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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mums never turned up- vol 2!

95 replies

hungryhippo90 · 02/03/2017 09:16

If anyone remembers my post about mums who invited me to join them for breakfast. There wasn't any real reason why it never happened. Just so and so was Ill and another who said that they don't go to these things.

I promise I was pretty good. Did the whole! I thought I'd turned up at the wrong time! Haha!

Now none of them talk to me. They just walk past me.

I've been a bit tongue tied, but I've been nothing but bright and happy and lovely.

I smile at everyone. And i just get blanked.

OP posts:

Sunnysky2016 · 02/03/2017 11:05

And at the end of the day, would you want to be friends with individuals who behave like this?

GabsAlot · 02/03/2017 11:08

i didnt see your other thread but the jist whats happened-they are a bunch of bitches prob following the leader too scared to go against her

how dare someone suggest u cant afford something they dont know u!

Maudlinmaud · 02/03/2017 11:11

I would have loved to have seen her face when she realised your car was newer than hers. HA! As we say here "rub it up her"

ChinUpChestOut · 02/03/2017 11:14

"I had it done at such and such salon, you probably couldn't afford it"

There - right there - that's why they stood you up. No further questioning needed, not of yourself and not of anyone else. In your heart of hearts, you knew this was a horrid thing to say, and you wouldn't normally mix with someone who says stuff like this. So don't mix with them now. Do as MagicMojito says, and separate yourself, so that now you choose not to mix with them.

Go online to find local hobbies or interests groups, or part-time courses in your area. Check on meetup.com to see if someone's started something locally. You will find other people to chat to there - maybe potential friends - but just getting out and speaking to people will make you feel good.

And start standing separately. You have different values to them.

TheFullMrExit · 02/03/2017 11:16

Op its hard to believe such people are actually adults its unbelievable and I would struggle to believe it was true if it were not for the most unfortunate experience I had with a lady from NCT. She ruined the whole experience for me.
never have I come across anyone like this lady.

She was doing exactly the same thing, breaking the group down into who had money and who didn't. Dominated the group, siphoned half off who had dc of more appropriate age - cutting the rest of us adrift even though it was perfectly possible to meet up with babies and their toddlers She would say things like " well when you get to my level of business, we need a really big long handover, for my level of job". I will never forget the look on her face after using our bathroom which is unusually large, a strange sort of humility had come over her She was cocky, arrogant, rude, forthright and a fucking pain in the arse. I wish I had never met her. Its hard to believe such odd people exist but they do!

Being a parent has put me into contact with all sorts of people I have never experienced, eg people who don't reply to invitations, people who turn up with siblings, people who gush and gush over how much a play date between dc would be the best thing the world has ever seen and when you actually invite them, they go cold and horrid when it wasn't you suggesting it in the first place. its been a nightmare for me, excruciating at times! Making lunch dates at home and people saying they will be there then casually not turning up, and with lame excuses when you have actually brought and put lunch on.

Op its been a long road for me, but I do have a few new friends whom I trust and like and get on with.

As for the not talking thing some one mentioned on a bench, I know a lady who is friendly but again new experience for me, sort of holds the conversation and cant break out to greet new people.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 02/03/2017 11:16

I remember your thread. I can't believe people behave like that as adults. I despair.

Elphame · 02/03/2017 11:18

They sound utterly horrible. Hold your head up and cut them dead

spiderlight · 02/03/2017 11:21

She sounds absolutely awful. Would you really want a friend like her, or her cronies? Step back from the lot of them. There will be nice normal mums there whom you will identify eventually, if you choose to, but at the end of the day you don't have to make friends with people just because you happen to have kids of roughly the same age. It's easier to be on friendly terms with the parents of your kids' actual friends, but don't give the rest of them a second thought - you sound lovely and you deserve much better than that nasty lot!

HappyFlappy · 02/03/2017 11:26

I really can't understand this sort of deliberate spite.

I am a very friendly person and would never cut anyone dead. there are some people whose company I would prefer to avoid, but I would never be rude or unkind to them because it is just not nice,

Why do it? And especially why make arrangements and then drop someone in the sh!t?

They are nasty people - I would be hurt, too- anyone with a soul would. But as others have said, there will be a lot of really kid people there too. Ignore the witches.

(And lovely illustration Spider )

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2017 11:26

A similar thing happened to my DiL.

She has a much better set of friends now!

justilou · 02/03/2017 11:28

Those women are bitches. They have probably known each other since primary school and they are continuing to play their juvenile mind games like they did then.

