....to expect my dh who has chronic pain to take more responsibility for our dc?

[sharond101]

Dh has chronic back pain which began when I was pregnant with dc1. We now have 2 dc, 4.5yrs old and 20 months. Dh works full time and I work pt. When I go to work my dc go to my Mums even though dh is home one of the days. He manages most routine things but struggles to walk far, bend, lift etc so having the children can be a struggle for him. dc2 isn't a great sleeper and on several occasions the night before I go to work and he is off I've been up 5 or more times through the night with them. He hasn't gotten up. I've explained I feel this unfair but it happened again last night and I tried to speak to him about it and he says he doesn't want to be told how useless he is all the time. I find it really hard carrying the burden of all of the childrens looking after, all of the house and garden stuff and looking after dh. I am the bottom of every pile but always get asked to consider how he is feeling and how bad it is for him. This is a bit of a waffle but it makes me really unhappy.

Much sympathy op. I'm the one in our house that has chronic illnesses (including back pain that at times has rendered me no use to anyone).

I agree that the first thing to do is talk about things with your dh but I would do the following first:

Make a list of all the jobs (including parenting jobs like reading to/entertaining the children).

Identify which ones you can outsource - cleaning, gardening, ironing (if you bother) maybe even a couple of loads of laundry (towels, bedding etc) to the laundrette each week etc. In situations like yours it's worth doing this wherever possible.

Identify the "thinking" jobs that don't require much physical effort (meal planning and corresponding internet/supermarket delivery shopping, household bills including shopping around for the best deal, etc etc) and provisionally assign them to him.

Look at the rest of the jobs and rank them in order of importance so you know which ones can be ignored at times.

Look at the jobs and identify anyways you can organise the house etc so that he can do these jobs - this might be something like having certain things at waist/eye height so he doesn't need to bend to do them, having child entertaining times watch tv/film etc lying in bed (as a pp suggested), making up a set of outfits for the week all on one hanger (children and adults) so less effort is required there.

In terms of getting up in the night, we're currently there and it's a killer, you have my sympathies. For now, we've admitted defeat and have a bed type arrangement in each child's room so that if they're unsettled we can sleep next to them. That way we can soothe them before they get too upset and we're not physically having to get up and down all night.

Once you've thought through this, talk to him about the jobs. Instead of getting angry tell him that you're struggling and you need to make sure you don't end up with ill health too. Hopefully he'll listen (especially as you're talking through solutions rather than just problems) and you can agree ways to improve things.

Again sending you lots of sympathy - life (especially with small children) is busy enough without feeling like you're picking up all the slack.

It's very difficult. I am disabled and often exhausted (fortunately relatively pain free at the moment). My DH is fantastic and does what I can't, does more than his share.

I agree with the poster who says things will get easier for you as your kids get older and sometimes back conditions improve. Physio and pilates can be a long term game. Has he given them a really good go do you think? Apparently the very vast majority of people who have physio never actually do their exercises at home.

I think the fact that I try keeps my DH feeling positive. However I have had periods of feeling down and letting things go a bit. if your DH could work on improving his mood, then maybe other things would improve.

I have had problems with my back for nearly 11 years now. I've had two surgeries, endless different types of pain relief, physio. And I'm still in so much pain and so bloody tired all the time.

I am on pregablin now, my consultant has tripled my dose and I'm slowly increasing it, meaning I'm more spaced out than usual at the moment.

I struggle massively with doing stuff in the house although today I've managed two loads of washing, cleaned the fridge and gone food shopping albeit very slowly. I am now stopping because I know I've reached my limit.

My kids are older so it's easier but when my back issues started DD1 was 7 and DD2 was 10 months and it was an absolute nightmare trying to cope with a partner who wouldn't help me.

He needs to go back to the GP and see his consultant again. If there is nothing else that can be done he could be referred to a pain clinic to help see if there is anything he can do or take to help him.

I feel for anyone with a bad back, we moved house, lots of lifting, packing etc. got to the new house, woke up in the morning needing the loo. I got two steps to the door the pain was excruciating, took me another ten minutes to cross the landing screaming at every step as I put a foot down, I was determined not to leave a puddle on the carpet, it was a week before the pain eased. In my case when this hits, sitting on the sofa, going to lie in bed is my enemy, I need to keep going or I seize up. I have had a dodgy back since first birth. In this case it was when I stopped rushing around and the new house was organised and I flopped for a well earned rest that the back played up.

