Interesting letter from a volunteer to non volunteers

[Narnia72]

Volunteering

I hope the link works. We often have discussions about "worthy" volunteers with regard to school activities, but this was a thought provoking read. It was timely for me as my son's football team is having to close the younger age group classes as there's no-one to coach (made up of volunteer coaches). It made me think about all the volunteers who give their time to run low cost groups for my kids; brownies, cubs, football, messy church, netball, youth drama are all run by volunteers. When you talk to them it's clear there is a circuit- they often start on the pre school committee, then progress onto PFA, governors, then to the clubs that their children are interested in. It's very much the same people, over and over again. Why is that?

It also reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a brown owl, who had been spoken to very rudely by a parent, complaining about the activities on offer, and why they didn't do more. When asked if she would help, this parent recoiled in horror and said "but I PAY you to do this for my kids". There's clearly a massive lack of understanding about what these roles are.

So, open to debate. Do your children benefit from activities run by volunteers? Do you value them? Do you volunteer yourself? If not, do you look to help in any way, either by donations to the group, or supporting fundraising events? Do you ever think to say thank you to the volunteers? This is not meant to be a goady post, I volunteer in a minor capacity at school, but although I do value what the external clubs do for my kids, I am guilty of taking the volunteers who run them very much for granted. I am going to say thanks to them all this week!

I'm trying to help the football team attract coaches (football sadly not something either me or DH are in any way skilled at), and have met with so much apathy and indifference, but also entitlement, as though the tiny sub they pay guarantees a 5 star service.

I know the letter writer is a bit sanctimonious, but thought there were some good points in and amongst. Thoughts?

[SockQueen]

I'm an assistant Brownie Leader, though currently on a hiatus after having a baby - fortunately our unit has enough other leaders that they can manage without me for now. I started out doing it for my Duke of Edinburgh award, so definitely for my benefit, and continued because I enjoy it. I know the girls enjoy it and benefit from it, but I wouldn't carry on for their sakes if I hated it. I was working full time in the NHS before mat leave, and managed most meetings, just had to skip it if I was on a long day that day, which wasn't often.

I've also signed up to help out at a local breastfeeding cafe, not as a counsellor, just making tea and chatting, as I found them really helpful and I want to put something back into it. Haven't thought about things like PTA etc yet, but I'll probably end up involved in some way! DH is much lazier and I'll be surprised if he does more than the odd morning here and there when the time comes.

I must admit one of the first thoughts when we found out we were having a boy was "Oh no, he'll have to go to Scouts!" Now I'm contemplating whether I'll be able to send him off to Beavers in good conscience without ending up as a leader myself, and whether that would be betraying my Girlguiding roots!

[MargaretCavendish]

I don't volunteer. I am a 'barely making it through the day' person right now.
H doesn't volunteer. He feels it's beneath him.
Different reasons, but neither of us volunteering.
I come from a family of 'staggering through the day' people.
H comes from a family who pull up the bridge behind them.

Hmm, I doubt that's how he sees it!

[BertrandRussell]

Milk- you have noticed that everyone acknowledges that not everyone can help, haven't you?

[Schwifty]

BadKnee

I feel the same, like my pp when I said I needed a purpose - and it helps other people so, so be it! Happy to hear it's helping you.

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Sitting hmm okay!

DH volunteered on a FT basis when he was younger and pre Dc was still doing a full day every few weeks.

It is fine if it fits in with your dc commitments but dd is 2yo and in ft childcare and I don't think it is good for her to be dragged out of bed early on a weekend.

I also do not think it is fair to say someone is a giver or a taker. Dh works ft for a local charity and I work in education and spend time doing public engagement stuff around my job like setting up displays in a local museum and giving talks to a local school. Those things are not volunteering as we get paid for them but I think they give back to the community massively. I think lots of people contribute through their work, teachers, police, nhs workers, social workers, etc. Disagree that only volunteers are givers!

[ChilliMum]

I am a serial volunteer. I am not particularly a do-gooder but I am on a fairly low income and my kids opportunities would be far more limited without all the amazing volunteers who run the activities. I am happy to give back too.
But from a personal perspective I have gained far more than I have ever given. I have so many skills / training opportunities from volunteering: I can organise an event on a shoestring in a short space of time, I know how to access funding and write an application, I can risk assess, give presentations to rooms full of people, I am on first name terms with half the kids at my children's school, I can face paint, have crb and food safety certificates, chair a meeting, do basic book keeping, write a press release; the list is endless and pretty much all these skills have helped me at one time or another when I have been job hunting. Mostly though I have met some absolutely amazing people and made some fantastic friends.

