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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think SiL takes Facebook 'likes' too much to heart?

92 replies

FirstOfHerName · 03/03/2017 11:20

SiL is very glamorous – think Footballer’s Wives levels of maintenance. She also loves the high life and expensive brand name stuff and she and DB1 are always flying business class or out at fancy restaurants or hotels. They constantly post photos of themselves partaking in these activities on Facebook, and SiL posts dozens of glam selfies per week. All fine in itself if that’s what you want to do.

However, if I or any member of my family don’t happen to click Like or make a comment on her photo saying how fabulous she looks, DB1 rings us and tells us off! My DM has got several bollockings from him for not doing this – apparently SiL was in tears last time, as none of us had Liked her last selfie. He even told my DM exactly what to say when making a comment on this! It’s actually really upsetting my DM but whenever I or DB2 try to talk to DB1 about it he gets shitty with us.

AIBU to think this is all a bit batshit?

(And no, I'm not going to delete my Facebook account just because of this!)

OP posts:

NotAMammy · 03/03/2017 12:32

missing the point, but I now want to know what madmags job is...

peaceloveandbiscuits · 03/03/2017 12:35

I have a range of personality disorders and when they were untreated I had some very irrational thought processes which alienated more or less all of my friends and family. I was so obsessed with the idea that I was hated and disliked that I couldn't help myself from asking them constantly whether they liked me. If I perceived even the slightest difference in their mood or conversation I would immediately jump to the conclusion that I had done something wrong and would have to ask them what I'd done to upset them. I knew it was irrational but the compulsion to ask was all-encompassing. She probably hates herself for feeling the need to ask you why you didn't like her photo, but she also has to know what it is that caused you "offence". Maybe she sees you liking other things and panics that you don't like her as much as these other people.
She could be really really struggling with life. I know that doesn't excuse it, but if this is the case for her, if she decides to face it and begin steps to recovery, things could be very different for all of you.
Some PDs cause sufferers to react to things like teenagers, very dramatically, hence the comments, "what age is she? 12?". It's an inability to regulate emotions, much like toddlers and teenagers. It's draining for everyone.

Apologies if I'm way off the mark, but I did want to offer my experience as a possible reason for her batshittery.

BarbaraofSeville · 03/03/2017 12:37

I'm of a generation that grew up with social media and I find that my peers and I just don't get worked up about likes etc, while those who were introduced to it as adults do attach a lot more meaning to those things

That's an interesting viewpoint because I'm one of those who was introduced to social media as an adult (I'm 43) and to me the whole concept of posting selfies for likes is a bit bizarre and I think it's a really odd thing to do. I have never taken or posted a selfie (well I did try once and there was a mountain sticking out of my head so I deleted it and forgot the whole enterprise)

I am friends with a number of younger (late teens to late 20s) relatives but don't follow any of them because of their 50 selfies a day habit.

Investment banking is one of those weird industries where personal appearance seems to matter as much, if not more, than performance, which I find really odd.

I wonder if the OPs SIL is FB friends with any of her colleagues? To me I would have thought they would be embarrased for her about here online behaviour and reaction when she doesn't get the likes she craves.

Megatherium · 03/03/2017 12:39

Another one here who seriously doubts that it's adults who grew up without social media who get worked up about FB likes. I'm one of them, and I really couldn't care less - maybe because I realise that they make fuck all difference to how you live your life.

tigerrun · 03/03/2017 12:39

Wow. Proper batshit lack of perspective, she really needs to get a grip! Love the thumbs up comment, please use it !

WateryTart · 03/03/2017 12:40

In such circumstances I reflect what they have said back at them and then ask if they realise how ridiculous they sound.

AlmaMartyr · 03/03/2017 12:41

That is crazy, I wouldn't know what to say if a relative actually rang me up about something like that.

I have known people get a bit obsessed with 'likes' though. Some people seem to view it as a definition of friendship and assume that someone isn't speaking to them if they didn't 'like' their latest picture or status. And some people do seem to use it in that way so if someone has upset them then they won't like their post. I like Facebook but that attitude completely baffles me but it seems fairly common (based on acquaintances in my area!). If your SIL is like that, or around people like that, then maybe she thinks that family not liking her pics are demonstrating that they dislike her? I know that's grasping at straws.

TheNaze73 · 03/03/2017 12:43

YANBU, she sounds like a bell end

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 03/03/2017 12:43

I can't actually believe your mum didn't just tell your brother to catch a grip of himself. I can't believe people in your family are just accepting this as normal and not telling them they are being seriously weird.

I can understand if she posted rarely and DB asked if you'd like it because she'd been feeling down or whatever, but this takes the piss.

MamaHanji · 03/03/2017 12:43

Every time I see her I would poke her in the centre of the forehead and shout 'like' in her face.

Obviously I wouldn't. It's actually very concerning that it means that much to her. The dopamine that is released when you receive a text or get notifications on social media, is the same 'reward' chemical you get when you win when you gamble. It's an addiction and the healthiest thing for her to do, is go cold turkey from social media. And get some self esteem.

