To wonder if anyone else had a mother who bore grudges like mine

[arainydayinearlyspring]

Some examples were

Hating a school friend I had for being naughty at our house when she and I were five - she continued to hate her when she was 16.
I stayed at my aunts when I was about six. Apparently I was told off for sliding down the banister. Mother was still going on about it ten years later.
Every little thing I did that was bad was brought up repeatedly for years after it happened!

AIBU to think this was strange ...?

It's not an abnormal personality trait. MN is full of people who haven't moved on from their MIL or SIL doing x, y or z years ago, as is RL.

Missrubyring, thank goodness that little girl has you in her life & fighting her corner. I'm sure she'll remember your kindnesses in years to come.

It carries on after they pass (I still have DeceasedDM in the cupboard, well her ashes) we get along great now she's quiet hmm but I can feel her glare when I'm committing one of her crimes.

I threw mine in the sea and told her she wasn't welcome in my life any more - sounds silly but I do feel free now. (She was dead already, and ashes.)

I went NC with her when I was about 20. She was still ranting on about things that the teachers had said to her when I was five. And 'didn't remember' all the abuse she put me through. Being chucked in the sea was too good for her really.

I think this is a mother's privilege.

My mum had a go at me not so long ago for working too hard, giving exaggerated examples. I told her she was making stuff up (she was) and she then fell silent.

not my mum but my grandmothers sister never forgave my grandmother for marrying my grandfather because he was not a catholic .they were old women who had not spoke for nearly 50 years before they were reconciled .what a waste of years it was so sad

Yes, strange. I am glad my mum is not like that.

Aye Wizard mine is stuck under the telly for now because she managed to piss off so many people while alive.

Mil is exactly the same. However she expects bygones be bygones when it's her cocking up

Df is also like this holds onto grudges and gets worked up and runs through the transgressions. Tricky though where does grudge stop and simply dislike ING some one start and end? For instance if your forced to be around people whom you dislike!

I went NC with my mother when I was 20. At that point one of the many things she held over my head was that I had been a reflux baby and caused a lot of laundry! She was still berating me for it 20 years later! She literally never forgave anything.

DM hates DCousin and thinks he is sly (hes really not, not that clever) because when he was 9 he blocked her loo with an enormous poo and never said anything because he was so embarrassed. He is now 52.

My MIL is like this, when we visit she just rants on endlessly about ancient slights, getting herself wound up all over again. Her 'enemies' will doubtless have forgotten it all - it really is trivial shit - but she is so bitter. She looks so haggard and old compared to my mum - a real lesson about learning to let go and look to the future, not the past.

My mother will always tell people that I was a mucky teen, and left my knickers under the bed. I am 58. She is in her eighties, she too is a narc. She also tells people that her mother vied for attention with her father, lies about imagined slights and cannot keep a friend for more than a couple of years. It's always their fault...

I've not had a good relationship with my dd for so many years, over 30 years. Came to a head this year when he raised his hand to me and threatened to hit me. I've written to mum a few times but she doesn't understand or doesn't want to, I get told don't take any notice, don't be so silly. He rang me the other day to apologise, 4 months on, well it went like this, 'it's your dad, I apologise, so are we ok?'. I said dad this has been going on a long time, he said yes, since you were 14 and you left home at 16. I've been asking for years 'what have I done?' Was just told the usual, nothing, don't be silly. He's held a grudge all these years, just because I became a teenager, I didnt leave home at 16, I was 17 ish, I'm 50 next year and he's punished me all these years for just growing up. I've never asked anything from them, just tried to get them involved, he always made it hard or tried his best to to make no effort. Now I know, however, i don't understand why, not sure if i ever will.

There are so many threads and posts on here complaining about how bad some mothers have been and still are being to their children, mostly the daughters.
I would love to know how all these bad mothers produced the perfect daughters

It's not an abnormal personality trait. MN is full of people who haven't moved on from their MIL or SIL doing x, y or z years ago, as is RL.

I think having a difficult relationship with in laws is on a different level to still being annoyed about a naughty 5 year old 10 years later!

Because we made a decision many years ago to be NOTHING like our mothers and not to blindly mirror dysfunctional behaviour, Bouquets And some of us have had therapy to help us stamp out that learned dysfunctional behaviour before it affects the people we love in the same way. Maybe think about that before you decide to be so passive aggressive.

There are so many threads and posts on here complaining about how bad some mothers have been and still are being to their children, mostly the daughters.
I would love to know how all these bad mothers produced the perfect daughters

What a strange post. If someone has had a narc. and or abusive mother they don;t have to be the "perfect daughter" to complain about it!

(My DM is perfectly nice so I don't have a personal axe to grind - just found your comment illogical in the extreme).

I don't think anyone professed to be perfect!

Ah yes, I remember as an 18 year old confiding in my mother about spending the night with a casual boyfriend (we were 18 and 19) then being dumped. She gave me the silent treatment for 3 days, then asked me how I could do this to her as she had supported me all through my dads redundancy and us being broke and nearly losing the house as a result. When I was 3

Oh my father could always be relied on to bring up anything embarrassing or stupid I might have done as a teenager. It always made me cringe.

Mine - I was about 6 and we'd gone to stay with my grandparents. The night before we were due to come home I said I'd had a good time and didn't want to go home. DM barely spoke to me for the next week and when she did it was lots of pointed remarks about how I preferred it at my grandparents...I had to grovel for about 3 days before sh'd talk to me.

Mine was just like this. One 6 kids she didn’t speak to 2 for over 40 years ! And yep she was a narc as well. When she died we actually said in the eulogy “she never said sorry !” It was true she never apologised because she was never wrong ...

I don't think there is such a person as the perfect mother or daughter. I don't think I am passive aggressive. I think a easy pushover is a better description of me. I never fought back on my narc. I wish I had had the courage. After years of nasty behaviour which was seen by Professionals from NHS I keep well away now.
Strangely it was not my DM. It was DD or not so dear D.
When I see the constant complaints about mothers it makes me sad. I as a mother did my best but now I have an AC who does not appear to fit the family background. Perhaps it is her or perhaps it is the various partners. I dont know but I can say No one in the famliy had a criminal record before nor did they live in this manner
Not sure why they chose their way of life but I can't allow any further physical or emotional abuse of me.
Daughters can be narc too not just mothers. That is what I am asking you to think about

Not perfect but survived. Counselling. Insight. Introspection. I didn't want my kids to have same shite dumped on them. Made the decision that the abuse would die with me and not be perpetuated.