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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a cleaner behind DPs back?

51 replies

Figglesticks · 27/02/2017 13:11

DP and I can be quite messy. both of us work long hours and by the time we get in we just never feel up to cleaning up.
The other problem I have is when I do spend time cleaning up (as I did the other evening) I come home from work to find what I have done has been left in a shit state again.
I'm guilty too of course but I feel like it's gone way too far. The house is terrible. We have a five year old and small pets and I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for this adulthood malarkey.
I mentioned to DP that it would be easier if we just got a cleaner in for two hours a week to take the pressure off us. Even an hour.
DP won't have it and insists we should do it ourselves instead of paying for it. We should! But we don't. And I am fed up with living in such a craphole.
Would IBU to just pay for the cleaner myself once and see how it goes? I have finally bagged myself a day off this week (after two months of not having any off) so I figured I'm going to take the plunge, tidy what I can and get a cleaner in for an hour or two to finish it off.
Should I? Or would I be asking for an argument?
I don't want my first day off in what feels like forever to be tidying but I feel like this would be a good compromise.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 27/02/2017 13:15

I would get the cleaner. I used to have one but due to change of circumstances no longer do and the difference it makes it huge. It really helped keep my stress down and my mental health was fitter having someone to help out and not to feel like I had to spend my day off cleaning up.

MouseandChops1 · 27/02/2017 13:17

Go for it!
Crikey, you both work full time, it's soul destroying spending your one precious day off cleaning.
Go get a coffee and put your feet up.

wobblywonderwoman · 27/02/2017 13:18

I like cleansing but I don't work ridiculous hours and dh helps a lot too. But if I worked long hours like you I definitely would. But I don't think I would do it behind dh back.. No point in losing trust over something so minor - just tell him

Sparkletastic · 27/02/2017 13:18

Get the cleaner.

5foot5 · 27/02/2017 13:20

The only unreasonable thing would be doing it behind DPs back. Get the cleaner. Tell him you are getting the cleaner whether he likes it or not.

ImperialBlether · 27/02/2017 13:20

Tell him you'll get a cleaner to do your half. He can do his cleaning for the rest of the week.

harderandharder2breathe · 27/02/2017 13:21

Get the cleaner.

Tell DH though. If he refuses then he can do the cleaning himself

plimsolls · 27/02/2017 13:21

Just insist you get one, don't do it in secret. When I lived with an ex, he was pretty messy and I couldn't be tidy enough for the both of us, as well as cleaning and having s full time job. He always turned his nose up at the idea of having a cleaner and for some reason I just accepted his viewpoint. Looking back, the flat was always messy, I'd have to spend loads of my free time sorting it out and then not have time to clean it, I was constantly irritated by him and the mess. Obviously there were other problems in that particular relationship but I really should have asserted myself over wanting a cleaner.

HopefullyDothButterNoParsnips · 27/02/2017 13:21

Definitely just get a cleaner. It will be the best money you've ever spent. My DH had been on at me to get one for over a year and I said no as I thought it was a bit excessive as there's only two of us and the dog. I figured we should just do it ourselves etc. anyway I finally caved about a month ago and it has made such a difference having a nice tidy home. Seriously, just do it. You won't look back.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 27/02/2017 13:23

DP won't have it and insists we should do it ourselves instead of paying for it

He doesn't do it though, does he? What he means is that you should do it. Fuck that, get a cleaner and tell him if he doesn't like it he can do the cleaning instead.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 13:23

Get the cleaner but tell him what you are doing

He doesn't hold a veto

If your house is a mess, you need a cleaner or he does it all himself. But you know he won't

I have a couple if days off work this week but I am damned if I will spend it cleaning.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 27/02/2017 13:25

just tell him you are getting one. tough nooggies to him. he needs to learn how to pick up after himself too.

PurpleDaisies · 27/02/2017 13:25

I absolutely loved our cleaner and I miss her now we can't afford it.

Another option would be to spend a whole day blitzing the house (kids with a babysitter) and working out a proper plan between the two of you to maintain it for a set time. If it works, brilliant. If not, get a cleaner.