But my fuck that would be irritating. It's very worrying that your brother is allowing her to be so immature and encouraging the behaviour by calling you and your DM up batshit.

Instead of letting him get shitty with you for calling him out, either call and not let him get a chance to get shitty or send him a very clear text message explaining that him calling your family up to have a go because of such a stupid thing, is not acceptable and is upsetting your mother.

BarbaraofSeville · 03/03/2017 12:46

I've actually set my Facebook so some of my FB friends don't see my posts because they seemed to like everything I posted and it felt a bit stalkerish. I should probably unfriend them to be honest.

cheeeeselover · 03/03/2017 12:47

Shes very self obsessed! Are you sure she is a grown woman?

BeachyKeen · 03/03/2017 12:47

What do you actually say to your brother when he confronts you/ your mum?

KellyElly · 03/03/2017 12:48

Every time I see her I would poke her in the centre of the forehead and shout 'like' in her face. Hahahaha, that's the funniest thing I've read on here for a while

VestalVirgin · 03/03/2017 12:49

Apologies if I'm way off the mark, but I did want to offer my experience as a possible reason for her batshittery.

This seems rather likely.

I know the phenomenon; if I don't get "likes" for something that is important to me, and am feeling emotionally unstable and lonely that day, I do get a bit upset. Just, I tell myself to not be silly, and the feeling usually passes.

A person who is in tears due to this kind of thing should see a psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 03/03/2017 12:54

I'd say "sorry, I unsubscribed to her so I don't actually see them"
See how well that goes down....

anothermalteserplease · 03/03/2017 13:00

How do you get on with your SIL? If you like her I'd actually spend time with her and talk to her. Tease her gently and tell her you think she's great (if you do, just ignore if you don't get on generally) I'm just thinking of my relationship with my SILs and we'd say this to each other. There may be something going which is leading to the hysterics over something so minor.

hazelnutlatte · 03/03/2017 13:01

Oh dear, I also have a SIL who posts constant glamorous selfies on Facebook, usually accompanied by every thought that has entered her head. Thankfully she has about 1000 Facebook friends so I doubt she has even noticed that I have never liked or commented.
I am quite jealous of how good she looks in a bikini though!

ShoutOutToMyEx · 03/03/2017 13:03

Barbara I actually agree about the selfie thing, that's a good point - the younger teens I know especially post hundreds of pictures of themselves.

I was thinking more of some of the women in their forties and fifties who I work with, who take a 'like' on FB as a real endorsement, and definitely would be offended if someone they considered close to them didn't like one of their posts.

Whereas most of my friends and I don't care at all - we've spent most of our lives scrolling and liking/ignoring random shit that doesn't have any bearing on real life!

Similarly, they see being 'friends' with someone on FB as an act of genuine friendship, whereas I've been collecting people since I was about 14. There are people I have on social media that I wouldn't know to say hello to on the street. Actually, typing that out makes me think I should have a clear out!

It's just something I've noticed at work and with my friends' parents. Completely anecdotal. I always think of that old saying - that familiarity breeds contempt.

NightTerrier · 03/03/2017 13:05

You're actually doing her a favour by not liking her posts if she's needing that level of reassurance. It's just not healthy and a grown woman shouldn't be in tears over this kind of thing. If you play along you just encourage it and it will make her need even more reassurance. Your DB shouldn't be engaging with this either, it isn't the norm for people in their 30s. You should be able to soothe and reassure yourself by this age. Your SIL doesn't actually need your validation and this whole situation sounds very wearing for the rest of the family. Your poor DM!

I'd just bluntly explain this to my DB whilst coming from a place of compassion if I were you, but I also wouldn't exepect to win any popularity constests with this approach either.

wineusuallyhelps · 03/03/2017 13:11

Such insecurity! It's completely mental of your brother to phone round chasing up likes, though...too much pressure for you all.

Can't think of a way to resolve this other than stating you don't check Facebook all the time and half the time you miss things...

You know where you can choose your reaction when you hover over the 'like' button? The mischief-maker in me would want to choose 'Angry' or 'Haha' when she's publicising her bikini bod. She'd be awake for days agonising over what you meant 😂

RedSauce · 03/03/2017 13:12

Send them both a link to watch Black Mirror season 3 episode 1 "Nosedive" - she'll probably enjoy it.

peaceloveandbiscuits · 03/03/2017 13:15

Sadly if she is emotionally unstable then teasing and goading her could send her into crisis, however funny it seems.

I feel really sorry for her, and your brother who is probably having to walk on eggshells around her to avoid upsetting her with perceived insults.

I also feel dreadful for you and your poor mum who shouldn't have to deal with this emotional blackmail.

Do you know her family? Can they shed any light on her behaviour or would they be better placed to gently intervene?

Jazzywazzydodah · 03/03/2017 13:22

You need to tell them both to fuck off - pair of weirdos.

Yokohamajojo · 03/03/2017 13:37

Just say you didn't see it! I have far too many groups and pages I like and I genuinely miss a lot of friends updates because I can't be bothered to tidy up my FB or set it to recent news first.

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