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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if anyone else had a mother who bore grudges like mine

62 replies

arainydayinearlyspring · 28/02/2017 16:59

Some examples were

Hating a school friend I had for being naughty at our house when she and I were five - she continued to hate her when she was 16.
I stayed at my aunts when I was about six. Apparently I was told off for sliding down the banister. Mother was still going on about it ten years later.
Every little thing I did that was bad was brought up repeatedly for years after it happened!

AIBU to think this was strange ...?

OP posts:
OldBooks · 28/02/2017 17:07

DM is exactly the same. Never lets anything go, brings it up in arguments YEARS later as proof of whatever point she is making. Similarly petty things to your examples. FWIW she's a narc so never forgets any slight, real or imagined.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 28/02/2017 17:08

My mother can remember every single minor transgression I committed as a kid while simultaneously forgetting the years of emotional and physical abuse she put me through and continually threw it back in my face for many, many years.
Literally the only thing that repaired our relationship was her being diagnosed with cancer and we were told it was terminal, so we didn't have the time we'd taken for granted. After radical surgery she is hopefully in remission and we get on now, but a lot of damage has been caused.

Lottapianos · 28/02/2017 17:09

I have a narc mother too who bears grudges like her life depends on it, and is probably never happier than when she is dragging them all up again. I have very limited contact with her these days

WatchingFromTheWings · 28/02/2017 17:10

My 'D'M is the same. Rakes up old grudges even from when she was a child! Was pretty much NC with her sister for 40+ years due to stuff that happened when they were children. It turned her into a nasty, bitter old woman who I've been NC with for 9 months now.

Original poster
arainydayinearlyspring · 28/02/2017 17:11

Nodding along with these ...

OP posts:
dashtracksuit · 28/02/2017 17:12

Is it a sign of a narc mother? This was something mine did constantly.
Being told off at 16 for something at 3 etc...
These days, she has calmed down- but my teenage years were hell.

Holdbacktheriver · 28/02/2017 17:12

Yup my DM is the same in fact she is still bringing up things my uncle did in the 80s during disagreements.

She made it incredibly difficult for me to make and maintain friendships throughout my childhood and teens as she would latch on to any tiny mistake and never let it go.

I've moved away and keep my DM at arms length now. I just don't have the energy for it.

barinatxe · 28/02/2017 17:12

Lots of people remember grudges. I have plenty of scores to settle, some of them dating back to the 1980s. Usually I don't dwell on them and would probably not "strike" even if the chance arose, which is unlikely since I don't keep in contact with people who I despise. But there's a choice few who I would be glad to see suffer! Grin

Gaaaah · 28/02/2017 17:12

It's very strange and my mother is exactly the same. It's the reason I do not see her anymore. I just couldn't handle the grief any further.

My favourite from my mum is 'my daughter the thief'. It involves me doing jobs to earn pocket money, being given the pocket money then when I 'wasted it' on whatever she saw as rubbish she'd tell me and the rest of the world that I'd stolen it from her.p She still talks about it now and I'm nearly 30.

She was physically abusive too and she was still telling me quite recently that she did it because I never listened.

OrchardDweller · 28/02/2017 17:12

My DM holds some grudges that are 70 years old! She just can't let anything go. I find it exhausting.

FruSkogKattOla · 28/02/2017 17:18

The 'We Took You To Stately Homes' threads www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2862886-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families are full of support - maybe it's worth joining in the latest one?

SaudadeObama · 28/02/2017 17:23

Not really, but if she doesn't like someone, usually because of covert prejudicism she refuses to admit to, then she'll leap on the first little thing they do and give it as the reason that she doesn't like them, even 20 years on. I notice this is often and usually only people that I really like and I'm really close to. Especially boyfriends and really close friends. She did it with my DH and after 17 years since we started dating, she's finally had to accept defeat. But she's not really warm or kind to him. My two closest friends have both been written off due to stupid reasons and most of her old friends have fallen out with her.

P1nkP0ppy · 28/02/2017 17:26

My DM's the same; I'm 63 and still waiting for the day she tells me I did something right ☹️
She still has grudges against her school friend- that was in the 1930/1940's!

