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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about SIL's pregnancy

74 replies

iknowiam · 26/02/2017 22:34

I'm sure I am.

SIL is pregnant. I should be happy for her, excited to meet my future niece or nephew, and I think I am. But I'm finding it hard to cope with her near constant pregnancy updates and the articles she keeps sharing in our whatsapp group. I'm probably just being sensitive but its constant and hard to avoid, and making me feel judged. A few examples - she keeps talking about how she's exercising and keeping herslef healthy (I was on bed-rest for a lot of my pregnancy and having been quite fit before, became very deconditioned and very upset about it), how she can't bear putting on weight (I became so swollen with fluid quite early on), talking about what a lovely surprise it all is (I had a horrific time getting and staying pregnant) and the 'evidence' for a natural midwife led birth (I had no choice but a caesarean). She knows all these things, but I suppose is so wrapped up in it all that she's being insensitive. The latest one that hit a nerve was last night she was telling everyone (at PILs for dinner) how medical interventions in labour and city living are linked to asthma - knowing our latest issue with DS is that he's being investigated for asthma (we've already been told how our lifestyle has probably contributed to his allergies and eczema).

Reading that all back, I suppose none of those things on its own is any more than just chat. But it feels very insensitive and almost personal sometimes. Its making it hard to be around her, and hard to feel happy for her and her pregnancy - which makes me feel like a really crappy person. How do i get past this?

OP posts:

hearyoume · 27/02/2017 09:22

She sounds like a massive bore but I doubt any of it is directed at you.

Aderyn2016 · 27/02/2017 09:27

It is a dick move to talk about C sections and links with asthma, to someone who had to have a C section and whose child has asthma. The poster upthread, who said that conversations are a two way street and she needs to think about the person she is talking to, was spot on.

Everyone thinks their pg is fascinating, but most of us manage to get through conversations without being an arse to other people.
I think I would have to point out that how a woman gives birth isn't really within their control - you can have all the whale music and hippy shit in the world and you can still end up with a crash C section and a baby in special care! It is about luck, not superior birth choices. And yy to the person who pointed put that C sections are also linked to mother and baby survival rates, when otherwise one or both might have been lost.

Sometimes it is right not to hold your tongue in the face of provocation, otherwise she will continue to be an arse. Already she is losing a friend over it.

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/02/2017 09:27

Let her enjoy the excitement of her first pregnancy.
Why are we always so keen to drag women down on this issue?
People bore on about food, dieting, cats, cars and buying a house and we all nod and understand or laugh.

God forbid a woman goes over the top about probably the biggest thing that has happend to her.

OP I am sorry its making you feel down but unless she has form I really doubt its about you.
If its really bothering you look after yourself and mute the conversation or get off it.

HappyFlappy · 27/02/2017 09:30

Oh gosh, is it her first? I was a great parent before I had children too!

Me too, Badabee. Knew it all.

And see what happens to her "natural childbirth" when she's writhing in agony, and whether she is so derogatory about sections if she ends up having one.

She sounds very thoughtless - you did what you had to do Iknow: bed rest, section - these weren't choices because you were too lazy to get out of bed, or "too posh to push". They were necessary for your baby's health and probably for yours, too.

She'll get a rude awakening when her baby is born and she finds out that it isn't all daisies and fairy dust.

HappyFlappy · 27/02/2017 09:34

BTW - I had a section with my son and he doesn't have asthma (nor does my daughter - vaginal birth). Nor do they have any allergies.

My SIL had vaginal deliveries for both her babies, and they have asthma and are allergic to everything, from house dust to pets to onions to certain fabrics.

Make of that what you will.

(She is also much more house proud than I am and is always polishing something. I think her kids have no resistance because they never met a germ until they were in their late teens, whereas mine - actually, we'll not talk about what a slattern I am.)

MatildaTheCat · 27/02/2017 09:41

OP YANBU. I've seen some breathtakingly thoughtless behaviour from delusional pregnant women who think that enough reading and Internet 'research' is some kind of a vaccine against a difficult pregnancy or birth.

Well, I'm sure we all wish her a dream pregnancy and birth but you she will learn at some point that her theories are, in fact, incorrect.

I would leave the group or mute notifications if you still want to be there. If she asks you why just tell her that whilst you really are thrilled for her, she will remember that you yourself had an incredibly tough time and it's an upsetting reminder of a rough time. The asthma thing is different again...in that particular scenario it may be worth pointing out that even if there was some small link to CS, there is a very high causal link to maternal and fetal mortality when high risk pregnancies are denied CS. Since almost one in four babies are delivered by CS she shouldn't be discounting the possibility herself.

contractor6 · 27/02/2017 09:57

Asthma and ezcema are caused by genes (apparently its the same one so if you have one your child is susceptable to other).
I'd ignore, when the baby arrives she won't have time to WhatsApp for a few months

CuppaSarah · 27/02/2017 10:00

Maybe have a quiet word, just tell her after how difficult your pregnancy was you find her updates though lovely, a little difficult. And that you're going to come out the whatsapp group for now, but hope she'll keep you updated with the major updates. Make sure she knows you aren't upset or annoyed at her and don't mind what she's doing. But that it brings up some reminders you aren't quite ready for and since you don't want to rain on her parade.