It does sound awful to keep moving/standing when it bloody hurts, but it is the only thing that works for me.

There's a huge difference between your back going every now and then and dealing with constant severe pain. That's a big part of why people don't get chronic pain, they can't comprehend it going on forever. Lying down all day isn't great for a bad back but neither is doing something like vacuuming or picking up kids. It's also nothing like depression, but it can cause depression and make it even harder to get motivated. Dealing with a resentful partner who thinks you are lazy is heartbreaking when you are already struggling to function. Sitting down together to discuss a better balance, as pp suggested, is much more likely to get somewhere. I know several people with similar issues and none of them work full time, so he may be pushing himself to his limit just through work, especially if ends up sleeping all day when off. Can this change? Can you go full time so he can be part time and more involved with the kids? He can sit with the kids while they draw or watch TV or play games. He has a disability so needs to consider how adjustments can be made in the home to help him be more involved.

OP, the lack of acknowledgement from your DH is bound to cause resentment. If you've tried repeatedly to address this and explain your feelings when calm and loving I'm not sure how you fix that as a family.

I think that aspect was certainly true for my parents, where the pain sufferer never thanked, apologised or acknowledged in any way. Seeing how that played out hasn't meant I am super careful to appreciate and honour the extra miles my partner has to go for me. Luckily, he thinks I'm worth it still.

PIxie, you have a dh problem.

DH struggles with doing a lot in the house (arthritis), and both of us work full time. The difference is that we talk about what is manageable for him to do and look what he can and can't do around the house / with the kids.

I did most of the night wakings with the kids when they were babies (both breastfed) for example, but now if one of them wakes up and won't go back to sleep, they'll go into bed with DH and I'll nip off to the spare room to get some sleep. We'd both prefer it if DC would go back to their own bed, but that's one of the compromises we made.

What itscurtains says above is pretty much exactly what we did - and it came about mainly because as his arthritis got worse and worse, I took on more and more and got to a point where I was doing everything, and I realised we needed to discuss it before I had a breakdown.

One thing though, even before we sat down and worked it out, DH was always hugely appreciative of everything I did (and still is). I don't think I've ever once cooked dinner (for example) without him thanking me (and making the kids thank me too...). If he weren't, and treated me like your DH I think I'd lose all respect for him.

he doesn't want to be told how useless he is all the time.

He may well be depressed and being told that he is contributing to the OPs unhappiness isnt going to help really. Pain and depression are good bedfellows so OP isnt helping recovery by adding to the depression.

I think some sitting and planning would help. What can DH do and not do? What hurts a little with a quick recovery and what is pointless as recovery takes longer than task. Develop a timetable of tasks where pain and recovery are rated and included. Test it to see where the OPs load can be lightened and have frank discussions about what can and cannot be done. It may be that he cannot get up and OP will have to suck it up but he can then make sure she is not at the bottom of the pile for other things.

At first (as a disabled chronic pain sufferer) I thought you were unreasonable, but now I think this is the most important part here

"dh makes no effort to say thank you or acknowledge my input and how out of balance things are and despite talking about this time and time again it hasn't changed"

Just because people are ill or have pain, doesn't mean they are automatically a good person doing the best they can against the odds!

Having said that, I know my pain makes me, not selfish exactly, but self centred. It can literally be all that occupies my thoughts, I spend lots of time thinking about it and it's also very very easy to feel very very sorry for myself and resentful of others. In addition to the short temper that comes with being in constant pain.

However I recognise this and make the effort not to be a dick, especially to DH who has also had his life altered for the worst and is a good man doing the very best he can. I make sure I tell him that I know how much he does and that he is also affected. I try to take whatever pressure I can off him (he is now the sole earner and does the majority of child care and household stuff). In fact, he calls me his PA (and threw me a works Xmas party ) as there is so much stuff I can do lying down in bed so that he doesn't have to worry about things like paying bills, renewing insurance etc. It's important to me to still contribute in some way and it's important to us both to recognise each other's contributions.

Your DH sounds like he has perhaps fallen into the very easy trap of becoming very self centred and not thinking of you or recognising your contributions. If you have told him repeatedly how you feel and he doesn't change, it might be worth thinking long term what your plans are. If he didn't have this chronic pain, what do you think he would have been like? If he had a tendency to be selfish or lazy (and some of us do ) this will only exacerbate his traits.

