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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really upset with DH? Do I need a reality check?

66 replies

BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 16:43

Last night I asked DH if I could borrow his phone to look something up on Google (mine was totally flat). When I went to open a new tab, and it displayed the other tabs he had open. They were all porn.
I looked at him and said "If you're going to watch porn, be smart enough to close the tabs before letting your wife use the browser on your phone". He'd obviously forgotten, he looked mortified and snatched the phone off me.
I've caught him doing it before, a few years ago. I told him then that although I don't really care if he wants to masturbate, I'd really rather he didn't watch that sort of stuff when me or the kids could walk in on it. It makes me really uncomfortable.
To be honest, I am really upset with him. I feel quite betrayed- that he's been watching other women and getting off on it. I can barely look at him today.
And I really don't know what to do about it.
AIBU to feel so upset?

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 26/02/2017 16:44

Not you're not unreasonable. I'd feel the same as you, just less reasonable about it.

Crunchymum · 26/02/2017 16:46

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2864582-4yo-child-accidentally-saw-porn-today-how-bad-is-this

Get your husband to have a read of this.

ElvishArchdruid · 26/02/2017 16:47

I don't agree with porn but I doubt my views will make much of a difference to your DH.

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2017 16:48

Well if you have never said "please do not watch porn" (at all) then i think YABU. Sometimes i watch porn and ive only gone on one site. As soon as you click anything theres auto pop ups which open new tabs. So ok maybe multiple tabs was a bit much but possibly not his doing. Not being able to look at him is an overreaction imo.

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2017 16:50

You told him you were ok with him watching it. Why would you say that If, actually, you're not?

BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 16:53

I felt sick when I saw it. If I ever found out that either of the kids had discovered it I'd hit the damn roof. We'd be swimming in divorce territory.
He doesn't seem to give a shit. No apology, no remorse. He said it's partly on me because we haven't had enough sex recently (as an aside, I've got a Bartholin's cyst that I'm just starting to get over so it's the last thing I've felt like lately). I would also like to point out that the children were in bed when this discussion took place
It's his stinking attitude about it that gets me as much as anything!
I really feel betrayed, hurt, a bit disgusted. I know plenty of people don't mind porn, I find it all a bit exploitative myself.
I can hardly look at him.

OP posts:
BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 16:54

Yes, in the past I have asked him explicitly not to watch porn.

OP posts:
BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 16:55

Barbarian I told him that I don't care if he masturbates in private, he knows how I feel about porn. Sorry if that wasn't clear in the OP.

OP posts:
user1486499646 · 26/02/2017 16:55

I dont agree with it atall if i caught mine id go ballistic and he knows that but everyone is diffrent some people dont mind exspecially if sex with each other has dissaeared

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2017 17:02

Any more to drip feed?

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2017 17:04

I told him that I don't care if he masturbates in private
And he did, didnt he? So im still not sure the issue?

Familyof3or4 · 26/02/2017 17:20

I think yabu

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/02/2017 17:21

Whisky yeah it's been such a trial to read like 5 posts hasn't it? Jeez...

Anyway OP this is such a personal thing, in the sense that some people can't stand it and see it as a full blown betrayal, and other people aren't bothered by it. I'm in the "not bothered" category.

Although I would most definitely not be happy with the tabs being left open if it meant there was a chance it could be seen by someone else. That would be an issue for me. But I wouldn't see it as any kind of betrayal.

I don't think YABU though - you just feel how you feel. No one can change your mind on that.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/02/2017 17:23

I told him that I don't care if he masturbates in private

It would be unreasonable to think you have control over what someone else does with their own body, IMO. Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have control over stuff like that, or even a say in it, because you don't.

NewPuppyMum · 26/02/2017 17:24

It's not at all on you that he watched porn because you haven't had sex with him for a bit. What a twat.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/02/2017 17:26

I agree the comment about him doing it because of lack of sex is utterly pathetic and horrible. That is a definite issue.

Vegansnake · 26/02/2017 17:29

i would hate to find that on my dh phone op,you have my sympathy as it would force me to confront something I would rather not know,,as it's none of my business,personally I think It should be banned I think it corrupts society.but that's just me...I assume most of the women must be forced in to it in some way..and any that choose to do it..well I use the word choose loosely ,perhaps they have low self esteem and can't think of anything else they could do...

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2017 17:29

We need all the info to comment dont we? Otherwise its a waste of time.

MrsMcMoo · 26/02/2017 17:37

It's his phone. I think it's pretty controlling tbh. I don't happen to like porn, but I'd be pissed off if anyone told me off for watching something perfectly legal.

ChipmunkSundays · 26/02/2017 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sibys1 · 26/02/2017 20:39

The starting point for me is that the vast majority of men, and a significant portion of women, watch porn. Watching porn is fairly normal behaviour, especially in men.

Obviously 'everyone does it' does not mean it's automatically okay. As you say, porn is often very exploitative.

But porn is not the only mainstream industry that is very exploitative. A lot of retail industries are pretty awful when it comes to child labour and sweat shop work, as well as a wealth of other unsavoury practices. The obvious example is cheap clothing retailers like Primark, but they're far from the only culprit. If your main issue with porn is that it's exploitative, do you always make sure that other products you consume are ethically-sourced? If not, I think there's a degree of hypocrisy.

I would add, however, that porn can have a very damaging affect on its viewers and their relationships (in much the same way that consuming alcohol can be). Some people will be affected fairly minimally, but it can absolutely cause problems in people's sex lives. I'm not sure if that's happened in your relationship at all.

For me, based on your posts, the biggest issue is that your husband appears to have blamed you for him watching porn (but that depends on what was actually said, whether he specifically blamed you or said that he was watching it because of a lack of sex at the moment).

It's really up to you how you feel. What I've tried to do above is put it in perspective, so far as I see it, but obviously you are perfectly entitled to your own views and feelings.

RebelRogue · 26/02/2017 20:50

Well both the comments you said to him in your OP actually say "if you watch porn I don't want to know about it". If you actually specifically stated no porn as per your update i can see why you are upset.
Many people enjoy porn,many people dislike porn...it's irrelevant to how you feel about it and how your husband should react to those feelings.
It might be just me,but i get the feeling there's more issues in your marriage than just the porn?

sibys1 · 26/02/2017 20:51

Sorry, would just like to add that, just because other industries are shit, doesn't mean that people shouldn't have issues with the porn industry (it's preferable if there are no exploitative industries) just that I wouldn't necessarily judge an individual porn consumer more harshly than an individual Primark shopper.

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2017 20:57

I told him that I don't care if he masturbates in private

gtyrfctsrght · 26/02/2017 20:57

YABU

As long as the porn is of people over the age of consent in the country it was filmed in then his business if he wants to watch it. Let the poor bloke have a wank!

On the other hand, he needs to make sure he's watching it on private and it's closed if he's leaving his phone where the kids can get into it. Still, if he's doing that then I don't see the issue sorry!