....to expect my dh who has chronic pain to take more responsibility for our dc?

[sharond101]

Dh has chronic back pain which began when I was pregnant with dc1. We now have 2 dc, 4.5yrs old and 20 months. Dh works full time and I work pt. When I go to work my dc go to my Mums even though dh is home one of the days. He manages most routine things but struggles to walk far, bend, lift etc so having the children can be a struggle for him. dc2 isn't a great sleeper and on several occasions the night before I go to work and he is off I've been up 5 or more times through the night with them. He hasn't gotten up. I've explained I feel this unfair but it happened again last night and I tried to speak to him about it and he says he doesn't want to be told how useless he is all the time. I find it really hard carrying the burden of all of the childrens looking after, all of the house and garden stuff and looking after dh. I am the bottom of every pile but always get asked to consider how he is feeling and how bad it is for him. This is a bit of a waffle but it makes me really unhappy.

Freddorika vegan so what do you suppose they do if he stops working? Im exhausted when im not working, it takes everything out of me. It doesn't mean im faking it which sounds like what you are implying

Tricky. I'm the chronic pain person in our house, but I can see both sides.

Here, we choose to limit my responsibilities so that I can have some semblance of a social life and pleasure. We do this so that I stay sane and nice to be around. If we spend all my resources on duty stuff it is bad for all of us and counter productive.

We spend money on getting household help. Say no to as much as we can. Make sure each of us gets to do something fun regularly,even at the expense of household stuff being less than ideal. We live on less money so that I'm not using up everything I've got on working and my partner gets some free time too because I then have more energy for home stuff.

It can be done, but I know that I am very much reliant on my partner being clear headed and not resentful. We look out for each other, but there are many times when I can't do a thing about it and am completely out of circulation in house stuff.

My dad had chronic pain, and my mother resented him for it. It's a horrible horrible dynamic to grow up with. As an adult I hated the way she ran him down and behaved as though he was making it up and was being lazy.

Freddorika vegan so what do you suppose they do if he stops working? Im exhausted when im not working, it takes everything out of me. It doesn't mean im faking it which sounds like what you are implying hmm

Apologies but my comments weren't about you kali110 do feel free to make it about you if you wish

I agree with PP that any extra time money and energy should be spent on treatment to alleviate if at all possible.

Disclaimer: I have no idea exactly what kind of back problems the OPs Dh has, so unsure if it can be alleviated in any way.

I have a very bad back, numerous surgeries and currently unable to work (no benefits) But I do a lot in our house until I get to a point where I can't. So last night for example my youngest wanted carrying upstairs and I had to get my husband to carry him. The things with backs is that often you can do a lot but
One thing will send you over the edge. I hate getting up in the night as that is my recovery time. But sometimes I have to. I am sure people look at me and think there is nothing wrong. But there really is. You need to talk o your husband about what you can do to alleviate the pressure on you. You may find he steps up or comes up with workable suggestions for outside help. Sometimes I'm a bit
Lazy but the reason for that
Laziness is the pain. He needs to be doing Pilates and taking responsibility for his condition. I would be annoyed if he is just sitting down
Moaning!

OP I can guarantee you that your DH would happily swap places with you, to be pain free and mobile so he can hop out of bed or wiz round the house with the vacuum. Thinking he's lazy won't help, he may well be able to do more but the best approach is supportive rather than resentful.

I ended up with chronic back pain after my second pregnancy. Eventually had surgery but spent a few years getting fobbed off by HCPs. I was a SAHM so it was bloody tough and I didn't have a mum to drop them off with so got on with it. DH did have to pick up slack when home. I lost friends because I couldn't cope with going to the park and they weren't prepared to make adjustments. After surgery sitting was much less painful so I have been able to manage part time work, a day at work is much much easier/less painful than school runs or looking after the kids and filling the dishwasher, tidying toys and hanging up washing. If I wake at night I often end up awake for hours due to the pain. If DH wakes he's back to sleep before his head hits the pillow so he's does most wake ups. I manage all the paper work, finances and home improvements/repairs. It's not fair or equal but we are playing to our strengths, if I left DH would notice how much I did. And as working is easier than housework we can use the money to pay for cleaners/gardeners/better household appliances. I'm thinking how to design a new kitchen to make it easier to manage cooking and cleaning with my disability.