Dealing with something like this is hard, I think it either makes or breaks a relationship. DH and I get on extremely well and generally are much closer but there are still times this comes between us (in my case it's doing too much and having a relapse, DH secretly feels I have been irresponsible, I know this and want to be able to make crap decisions like everyone else...)

Do you think you would be able to discuss this perhaps in couples counselling? It might help you both see each other's POV and bring you closer together, if you think he is a good man at heart. If he isn't, then I think I would be assessing thr relationship trying to disregard his illness/pain.

It's not easy. I sympathise.

Yes fred and vegans comments weren't on but it was all about me, nothing to do with me giving a view as a fellow pain sufferer.
Do continue your sarcastic responses though

Your dh should still be thankful and acknowledge all you do though.
I have sympathy, unfortunately none of that worked for me either, neither did the drugs other posters have mentioned. People assume there have to be things that will fix you, but sometimes there aren't!
I can't have interrupted sleep ( the limited i do) as it makes my pain worse.
I can understand him being misersble, it's miserable and exhausting! That doesn't mean he gets to be an arse to you though does he maybe have any mental health problems going on? Little anxiety/depression? It's prevelant with chronic pain suffers.

he gets very down when the pain flares up like this weekend. He has admitted he is all he can think about and thinks if he says "thank you" for things it will seem fake or if he apologises or explains he won't manage something that I will be annoyed so he chooses to not acknowledge it. He has also been very self centred even before the pain and yes, this has really exacerbated it. Tonight I apologised for being annoyed with him over the weekend and said it was difficult for me when it just seems to be expected for me to pick everything up on my own and that it wold help if he acknowledged it. He said very little but agreed he should think about seeing a Dr again.

My dad had chronic pain all his life and only his faith stopped him being depressed . It's miserable and he needs to try and be a weeny but more proactive and I guess he is depressed and has given up

Onwards OP some really great advice here and I agree that if you Point out that it's affecting your health and well being that might jolt him

Chronic illness has an impact on everyone. Your DH needs to acknowledge the impact it has on you and work with you to see if their are "work arounds' that he could manage. For instance, if finances allow you could look into getting a cleaner to reduce your load? Are there things he could do to help that would not exacerbate his pain?

I'm not surprised you are resentful if you are just expected to shoulder the majority of the family responsibility, doing all the work and always feeling bottom of the pile. It's also not sustainable for it to be like this. Your needs do not suddenly disappear because of your DH's illness and if you are pushed to the point of becoming unwell/exhausted yourself, then what happens? Your DH needs to understand this. It's not his fault that he has this illness, of course, but your DH does need to acknowledge the problems you face and work with you to find solutions that are manageable for you both, rather than just thinking about himself (which it sounds a bit like he tends to do).

I agree he should go back to his GP- for instance, has he been to the pain clinic? There are also things like pain management courses which focus on graded exercise and psychological therapy to help cope with chronic illness. There may be limited options, but there may be something that can be done to help.

I am unwell but not in pain so my needs are put to the side. We spoke some time ago about tasks he could do and he took on three tasks he believed he could manage. He did them 3 or three times and then stopped without explanation. He went to psychology but didn't persist after two appointments as he didn't believe it would help. He is against strong pain relief due to side effects he has experienced and hasn't thus gone to the pain clinic as he thinks that's all they will offer.

It sounds like your Dh needs to start taking more responsibility. For instance, the psychological therapy won't help after 2 sessions, it takes time and needs the work put in- or it won't help. The pain clinic don't just offer strong analgesics (although they can do)- and there may be alternative strong painkillers which he can tolerate. He needs to consider other options if this might allow him to make life more manageable for you.

If you are unwell, you need to take care of yourself too. Your DH should want that too. It cannot only be about meeting his needs/prioritising his health. That is not fair or right. If he care about you, he will want to work with you to help make things better.

Depends how bad it is but I would say he needs to do more. I have chronic pain condition (arthritis) which causes me pain daily (all over but area varies) and I manage with DC (although I only have 1 not 2)

I doubt he is faking the tiredness though. Your body works so hard when it has a chronic pain condition and being in pain is physically demanding. I am ALWAYS tired (to the point I struggle to stay awake some days) but I manage to deal with DC

He needs to go to a pain clinic. They don't just offer strong pain killers they offer a whole lot more.

I'm the one in chronic pain in our house. I've had trouble with my back and pelvis for more than 20 years. It's exhausting being in pain. It's lonely, it's isolating, it makes me feel completely useless.

