To not tell her I'm been induced

[pinkberry7258]

So I'm due my baby in a few weeks and I know I'm going to be induced the same weekend mil is going away to celebrate a family occasion with 20 members of the family that's been booked for months.
Now it doesn't bother me that she is going away as she won't be allowed visit in hospital due to restrictions and I'm planning on breastfeeding so will appreciate a bit of time at home to get used to feeding but she keeps saying she wants to cancel if I'm going to have the baby that weekend. AIBU to not tell her I'm being induced and just say I've had the baby or would you say it's selfish for her not to know?

Navy I think we've got to trust that the OP knows her relationships with the people in her own extended family. Nobody's said that the MIL is awful for wanting to see her grandchild. But just because someone (DM, MIL, favourite auntie, etc) wants to be the first on the scene when a grandchild arrives doesn't necessarily mean that's what the parents want, and the parents do get to decide that sort of thing at the end of the day.

Something could go wrong (it did to me, and I wished to God I hadn't told anyone I was in labour as I ended up having 10000 people texting and calling hassling me for happy news, and had to tell them all before I was remotely ready to face it that I'd lost my baby). This sort of thing is rare, but it happens. The needs of the mother and baby for a bit of privacy & alone time have to trump the desire of family members to be first to know. If all's well she'll have the rest of her life to hang out with her grandchild.

Dont tell her... stress slows down labour process and knowing people are on tenter hooks isnt helpful! My induction took three days in hospital, and on the first day people turned up with flowers because they heard we'd gone in... I wasn't even dilating yet! Props to DH for dealing with them lol

But just because someone (DM, MIL, favourite auntie, etc) wants to be the first on the scene when a grandchild arrives doesn't necessarily mean that's what the parents want, and the parents do get to decide that sort of thing at the end of the day.

This ^^ in buckets. The parents get to dictate when they are ready for visitors.

I had two planned sections and didn't tell anyone. Not even our childcare (my parents) just said I had another appointment, they knew we didn't know how long we would be. The way I look at it, you can't give advanced warning if it was to be a spontaneous labour so it's entirely up to you. We loved making phone calls to family to tell them DC were here - nobody was offended, they respected that giving birth is a very individual situation. Both sets of parents happily visited us in the hospital as I was in for a few days. Do what suits you.

*Today 07:49 NavyandWhite

Yeah horrible MIL wanting to be around when her grandchild is born*

Or... yeah horrid DIL not wanting extra pressure when she's giving birth.

Can work both ways. And no, she can't go to the hospital. Pressure can be applied in other ways (phone calls, texts etc).
Can't you look at it from both sides?

I went in for induction on a Monday & didn't have the baby until the Thursday when I had c section. Then didn't come home till the Saturday. So might be days before anything happens.

Also... I had traumatic experience & couldn't deal with answering texts etc which I had a lot of as I'd told people I was being induced. It caused added stress for me & worry for others. I wish I'd not told anyone till after.

I didn't tell either sets of parents when I went into labour, just a lovely phonecall to say surprise. Did this with both DC's. Agree OP what can MIL do anyway. Surprise phone call when she's with her family be fabulous.

I think you should just do what you want to do and feel comfortable with. When I had my first we told my parents when I went into labour and other close family members when she was born - everyone descended on us at the hospital. It never even occurred to me to say no but I wish I had. When I was induced with dd2 we told everyone we were going in, but because of a quick turn around (induced at 4pm and home by midnight!) no one had the chance to visit and we had some time to ourselves. It was much needed.

Do you know why MIL would cancel her holiday? Has she said if it would be to visit?

I think impending childbirth can make some people a bit precious to be honest.

Unless relatives/in laws/parents are a royal pain in the arse, won't stop phoning, texting, are likely to turn up and wait around the hospital etc I don't see any reason to keep it all a secret. Especially with parents. They care, and the majority will just want to know their daughter/DIL is ok. They have been there themselves when having their own kids and don't need to be treated like children who can't be trusted to know the baby is on the way

Only on mumsnet have I heard such a big fuss surrounding upcoming labour. Planning months ahead to ban any visitors for weeks, allowing mothers parents but keeping fathers parents at arms length, keeping it all a secret etc etc.

