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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about SIL's pregnancy

74 replies

iknowiam · 26/02/2017 22:34

I'm sure I am.

SIL is pregnant. I should be happy for her, excited to meet my future niece or nephew, and I think I am. But I'm finding it hard to cope with her near constant pregnancy updates and the articles she keeps sharing in our whatsapp group. I'm probably just being sensitive but its constant and hard to avoid, and making me feel judged. A few examples - she keeps talking about how she's exercising and keeping herslef healthy (I was on bed-rest for a lot of my pregnancy and having been quite fit before, became very deconditioned and very upset about it), how she can't bear putting on weight (I became so swollen with fluid quite early on), talking about what a lovely surprise it all is (I had a horrific time getting and staying pregnant) and the 'evidence' for a natural midwife led birth (I had no choice but a caesarean). She knows all these things, but I suppose is so wrapped up in it all that she's being insensitive. The latest one that hit a nerve was last night she was telling everyone (at PILs for dinner) how medical interventions in labour and city living are linked to asthma - knowing our latest issue with DS is that he's being investigated for asthma (we've already been told how our lifestyle has probably contributed to his allergies and eczema).

Reading that all back, I suppose none of those things on its own is any more than just chat. But it feels very insensitive and almost personal sometimes. Its making it hard to be around her, and hard to feel happy for her and her pregnancy - which makes me feel like a really crappy person. How do i get past this?

OP posts:

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 27/02/2017 07:15

Mute the notifications or leave the group. Whilst she may not be aiming any of this at you, you don't have to read any of it.

humblesims · 27/02/2017 07:16

I think YAB a little U (understandably). Youre a bit sensitive and she is being pretty insensitive. But, as others have said, she will learn the hard way as we all do. Bubble up a smile sweetly.

Pollypickypocket · 27/02/2017 07:27

She may or may not learn - her pregnancy may be text book lentil weavery aromatherapy and whale music or it might be a blood and pain medical intervention nightmare. Either way it will be HER pregnancy. She is not responsible for your feelings around your pregnancy and unless she is being obviously cruel, you really need to find away to deal with your experiences as they are obviously quite traumatic and damaging to your long term mental wellbeing.

Fighterofthenightman · 27/02/2017 07:42

I'm with Worra - she's talking about her pregnancy and you're making a list of how it relates to you.

IamFriedSpam · 27/02/2017 07:47

YANBU. I think it's annoying and insensitive. It's possible to be pregnant and excited but remain sensitive to others around you. There isn't any need for her to share these articles with all and sundry (who very likely aren't in the least bit interested anyway).

wifeyhun · 27/02/2017 07:54

Leave the group first.

Does sound a little bit like she is making subtle digs.

YouMeddlingKids · 27/02/2017 08:02

Who's in the group, is it a family one? Weirdly specific posts from her, does she really think people want to read articles about her birth choices? How do you get on usually? Could she feel threatened that you're already a parent and she feels judged/inferior (especially if the baby was an accident!) I must admit I've caught myself doing this kind of shit when I feel like I'm being compared to someone (not whatapping them articles about my amazing choices, just justifying myself in a way that I later realise is kind of putting the other person down). So she's either oblivious and thinks the world is as fascinated with her thoughts as she is, or she's threatened by you.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 27/02/2017 08:03

Did you not discuss your pregnancy with family at all? If not I still struggle to see the issue, do you feel the same about anyone who is pg? If you did discuss your pg then she's Prob just following your lead?

DoubleCarrick · 27/02/2017 08:03

I just wanted to say, prior to having DS, I'd done a lot of reading on childbirth and was excited about how I wanted it to go. I happily chatted to my friends about it and was keen for a homebirth, etc and talked about how being at home can help it be easier because of the hormones, etc.

I'd hate to think that my friends thought I was judging their experiences because I only had thoughts of my own labour.

I now don't talk about my labour experience because I'm too worried about offending people. I feel very fortunate to have the experience that I did but my experiences are in no way superior and I wouldn't want people to interpret it like that

ElspethFlashman · 27/02/2017 08:05

Bless her heart.

OP, she's not aiming those comments at you. She's not thinking about you at all. You, like all the other women who have given birth in her circle - her own family, friends, colleagues - have now become merely people who are irrelevant now that she's pregnant herself.

She sounds very very anxious. Annoying, undoubtedly but also desperate to control this thing that's out of her control. We've all been there. I wasn't so tedious, but I remember researching hypnobirthing and wanting to do everything "right" with my PFB. All went out the window of course. But underneath I was just really scared. And pregnancy is endless and you can't stop obsessing about yourself.

You become rather a bore.

So stop taking it personally, and if you can't, come off the group. She's not going to shut up till the baby is born (and even after she could remain tedious with her parenting theories) so you're gonna have to find a way of tuning her out.

Liiinoo · 27/02/2017 08:06

She is being PFB. She'll get over herself. Gently challenge anything you feel is insensitive to your situation and apart from that let of go.

MargaretCavendish · 27/02/2017 08:09

But the thing is, she's talking about herself and her own pregnancy."

Right - but she's also having a conversation, and in conversations we are supposed to think not just about ourselves and whatever thought comes into our head first, but about the person we're talking with. SIL fairly plainly isn't doing that. If you're not able to think about the person you're talking to as well as your own current obsession then it's probably best you avoid social situations...

memyselfandaye · 27/02/2017 08:12

Do you mean your sister in law has decided that your lifestyle has contributed to the eczema and allergies?

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 27/02/2017 08:13

Yeah I've been there OP, it sort of is and isn't about you. Basically, she's looking at the things that you went through that scared her and being totally naive to the realities of childbirth/parenthood she thinks she can control them.