Is he pulling his weight at home or expecting you to do it all?

PurpleDaisies · 27/02/2017 13:27

If you hired a cleaner behind his back, would that mean you'd be paying for it all yourself?

arbrighton · 27/02/2017 13:27

Generally, cleaners clean, not tidy up your mess.... So the stuff needs to be away for them to do their job. Hence Why I don't have one. I'm capable of cleaning, if I put my crap away...

bigearsthethird · 27/02/2017 13:30

Get the cleaner to do your half of the cleaning and he can do whatever he likes with his half! not sure going behind his back is right though, Just tell him like that. OR get a cleaner in so he comes home to an amazing clean and shiny house one day and you might win that way!

FinallyHere · 27/02/2017 13:30

DH was very un-keen to have a cleaner, when we started talking about moving in together. It was non-negotiable for me: I checked in with her, on any new house we considered buying, to make sure that she would be prepared to go there. He is now entirely converted.

I wouldn't do it in secret, but in your shoes, I might try seeing how he likes the results of the first visit, before telling him.

Just a thought though, do you want a cleaner, or a tidy-up and then cleaner? Two hours a week may not show all that much difference. Could you agree together to get the place tidy before the cleaner is due, so that they can get on and clean?

IamFriedSpam · 27/02/2017 13:33

I wouldn't do it behind his back, but I would get a cleaner and tell DH that's what's happening. Maybe you could draw up a rota between you of daily tasks to keep things looking nicer between cleans (e.g. sweep kitchen floor, wipe surfaces etc.)

PragmaticWench · 27/02/2017 13:39

I'd give him a time limit of something like two weeks where he needs to actually get on and do his share of tidying and cleaning. If he doesn't, or does it for a whole then stops, go ahead and just arrange a cleaner. I did this when DH didn't want a cleaner but refused to actually get on and do the cleaning.

Bear in mind that you will still need to tidy before the cleaner comes each time!

bimbobaggins · 27/02/2017 13:44

I would happily get a cleaner, although I would tell your dh what you were doing, despite him saying he won't have it.

LemonSqueezy0 · 27/02/2017 13:48

From your OP it sounds like you need a housekeeper rather than a cleaner. I don't think your DP gets to decide you don't get one,especially if he isn't at least pulling his own weight

highinthesky · 27/02/2017 13:48

Get a cleaner in for common areas - kitchen, bathroom, living room etc but make sure that your OP's personal possessions are left well alone. That way he's not violated and you enjoy a clean environment.

I'm sick of men and their slovenly ways. They can be expert at pointing out what needs to be done and how to do it, but become dysfunctional when it comes to lifting a finger themselves.

BeyondThePage · 27/02/2017 13:50

Would tell DH I was contracting out my share of the cleaning, did he want to join you (and pay for his half to be done by someone else), or is he going to do his half himself. Present him with the choice.

Vq1970 · 27/02/2017 13:50

I have a cleaner, they just do 2 hours a week every fortnight and I'm so happy that we have one. My husband never wanted one but a change in personal circumstances at home resulted in me sorting it out myself and he was fine with it and can now see the benefit of it.

I have a full time job and due to husband's disability, am now responsibility for everything in the house and it's so nice not to have to worry about dusting, polishing and hoovering and washing my floors!

But as other posters have said, they come and clean, not tidy up our mess! I keep the place tidy (ish) and change the bed, washing, ironing etc so they simply come in and do a proper clean for us every fortnight and I stick a bit of bleach down the loo and wipe down kitchen surfaces in between.

I'd say go for it but tell your husband.

Dragongirl10 · 27/02/2017 13:51

Why don't you first draw up a rota of jobs for you both, if you cannot stick to it (or DH doesn't ) then he doesn't have a leg to stand on...get a cleaner.

BUT like others have said declutter and organise first otherwise you will be paying someone to pick up after you rather than clean. MY DH is untidy and doesn't help at all ( he works horrible hours so fair enough) so a cleaner is great.

I and the Dcs tidy rooms before she comes and put away all our stuff, then she does the heavy cleaning.....and home is fab ....for a couple of days!

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