....to expect my dh who has chronic pain to take more responsibility for our dc?

[sharond101]

Dh has chronic back pain which began when I was pregnant with dc1. We now have 2 dc, 4.5yrs old and 20 months. Dh works full time and I work pt. When I go to work my dc go to my Mums even though dh is home one of the days. He manages most routine things but struggles to walk far, bend, lift etc so having the children can be a struggle for him. dc2 isn't a great sleeper and on several occasions the night before I go to work and he is off I've been up 5 or more times through the night with them. He hasn't gotten up. I've explained I feel this unfair but it happened again last night and I tried to speak to him about it and he says he doesn't want to be told how useless he is all the time. I find it really hard carrying the burden of all of the childrens looking after, all of the house and garden stuff and looking after dh. I am the bottom of every pile but always get asked to consider how he is feeling and how bad it is for him. This is a bit of a waffle but it makes me really unhappy.

I have been where you are now. DH has arthritis and his knees are his biggest problem. He tripped over doing DIY when I was pregnant with DC1 causing further damage to his worst knee.

I too felt really resentful doing all the slog when the kids were small. DH had major surgery and was out of action for months while I was dealing with two lively small children. He doesn’t cope well with medication which has made the pain difficult to manage. The pain clinic weren’t helpful either.

Now the DC are older and DH is managing his pain better life has improved so much. I am so proud of DH staying in work. We survived.

I think you should accept that your DH needs a day in bed to himself in order to stay in work. It sounds like it’s his ingratitude that is the hardest thing. Maybe you both need to appreciate each other. Have you ever said you are grateful to him for managing to stay in work despite the pain he is in?

For the PP who said a woman would be expected to get on with it I disagree. I know 3 SAHMs with ME and their DHs work full time, do most of the house work and childcare when not working. The wives had childcare when their DC were pre-school age. None of the DHs appear to resent their wives for it.

This thread is TWO YEARS OLD.

I have chronic pain and hurt on a daily basis. I work part time as I am the higher earner and we need the money, but it takes all my energy to manage it and I am just exhausted when I come home. I do as much as I can but when I flare I literally can't move, which means DH has to do everything. I feel awful about this, but I do at least acknowledge how much he does, which isn't happening in your case. Sometimes I do retreat into myself and get snappy and selfish, but I have to stamp down hard on that part of me because it isn't fair.

We found strategies helped. We outsource as much as possible and I deal with the life admin, like meal planning, which he admits he hates.

There are no easy answers, but I think a doctor visit and maybe looking into a cleaner or other help could make you feel less stressed and put upon

And I missed the date too. Zombie