I try to do as much as I can. I don't have to do a great deal now because my children are adults and live away most of the time. DH does things that I can't do, sometimes he moans about it, he wouldn't be human if he didn't. He's in the RAF so there's been times when I've really struggled and my children have had to do far too much.

There's days when I snap at DH and I know I shouldn't. He might make a flippant comment about how he doesn't want to go to work the next day, and I get annoyed because I would love to work so I snap his head off! .

It shouldn't be underestimated how much strain a chronically sick person puts on a relationship but you need to take time for yourself, too. If you are ill you need to get better. He could look after the children for an afternoon while you go for a coffee and a cake. It can't just all be about him. You need some down time too.

Don't feel bad for feeling a bit fed up.

A difficult situation. Pain does make you v tired at times and "appear" to be lazy. I have a chronic health condition and bring up 2 children on my own. I honestly wouldn't want a relationship, because I think most adult men couldn't cope with it. Its hard and there are no easy answers. But if you (1) try and keep up communication (2) work on sharing keeping your spirits up and (3) really share your problems, it might all help. Even being 'heard' (this for both of you) can bring a kind of physical relief.

thisthingcalledlove I could totally have written your post! I also get rolly eyed with dh when he tells me off for doing too much or stops me from doing it inthe first place. The really annoying thing is he's nearly always right and is very good at knowing my limits - much better than me - so I invariably have to admit he was right and I shouldn't have done it.

OP your dh is being a dick about the pain clinic. They are very much not about throwing stronger pain killers at you. Quite the opposite, and they really know their stuff.

Part of the deal with me and dh is that I have to take responsibility for minimising the problems as far as I can. So I do my physio, take meds,see the specialist, grit my teeth for another surgery, get therapy for the depression that goes with it etc.

I appreciate where you're coming from SuperDandy, and glad it worked for you but pain management clinic didn't do much for me. And the side effects of the pain medication were awful and they didn't work for the pain either and I tried several . Surgery and physio of no use in my case, perhaps they would be in OP's case, it depends what his options are.

I'd tell him to see his gp about pain relief. He may not have a reaction to all! There are all different types he could try! Can't say i blame him much about the therapy side, i found it a complete waste of time.

I've had a chronic condition for 7 years and no way would I be able to take a back seat or leave things to DH in the same way that a man can just leave his female partner to get on with things. DH has made it clear that he would never pick up any of the slack!

You have a serious DH problem. Especially your later comment about him suggesting you stop taking medication.

Why do people accept such shit from their partners?

Now I know why, when had surgery several years ago, people thought my DH was some sort of hero for running the house while I recovered. And why they think my friend's husband is some amazing wonder creature for doing "so much" of the parenting and housework when her MS is bad. Stepping up when your partner is sick/struggling is part of the point of having a partner surely? To work as a team to get through the problem. Not to shrug shoulders and say "that's your job".

My DH has chronic pain which flares up and down (11 years now). I also feel bottom of the pile - it's difficult to avoid resentment. Feeling trapped is the worst - everything is always on DH terms, or adapted to suit him. It all seems beyond my control, it's hard to make plans for the kind of life I would like. Most of all I miss the fun, spontaneity, carefree times that friends are having. Chronic pain makes my DH emotionally distant, which I understand but can be really lonely. I feel guilty for also disassociating, sometimes think I need a compassion transplant. Not sure where to go from here. Maybe we should make a support thread?

I’ve lived with chronic pain for 30+ years and I can see two sides here. On the one hand, from his POV chronic pain can (as other people have pointed out) can have a very tiring effect. Another aspect is the constant background of pain can result in depression or irritation such that the sufferer may be down or snappy; this could also manifest as self-centredness or selfishness.

Which brings me to the other hand; he strikes me as possibly having acted selfishly by not exploring alternatives. He says he gets bad side effects from stronger painkillers but in my experience those effect wear off after a short while. Although mine isn’t back pain, I’ve known people suffering from chronic back pain to benefit from other medications than painkillers (his GP should be able to suggest, also he can do his own research online and ask his GP if something is appropriate.

And - again, as someone already posted above - a specialist pain clinic would have other things to offer than just painkillers.

I assume and hope you are sympathetic to his condition, but I also think you should gently suggest he explores other alternatives, as it sounds to me he’s being rather intransigent and not considering the effects his condition is having upon you.