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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to change my birthday party (ever so slightly) after the invites have gone out

116 replies

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 01/03/2017 22:46

It's my 30th this month and I have planned a big party to mark the occasion. I created an event on Facebook and asked for people to rsvp asap due to me needing to arrange food.
I have since decided not to have any food at the party due to cost.

How do I word this on the Facebook event page so people are aware or should I not bother saying anything. Party starts at 8pm. So i'm guessing people would have already eaten anyway.

OP posts:

Seren85 · 02/03/2017 00:49

You really can't have a party in a hall and no buffet. Maybe it's just my extreme northerness but no pasties and they'll revolt! Can you try making it a pot luck? Or as above moving drinks money to food money.

GirlElephant · 02/03/2017 00:54

Instead of providing a few drinks can't you just provide one drink on arrival & use the difference on a buffet?

BackInBlack78 · 02/03/2017 01:13

I'm with other posters, take off the welcome drinks and use of a buffet... when I've organised my parties (21st, 30th, engagement etc) I've always done the buffet myself and usually only spend £100-150, I make that go far! I make sandwiches, vol au vents, sausage rolls, quiche, crisps, nuts etc etc and everyone's happy! Speak to the venue and see if they can help you out, people WILL expect food at a party but won't expect welcome drinks

littlefrog3 · 02/03/2017 01:15

You can't have no food! And you can't ask people to pay. Come to my party and pay for your own drinks at the bar AND gimme a tenner towards the food.

I would be telling you politely 'NO I will not be coming!'

I don't know how many you have invited, but FGS suck it up, it's too late now! Go and get a 100 paper plates from Tesco, 100 serviettes, a bunch of crisps, (15-20 bags,) pringles, dips, nuts, doritos, cheese savouries, 2-3 blocks of cheese, 2-3 tins of pineapple, 2-3 packs of mini sausage rolls, some mini pizzas, some mini quiches, Indian snacks, Chinese snacks, spring rolls, mini sausages, plus many other frozen party snacks... and cook and prepare them yourself. Tesco and Iceland do big party packs......go visit them and see.

You can get almost everything already cooked and you just stick it in the oven for half an hour. The cheese and pineapple is the only thing you will have to do yourself manually.

It will take an hour - two at the most. I have done (roughly) this spread numerous times; it cost about £75, and fed 35+ people.

As many have said, a party with no food? WTF?

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 02/03/2017 01:21

I've never really questioned before why it's socially acceptable to ask people to pay for their own drinks but not for their own food. Maybe something to do with the ease and speed of bar service and the wider variation in people's tastes.

Anyway, regardless of why, that's how it is.

littlefrog3 · 02/03/2017 01:27

Don't know why it's not socially acceptable to ask people to pay for their own food when invited to a party or wedding, but it just isn't. It's no more acceptable to get people to pay for or provide their own food than it is to ask them to pay for a chair to sit on and a table to sit at. It's just weird. And wrong. A bit like inviting someone to a wedding overseas, and expecting them to pay for their own plane fare and hotel room. (When YOU have invited them.)

People have always paid for their own drinks at the bar at a party or wedding. But never the food.

salsaqueen2 · 02/03/2017 03:12

It's not a "ever so slightly" change, but a major one.

I really, really feel you should not have a party without offering your guests food. Even more so as you told them there would be. I have never, ever been to a party where food of some sort was not offered. it is beyond rude. I'm not sure why but it is, and I believe you would have more than a few unhappy guests. Even if every guest has eaten before I still believe you should provide some food. It is far more important that food is provided by you, than the drink is. Expecting people to travel and celebrate your birthday with you, maybe bring cards or presents, and yet not giving them some food, really does appear to be very selfish and self centred.

However, as others have suggested it is quite possible to put together a basic buffet on little money. If you cannot afford to do that either then I think the lesser evil is to cancel completely and maybe have a party (with food) at home.

Paninotogo · 02/03/2017 03:13

It sounds like a bit of a shit party tbh. A couple of drinks and no food, I wouldn't be surprised if lots of people now bow out. Why not hold it at home? No one remembers the venue, but they do remember miserliness with regard to food and drink, because they are what constitutes 'hosting' a party.

Spring2016 · 02/03/2017 04:26

Read your venue contract regarding whether you are allowed to bring the food, use their kitchen. Hopefully you can make and bring the food yourself. I would not invite anybody for a party and not serve food, so food would be served even if I had to get a small loan. Good luck!

NightWanderer · 02/03/2017 04:42

What kind of venue is it? I agree with the PP who said that I'd take food and drink over venue any day. Unless the venue is amazing, it does all sound a bit crap.

I'm just concerned that someone who posts about a party on FB saying RSVP asap so I can organise numbers for food, thinks it's ok to just not provide food without mentioning beforehand.

