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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about SIL's pregnancy

74 replies

iknowiam · 26/02/2017 22:34

I'm sure I am.

SIL is pregnant. I should be happy for her, excited to meet my future niece or nephew, and I think I am. But I'm finding it hard to cope with her near constant pregnancy updates and the articles she keeps sharing in our whatsapp group. I'm probably just being sensitive but its constant and hard to avoid, and making me feel judged. A few examples - she keeps talking about how she's exercising and keeping herslef healthy (I was on bed-rest for a lot of my pregnancy and having been quite fit before, became very deconditioned and very upset about it), how she can't bear putting on weight (I became so swollen with fluid quite early on), talking about what a lovely surprise it all is (I had a horrific time getting and staying pregnant) and the 'evidence' for a natural midwife led birth (I had no choice but a caesarean). She knows all these things, but I suppose is so wrapped up in it all that she's being insensitive. The latest one that hit a nerve was last night she was telling everyone (at PILs for dinner) how medical interventions in labour and city living are linked to asthma - knowing our latest issue with DS is that he's being investigated for asthma (we've already been told how our lifestyle has probably contributed to his allergies and eczema).

Reading that all back, I suppose none of those things on its own is any more than just chat. But it feels very insensitive and almost personal sometimes. Its making it hard to be around her, and hard to feel happy for her and her pregnancy - which makes me feel like a really crappy person. How do i get past this?

OP posts:

badabeedabom · 26/02/2017 22:36

Oh gosh, is it her first?

I was a great parent before I had children too!

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2017 22:36

I think you need to toughen up.

This is all about her, but you're making it all about you.

Squirmy65ghyg · 26/02/2017 22:37

She's a cock. So insecure.

Smile and nod, it's the only way.

MadMags · 26/02/2017 22:39

You've been told your lifestyle has contributed to your son's medical issues??

Sounds like you're a little sensitive. Her comments are about her pregnancy and her choices, they're not a judgement of yours.

badabeedabom · 26/02/2017 22:39

(Medical interventions in labour are sometimes unnecessary, but they are also very often linked to maternal or neonatal survival. Certainly in my case I would not have survived without them. So there's that.)

haveacupoftea · 26/02/2017 22:40

YABU. Pregnancy is shit as you know, but also exciting and all consuming. You spend loads of time reading articles and discussing them. It's not all about you. In fact its not about you at all.

Bellaposy · 26/02/2017 22:40

It's her first baby. I spouted all kinds about non medical births and breastfeeding before I had a ventouse delivery and a baby who couldn't latch. She'll soon realise once she's had the baby!

Remember what it's like to be in that pregnancy bubble for the first time. You can almost guarantee you are not the first thing on her mind.

SeaCabbage · 26/02/2017 22:41

Can you get off the Whatsapp group chat thing?

If she mentions, in person, something like the asthma issue, could you very gently challenge her? ask her, "so do you think DH and I have caused DS's asthma?" If you say it in a very gentle voice, it won't be aggresssive and might make her think.

some people will be nasty for as long as they can get away with it.

And it is her first so she may well be a pain for a while. Good luck

TheABC · 26/02/2017 22:41

Smile and nod. She just excited and reality will hit home in eight months or so.

buckeejit · 26/02/2017 22:41

It's most likely completely unintentional. Do try not to take it personally. If she is trying to be a bitch ignoring is probably the best tack anyway for now

ijustwannadance · 26/02/2017 22:42

I think you need to let go of the crap things that happened to you. It wasn't your fault your pregnancy wasn't textbook.

How has your lifestyle caused your DS's potential asthma and eczema?

Ohyesiam · 26/02/2017 22:44

I think she's only vaguely aware of what she's doing, she's totallky wrapped up in herself and really smug.
She is going to find out that being a parent, though wonderful, is not at all like the fantasy of being a parent. I don't use what's app, but can you opt to not see her posts.
rise above it op, she's not behaving great, but get on with for life and don't let it get you down.

Crunchymum · 26/02/2017 22:45

Nah I've got a friend like this.