Only she can't control them and a few weeks of parenthood will (hopefully) teach her some manners and some sensitivity. I think the PP who said they were a perfect parent before they had children really hit the nail on the head.

I have a relative who undermines my choices constantly and it's only with time that I've been able to have the strength to ignore her. For instance, she comments continually about how 'being at home with mummy' is important and questioning why anyone would use childcare or even a preschool when they didn't 'need' to. I work full time, my DCs are in childcare for half of that time. She also refuses to send her DC to the local
Preschool where my DC go because she thinks it's cruel when they could be at home with her.

I think she thinks she's going to be awarded some sort of medal. But the reality is, she's constantly using my experiences to re-evaluate her own and that's a futile exercise. I make my choices using our experiences and as long as it works for our family then I refuse to feel bad about it. You need to look at all the things you should be proud of concerning your choices and keep them in your mind when she starts.

Traumatic labours are difficult to get over, especially when she's suggesting there is some way of controlling it. But you must ignore her, you will have plenty of opportunities to remind her gently 'of the time when you thought...'.

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/02/2017 08:13

I don't think she is being insensitive on purpose. Every pregnacy is different. She is discussing/sharing her own unique journey through pregnacy. I'm sorry, OP. You are pissing on her parade.

You had a difficult pregnancy, I completely get that. My last one wasn't great either, however, I wouldn't begrudge someone just because their pregnancy was more enjoyable than mine. I'd be happy that they didn't have to endure complications along with all the stress/anguish that accompanies it.

I don't think she was having a dig about the asthma either, she was merely quoting what she had read.

At the end of the day, she might require a C section herself? You can't always predict these things.

If the what's app group bothers you so much, give it amiss for a while.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 27/02/2017 08:14

Oh and leave the Whatsapp group. We have a similar 'family' group which I refuse to join. Breeding resentment won't help.

228agreenend · 27/02/2017 08:15

I don't think she means anything by her spouting either. She's just a new mum-to-be excited and perhaps slightly overwhelmed by her pregnancy.

RhiWrites · 27/02/2017 08:20

It's sounds like a very 'performative' pregnancy. She obviously isn't living it all that much if she needs to get these snide digs in at OP at every occasion.

I'd give the Facebook group a miss for a bit, OP. Don't be her audience..

Squidgling · 27/02/2017 08:20

Just ignore it as much as you can. I assumed I would have a lovely non medicalised water birth in the birth centre. Ended up with an EMCS. I assumed I would just breastfeed and baby would know what to do and it would all be great. She wouldn't latch, was too sleepy to feed, dropped too much weight, got jaundice and we had to stay in hospital for a week. It was awful. We did manage to breastfeed in the end for 18 months but nothing really went how I thought it would.

I think you can have all these grand ideas before the baby is here but let's face it the baby rarely fits in to your plans. You have done the best you can and I'm sure she will too. Try not to let the insensitive comments get to you.

PeteAndManu · 27/02/2017 08:22

If she was the one who told you that you had caused your son's asthma then I think she is probably making digs or she is really insensitive. It depends on the person your SIL is, context etc.

My SIL made loads of digs before her baby was born, and they were digs, and gave us lots of advice about how to raise our child. Our son is older than hers by 1-2 years. It was quite funny when she realised that the theory and practice of children are often quite different. It's evened out now and isn't an issue. Maybe gently push back.

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/02/2017 08:42

See, I thought you were being over sensitive, until the part about the asthma. There's a line between being caught up in your own pregnancy and just being an insensitive dick. Being pregnant doesn't excuse you to not think before you speak, and the asthma comment would have certainly crossed the line for me.

She's entitled to believe whatever claptrap she reads during pregnancy, but she should be more sensitive to her audience before opening her mouth. As others say though, I'm sure she will realise that children don't come from textbooks in a few months time.

IWantATardis · 27/02/2017 08:51

I'd try to ignore it as much as I could. Unfollow her on social media, try and turn conversations away from pregnancy and birth if you can.

It's easy to have all sorts of ideas about the ideal way to do things when pregnant for the first time, but when it comes down to it, there's so much you can't control about pregnancy and childbirth.

Is it SIL who's telling you that your lifestyle is contributing to your son's allergies and eczema?

SuperBeagle · 27/02/2017 09:00

I agree with the above PP that it's a bit like when someone wants to lose weight, and their bigger friend takes it as an insult. It's not. The person is concerned only with themselves, their own body and their own experience.

You obviously have issues with your own experience. That's not your fault, but it's not hers either. You need to address those issues and learn to let it go, not take what other people say about themselves as an attack on you.

Laiste · 27/02/2017 09:02

6 of one half a dozen of the other.

''She knows all these things, but I suppose is so wrapped up in it all that she's being insensitive.''

You could say exactly the same about yourself tbh OP. I think you know this though.

This is her first baby, it's her turn now and there's no real reason to tread on egg shells round you, you've got your baby and lots of women have a shite time TTC, a shite pregnancy and a shite labour to get there.

YOU know these things, but are so wrapped up in it all that you're being over sensitive.

August1984 · 27/02/2017 09:18

In pregnancy and parenthood there are always women like your SIL. If she starts going on about C-sections/asthma etc just say that maybe she should stop researching into things so much, as emergency c-sections/medical interventions aren't really something you get choice in so there's no point worrying herself. Its not mean and might make her realise that these aren't things she actually controls.

For the rest of it i'd rise above, because she might be like that when DC is here (development milestone competitiveness, evangelical breastfeeding lectures, etc) so you'll just have to get used to it i'm afraid. Make "That's interesting" your new go-to phrase.

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