Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to want to give my last frosty a chance

86 replies

Whatalready · 03/03/2017 08:46

I am lucky to have a 9 month old baby from a DE cycle. He is so beautiful. Every time I look at him I fall more and more in love with everything about him. I have two children in their twenties too. DH was willing to let me become a mum again and he loves our LO. The trouble is that I have one more frozen embryo. A perfect baby boy and I want him. I know this wasn't 'the deal' as my DH puts it. But I can't destroy him. I don't want anyone else to have him. I want to give him a chance to live. I imagine him as part of our family. I would love my LO to have a little brother to grow up with. We could afford to bring up an extra child. Our house is big enough. The DE transfer cost is low. I do all the baby care, all the night feeds, took no maternity leave from our family business despite CS. But DH will not even discuss it, wants his life back (!?), blames the baby for not having time for his hobbies (yet I've not stopped him doing anything). I don't go on about this but it is on my mind a lot. It breaks my heart to think that I can't. My sister says I should just go but that's a terrible way to do it. What would you do? Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:

pictish · 03/03/2017 09:56

Meant to add...I do sympathise. I went through a period of quite intense broodiness and baby-longing a while back so I understand. x

Writerwannabe83 · 03/03/2017 09:59

It's a difficult time when a child is 9 months because they are so draining of your energy and your time - inclusive of your social time. I doubt many parents are thinking about having a second baby whilst still in a difficult period with the first.

When my DS was 12 months old I started getting a bit broody and mentioned to my DH about having a second and he was adamant it wasn't going to happen. I told him it was really important to me that DS have a sibling but he wouldn't budge. I stopped the subject but bought it up again every 3ish months after a year of initially mentioning it my DH agreed to TTC #2.

I guess what I'm saying is don't push it, don't nag, let a few months pass and then mention it again - you may find he changes his mind when life hits a point of being more normal again. It's a difficult situation and I used to get upset when DH kept saying no but I knew his feelings were just as valid as mine and I couldn't force him into having another child.

FWIW - if I had a Frosty (love that term) I would feel the same way as you do in terms of it being a potential baby and wanting to give it a chance at life. Maybe it's not a rational thought process but I do understand it

WatchingIZombie · 03/03/2017 10:35

I'd feel exactly the same as you OP and there's no way I could donate it knowing someone could be out there with my baby! I'm not trying to be mean, just that I personally couldn't hand over what could be a child of mine.

I have two little ones close in age (pregnant again when first DC was 9 months) and actually it makes my life easier because they have each other and play together all the time. An old friend is one of five children but was born when the older four were already grown up so she had no siblings her age. She found it very lonely and always wished for another sibling her age, so that would definitely sway me if I were in your shoes. I was lucky in that there is less than a year in age between me and my brother and wanted to make sure there was a small age gap between my DC. My DH is a lot older than his brother and so weren't close growing up either. They just couldn't relate to each other.

I caught imagine what you must be going through. I really hope it all works out for you!

Original poster

Whatalready · 03/03/2017 14:28

Thank you so much for your replies!! I live in an all male household and it's a relief to speak to other ladies. I know that I have less than 30℅ chance of success in an IVF cycle. The embryo may perish in the thaw. May not even implant. I am over 40 and have to pass a list of health checks including heart, mammogram, blood screening etc so I have to be in top nick to even get a chance of a transfer. I wouldn't do it without my husband's consent. Couldn't either.
I saw my embryos in the embroscope. They were screened (PGD) for abnormalities and the process revealed the sex. I saw 'him'. His cells were perfectly compact and symmetrical. The doctor felt he would stand a good chance on his own so was frozen separately. Now he is left 'sleeping' and waiting. That's how I see him. If he is to perish, let it be inside me. God, it makes me cry to write this. I need him to have a chance. If the cycle fails, I tried my best. I would love him to live.
I have not been in this position before, never thought about embryos that were left. So focused on a BFP.
I am sore at my DH. During our marriage I have agreed to emigrate cos he wanted to. Came back cos he didn't like it. Started a business based on his hobby because he wanted to. So many major decisions have gone his way. I can't give in on this without a chance. Right now I detest him. Sorry but I do.

OP posts:

pictish · 03/03/2017 14:45

Given you have sacrificed for him as you have, I can understand why you feel as you do.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2017 15:03

well it certainly doesnt sound like a very healthy dynamic, if he has all the decision making power in the relationship.

Have you put it to him in those terms? That you have sacrificed so much for him and he is refusing to even discuss this with you?

Although I have to say, if he is basically just a very selfish person, having another child with him would not be a good thing.

Are the older children his too?

Original poster

Whatalready · 03/03/2017 15:09

Yes. They are all his.

OP posts:

FrenchLavender · 03/03/2017 15:10

I saw 'him'. His cells were perfectly compact and symmetrical. The doctor felt he would stand a good chance on his own so was frozen separately. Now he is left 'sleeping' and waiting. That's how I see him. If he is to perish, let it be inside me. God, it makes me cry to write this. I need him to have a chance. If the cycle fails, I tried my best. I would love him to live.

I think you need help. You talk like a desperate woman deranged with the pain of not having any children, not like someone who already has three.

Floggingmolly · 03/03/2017 15:14

I'd have to agree, French...

Grenoble124 · 03/03/2017 15:21

Also have 9mo ds through de and two frosties. Will gi back for them but might wait a while.

It's a tough one. Do you think there is any way you could persuade dh to give it a chance?

It may not even work. Is it definitely male? I'd love to know.

welshweasel · 03/03/2017 15:24

What would you do if you had say 6 frosties?