EssentialHummus · 28/02/2017 17:28

Yup. I was still being shouted at at 22 for her having to wipe my arse when I was three Confused.

londonrach · 28/02/2017 17:37

Yes but think its normal

citybushisland · 28/02/2017 17:39

Yes, she's held a grudge against her youngest brother for 64 years, hasn't spoken to him since then. Me, for not being the perfect daughter - the list is endless but an example, I have curly hair, as a teen I wore it long, according to her I had punk hair and it humiliated her, in reality and according to photographic proof my hair was modelled on Julia Roberts, so hardly punk! My late father, they divorced in 1993 after 25 years of marriage, he died 5 years ago, every phone conversation with her will eventually get round to a rant about him.

Gaaaah · 28/02/2017 17:45

SaudadeObama now you've mentioned it, what you've described is also something I can relate to. My mum is like that too.

allchattedout · 28/02/2017 17:46

Yes, mine is like this too. My sister had a friend when she was around 9. The friend decided that she didn't want to play with my sister anymore (my sis was/is very hard to get along with as she refused to talk and would often turn her back on the friend and ignore her). My mum 20 years later holds a massive grudge and hates the friend (who is still a family friend) for 'wrecking my sister's life'. It's ridiculous- she was a young child at the time and even then, I didn't blame her. Also, my sister's life was probably more 'wrecked' by our violent narc dad and my mum taking her out of mainstream education to home educate her at age 8. But no, it was all her friend's fault for stopping playing with her apparently.

I also fell out with my best friend about 6 years ago. We made up, all is fine, but my mum can't understand why I still speak to her.

limitedperiodonly · 28/02/2017 17:46

Not my mum but I recognise the concept in another person

Some things are worth remembering for survival - if someone's done you wrong, you should remember to avoid getting hurt again. But a lot of the time I'd silently scream: 'For God's sake, let it go.'

latedecember1963 · 28/02/2017 17:49

This is all so familiar. She constantly complains about all she has done for others but that she's had nothing back. Doesn't realise that a lot of the "help" she's inflicted on others wasn't wanted. She fell out with her eldest sister over 30 years ago over a bag of M & S carrots. Hasn't spoken to her since. My aunt is now over 90 but DM totally refuses to countenance the idea of making any overtures of reconciliation. Yet will no doubt be "heartbroken" if sister pre deceases her.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 28/02/2017 17:56

My dm is like this too. Didnt speak to her sister for 30 years. Fell out with her other sister last year over somehing insignificant that happened when they were teens. (They Are 70s), i said a friends mum had died and she responded with a doll went missing once when she came round to play. 25 years earlier. And far from the first time she brought that up. Frequently throws in my face things i did as a teen. Im nearly 40. It is draining.

FannyWisdom · 28/02/2017 18:02

Another cheerful thing to note is....

It carries on after they pass (I still have DeceasedDM in the cupboard, well her ashes) we get along great now she's quiet Hmm but I can feel her glare when I'm committing one of her crimes.

Some things just cut deep.

Missrubyring · 28/02/2017 18:04

Not my mum but my DSD's (7) mum does this to her, as a result she freaks out and becomes very upset at the slightest 'misdemeanour' even if nothing bad had actually happened. We just reassure her that she's not in trouble, accidents happen and that all is good. But it's quite hard to see her get so upset at something she shouldn't because her mum will bring it up and tell her off over and over again, she's a lovely little girl who wouldn't hurt a fly. Sad

CaoNiMa · 28/02/2017 18:10

Gosh, yes.

My father too. Apparently they still haven't forgiven me for taking a pay-cut FIFTEEN years ago (to get into the industry I dreamed of working in). I'd forgotten all about it, but they brought it up à propos of nothing last week.

Likewise I had a friend at university (again, nearly 20 years ago) whom they didn't like, and they frequently bring this up, possibly to remind me of the fact that my 18-year-old self didn't know her arse from her elbow when it came to choosing mates. True, but a lot has changed in the intervening years, namely that I GREW UP.

bloodyteenagers · 28/02/2017 18:16

Oh yes. Thing is though half the shit she brought up never actually happened. She just bullshits to gain sympathy from others and then starts to belief her bs. For years her mates believed stuff then obviously as they knew us more they started asking wtf.
Like others she rarely mentions the abuse, when she does it's about a time when she thinks I deserved it to happen.
She wonders why I have gone nc with her. As have most of the family, others just tolerate her. Bitter twisted woman who has no one.