In the real world I think most people would let their parents know they will be induced or have started labour. Most people IME are happy for immediate family to pop in to see the baby within a day or two. Breastfeeding isn't a reason to hide away for days.

I know whenever I become a grandmother I would be a little hurt to have that hidden from me. If I found out they had a planned induction date or went into hospital and had days worth of labour and kept it all a secret.

It just baffles me!

If the OP does tell the MIL, she will spoil the MIL's family occasion that has been planned for a long time- and she may still not have the baby that particular weekend: the doctors may decide to induce earlier or later, or the induction process may take a long time to work. I can quite see that this may put the OP under pressure, without any nasty speculations as to her relationship with her MIL.

I was induced with DC1 at term and only told my parents (DM's a doctor and knew it was likely as I had high BP). To be honest, I didn't even want to tell them as I hadn't wanted to be induced and certainly didn't want people checking in whilst I was in hospital. As someone said upthread, I agree that the baby's arrival is the news, the rest is private medical information. DH didn't even consider telling MIL as she's a worrier and he didn't want her worrying but just wanted to call with the news.

As it happens, nothing even happened with my induction and I ended up with a CS 2.5 days and two pessaries later having not even dilated 1cm and spent that time in an antenatal ward listening to people in labour all around me (nobody told me that was a possibility!). It was a long way from what I wanted and took a while to get my head round, even though DS and I were both healthy. I'm so glad I didn't have to provide updates on progress during that time, and MIL said she was glad just to get the good news once he arrived.

Good luck - it will all be fine and, assuming you're not planning on keeping the baby's actual arrival a secret, I don't think you're being selfish.

(And I don't think telling your parents is the same. After all, would your DH tell your parents about his health issues just because he told his parents?)

I was induced on a Wednesday evening and had DC1 on the Saturday morning. With DC2 I saw the consultant on the Friday 40+13 and no intervention was booked until after the weekend so I had DC2 at 40+16 (c section in the end). A lot of hospitals won't induce over a weekend unless it is an emergency.

Based on the above, I wouldn't tell her as really you don't know when it'll be.

to be honest pinkjumper - the fact the MIL will be cancelling the weekend away if she finds out her DIL will be induced on the Friday or Saturday, in order to sit at home 'waiting' suggests she will be the sort to call/text for updates regularly.

I had to tell both sets of parents when my waters broke and I was told I'd be induced the next day if it hadn't got moving naturally with DC1 (did start later that day), because it was Christmas eve and both sets were due to be visiting us the following day! My PIL were ok, but my Mum and Dad called repeatidly, texted at least once an hour for the full 27 hours I was in labour, and generally were hard work about the whole thing.

If you've got family like that, then keeping them in the dark so their panic/worry/excitment/drama isn't something else you have to 'manage' when you are trying to focus on getting a baby out is the best. Tell them when it's arrived - when instead of any 'worry' you are only telling them something exciting.

And it's worth noting that it's not just the MIL the OP would be telling, there's 20 other relatives going on the weekend away, so once the MIL knows and cancels her weekend away, everyone else will know as well and it might not just be the MIL that will be contacting the OP to see how things are going.

Hmmm. Tricky.

I've been induced twice - and yep, in my case, it took DAYS (so boring).

In this case, I would tell her that you've been asked to go in on to be checked over and they may decide to induce you, depending on lots of factors. However, it isn't known for sure yet so she definitely shouldn't cancel her weekend.

Only you know whether the above will be okay or will result in a "DON'T PANIC!!! DIL IS BEING INDUCED!!!" reaction.

It's a bit off topic but take loads of books and perhaps a DVD player. While you're waiting for it to work, it's a bit like being stuck on an aeroplane that isn't going anywhere yet.

I was induced, and wish to goodness I hadn't told people the date!

MIL and FIL turned up at the hospital just after lunch and hung out in the hospital coffee shop for the rest of the day, and DH was zipping back and forth between me and them to give progress reports. He was also dealing with my mother and his sister and brothers texting for updates, and I really could have done without the intense interest focused on me and my stubborn baby.

