AIBU to want to give my last frosty a chance

[Whatalready]

I am lucky to have a 9 month old baby from a DE cycle. He is so beautiful. Every time I look at him I fall more and more in love with everything about him. I have two children in their twenties too. DH was willing to let me become a mum again and he loves our LO. The trouble is that I have one more frozen embryo. A perfect baby boy and I want him. I know this wasn't 'the deal' as my DH puts it. But I can't destroy him. I don't want anyone else to have him. I want to give him a chance to live. I imagine him as part of our family. I would love my LO to have a little brother to grow up with. We could afford to bring up an extra child. Our house is big enough. The DE transfer cost is low. I do all the baby care, all the night feeds, took no maternity leave from our family business despite CS. But DH will not even discuss it, wants his life back (!?), blames the baby for not having time for his hobbies (yet I've not stopped him doing anything). I don't go on about this but it is on my mind a lot. It breaks my heart to think that I can't. My sister says I should just go but that's a terrible way to do it. What would you do? Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Maybe it's the cost of a 4th child and all that goes with it

Same with his age (tho younger then df) perhaps he doeent went to go through bottles nappies and sleepless nights for a few more years

He probably cant understand why, given that you have a perfect baby, you arent happy with what you have rather than wanting more.

He is going to be thinking that things are great as they so why change it.

Neither is right, neither is wrong, but as you say there really isnt any compromise here. Ultimately if he says no and sticks to it then you really are going to have to accept that.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Everyone is unreasonable to some extent when it comes to babies and especially in the year or two after they have just had, and especially women, and especially women of a certain pressing age. So yes it's unlikely that you are data from Star Trek or a Vulcan. But being unreasonable is a huge part of being human. It's not just about what you can afford or whether you have an extra bed. And here's te rub. You have just been through what must have been an emotional time and you came out with a baby!! Yay!! But maybe that's not how your husband feels. As you say you haven't made him do any giving up of hobbies but maybe for him he feels if there's a baby he needs to focus on that. And maybe you are less there for adult endeavours than before. Maybe he wants to spend time with you and his kids and not have another screaming baby around. Maybe he wants to devote his time to the one kid you already have. Maybe he found the period of trying to have that baby very painful and doesn't want to go through it again. I think your mistake here is in trying to be reasonable. There's very little of reason involved in making babies. It's hormones and emotions that drive us to pair up and make babies and I don't think you can "win" such an arguement with reason.

Why not spend some time staring into your husbands eyes and falling in love with him. Give yourself time to recover and raise the baby you have instead of wanting more. Give yourself time to get over the baby brain. And give your husband time to adjust and to be heard and maybe to get some of his needs met. There's two of you in a marriage and ya have to listen to each other and find understanding whoever your with will have difficulties, you could be with a man who didn't care how many babies you had, that sounds worse to me.

And just enjoy your baby and your husband. If you can't enjoy one in peace what makes you think another one will be better? Hormones that's what. And probably if things are going well and both your needs are getting met and your cup is overflowing your husband will perhaps change his mind. But if you just keep trying to get your own way not listening to him or his needs that sucks as a way to live. With any amount of babies.

And maybe when your all a bit more recovered and less dreamy eyed and full of hormones you will be able to think more rationally and with more understanding. The embryo isn't going anywhere, so like him, chill out. Focus on what you do have and if after a few years your husband isn't working out towards the mutual fulfillment of both your needs and desires, ditch him and go it alone In peace to breed as much a a you so desire.

But while your in a marriage you are supposed to make choices together based on understanding. And it might be that you are totally off your rocker in terms of practicalities and it also may be that the embryo doesn't take. What then? Your husband maybe feels he was lucky this time and doesn't want you to go through that pain and loss with a young baby to take care of.
The most reasonable thing you can do is give yourself a few years.

Thank you Muthafuzza. That's good advice. I have been unreasonable and hadn't probably realised how much all this is influenced by hormones. Still breastfeeding too. You could make a living as a counsellor, you know! I will give the staring into his eyes a go. Right now I just want to thump him so I'll have to rehearse a bit. If I think back to the early days of my other DC, he was difficult to live with, said I was a 'wonderful mother and an okay wife'. I do remember that. My sister thinks our relationship is better when I don't have to rely on him, when I'm more independent. Anyway I will work on some loving. The only thing is, I don't have the luxury of years. I am 46 now. Fit and healthy but still.. That will probably trigger some negative comments. Oh dear! Thank you ladies.

Being besotted with your children and constantly wanting more are two completely different things.

People don't decide their families are complete when they finally get a child they don't like...

People don't decide their families are complete when they finally get a child they don't like...

Some do though. You often see threads where people have genuinely been put off having another child because of how they feel about their current one.

A couple I know had always said they had planned on 2-3 children but based on their first child, who is now almost 5, they've said they won't have anymore because she's "such a madam" it's made them not want another child. They said from when she was the age of 3 her behaviour made them realise they didn't want anymore because they couldn't risk getting another one like her (their words).

I do think some people's decisions on whether to expand the family are based on their experiences with the first child.

Possibly... It just jars to hear you can only be properly besotted with your existing children if you think they're so fabulous that you owe it to the world to produce even more.

Completely agree with that sentiment too - I'm completely besotted with DS and I hope to be besotted with DC2 when it arrives in August but then I'm absolutely DONE with procreation

"How do you know it's a boy"... because as part of the embryo screening process, to make sure thee are no genetic defects, they can tell you what DNA it has

Was under the impression that was pretty common knowledge.

In this country it's actually illegal to find out the sex of your embryos unless you are screening for a sex-linked disorder. So the OP must either be in another country, or having treatment in another country.

Assume OP has been in Cyprus where PGD for sex selection for own or donor eggs is common