AIBU to want to give my last frosty a chance

[Whatalready]

I am lucky to have a 9 month old baby from a DE cycle. He is so beautiful. Every time I look at him I fall more and more in love with everything about him. I have two children in their twenties too. DH was willing to let me become a mum again and he loves our LO. The trouble is that I have one more frozen embryo. A perfect baby boy and I want him. I know this wasn't 'the deal' as my DH puts it. But I can't destroy him. I don't want anyone else to have him. I want to give him a chance to live. I imagine him as part of our family. I would love my LO to have a little brother to grow up with. We could afford to bring up an extra child. Our house is big enough. The DE transfer cost is low. I do all the baby care, all the night feeds, took no maternity leave from our family business despite CS. But DH will not even discuss it, wants his life back (!?), blames the baby for not having time for his hobbies (yet I've not stopped him doing anything). I don't go on about this but it is on my mind a lot. It breaks my heart to think that I can't. My sister says I should just go but that's a terrible way to do it. What would you do? Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

I feel very strongly that ALL couples going into IVF should be counselled about this possibility arising.
There are all sorts of emotional (ethical?) issues around this.
Prior to this medical technology, a man could not 'decide' to prevent a pregnancy once an embryo had fertilised. He could push for an abortion. He could walk away. But he could not legally decide whether his partner could continue with a fertilised embryo implantation. Now, he can.
And rightly so (legally, morally it is dependant on what that couple agreed at the start).
But, when fertilised embryos exist, and one partner will not allow their use (therefore determining their eventual fate) it can have real consequences for the relationship as well as those embryos.

I have pm'd you OP and I wish you lots of luck getting through this with your H and your baby, and your older children.x

I think, in the couple I am thinking of, the very worst thing about it is of course that the embryo might well NOT have implanted.
So, the male partner got all stressed about a 'pregnancy/new baby' and the female mourned a 'dead baby' and possibly all over nothing.
But I can empathise so much with this.

Thank you to everyone who has written on this thread, even if you think I'm deranged! All I can say is that you cannot imagine how differently you view those embryos outside your body when you are on the IVF rollercoaster. Very different and unique experience. I don't know what will happen. But it has been good to talk instead of just thinking.

^All I can say is that you cannot imagine how differently you view those embryos outside your body when you are on the IVF rollercoaster.&

I'm sure you're right - we don't have the deep emotional investment. But we have had our own experiences and know what such a longing is like.

Hope all works out for the best for you.

All I can say is that you cannot imagine how differently you view those embryos outside your body when you are on the IVF rollercoaster.

You're assuming none of us have been.

As you can see from my previous post I have been there

I've been on the ivf rollarcoaster and 5th time hit lucky

So that was 4 failed attempts. 4 times df and I hearts shattered and each time we thought do we do this again. To put ourselves through the mental and emotional heartbreak. Let alone financial issues. We have spent thousands over the years to have one baby

As said previously we have 3 Frosties left. I don't feel they are sleeping waiting for us

And they are all frozen singularly anyway regardless of their cells so not sure why your clinic said gave him a better chance

But we are grateful to have one baby - hopefully all going well with the birth
in few weeks

You have 3 children. 2 older ones and Dh was happy to try again many years later and you have your 3rd

He kept his side of the bargain so I don't feel you should pressurise him to have a 4th

You are in such a difficult and emotional situation.
If you choose to go ahead without the support/consent of your husband it may well be the end of your marriage.

Although I understand your feelings, I would not go ahead if my Husband did not want us to.

Surely no one thinks you're deranged to have natural thoughts and feelings on such an emotive matter. It's easier said than done but hopefully you can concentrate on what you have got and have achieved rather than what you think you're missing out on. It's obviously difficult when you have an agreement with your partner and then one of you changes your mind, not sure there's an answer to that one

user op can't go ahead without the consent of dh

When having a fet there is lots of paperwork to fill out and sign every page with both signatures

No is one saying allow but we are saying she can't do it without his consent

It may be her body but it's their baby. Means he has a say in whether its transferred or not. And at this point he is saying no

Hi OP I really feel for you. I was/am in a similar position. Husband had 2 much older children and we had a little one via IVF together. I wanted a sibling for him but DH was adamant it wasn't happening. He even went as far as to authorise the thawing of his stored sperm which I was devastated at. I brought it up periodically but he was unwavering. I kind of just had a conviction that it would work out ok but I don't know why. I was hoping for a miracle I think. Eventually when my DS was gone 3 my husband finally agreed to go again and long story short we now have a beautiful baby DD who is the absolute apple of his eye, and he happily admits to being so glad he changed his mind.

Unfortunately / fortunately we also now have 4 Frosties in limbo. It has caused a rift when I have paid for annual storage and he sees absolutely no point in keeping them. I am maybe 70% sure my family is complete but can't bring myself to let these embryos perish after all the physical emotional and financial effort it has taken to get them. To me it takes away and future fertility choice in the same way as sterilisation.

My best advice would be to bring it up periodically and hope for a change of mind. I totally understand the need to give your little one a sibling they can grow up with. My husband kept saying our DS had brothers & sisters referring to my lovely stepchildren, who are absolutely brilliant but the fact is they are adult. Its not the same as having a playmate in the same house and having those shared memories of growing up together.