I encountered a group like that when I moved to the Netherlands. There were about six of them. OnCebu cottoned-on to their character, I just moved on. I saw that they had ostracized another mum because of her weight and her perceived social status, so I told her that I liked her boots. (They were EXCELLENT boots). After that we chatted daily and people gravitated towards us gradually. We turned our ostracism into a joke and were joined by at least eight other women who felt the same way. (We called the head bitch Barbie). When I left there three years later, the head of the school told me that I had a strong (and positive) presence in the school yard and it would be missed. (And now I'm back in Australia I miss these lovely ladies so much!)
My point is that you should think to look for the ostracized and use that as something you have in common (eventually - if you start with that, you will be seen as a gossip) - You might get lucky and make a friend.

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 11:29

Bet there all the mums in PTA it's too common.
There kids will get all lead roles in plays and anything that's nice at school and the whole world centres aroung them.
Your best out of it.

JaneEyre70 · 02/03/2017 11:34

I actually moved our youngest DD from the village school as I was so sick and tired of running the gauntlet of the nastiest set of biatches I've ever had the misfortune to meet. I used to dread 3pm, and not having to do that school run anymore was like a lead weight being lifted off my shoulders. Thank god that DH was supportive, and it turned out to be a really positive step for our DD too.

Carollocking · 02/03/2017 11:40

And agree if possible move schools

EchoesofEmpires · 02/03/2017 11:42

What everyone else said: it's not you, it's them. Congratulate yourself on having had a lucky escape, it may not be very nice to be blanked right now but ask yourself how bad you would have felt if they'd let you in only to talk down to you to your face and then later ostracise you. There must be other mums like you who feel a bit lonely or isolated in the playground, take a good look around you, you'll see the same faces day in day out. So, yeah, paste a friendly smile on and nod and greet the ones you see every day. Then maybe do as abother pp did with the other mum's boots, remark on something nice or cool they're wearing, there'll be at least one who can take a compliment gracefully and isn't going to insinuate you can't afford whatever. You are a lovely person you deserve to have lovely friends and you will find some.

dangermouseisace · 02/03/2017 11:44

oh hungryhippo I remember your first post- it just all seemed like a mistake.

But oh the bitchiness! You seem to have worked out what has been going on well- it all sounds completely plausible (Queen Bee directing things). Keeping it together whilst having BPD is fantastic- you have completely the right attitude. Keep smiling, and saying hello (but no more than that) it will help you to feel better and also make them uncomfortable/think about their behaviour. You are your own person, and you don't need their acceptance!

Please don't feel that all mums are like this. You've had an unfortunate run in with the worst sort. Not even all schools have mums like this my kids have been to 3 different ones and I've not had this but I've heard a lot about it going on in other places.

Generally in life what goes around comes around eventually. Queen Bee won't have any 'real' friends as anyone with morals won't want anything to do with her. Her posse have shown themselves to be weak people who rely on the acceptance of someone blatantly nasty for their own self worth. How fucked up is that?

You were lovely to give them the benefit of the doubt. Be yourself, and let your kindness shine through and I'm sure you'll find other nicer mothers to chat to

MrsJaniceBattersby · 02/03/2017 11:56

yep , they're weighing you up to see if you are completion for them .
sounds to me that you are and could threaten their social standing as they see it
Ignore their silly games

contractor6 · 02/03/2017 12:09

Ignore, if she talks about cost of things to you again, just say "oh but you cant put a price on a good haircut/car etc.
She sound insecure but that's no excuse for being mean

MoonfaceAndSilky · 02/03/2017 12:26

Op its hard to believe such people are actually adults

and what's more fightening is they have children, who are probably being brought up with these values and being taught bitchiness instead of kindness

diddl · 02/03/2017 13:10

I think that she's seen your potential to usurp her should you wish to-or at least not toe the line!

Otherwise why wouldn't she want another addition to her entourage?

Hopefully there are other mums/neighbours to befriend.

ItsThatBeverleyMacca · 02/03/2017 13:23

My mouth actually dropped open at the 'you couldn't afford it' comment! What an absolute horror she sounds. Leave them to it, you're lovely, they're not.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2017 14:33

Thanks for the update, QB sounds very jealous, stay well away!

miserableandinpain · 02/03/2017 15:34

Aw i feel for you. I have a great group of mum friends. They meet up sometimes for an evening out. Yet i never get invited....because i dont have facebook. They all have my number. Would be nice to go out. I havent been out in the evening with friends for nearly 6 years! I dont want facebook. They text me when they want something else but not when they are doing something fun :(

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/03/2017 15:58

Hungryhippo - where do you live? You can come to coffee with us!

Actually are there any other mums who look a bit left out/on the sidelines when you pick up? Perhaps go over and chat to them and ask them to go for a cuppa 1 to 1.

There is a great book "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty - its about to be a mini series on the TV about a "mums clique that turns a bit more sinister". You'll love it!

Marley45 · 02/03/2017 16:00

What nasty bitches. You definitely don't want to be friends with people like that! Their loss!!

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