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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child Maintenance

22 replies

Historygirl97 · 28/02/2017 22:27

Heya,
This is my first post and I'm not sure if it's in the right place but I'm just looking for advice.

About 5 months ago, I left my partner of 5 years (we have a 10 month old ds) after he stole £300 and shoved me into a mirror that broke (I needed stitches).

I stupidly didn't go to the police and he made me think that it was my fault he pushed me and that he didn't mean it (not relevant but it's just for you to get an idea).

I decided to apply for supervised visits at a contact centre as I thought this would be best (he is now refusing to fill out the forms needed for a self-refer and is threatening to just take DS who he has never looked after -even for an hour- and who is BF).

His mother has also said she would help him take DS and leave and we'd never find them

I also applied for CSA and once he received the letter, he came over and started calling me names like I'm a bad mum as he won't be afford to come and see him (he lives with his parents and it's a 5/10 minute drive and a 30 minute walk).

He is now threatening to quit his job(and not going on benefits because his parents will pay for him) just so I can't get Maintenance for our ds.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 28/02/2017 22:30

I don't think anyone can really help, as such OP, but don't stress just sit tight and continue with the claim.

If he decides to quit his job then that's his prerogative, but if he does then there isn't much you can do, but at least you know he will be skint himself just because of his stupid "stand".

Don't feel guilty about making a claim. Why shouldn't he pay for his child?

19lottie82 · 28/02/2017 22:31

PS remember you don't have to let his see your DS if you're worried for his safety.

Access and maintenance are not related. One does not always mean the other.

Jac1970stone · 28/02/2017 22:35

Hi Op - you are right to be away from him - I stayed far too long in an abusive relationship. I have to say Safer Places (a charity) have and are really helping me. They can help you to get a non molestation order at court - it's free and quite quick to get - to stop him being able to just take your DC. They will also help you to look at child maintenance claims - I had to go to the Child Maintenance service in the end as mine wouldnt pay up but they have sorted it now. They also let me see their solicitor every two weeks for 30 mins for a couple of months to do all the legal paperwork - all free of charge. Couldn't rate them highly enough. I am now going through divorce, financial order for the divorce and criminal case for the abuse and without their support I wouldn't have been able to do any of that. Give them a go. X

Original poster

Historygirl97 · 28/02/2017 22:36

He said he doesn't have to pay because I wouldn't use it on him

I definitely would only use his money for him or things that will benefit him.

I was worried that if I didn't let him see DS that if we went to court, I would look awful
I just feel really rubbish about this and worried.

I'm hoping it's just an immaturity thing as we are both young.

OP posts:

Jac1970stone · 28/02/2017 22:36

Ps if you are further worried about DC safety then ask social services for help - they only need a suspicion of abuse to be involved and they will support the court action too. Good luck.

Original poster

Historygirl97 · 28/02/2017 22:37

I don't know how to tag (yet)

That's really useful for me, thank you ever so much Jac1970stone!

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 28/02/2017 22:38

Speak to women's aid.

Original poster

Historygirl97 · 28/02/2017 22:38

I'm worried Social Services would judge me and take DS away because I stayed in an abusive relationship
Yyou here all sorts of horror stories

OP posts:

Jac1970stone · 28/02/2017 22:39

Also op if you let him see DS and there is a fear of risk to DS then you are effectively putting DS at risk - the court will look at that a lot less favourably than you stopping ex seeing him. Just say to the court you want supervised visits only for DS safety.

AgnesNitt1976 · 28/02/2017 22:40

Not sure whether it is too late to report the assault to the police but it might be worth looking into.

I suggest that you keep copies of all correspondence and threats, also I would personally only contact him through text or email.

Considering his threats I would speak to a solicitor as usually get the first half hour free. Threatening to kidnap his child is awful behaviour and I personally would not allow unsupervised visits either.

If he

Jac1970stone · 28/02/2017 22:41

No the really won't. They have been great with me. They had long as you are cooperating with them and working with them for the safety of the child that's what they want. They can help out a lot of other support in place to help you. I stayed for 24 years in an abusive marriage - and I wasn't judged for staying too long. They understand that you don't realise what's going on when you are in the situation day to day.

harderandharder2breathe · 28/02/2017 22:42

No advice but you've done the best thing for your DS by getting away from this man, well done!

Keep going for maintainence. If he's stupid and spiteful enough to be skint so he doesn't have to pay a pathetic amount towards his child then he's a twat. But don't give up, and remember that access is separate and just because he pays doesn't mean he gets to keep DS away from you

chilledblain · 28/02/2017 22:42

You haven't stayed in an abusive relationship, you'll done really well, and got both of you out.

Let him apply to court for contact with his son, after he's threatened that. I bet he shouts and postulates, but never applies.

Apply to the CMS. He may well mess them around, but it's them he's messing, not you. If you can afford the charge, pay for them to handle it.

Keep a record of threats, and keep contact between you to a minimum.

Is he on the birth certificate?

chilledblain · 28/02/2017 22:43

Second speaking to Women's Aid.

harderandharder2breathe · 28/02/2017 22:44

No one is judging you except positively for escaping

Women stay in shit relationships for all sorts of reasons. The important thing is that now you are free and are able to protect your son from him and his abuse

Original poster

Historygirl97 · 28/02/2017 22:54

Yes, he is on the birth certificate.... I take it that will affect what the courts say?
What do I apply to court for??
(Really sorry for these questions - I'm 19 so not versed in anything)

OP posts:

Original poster

Historygirl97 · 28/02/2017 22:55

And thank you all for making me feel more positive for leaving him x

OP posts:

chilledblain · 28/02/2017 22:59

You don't apply to court, unless you need a restraining order or something,to protect yourselves.

I would say, tell him he can't have contact due to the kidnap threat. Ignore his texts etc, but keep a record, and see if he applies to court, or disappears.

My money is on the latter.

Talk to Women's Aid. Good luck.

19lottie82 · 28/02/2017 23:27

Hi OP - Of course he has to pay. Please ignore his threats and lies - carry on claiming what is legally yours to provide for your son.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/02/2017 23:56

yes continue with claim, continued with push for supervised contact and document everything. that means keep copies of all texts, if he calls write down conversation immediately after, same with other relatives.

I agree that speaking to SS is a great idea and if it does go to court this would really help you

Justanothernameonthepage · 01/03/2017 05:57

Just popping in to say you're doing the right thing. Keep every price of evidence, and talk to woman's aid and any local abuse charity's that may be able to help. Keep the evidence that you wanted supervised contact (shows that you were willing to enable contact). Plenty of victims don't report violence to the police so don't feel silly about that, but well done on taking the move to keep yourself and your child safe.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 01/03/2017 06:21

First of all OP well done for leaving him, it's not an easy thing to do.
My XH threatened to take my son, and meant it, so I stopped contact because of that and because he hit me in front of my son. There used to be legal aid but as far as I'm aware that's stopped now so you don't need to apply to court for anything. That's down to him, if he chooses to.
If it does go to court, you're able to ask for supervised contact because he's threatened to take the child. Either in a contact centre or another court approved venue.
Lastly, maintenance. Unfortunately the system is full of holes, sadly. A NRP who is determined not to pay will find a way. My XH has never provided for my son in 10 years. If there is any way you can support your child without it (benefits, work, family help) it might be best to try and plan that way, so that you're not dependent on a feckless idiot for money, and if you do ever get maintenance then it's a bonus rather than something you rely on.
Best of luck OP, sorry for the really long post. FWIW I'm 10 years free of my abusive ex and am now in a happy, healthy relationship with two more kids. There is always hope

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