I recommend a pain management course to help your DH consider what he wants to be able to do and plan the steps to make it happen. Medication, injections, surgery, Physio won't fix it but he can figure out how best to manage his own pain.

Chronic pain is grim but like everything there are levels.
Your h works ft whilst in chronic pain but you would like him to look after your kids on a 'rest' day instead of your mum?
I don't see the point of this at all.

I get that you feel overwhelmed and overworked. Try sorting that part out. A cleaner. Lower your standards whilst the smallest is small etc.

Ensure your h tortures the gp until he gets the testing, meds and help he needs to cope with the underlying reason for the chronic pain.
Chronic pain shortens life span and can make those suffering feel utterly dreadful in terms of guilt at their inability to help or do 'normal' things.

Maybe you could seek some therapy together to speak about what you both really feel and get a plan of action together on how to move forward positively

The comments here from vegan and fredd are shocking.
So it came on when op was pg? so? Dh developed diabetes, at the birth of ds1. How inconsiderate. Why couldn't he have waited? Are you for real?
No, not this week please. let the disease/disability start at a more convenient time?

A bit of sympathy and empathy might not go a miss. Or else why don't you just LTB and let him cope on his own with his 'supposed' pain?

Look at ways his pain can be managed, get some more specialised advice, look at your strengths and his. he could do the finances and admin bits, whilst sat at home, if that eases things for you. Sitting at work is a lot easier than looking after two young ones!!

Or is the above advice pointless? You sound resentful and that you don't really believe he's in that much pain. If you really feel that way, about HIM, a real lack of respect, if we are being honest, then isn't your marriage over already?

I have a health condition since birth. Not awful, but has its affects. Dh has several conditions, from later life. If I found out he felt the way about me that you feel about your dh, it would crush me inside.

"The comments here from vegan and fredd are shocking."

what comment??

ah that I have less sympathy if he is working?

Well, without knowing the extent of the injury it is hard to judge

honestly people should stop reading their own issues in to this very specific request

the OP is fed up and I can see why

The thing about back pain is a lot of people tend to assume your faking a bit or putting it on but what people don't understand is not only is there the pain to deal with but also the fear of not knowing what will be the thing that throws it out again.
For me it was once bending over to pick up a pen at work, I was off sick for 4 weeks. You get to the point where you have to take a risk assessment for even simple things like unloading the washing machine.

The bit about being less sympathetic if he works full time freddorika id imagine. So he's managing chronic pain AND full time work, but that's bad?? What?
I have chronic pain/fatigue and am a full time student. After a week at uni I often spend the entire weekend asleep. Its the only way I cope.

You need to consider his pain and how it limits him - but he should consider your feelings. A bit of consideration goes a long way.
I manage disability and chronic pain. I never forget to say thank you.

I wonder if it was a man posting on here saying his wife has a chronic back condition and can't do much parenting whether the replies would be as sympathetic towards his wife as they are to the OP's husband? As in, awww bless him poor bloke just let him do whatever he can.

Women never get the option to opt out of anything family or child related, health issues or not. Ever.

And I do feel for you OP. exhaustion is a real problem for the partners of people with CP/CF, so I'm not minimising it it. But I think you need to reassess how you view him.