She hasn't had the baby yet but her opinions are polar opposite to my experiences.... some examples are how she is glad she has been able to give up working before baby comes so she can "prepare her body, spirit and soul" for her child's arrival - knowing I worked to 37w and 38w respectively as we didn't have any choice (she relocated and her DP is very wealthy so she hasn't worked in a few years now but she is a very qualified professional)

She is having a home birth, spent hundreds on natal hypnotherapy courses / books / cds and bangs on about how negative hospital births are and how bad drugs are for baby and initial bonding [I did have diamorphine with my first and it was all very medical despite an unassisted delivery and baby 2 was born quickly at the birth centre with just a TENS]

Baby hasn't even arrived and I feel like she is criticising and undermining all my choices and experiences but I bite my tongue and I know in a few months she'll be in a different place and she'll be much less idealistic fingers crossed

Cheekyandfreaky · 26/02/2017 22:45

Love that line Badabeedaboom, so true for me too!

I think SIL is a side issue. You need to address what is bothering you, you didn't have the labour or pregnancy you hoped for. That's not nice, but it is okay not to be happy about it. Your child has asthma, that's not nice, it's not your fault. I really would struggle to be polite towards a medical professional who suggested that was down to your lifestyle choices unless you are smoking and blowing said smoke into your child's face.

andontothenext · 26/02/2017 22:47

worra

MiddleClassProblem · 26/02/2017 22:47

I think you are reading too much into most of this. I think the asthma stuff might be insensitive but also a possibility she's not so aware of this.

All the whatsapp stuff seems to be her just talking about what's going on in her life and learning about this thing that is happening to her.

I think you need to give her a break and maybe look at why these things hurt still. You had a tough time but you have your lovely DS as a result. Focus on where you've got to not where you were.

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2017 22:47

But the thing is, she's talking about herself and her own pregnancy.

It's a bit like when someone who's 10 stone says they need to lose weight, and then their friend who's 16 stone takes it personally and says, "Well if she thinks she's fat, what on earth does she think of me?"

The answer there would be nothing, because she's discussing her own body, no-one else's.

ollieplimsoles · 26/02/2017 22:48

Another one who thinks you need to let go of what happened in your pregnancy and birth op, its totally not your fault and medical interventions are there for a reason.

I was a member of an online natural childbirth group, all of us first time mums, lots of them were experts on natural birth and kept sharing studies on how interventions were the devil and how to avoid induction- when the birth stories started rolling in it was all a very different kettle of fish.

Id start challenging her a little bit though, particularly if she takes the asthma thing much further...

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2017 22:48

andontothenext

worra

What?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 26/02/2017 22:51

Just leave the group. If asked why, either lie and say you didn't realise it was a mistake or say you're a little sensitive to her messages.

Lugeeta · 26/02/2017 22:51

There is sort of evidence for some of the things she is saying but saying them to you when she knows you had a caserean and your child may have asthma just seems sort of mean, like she is trying to get a rise out of you?

I think Seacabbage's above approach is the way to go-it may make her think how hurtful she is being!

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2017 23:02

She's probably been reading that study by Danish Scientists.

"It concluded that people born by C-section, more often suffer from chronic disorders such as asthma, rheumatism, allergies, bowel disorders, and leukaemia than people born naturally."

Perhaps she's just so caught up in all the research and excitement etc, that she literally just wants to share what she's read.

MarasmeAbsolu · 26/02/2017 23:11

just let her spout her stuff, and let it be for a few months - she may well change her tune then.

But - do not make her (naive) views a reflection on what you went through. Accept your own path, as something independent / different / unique.

Her views and perspectives have nothing to do with your history or experience.

[e.g. I am well aware of the epidemiology around C-section and health "risks" - my first CX was emergency and prob saved my baby. My second CX was elective (and prob totally medically unnecessary - but did a world of good for my anxiety and prob stopped me going bonkers - Do I feel guilt when a super parent with no child (yes, that type) tells me all about the odds of X, Y or Z? No. I nod and think about what I'll be making for tea instead]

greenmidgetgems · 27/02/2017 07:09

As others have said, she is talking about herself, try not to make it about you.

Completely missing the point of the thread but you said (we've already been told how our lifestyle has probably contributed to his allergies and eczema).

Who told you this? My daughters has moderate to severe eczema and I have never been told this - aside from the usual advice about dust mites.

londonrach · 27/02/2017 07:13

In the nicest way op her comments about her pregnancy are about her not about you or judging what happened to you. Just smile and nod and look forward to meeting the baby. Dsil will appreciate you after the birth.

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