One other thing OP I'm sorry to echo but in a previous cycle I did attempt a single embryo FET and the embryo did not survive the thaw. Now I don't know about th quality of that one so hopefully yours has a better chance. But it was a big blow after a month on downreg and then not even getting a try at a transfer- I hadn't even considered it might perish.
Wishing you all the best OP it's such a tough situation. One thing you could do which I tried was to put all my energy into my first son, make sure your pining for a sibling doesn't spoil your time together. When I did eventually get pregnant I was glad I had done this as there are suddenly lots of things that become harder when pregnant or with a tiny baby - me and DS had lots of adventures together in that time.

Thank you for all your comments. Auntyemaily, that's good advice. I am prepared to wait and hope. Like you, I know his older siblings dote but that someone nearer his age would be wonderful. I am very blessed already.
I don't think I say what I mean very well sometimes. I know I should have had all my 'what ifs' sorted before the IVF. I didn't think. I couldn't know. So this issue with the last frosty was something I didn't reckon on. I understand also that a deal is a deal. But damn it, it's not business stock I'm buying in here! And he sure as hell hopes for my flexibility and understanding on all kinds of things. Perhaps I should be stubborn in future and refuse to renegotiate?
If my frosty fails to make it during an IVF cycle, that's one thing. That's fate. That's as near to Mother nature deciding in a normal cycle. If I am forced to dispose of it, that's quite different. I'm sorry. I want to roll the dice. It's my last time ever. I don't dig my heels in about much, have been very easy going, but this rankles.

These questions are really hard

I remember when we did our first cycle, DH and I having extensive conversations / debates / disagreements about the paperwork we had to sign saying what we wanted to happen to any frozen embryos in the event of one of us dying or becoming mentally incapacitated. That also included gaming out many other scenarios - eg what did we want to do with any surplus embryos if we were lucky enough to complete our family.

It makes you confront some pretty fundamental ethical and emotional questions

We had PGS testing on ours, so we KNOW they have the potential to become people - they're genetically perfect (we don't know the sexes as it's illegal to know in the UK, plus I wouldn't personally want to, each to their own). The likelihood is that if I keep miscarrying healthy embryos we'll have to move on to surrogacy and try our luck with them in someone else. So of our 5 frosties left, I can't see us having surplus left over - but we've discussed our wishes up front as best we can, for everything the paperwork doesn't cover

IVF makes you have conversations you never thought you'd have - I don't think people who haven't been through it (of which there are many on this thread)

Ultimately however no trumps yes. If your partner doesn't consent to the transfer, there can be no transfer. End of.

Good luck.

Having gone through ivf myself during the consent sessions we were asked what we'd do about remaining embies.
We re rc too but I couldn't donate. ..always thought I would but when the dr said. .."a couple could get pregnant with your biological child" and I just couldn't. ..can't justify it but I emotionally I wasnt able to. ..it would be my baby.
So I get where you're coming from. ....however we knew this would be our last preg and we'd agreed that. So the plan was that the embie would be put into my womb at a particular time of the month and it would naturally leave with my monthly...
Its so easy to say...donate but that's emotionally challenging.
You both need to be on the same page and stick to your agreement....its only fair
You may not get pregnant using the embies anyway but the option we came up with was the most "natural" way to say goodbye...
Destroying the embies. ..oh that thought destroyed me emotionally. .

No one on this thread who hasn't been through it is pretending to understand, banana, they are just relating to the concept of a change of mind

Sorry California, it wasn't meant as a dig - completely agree. Clumsy wording!

Yeh I know you weren't digging at anyone. Subjects like this are just so sensitive it's hard to get words right sometimes, no harm done

Your posts read like you arent happy in your life and you want another baby to make you happy, something to look forward to. I'd give it a while.

I've never had ivf but I think I understand. I've always wondered how I would have coped. I think I'd have felt like you that they were potential babies just like the one I had.
So I don't think you are a mad crazy lady at all.
Good luck.

I had the same dilemma and understand where you are coming from 100%. I persuaded my DH to have a transfer even though he didn't really want to as I could not bear not to give our frosties a chance. Neither of us thought it would result in a BFP as we had had many years of ttc before having our first DC but, like the PP above, I felt that having the transfer was the best way of "closure" for me and the embryos.

One of the frosties is now our DS. He is a darling little boy and I feel so lucky to have him but I am not sure that DH feels entirely the same way even though he loves both our DC and is a good dad to them. I would not change my decision one bit but it has not been plain sailing as there is no doubt that his birth has had financial and practical implications which DH has resented and which I think he feels I am responsible for bringing about by pushing for the FET. It is not a major issue but it is there in the background.

However, for me it was a moral issue and I could not have let my frosties perish without giving them a chance. (I am not criticising other couples who have made a different decision, just saying how I felt about it.) It sounds like you feel the same way. I think the advice to wait then discuss again in the hope of a change of mind is probably the best.

Thank you everyone. Blueberryporridge, thank you for sharing. I do feel exactly the same. I understand and I hope the practicalities settle over time. It's a tough one. I guess it's hard to completely compromise. You can't sort of have a transfer or a baby. I have decided to wait. You are all absolutely right and I'm grateful. Obviously I am an older mum so I do feel I haven't got the luxury of years but I will continue to hope for now. I don't understand how he can be besotted by our LO and so deadset against the idea of the last transfer.

I don't understand how he can be besotted by our LO and so deadset against the idea of the last transfer.

Maybe that's exactly it though, as in the reason why he's so against. He might think having another will change the balance or upset a dynamic in your home life that he thinks is working well at the moment and he doesn't want to risk changing that.

Hopefully you can find a solution eventually that you can both live with and that it doesn't end in resentment or worse.

I don't understand how he can be besotted by our LO and so deadset against the idea of the last transfer.

Really? I am besotted by my three children - it doesn't mean I'd love a fourth.