as grandmother. But she has been pleasant and reasonable with them so although I don't like it, I don't say anything.