[Allington]

Why some people volunteer and others don't...

I'm not quite sure which category I fit into. I rarely volunteer - so a selfish non-volunteer...

Except I helped start and run a local charity on a voluntary basis for over 10 years. I've volunteered as a youth mentor for teenagers getting into trouble with the law. Helped at a school for children with SN etc etc blah blah.

But no, I'm not a volunteer now (although am drifting into helping with Sunday School - so may yet end up on the side of the righteous) - DD has turned out to have some SN and life has been a bit of a roller coaster one way or the other. Her well being is my priority right now. Maybe in future I'll volunteer again.

It's not a simple as 'some do, some don't'.

[Megatherium]

Volunteers are not saints, they choose to volunteer for their own benefit above all else, either because they want a hobby/purpose, feel good giving or because they are on an ego trip

I think it's true to say that volunteering often isn't an entirely selfless act, but it is a long way of being the totally selfish act that this suggests. When I joined my local dyslexia association, for instance, I started volunteering for fundraising and, ultimately, to go on the committee because it was in my child's interests for me to be part of a supportive local association where I could get information and support and therefore it was in all our interests for that association to keep going. But I've stayed involved despite no longer having any direct personal need to do so, basically because I do still feel a need to give back and to help others. And, from what I've seen, I'm not at all unusual.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

BertrandRussell - yes! I was trying to answer Ragwort's question by thinking back to before when I didn't rather than couldn't.

(Although some posters have helpfully pointed out that they've managed it despite x, y, z, and have come across as a bit superior.)

[brasty]

I think it is true that many volunteers come from families who volunteer. Both my parents volunteered. I and my DP volunteer.
I do understand about just making it through each day. Two of my relatives were murdered and for a few years I did nothing that was not strictly necessary. Volunteering went out the window.
Most of my volunteering is because I want a club to happen, and without my volunteering, it won't. I and my DP have set up things from scratch.

[user789653241]

I always help out at school fairs, etc., but I can't be part of PTA. I am too timid to mingle with our school's PTA, though they seems like nice people, seems a bit cliquey and sometimes a bit scary!

[WorshipTheGourd]

MargaretCavendish
that's an odd thing to say?
I write that as I know that is how he sees it as he has said to to me.
For example, when ds was a Cub and they needed someone to be a 'quartermaster' re the stores, H would have been perfect for that (he's not great with kids but is great with organisation) so I tried to talk him into it. Ds would have benefited from a parent being 'around' sometimes at Cubs too (thinking about it, I have volunteered - at Cub camps, and I got a lot out of it myself).
H simply sneered and said: 'why should I when I could be at home watching the TV'. I said that if everyone thought that way Cubs wouldn't run and he said: 'So what? why should I care? if they have time to waste more fool them'.
It is one of the many reasons we are now separated - him being a 'taker' in general.

[BurningBridges]

To me volunteering is as natural as working, doing housework etc., its part of life. I have been lucky to choose things that really interest me, Chair of a federation of primary schools, working with young soldiers, CAB etc, and I work for charities too so there was never any question that I wouldn't volunteer. When I was at school early 70s there was a volunteer scheme and we'd all go out and harrass sit with elderly people who had no other visitors, the school arranged it so that's where it started for me.

I have one DD who volunteers for everything, and the other is outraged that she might have to give up her time for NOTHING! DH would never volunteer even though he now works for a charity too. I think the worst thing is when people don't help but complain about those who do - and also when people think that services are paid for when in fact they rely on volunteers e.g., lifeboats (which is an outrage but that's another thread eh).

Surely though all it comes down to is people doing what they can, if they can?

[BertrandRussell]

"It's not a simple as 'some do, some don't'"

In my experience, the only people who think it is are in my arbitrary 25%..........

[supermoon100]

People who volunteer and help out in their local community have less depression and live longer. If that's not a reason to do it, not sure what is!

[KERALA1]

I think its good to model volunteering to the children. Doesn't have to be running a Brownie pack every week but being supportive of community efforts and doing your bit where you can. Eg manning a stall occasionally or turning up to help the school install something. These are occasional one off things even DH who works full time and then some can manage this.

If you can't do anything due to work/health you can't and thats it.

