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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with DH? Do I need a reality check?

66 replies

BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 16:43

Last night I asked DH if I could borrow his phone to look something up on Google (mine was totally flat). When I went to open a new tab, and it displayed the other tabs he had open. They were all porn.
I looked at him and said "If you're going to watch porn, be smart enough to close the tabs before letting your wife use the browser on your phone". He'd obviously forgotten, he looked mortified and snatched the phone off me.
I've caught him doing it before, a few years ago. I told him then that although I don't really care if he wants to masturbate, I'd really rather he didn't watch that sort of stuff when me or the kids could walk in on it. It makes me really uncomfortable.
To be honest, I am really upset with him. I feel quite betrayed- that he's been watching other women and getting off on it. I can barely look at him today.
And I really don't know what to do about it.
AIBU to feel so upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 21:11

Thanks for helping me to put it into perspective everyone. I can accept that IABU. I'll work on getting past it.

OP posts:
lemondropcake · 26/02/2017 21:12

Yanbu I would feel the same as you.
you need to tell him it makes you feel shit and uncomfortable and that its a deal breaker if he can't respect your feelings.
he probably won't stop watching it though and you won't be able to trust him on his phone again.

troodiedoo · 26/02/2017 21:13

It's not nice to be reminded of your partner's porn usage, and not nice for him to have his 'dirty habit' discovered. So you are upset and he's on the defensive (also about you being technically wiser than him), which doesn't excuse blaming it on you.

My guess is that he'll apologise when he's finished feeling sorry for himself. Stress the importance of private browsing and deleting all tabs in future though.

SumAndSubstance · 26/02/2017 21:17

The starting point for me is that the vast majority of men, and a significant portion of women, watch porn. Watching porn is fairly normal behaviour, especially in men.

Statistical evidence?

Voice0fReason · 26/02/2017 21:19

I told him then that although I don't really care if he wants to masturbate, I'd really rather he didn't watch that sort of stuff when me or the kids could walk in on it.

in the past I have asked him explicitly not to watch porn.

So which is it? Either you don't mind him watching it as long as you don't know about it, or you have told him not to.
Have you ever walked in on him masturbating? And would whether he was watching porn at the time really make any difference to that? Surely he just needs to masturbate in private - as most people do!

To be honest it does sound like there are other problems you are having.
You need to be clear on whether porn is acceptable to you or not and you need to give him room to be honest as to whether he is willing to comply with your change in position.

StarryIllusion · 26/02/2017 21:24

Look I don't want to sound nasty but he is a grown adult. You have zero control or say over what he watches or what he wanks to. He can watch what he wants, it isn't illegal and he shouldn't have to explain himself to you like a 14 year old boy caught by his mum. As for the kids seeing it, well they won't will they? Do they routinely go through your phones?

RebelRogue · 26/02/2017 21:26

Starry all that is true,but she has control over wether this is a deal breaker and if she wants to be with someone who watches porn and wanks to it.

GabsAlot · 26/02/2017 21:32

wouldnt bother me as long as he ha a lock on the phone so kids cant see it

creepymumweirdo · 26/02/2017 21:37

Am I the only person wonder what kind of porn?

Porn doesn't do it for me, I have issues with it, but some is more palatable than others. Some porn that is considered acceptable by a significant number of people would be a red line for me.

StarryIllusion · 26/02/2017 21:49

If it's a deal breaker then you'd leave. She shouldn't be treating him as though he has done something abhorrent. It's people having sex not videos of children being abused ffs. Not being able to look at him is ridiculous.

creepymumweirdo · 26/02/2017 21:51

Starry I think this shows you to be naive about the breadth of the porn industry.

StarryIllusion · 26/02/2017 22:22

Did the OP ever once state that it was anything other than your run of the mill amateur porn that you see on the likes of pornhub/xtube etc? If so I would be a little more understanding but really? Betrayed? Over a bit of wanking to porn? Sorry, that wouldn't even register on my radar of things to feel betrayed about.

Original poster
BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 22:24

creepy it was under a category called 'Granny Porn' Hmm
The first tab was a video of two older men and an older woman. From what I saw on the titles of the other tabs, they were similar in content.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoopTheSnoot · 26/02/2017 22:26

And I should explain- the reason I feel betrayed is because he's been getting off on videos of other women having sex.
However, as I've stated, the general consensus is that I am BU, and I will accept that. If I couldn't accept it, I wouldn't have posted here. I appreciate all of your opinions Smile

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 26/02/2017 22:32

I thought most people watched porn from time to time?
I know my Dh does and so do I.

We very rarely watch it together and we have a very active sex life.
We always make sure to delete it from the history so it dosnt pop up by accident no pun intended

JHMJHM · 26/02/2017 22:43

YANBU- you will invariably get the 'porn is fine' answers. However, it is like any 'secret' addiction- it can get massively out of hand and become an obsession really quickly. It can occupy time and energy in an unhealthy, manic way and start to skew normal perceptions and realities.

Im not anti porn really- but neither do I subscribe to the fact that its all ok for us all to be able to flick up hugely stimulating and powerful sexual shit on our phones 24/7.

angeldelightedme · 26/02/2017 22:46

YABU and controlling

Cheby · 26/02/2017 22:48

YABU I think. I think watching porn is pretty common. DH and I have gone for v long periods without sex following birth complications and I've had zero issue with him watching porn (he's discrete about it but I'm 99% sure he does, we have talked about it in the past). He has been super patient with me re sex after having a baby and suffering trauma. I've never felt in the least bit pressured, but he still had a sex drive even when mine was through the floor and it's totally normal to want to act on it I think.

Maybe suggest your DH uses the private browsing function?!

Blossomdeary · 26/02/2017 22:53

I object to porn because of its exploitation of the participants. I would find it unacceptable if my OH was crass enough not to care about these people and to be part of the attitude that perpetuates this.

Mingewithafringe · 26/02/2017 22:53

I think I'd prefer my DH getting off on some unattainable big boobed blow up doll in a porno rather than surfing the net for escorts or prostitutes. I'd be grateful.
Seriously; do women actually think that their partners don't watch porn?

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2017 22:54

How's it a "secret addiction" she's not said anything to indicate he is addicted to porn. Most blokes watch porn occassionally whether their wives or partners know or not. As do many females. Doesn't make it some time consuming secret addiction that risks turning into a manic obsession, that's going too far, 🙄🙄🙄

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2017 22:55

.Seriously; do women actually think that their partners don't watch porn?

AntiHop · 26/02/2017 22:58

Yanbu. The porn industry is exploitative. I wouldn't find it acceptable for my dp to watch porn. He never watches porn.

And you don't owe him sex.

Charley50 · 26/02/2017 22:59

Sorry to go off topic, but are conditions for workers, in factories that make 'higher end' clothes than Primark, any better?

HexicanMix · 26/02/2017 23:09

Strange people on here tonight. "Everyone watches porn"? They do? On their phones too? Beyond bizarre.

Don't let people pah-pah you with everybody does it and you're being uptight OP. I think you have every right to be upset. But if your partner openly agrees with porn and you have such different views about it, I am not sure what you can do Flowers

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