Grenoble124 · 03/03/2017 15:28

Sorry just saw PGD bit. Maybe give it time. We wouldn't be eligible to donate embryos as dh is over 40.

RhiWrites · 03/03/2017 15:31

I don't think you should have committed to IVF without a serious discussion about what to do about remaining embryos.

You talk as though you're being forced to abort a wanted child, but that's not the reality is it? What did you agree going in?

user1480267413 · 03/03/2017 15:31

Misread title. Thought this was about breakfast cereals!!

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/03/2017 15:32

first you need dh consent, when we did our 4th&5th cycles which were fet from fresh cycle 3, we had maybe 8 sheets of paper to sign,both df and on every page, both times even tho we agreed when frozen that we could use them

i am a little concerned, like french, at how you see this embroyo, to be blunt it is a cluster of cells, that may or may not attach to your lining and then bring a viable pregnancy

it is not a little boy ready to be born

im heavily preg 36w ,from 5th ivf try and we have think 3 left in freezer

i am happy with this one baby,may she born safe and healthy and df and i dont want to donate to a couple as will be a full sibling of ours

but happy to donate to medical science so that they can help others who are in my infertility state

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 03/03/2017 15:32

Potentially awful advice, but if I were you, I'd have to do the transfer and give it a shot.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/03/2017 15:34

df was 48 when we started cycle 3 and those left could be donated if we wanted, but we dont

never heard of dad being too old

PurpleDaisies · 03/03/2017 15:43

Potentially awful advice, but if I were you, I'd have to do the transfer and give it a shot.

She can't. Both parents need to consent to the embryo transfer.

Bear2014 · 03/03/2017 15:46

Hi OP, I can kind of imagine how you're feeling. I have a 3 year old DD from IVF and currently pg from a FET. We don't have any frosties left as we exhausted them all in the process, and I'm glad because it takes away the decision of what to do with it/them. We are both in agreement that we only ever wanted 2 children though, so we would have most likely given them to research.

If I were you, as DS is so so young, I would do nothing for now - keep the embryo in storage and discuss it again at a later date. I do quite strongly believe that if one partner does not want a child, you should not have the child. So YABU a bit. Good luck!

JasonDeruloFan · 03/03/2017 15:52

I'm not qualified to speak on this issue but just wanted to say I empathize with your feelings. I've got four children none of them planned I never even wanted to be a mother but now I'm forty and divorced it for some reason has started to upset me that I'll never have another. My fourth pregnancy didn't work out as my baby had anencephaly but nine years later managed to have another however in that nine years I didn't want one so don't know why I'm feeling sad that it's the end of my child bearing now.
I don't know anything about the IVF process and emotions so wouldn't pretend to understand that but I do understand the upset of not being able to have one more when you would like to and that it would be nice for the youngest to have a sibling of a similar age instead of on their own when the others are much older.
Hope it all works out for the best for you and your family whatever happens in the end

highinthesky · 03/03/2017 16:03

Your baby is just 9 months old. Use the next 3 months to talk to your DH and if agreeable consider implantation when DS is a year old, i.e. your uterus has had a chance to recover.

Herschellmum · 03/03/2017 16:40

I do think you have to respect his wishes, while I also think he needs to be considerate of your feelings you did make an arrangement and deal of sorts and if you went back on that it would in my opinion be a betrayal of sorts.

Also wondering how you would feel/cope/move on if Frosty didn't take? I'm worried you have a lot pinned on that.

I think perhaps you need to sit down and have full blown conversation about it, discuss what is worries are exactly and try and reassure his fears, but also consider how you would feel if Frosty didn't make it, or even if he did but there were complications.

I will say this though, I have 4 and I feel done, I think hubby would have more but respects my wishes that I've been stuck home for almost a decade (7.5 years) and I need to be me again, but I would equally Hear him if he was willing to make sacrifices to make number 5 happen, but I don't think he's that bothered. If it were me though, I think that feeling of needing another wouldn't go away easily.

Massive hugs either way x

HappyFlappy · 03/03/2017 17:10

I didn't want one so don't know why I'm feeling sad that it's the end of my child bearing now.

It's weird, isn't it Derulofan. DH and I only wanted two children, but after his vasectomy, when I knew I couldn't have another one (failing a miracle) I became sort of desperate to find myself pregnant. We'd bee told that there was 1 chance in umpteen that a spontaneous reversal could occur, and I actually payed for it to happen. (It didn't!)

JasonDeruloFan · 03/03/2017 17:32

Sorry to hear that Happy and you're right it's weird, I've no idea where the feelings came from it was literally out of the blue. I'm trying to ignore it and concentrate on how lucky I am to have the ones I have

Cutesbabasmummy · 03/03/2017 17:41

I have a beautiful 2 year old son from a de. We also had one 5 days old frosty so good chance it would have worked second time around. The plan was always one baby and he is a precious gift. We had a letter from our clinic about a year after our treatment asking us what we wanted to do with our remaining embryo. We couldn't afford to store it at £850 per annum. We didn't want to donate it as my son would have a full sibling out there somewhere. My husband didn't want a child out there that he would never know.. the clinic wouldn't dispose of it until I reached 48. So our only option was to donate it for research. I was so upset - we don't want another child and couldn't afford one but once I had my son I could only think that we had destroyed a child who.might look like him and share characteristics. You put so much hope into those embryos it's hard to let go. I am an only child and never wanted siblings. My husband is the eldest of three boys and he didn't want more than 1 child. You know you can't do it without your husband's consent as he has to sign the forms. You have 3 children, but I think now it's time to let go xxx

Flip

1 2 3 4