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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset with DH? Do I need a reality check?

66 replies

BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 16:43

Last night I asked DH if I could borrow his phone to look something up on Google (mine was totally flat). When I went to open a new tab, and it displayed the other tabs he had open. They were all porn.
I looked at him and said "If you're going to watch porn, be smart enough to close the tabs before letting your wife use the browser on your phone". He'd obviously forgotten, he looked mortified and snatched the phone off me.
I've caught him doing it before, a few years ago. I told him then that although I don't really care if he wants to masturbate, I'd really rather he didn't watch that sort of stuff when me or the kids could walk in on it. It makes me really uncomfortable.
To be honest, I am really upset with him. I feel quite betrayed- that he's been watching other women and getting off on it. I can barely look at him today.
And I really don't know what to do about it.
AIBU to feel so upset?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2017 23:14

Indeed Charley, I've yet to see a thread on Valentine's day or Mother's day, where the OP is desperately upset that the flowers bought by her DH were not fair trade.

That's despite all the underpaid, overworked foreign flower pickers who suffer terrible illness and death, due to the pesticides and other chemicals.

Not that I think anyone should be forced into being happy with their partner watching porn, but the exploitative angle is rarely applied to other industries.

BakeOffBiscuits · 26/02/2017 23:15

"I object to porn because of its exploitation of the participants. I would find it unacceptable if my OH was crass enough not to care about these people and to be part of the attitude that perpetuates this"

Same here, I wouldnt be with a man who thought this stuff was ok. I'm not sure how anyone can get off on watching people having sex, when you don't know if those people actually want to be there.

BakeOffBiscuits · 26/02/2017 23:17

"but the exploitative angle is rarely applied to other industries"

And how do you know that?

Charley50 · 26/02/2017 23:20

Unless it's on a thread about drugs Worra! That wasn't my point though; someone mentioned Primark being exploitative; I'm pretty sure that Monsoon and White Stuff are just as bad. (Actually I read somewhere that H&M and M&S are better ethically).

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2017 23:21

I was talking about on Mumsnet BakeOff and I know it because as I said, I've yet to see an OP upset on Valentine's or Mother's day, that the flowers bought for her were not fair trade.

Mistressiggi · 26/02/2017 23:22

It's odd that some posters think if it's legal it's ok, if it's your own body it's ok. They would not I assume be chilled about their dh sleeping around, although this is perfectly legal and involves his own body.
Not all men use porn. If you wouldn't want to be with someone who does, you have the right to look for a different man.

sibys1 · 26/02/2017 23:26

Charley - Primark has previously topped lists of the least ethical high street stores in terms of sourcing of their products, but they have improved a bit.

But part of the problem is that cheaper stores, like Primark, need to source their products as cheaply as possible, which keeps wages of workers low.

WannaBe · 26/02/2017 23:27

People are seriously comparing watching porn to wearing a top from primark? Really?

It's very simple. Anyone's opinions of whether porn is acceptable within their relationship is their business. if they and their partner can't agree on it then that too is their business.

However leaving all your porn tabs open on a phone is just bloody crass especially if you're going to lend said phone to your wife and kids. And let's hope that the bloke doesn't end in hospital unexpectedly and the paramedics need to access his phone to call next of kin...

And really, nobody needs sex that badly that they have multiple porn tabs open on their phone during the day while the kids are up and the family is all around.

All of that aside, how on earth does anyone get turned on by watching people having sex on a phone screen which is most likely smaller than his own penis? How desperate do you have to be.....

BakeOffBiscuits · 26/02/2017 23:28

I do think telling someone they can't be upset about porn use, because they don't get upset by exploitation in other industries, is just daft.

It reminds me of when meateaters come on a thread and start berating vegetarians because they eat aren't Vegans.

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2017 23:30

I do think telling someone they can't be upset about porn use, because they don't get upset by exploitation in other industries, is just daft.

Me too, BakeOff, me too.

Which is why my post said, Not that I think anyone should be forced into being happy with their partner watching porn, but the exploitative angle is rarely applied to other industries.

BakeOffBiscuits · 26/02/2017 23:34

I agree with your post wannabe you said it much better than me.

sibys1 · 26/02/2017 23:46

I do think telling someone they can't be upset about porn use, because they don't get upset by exploitation in other industries, is just daft.
I raised the point about exploitation in other industries, but added the caveat (bottom of the first page) that it doesn't mean that porn industry is okay, but I think if people are going to focus on how exploitative porn is, whilst unthinkingly supporting (or simply not caring about) other awful instances of exploitation, that's a bit hypocritical.

Original poster

BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 23:49

What gets me is that he's lied to me, and blamed me for not having sex with him when he knows that for the last couple of weeks I've had an abscess in a place where you really don't want to have an abscess (not that there's a good place to have one!)
and have been in bloody agony and generally felt like crap.
I don't like the porn industry, he knows this. I've previously asked him not to watch it.
I've never had him 'seek permission' to have a wank, I definitely don't control him. I just don't want porn in my house, that is the only thing.
I especially don't want there to be a risk of one of my kids, myself, or anyone else using his phone and discovering videos of people shagging!

OP posts:

BraveDancing · 26/02/2017 23:58

Eh. I've got friends who have worked in the porn industry and have said that for them it was a considerably better gig than working in a warehouse. I've not done porn. I have danced (strip tease stuff) and if you asked me whether I'd rather take my clothes off for money or work in an Amazon warehouse again, I'd have my knickers hurtling across the room before you could finish the sentence.

But that isn't really the point. Personally, I do watch porn (if you're worried about the ethics, then check out the ethical porn sites - kink.com is particularly well known for being very positive about their performers wellbeing, if you're into bondage stuff) and I do use my phone to do so. If my OH decreed I was not to watch porn or masturbate, I'd consider myself to be within my rights to say "OK, I can do that" or to say "I'm not comfortable with that boundary" and my OH would then get to decide whether they were willing to continue with the relationship under those conditions or not.

I don't think the OP's DH has done anything wrong in watching porn for masturbatory purposes on his phone. If he's breaking an agreed boundary and lying about it, that's a bit crap, whether the agreed boundary is 'don't wank' or 'don't eat steak on Fridays' or 'please never go to our favourite restaurant without me'. And the OP gets to decide how major a fuck up she feels he's made. It's a very very personal choice, however.

sibys1 · 26/02/2017 23:58

Yes, because I'm sure that women being promised the earth, fame and fortune as a porn star when actually they're forced to have sex on camera for a pittence is the same as stitching t-shirts in a factry. How naive of us to think that it was any different.
I feel like you might be underplaying the significance of child labour, unsafe working conditions leading to deaths, slavery and routine use of rape in some sweatshops...

Patriciathestripper1 · 27/02/2017 21:19

Just for the record I know several girls who work in the porn industry. Some who have been doing it for years and some who are just starting out.
It dosnt suit everyone but let me clear up that the girls do not make a pittance and consistently out earn the guys.
Yes there is exploitation but that's in any job.
And men do watch way more porn than women as almost the entire industry is aimed at men.

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