I think whatever you decide is ok, but you need to be upfront with guests about what is being provided and what they are being expected to pay and rough costs.

You want to have a great party, not have loads of people annoyed.

SorrelSoup · 02/03/2017 04:54

If the venue allows own food then you can get a Costco buffet really cheap. Under £80.

emmyrose2000 · 02/03/2017 05:11

I can afford the party

If you're not providing food, then no, you can't afford the party.

Either provide sufficient food for everyone, or cancel the party.

If I turned up to a party, regardless of time or event, and there wasn't any food I'd turn around and leave.

A lot/most/all of the guests will probably bring you a present. It's just plain greedy and rude to accept those and not offer proper hospitality in return.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2017 05:16

You simply can't do that, some people will get drunk and need food, others will starve and you will have drop outs if you tell them. And what about the diabetics or those, who have blood sugar issues. It's an absolute no no when you've invited them on the basis of being fed. Reallocate some of the money you've used on drinks for food. Give one free drink per person and scrape the rest of the money together. Lack of free drinks is excusable. Lack of free food is not. Do you really want to be whispered about or worse yet, have stuff splashed all over Facebook?

FrenchLavender · 02/03/2017 05:18

If you can't afford to feed and water your guests then you shouldn't host a party particularly if you know people will buy you a gift. It's a birthday party so most guests will have the manners not to come empty handed. It's a bit bad form hosting a party & receiving gifts but not providing refreshments.

Totally agree. I would not dream of hosting a party (even an evening drinks party) without providing any food at all, even if it's just crisps, nuts and a few canapé type things.

If you are determined to have the party then I would ask your guests to all bring a buffet dish and a bottle, but NOT a present. Just be honest and say you don't need gifts but you do need help with the catering.

MTB1003 · 02/03/2017 05:23

Op you have to provide food! And not only nibbles at that. You need to provide an actual meal. It's 8pm and most people will eat that late, also if they are drinking wouldn't you think to provide a meal. Sorry what's the point of a venue, and all the other stuff if you can't give them a meal.

scottishdiem · 02/03/2017 05:24

If I were invited to a party at a venue I would be looking at getting some food but not the drinks. If you can, switch the costs around.

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2017 05:35

Lol, this isn't a slight change as others have said, it's a major one. I agree with the others, transfer the money for drinks to the food, and tell folks it's a paid bar if you told them free drinks all night. Most people expect to buy their own dinks anyway, they also expect food though.

So I think you're doing it the wrong way, provide food, let them buy their drinks, you can't really have a party with no food. Well you can but not a great one.

If you don't want to do this and want to provide no food you need to tell them in advance,

Underthemoonlight · 02/03/2017 05:49

We went to a surprise birthday party when we arrived made the effort and there was zero food the family had been out for a meal prior but failed to provide for the guests, we were starving and ended up leaving and going to KFC. I've just turned 30 so I don't get the big birthday parties for our age TBH we got invited to one and declined and got another one later this year.

The whole point of throwing a party is you swallow the expense of it decorations,venue and food. I wouldn't be impressed if I got dressed up, got a baby sitter, got a gift and there was zero food, a lot of people finish work so are busy seeing to children then get ready to come straight out so won't eat. As someone else said you could just invite friends to the pub and have a night out.

Gooseysgirl · 02/03/2017 05:59

Sorry you need to suck it up and pay for the food. I would do what others have suggested and cut back on the drinks to try and make up the shortfall.

SorrelSoup · 02/03/2017 06:16

I didn't realise it was such a big thing til years ago either op. I equated it to meeting up with friends and going on a bar crawl, where we'd chat and drink. No food. I always wondered why people got dressed up and went to parties to eat.

I hate it when the whole party stops cos the buffet's open. Music down, lights on. Like something from Phoenix Nights.

But as you can see, people do expect it!! You can do it very cheaply, but it all depends if you're allowed to do your own catering.

WateryTart · 02/03/2017 06:20

You can't have no food at all.

londonrach · 02/03/2017 06:23

Op you have to give something as the invite said food so people be expecting it. Its a major change.

TellMeItsNotTrue · 02/03/2017 06:37

I think the reason people are happy to pay for drinks and not food is that you can go to the bar and order what you like and what you can afford, paying for a buffet which might not have anything you like, paying when you aren't hungry etc is not the same at all

PurpleDaisies · 02/03/2017 06:52

If there's no food, you're expecting your guests to eat pretty early then have an evening of drinking with no food available. I'd be falling over.

I agree with everyone else. Take money from drinks and put it into nibbles.

Lilaclily · 02/03/2017 06:56

Are you single with no family? Is there anyone like your parents who you could say i0 stead of a present could they chip in with a contribution towards the 300 QUID?

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