It's honest and entirely reasonable. She will learn how to handle the emotive subject of pregnancy better, but not until she hears how her words can effect others. I was lucky enough to be very sheltered about the potential difficulties of pregnancy and childbirth at first, I'm sure I said some really twatty stuff too. Most of us do I imagine.

splendide · 27/02/2017 10:03

And see what happens to her "natural childbirth" when she's writhing in agony, and whether she is so derogatory about sections if she ends up having one.

Or she may have a perfectly pleasant natural birth. I loved my DS' birth, I can't stand this horrible need to make it sound like a hideous experience is inevitable. It's mean and it also affects standards in healthcare by trying to make everybody accept that it'll all be awful and undignified whatever happens,

Mountainsofmothermadness · 27/02/2017 10:11

Stay off social media - it will only depress you (looks at FB)

SomethingBorrowed · 27/02/2017 10:14

YABU she is talking about her pregnancy and the info she gets while doing research, not attacking you.
Aren't all pregnant women (esp first time) self-centered??

Regarding the asthma remark, I am quite sure I read something similar, so basically she was sharing information that she finds relevant to her pregnancy and the choices she is making/will make.
She never said "you caused your DS's asthma".
I had a c-section myself, I would never take it personally.
To be offended by this might indicate that you have some unresolved issues with how your pregnancy and delivery went.

IamFriedSpam · 27/02/2017 10:17

I also think that if she brings up C-sections in conversation you should let her know that it's wonderful that medical interventions exist which mean the maternal mortality rate is no longer 10%.

IamFriedSpam · 27/02/2017 10:18

I also don't agree that all pregnant women are selfish. Most are excited and do lots of research but we manage to be sensitive to other people at the same time.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2017 10:18

Not everyone who has a natural birth, ends up 'writhing in agony'

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2017 10:20

I'd agree op that this is about her pregnancy it's not all about you. She's just excited it's new to her. I'd maybe try to remember that.💐

MommaGee · 27/02/2017 10:21

I'd just gently challenge her on things like not putting on any weight - unless she's grossly overweight then healthy weight gain is part of a healthy pregnancy but obsessing over not might be indicative of bigger issues for her. Medical interventions, well you don't really get a choice in many cases. However I doubt she's saying she's exercising to spite you and if the doctors told you your lifestyle has impacted on your child's health issues I think you need to concentrate on dealing with that not getting touchy if someone vaguely references in the same direction

MiddleClassProblem · 27/02/2017 10:23

I did barely any research so this definitely isn't and all situation. Not that there are many of them anyway.

IWantATardis · 27/02/2017 10:32

so basically she was sharing information that she finds relevant to her pregnancy and the choices she is making/will make.

Having a c-section isn't necessarily much of a choice though, is it?

I had an emergency c-section with DS3. I could have ignored medical advice, refused the c-section and chosen to continue towards a vaginal birth, yes. If I'd made that choice, I would almost certainly have ended up with a dead baby. There's no real "choosing" to be done between a c-section or a vaginal birth in that kind of scenario.

I am, and was, aware that c-sections are associated with higher risks of the child developing certain conditions. But a small increased chance of DS3 getting asthma or whatever is far better than an almost 100% chance of him having been born dead without the EMCS.

SomethingBorrowed · 27/02/2017 10:33

But how is it insensitive to point out general facts?
If you had a c-section and didn't breastfeed, would you get offended by all the NHS posters/leaflets on how natural births and BF have advantages? Would you take it personally?

BreatheDeep · 27/02/2017 10:36

She sounds annoying and unthinking but I doubt she's saying things on purpose to upset you. And all the 'benefits' of different births etc only show at a population level. It means nothing to individual people. A vaginal birth doesn't mean a child won't have asthma. Perhaps you should point that out next time she drones on.

GoodDayToYou · 27/02/2017 10:44

She sounds a bit boring to me. Maybe anxious. She's probably so full of herself atm she's probably not even thinking about you.
I don't know how WhatsApp works - can you just leave it?

Londonsburningahhhh · 27/02/2017 10:53

I was anxious with my first birth you try to read as much as possible. I would share your experience with her with out scaring her. Talk to her about asthma and about your birth don't feel ashamed of what went on. My 4th pregnancy ended in assisted birth I felt so guilty but if I never done it he would have died. You have to think logically about it and not allow her to get to you.

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/02/2017 14:42

Yabu and finding digs where there simply aren't any. Do you normally get on with your sil?

TiredMumToTwo · 27/02/2017 14:59

I was like this when I was pregnant with my first, now after two kids, one Caesarian, one kid with extensive medical needs... I just nod & smile & hope they're happy - ignorance is bliss!

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