I felt really very pressured and stressed by it all, although they are all really lovely people and I'm sure they would all be upset to think they made me feel uncomfortable.

As it happens, DS was evicted relatively quickly in the end and MIL and FIL were thrilled to be able to nip in and hold him for a little while. But I wasn't particularly sorry when the nurse booted them out as visiting hours were over.

YANBU OP. Let MIL have her holiday, and you have your baby in private without any well-intentioned intrusions. And frankly, if you can't be a bit selfish when you're trying to squeeze a tiny human out of your fanjo, when can you be?

I was induced on the Saturday and my DS didn't arrive until Monday anyway. Just tell her when the baby arrives!

Don't tell her! It can still sometimes take days anyway so even if they started you off you might not actually have the baby until her celebration weekend is over.....so it's not unfair of you to withhold the info (and a bit of time to get used to baby being here won't be a bad thing!)

Don't tell her. My mother was a nightmare, wanting constant updates and then suggesting something must be really wrong when we said nothing had happened yet, posting on fb etc. She increased my stress levels no end.

Oh, and induction started Friday afternoon, but baby didn't arrive until Monday morning by c-section.

I was induced and didn't tell anyone except my DH and my mum as they were both birthing partners. To be honest, I though it would take days and couldn't be doing with the "Is she here yet?.... What about now?" texts and calls as I get grumpy at the best of times, nevermind when heavily pregnant! Only took 6 hours from them breaking my waters, so my DH rang round and told everyone as soon as DD was born. I was happy to have visitors during visiting hours but MIL and FIL turned up at 7am the next morning and wouldn't leave till I came out of the ward to see them with the baby (they weren't allowed in as it wasn't visiting hours). I was covered in blood, hadn't slept and could barely walk but they refused to leave, then proceeded to take pictures of me and baby and hang around in reception area for half an hour.

THATS why we didn't tell them (or anyone else) before as they would have turned up and insisted on being some kind of tag team as birthing partners or been waiting at my bedside as I was wheeled out of theatre. I understand it's their grandchild but they haven't bothered with her since....

YANBU. Its your choice and it would also be a waste of money if she cancelled the weekend if you did happen to be in labour for 4 days! I just found it less stressful than worrying about the pressure of "performing" while people were waiting!

Induction can take a couple days my daughter took almost 2 days to arrive over a weekend started the induction at lunchtime on a Friday and had her on the Sunday morning, only my hubby was allowed to stay with me during that time within the partners visiting hours he had to go home overnight on the Friday as I wasn't in labour just on the maternity ward, once I was in labour I was allowed another person I chose my mum my mil didn't mind was just kept informed so she could still go and have a new grandchild to come back to xx

The only time I told anyone I was in labour was when I needed childcare for older siblings. It can be a long process and it's always a stressful one. Having people checking for news just adds to the stress.

If she can't visit in the hospital anyway then she won't miss out on anything seeing the baby once she gets back.

Don't tell her. No disrespects to my Ohs family (they all come from a good place) and my MIL is great but I got bombarded when I had my dd and it ruined BF for me it also sent me in an awful state of depression which everyone else has moved on from but i never fully have (I am not depressed but I find myself dreading family get togethers and being around too many people at once when I have my dd) it's an awful shame. Don't tell her she can have her break and you can have some peace but remember if you aren't telling your MIL you really shouldn't advertise it to your own family you need to try and treat them equally. It's natural to favour your own family but if you do this you're risking MIL thinking she has to fight for her place which will result in alienating the two families.

Good luck with the induction mine took 24 hours... had to have an epidural in the end but none of it mattered when I finally had my dd in my arms xx

I wouldn't tell her just because you don't actually know you will be induced. In my experience, booked induction at 38wks with twins, they give you an actual date a week or so before but you have to ring up on the day to check there's a bed before you can go in. Anything can happen in the meantime too.

I wouldn't tell her if it was me, the fact that she has already said she would cancel the holiday if she knows the baby would arrive while she's away would make me uncomfortable to be honest- how can you predict these things? Sounds like she just wants to wait around and I wouldn't like that.
I didn't want to be induced, I had planned a hb but it didn't happen and I was terrified if going into hospital, I didn't want anyone making a big deal of things.