But there are insular families who take advantage of the efforts of others and could easily contribute but choose not to. And are quick to criticise volunteers efforts. I do struggle with these tbh, there are several around here. I really don't get it, wealthy SAHMs / part time workers who carp and criticise at others fundraising efforts for the school.

[TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork]

My children do volunteer led activities, I do not volunteer for them. Neither do I volunteer for any school activities.

But I do volunteer in two arenas that have nothing to do with my children. That volunteering is difficult, time consuming, took a lot of training and often very depressing.
The people judging me for never volunteering at school wouldn't know how much I do in other areas though.

[BertrandRussell]

"The people judging me for never volunteering at school wouldn't know how much I do in other areas though."

So if specifically asked for help with a specific one off thing that took, say, an hour-what would you say?

[Deadsouls]

rousette
Apologies for snippiness . Morning grumpiness and a bit of defensiveness probably because I feel guilty (a little) for not doing more, but I also acknowledge my limitations.

[Auntynumber3]

I don't mind if people don't volunteer to help out with their child's activities, as long as they don't get cranky at me when I tell them that their child can't participate because there are not enough volunteers.

[ThomasRichard]

I think it's often difficult when you're already tired and stressed and struggling to imagine that taking on another responsibility would be in any way rewarding. I'm a single parent to two small DC, work full time in a demanding management position and study for a degree part-time and I'm exhausted. By the time the kids are in bed all I want to do is crawl into my own bed and sleep. However, I also have a couple of volunteer positions at church, I run a little collection box for toiletries for homeless people at work and I volunteer at parkrun as many Saturday mornings as I can attend.

I used to be a civilian instructor at air cadets but gave it up when I had DC1 as I couldn't manage two evenings a week and weekends out of the house. I'm not able to commit to something like helping out at Beavers because I don't have any childcare for DC2 and I can't do the PTA because the meetings are held when I'm at work. I'm also worried about committing to doing something that I really can't manage but feeling obliged to struggle on because if I left I'd be letting people down, or signing up for 1 hour a week turning into running the whole show. Both things I've seen and experienced in many years of volunteering.

So I can see it from both sides and it's tough. I think everyone can manage at least one small thing but they don't want that small thing they can manage to turn into a big thing that they can't. At a different time in their lives, they might well be able to do more but they won't if they've spent the times they couldn't feeling guilty and harassed by those who were taking on the more demanding positions at that particular point.

[ComeOnSpring]

Someone might not volunteer for many reasons but everyone can still respect the people that do.

I am a serial volunteer. I like doing it as I enjoy being part of a community. (so in that sense I get something out of it.) I wish more people would volunteer and accept some people just don't want to or can't.

The reason I am thinking of stepping down from a few things is that people no only don't appreciate it but can be very hostile to volunteers, e.g. the parents with the 'I pay for this so you are at my service' attitude.

Some examples:

• I have been publicly criticised on social media to the point I can't look at it as it makes me stressed.. even something innocuous like - 'they (e.g. pta) - don't do such and such then a few other people chipping in' is really upsetting, it does feel like bullying (being bullied for volunteering)
  

• Told that I'm not giving a good service. When I've spent hours doing something. It not like you get an appraisal (with good stuff in too) if you are a volunteer, you just do it, you might get some stuff wrong. But you don't need to have some parent being aggressive towards you.
  

- People rarely say 'thank you' before the wolves attack I don't do it for that - sometimes its nice to be appreciated.

• Had people many people tell me what I haven't done rather than be constructive.
  

If I do step down - there will be gaps where I have left committees and organisations - no one is prepared to stand in. I am fed up with being in conflict situations because I volunteer! Best case is I stay volunteering and have supportive non volunteers.

[TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork]

So if specifically asked for help with a specific one off thing that took, say, an hour-what would you say?

It would depend. If you really needed it and I could do it (I can rarely do things during the day due to other children) I probably would.

[Ohyesiam]

My reasons for starting PTA were not altruistic. I felt slightly wary of school as a concept, not the individual school I chose to send my kids to, which I felt good about, more the Institution of Education( I've never felt very mainstream).
I did want to help out, as I could see the teachers were excellent, and over worked.But I wanted to see how it all worked, for the staff and kids, what the heads were like , and to get a flavour of what my kids day to day experience was.

I've been doing it for about 5 years, and it's been great, I'm not wary any more, and it s good to see the kids benefiting from PTA funds raised.

[BertrandRussell]

One of the maths teachers at ds's school used to mark GCSEs and told me he wished he still did because he might have more of an idea of what's going on.............