My DH has chronic pain from back problems that also started when I was pregnant with one of ours. He also has continued to hold down a high-level full-time job. He has coping strategies in place for work, he hides it a lot and when he's home, that's the place where he can finally stop, give in and show how much it hurts. I don't find it at all suspicious. I've stood over him enough times lying on the floor crying with pain to know he's not faking it.
Anyway, when ours were young, he also didn't do any nighttimes for two reasons. Firstly there was no point as he couldn't lift them out of a cot anyway, secondly he took sleeping pills to try and get through the night, if he was disturbed he'd be very groggy.
It was an absolute killer having to do it all myself, plus nurse DH through various ops. In hindsight, i wish I had bought in as much help as possible. At the time it was very much, head down and get through it.
I did want to say though that things do get very much easier as the children get older and less physically demanding. The pain is still there but there are fewer requirements for bending down.

Has he been referred to a pain clinic? That was really helpful in terms of accepting a life with chronic pain and figuring out coping mechanisms.

Pixie. Well as a woman myself, I've had to rely on my ex far more than I'd like. Its not opting out, its doing what I have to to survive and manage day to day life.

I've had a chronic condition for 7 years and no way would I be able to take a back seat or leave things to DH in the same way that a man can just leave his female partner to get on with things. DH has made it clear that he would never pick up any of the slack!

DH has made it clear that he would never pick up any of the slack!
That's a DH problem you have there then Pixie. I now have a chronic condition too and despite the pain my DH is in, if I'm having a bad day he just gets on with whatever needs doing. We're a partnership, that's how it should be.

Yes it probably is a DH problem Okite!

DH's main concern and suggestion has been that I stop taking my main medication as it makes me too tired to do much in the evenings so I struggle to get the kids ready for bed and everything ready for the next day by myself!

pixie I'm sorry that has happened in your relationship but "taking a back seat" is a really shitty way to refer to someone who can't do as much with the children as I'm sure they'd like because of health issues.

Men can and do step up when their wives are ill. When I had CFS my dh did everything around the house. Many friends with similar health issues rely on their partners to do the lions share of housework, night get ups, cooking etc. Not all men are like your dh.

DH's main concern and suggestion has been that I stop taking my main medication as it makes me too tired to do much in the evenings so I struggle to get the kids ready for bed and everything ready for the next day by myself!
That's really shocking! Really really awful. He sounds like a prick. Sorry you are having to deal with this

These are not easy issues. One reason I divorced my ex was his depression (he didn't accept he had it and sought no treatment and would not change) and behaviour. We are all better off without him and the children much happier. I hope he's happier too and he's remarried.

Remember the new advice on some backpain - that people carry on. It's brand new advice. It's been all over the newspapers www.spine-health.com/blog/bed-rest-not-always-best-bet-beating-back-pain limit bed rest. So he may not like it but the new advice might be he shoudl be gettnig up 5 times in the night and perhaps sleeping in the children's room the nights before you work and getting up with the babies.

I wonder if part of the solution would be if you went back to full time work so you gained that superiority and power higher earners have in marriages and then he might be less likely to treat you as playing second fiddle to his important full time job! I earned 10x my ex husband and you can bet your bottom dollar I wasn't having to do any more than him at home. Money talks.

When it comes to working full time, it really depends on the job. My DH has ongoing health issues (though not back pain), and has a sedentary job. He is often well enough to go to work, but wouldn't be able to keep DD safe (especially when she was a toddler). He doesn't have to run or lift at work (and there have been days when walking 20m is all he can do), so he's more capable of that than house work or child care. At the moment I work very part time, but it would make more sense for us to pay for help round at home than for him to do more physical work.

Some very mixed opinions. To answer some questions dh sleeps when m parents have the children. He deals with all the finances. He has no treatment plan. Had surgery 3 years ago and saw limited improvement. Reacts badly to pain relief and so survives on ibuprofen. Tried physio, deep tissue massage, acupuncture, tens and osteopathy with no effect. I am resentful, I now that and wish I could be more understanding but on the other hand dh makes no effort to say thank you or acknowledge my input and how out of balance things are and despite talking about this time and time again it hasn't changed which makes me feel like a carer/cleaner/cook etc, and not a wife.