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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When is it ok to refer to step child as your own

96 replies

Crowdblundering · 03/03/2017 18:12

Dawn French was on Steve Wright on Weds and said "I have a 22 year old (referring to her own daughter) and two 27 yr olds (or something).

The two older children are her husbands from his previous relationship and she married him 6 years ago in 2011 (I think - I went to her show last year).

I just felt a bit for the kids mum who I presume brought them up (French clearly did not) and how I would feel if it were me claiming these grown up children as my own.

I have 3 step kids from my partner (two mums) and I would never say they are "my" children I say "between us we have 6 children".

I think it would royally piss me off if one of my kids mums publicly claimed my kids who I bought up alone as theirs.

OP posts:

clearsommespace · 03/03/2017 20:32

So I agree with the previous poster who says it's about what the children are comfortable with.

SquidgeyMidgey · 03/03/2017 20:33

If you've adopted them? Possibly not otherwise, massive massive toestepping-on there.

CurlsandCurves · 03/03/2017 20:35

My friends eldest DCs dad has been entirely absent since the child was about 18mths old. She met her now DH about a year later. Her DC alternates between calling him dad and his first name, depends on how they feel. Which everyone is fine with.
But what they are united on is that he is the child's dad, absolutely not a stepdad. He loves, provides, plays with, disciplines, advises, etc. He is the child's dad in every sense.

ginswinger · 03/03/2017 20:36

My stepdad arrived when I was 20 and he's brilliant. We have a great relationship to the extent we take him on holiday with my family, leaving my mum to have a bit of time on her own. He's been like a 'spare' dad since my father died and he definitely thinks of my daughter as his grandchild. I think we're pretty lucky to have him.

MsJamieFraser · 03/03/2017 20:41

Personally I wouldn't be happy wth this as an biological parent, however I would have a issue with it if they had adopted the child.

5moreminutes · 03/03/2017 20:41

It's an odd one, and I'd also have assumed really only where the step parent has adopted the child (as sometimes is done) which obviously isn't even possible if they don't meet til the "child" is over 18! Or at least where the relationship has been on that level long term even if no formal adoption.

At any rate it seems odd to refer to adult children of your spouse as your own if you met them as adults.

There could conceivably be a backstory of some kind in which she knows they want her to refer to them as her children, knows "the world" will find it odd but cares more about the adult children of her husband than the opinion of strangers - in which case good for her. Equally she could be being thoughtless or proprietorial - in which case wtf...

Intriguing to know whether it was a slip up or deliberate, and what the story is certainly...

MsJamieFraser · 03/03/2017 20:45

Wouldn't

2rebecca · 03/03/2017 20:47

If he's your stepdad ginswinger then surely he is your children's grandfather if he has been married to their grandmother since birth or near birth? I would happily refer to any future children my stepkids have as "my" grandchildren as I will be taking on that role from their birth and children have more than one granny anyway. find it odd and nasty when some adults don't like their parent's new spouse being called a grandparent.

Sallystyle · 03/03/2017 21:04

My husband has referred to the three children from my previous marriage as 'his' for years. If people asked him how many children he had he would say the number and not mention they were his step children.

He lives with them and helped raise them since they were tiny. We had a great relationship with my ex and his wife and this kind of thing didn't bother any of us. It would not have bothered me if their step mum referred to them as 'her kids'. They were always just 'ours'

It worked for us and we were all happy with it. Most importantly the children were too. DH has done all the parenting stuff with me since they were young so I think he has earned the right to refer to them as his.

I speak in past tense as my ex died.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 03/03/2017 21:08

The only time imo is during a casual meeting.

For example, if I was out with my three boys and my step son, and someone commented on my four boys, I would respond but not correct them. If it was a proper conversation, not idle chit chat I'd probably correct them.

I've known him since he was three but I'm not his mum and never will be.

TheNaze73 · 03/03/2017 21:12

I don't think it's ever acceptable

ditzychick34 · 03/03/2017 21:17

I have noticed kids being a bit when their stepparent corrects someone, no he's not my son, just stepson, seems a bit mean

TheOnlyLivingBoiInNewCork · 03/03/2017 21:32

Almost never, in my opinion. Saying they are your step children isn't a negative, its just a fact. Unless they came out of you or you adopted them, they aren't your children. Doesn't mean you don't love them.

Sallystyle · 03/03/2017 21:33

How can it never be acceptable? There are so many different set ups. If all parties concerned are happy with it how can it be wrong? Saying it's never acceptable dosen't take into consideration the many different circumstances.

My husband may not be their bio father but he does everything a decent father does and as he has lived with them for 11 years I can't see it as wrong that he refers to them as his children. Thankfully no one else concerned could either. I would be quite upset if he ever introduced them as his stepchildren after 11 years.

We are all different but it's only wrong if the people directly involved have a problem with it.

2rebecca · 03/03/2017 21:42

When my stepkids were young if someone commented on my "children" I wouldn't correct them if a stranger. My stepdaughter did once ask me about this and I just said we both knew I wasn't her mum and I couldn't be bothered explaining our family set up to casual strangers and she seemed happy with this.

DeadGood · 03/03/2017 21:52

It depends who you want to offend, OP.

Clearly you have your own agenda as you have a child with an ex-partner who has now remarried.

I, on the other hand, have a stepmother myself, and I would be extremely hurt if she did not refer to me as her own. I have my own mother, as we all do, but the mother/stepmother relationship is not mutually exclusive!

You are allowing your own feelings to cloud your judgement. Consider it from your child's perspective rather than your own

2rebecca · 03/03/2017 21:56

If my father remarried I would think it bizarre if his new wife referred to me as her "daughter". I do think adult stepchildren are very different.

DonkeyofDoom · 03/03/2017 22:01

My stepkids are my kids. They aren't my biological kids but they are my kids. If I am being introduced to someone I will always say I have four. If it's someone I get to know better then it of course comes up that 2 are my stepkids. I think my stepkids would be really offended if I said I only have two kids. Their mum would probably be very offended that I say I have four but my relationship is with them not her. I'm far more wary of alienating my stepkids and driving a wedge between the four than having a grown woman have a tantrum. I am not their mum and I never have tried to replace her. They have chosen to call me "smum". When they were very small they did try to call me mum but I steered them away from it because that did feel wrong. Each family will be different and ultimately it's about the kids.

Sallystyle · 03/03/2017 22:05

I don't view my children as not his children just because he didn't make them.

He has helped raise them for such a long time. He has watched them turn into teens and young adults and have been through it all with them. Gone to school meetings with me when my ex was too ill to make it. He has been active inot getting them the right help at school for their special needs and sat with them for hours crying while they were deep in grief. He was a carer for one of them while I worked. He has earned the right to refer to them as his.

It would be pretty shitty of me to have him as an active parent for all these years but tell him he can't refer to them as his children because he didn't help conceive them.

They were our children. And our set up worked a lot better than many often end up. I was great friends with my exes wife and that was so valuable at the end of his life.

Mind you I used to spend Xmas with my parents, my half siblings and their mum and step dad.

So no. It isn't always wrong. With adult step children it's a bit different but if everyone is happy what matters?

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:05

Their mum would probably be very offended that I say I have four but my relationship is with them not her

I think this is the problem for a lot of people. You're claiming another womans children as your own and you don't care whether she likes it or not.
The thought of another woman claiming my children like that actually makes me feel sick.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 03/03/2017 22:09

If I'm asked how many kids I have, it depends on who I'm talking to but will usually just say we have three boys - my stepsons are grown now and DS is a teen, but my DSSs lived with us 100%, with only occasional visits to their mum. They were teens when I met DH but welcomed me as part of their family immediately. If I'm talking to someone and it's not just casual small talk, I'm more specific that the two older boys are my stepsons and we have one son together. Their mum is now in their life a lot more and we get on well together, she isn't offended if I consider them my boys too.

Sallystyle · 03/03/2017 22:13

Makes you sick? Claiming them? I don't get it. It doesn't take anything away from your relationship because someone calls their step children their children when referring to them.

LBOCS2 · 03/03/2017 22:15

I think this is what being a step mum is all about - you're damned if you do & damned if you don't. I tell people I have three kids because my husband would be v upset if he thought I treated his daughter any differently to my two kids. We consider my dsd in every decision we make about the kids, she is only with us 24hours every week but we both work hard to include her on everything.

Well said. This is how I feel about our situation - we have three children to account for; there are five people in my family. Doesn't matter that I didn't give birth to one of them. He has a mum - I'm not interested in taking that role - but he still has as big a part in my family as the other two children.

CountClueless · 03/03/2017 22:15

I don't see what's hard to get. Another woman calling my children hers...they aren't hers. They are mine. If she tells other people they are her children its a lie.
I doubt I'm the only one to feel like that.

DonkeyofDoom · 03/03/2017 22:16

I don't see myself as claiming them at all because it makes them sound like objects. I include them in my family because they are in my family. Would you really rather have your kids feel excluded and less loved by their stepmother to save your feelings countclueless?

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