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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About getting a puppy?

98 replies

FabulousUsername · 25/02/2017 16:02

DH has agreed to buy an adorable puppy. I have said that at this time I don't feel I can commit the time and energy that a puppy needs. He won't hear me on this...we both work more or less full time.

My heart heaves when I think of bringing an innocent animal into this antagonistic relationship. I think he thinks when I see it I will go part time at work to look after it. He won't discuss logistics. I'm saying, just don't get one now. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
FabulousUsername · 09/03/2017 14:02

Update...I think he's getting the puppy soon. He's flexible at work and not much on now so he can take time off. But I'm so hurt by what has gone on I feel I can't forgive him. He's been so rude to me, shouted that he could get puppy and had planned it and that I'm a vile B+++ for not wanting one... But he wouldn't listen when I said it wasn't the puppy, it was getting one right now. Also this which I didn't mention before, we are supposed to be on holiday for a week at the end of the month. He won't tell me who would look after the puppy but I suspect he's got someone lined up. I thought the puppy would still be getting used to new surroundings.

He will not speak to me one bit about his plans for the puppy. I asked if he was going to get a crate and he said no, he doesn't believe in them, like he's knowledgeable?. I saw on our Amazon account that he's bought some things but I don't dare mention...He either blanks me or shouts!

Is this a nightmare or am I making it too complicated? I've started counseling because of this, early days but I think I want to end the relationship as quietly as possible. I don't feel I can just walk away right now. Hopefully he'll get pup and move into other house with washable floors but I've no idea what he is thinking so I'm constantly obsessing.

OP posts:
NootNoot · 09/03/2017 14:09

I hate owners like your DH.
I love owners like you.

NO NO NO NO & NO. WE. ARE. NOT. GETTING. A. DOG

Fluffy & cute is great, who's going to train it/socialize it/bond with it whilst he's at work? The dog sitter?- then what's the point in HIM having a dog if the dog sitter is mummy/daddy.

My OH desperately wants a dog- he works outside all day & has a job where a dog could tag along. I'm a vet. We do NOT have the time to commit to training a dog into a sociable & responsible being and fulfilling all of it's mental needs. We have a cat. Cat's are the best & our cat gives us side-eye when we leave for work, stretches & climbs under the duvet muttering "losers" under his breath!

Wolfiefan · 09/03/2017 14:13

So you have no say over a major decision?
He possibly lies or at least refuses to share information (eg about holiday care)
He calls you names when he is being unreasonable.
He shouts at you and blanks you.
He is an abusive arsehole. Poor puppy. Counselling won't magically change him. Yy to end the relationship.
I'm sorry OP. I actually think the pup is the least of the problems here.

NootNoot · 09/03/2017 14:14

My post X posted with your update.
Seriously- your DH has shit fits when you don't do as your told??? How the hell will he cope with a puppy when it doens't understand? He going to start shouting at it too (or worse)?
Get yourself gone from there OP x- and if you are in W/SW London feel free to send your "D"H my way with his new puppy & he'll get some home truths.

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 09/03/2017 14:18

Thanks for the support as I can't talk to anyone. Except counselor who was useful. I feel bad about 'giving in' re pup but I wasn't allowed to discuss it. It's truly pushed me over. I hope he will have a great time with dog, he may be a very good owner as he does love them. But he's treated me so badly. I'm at work very distracted.

OP posts:
Original poster
FabulousUsername · 09/03/2017 14:20

He may be a great dog owner as he won't have a wife anymore, if that makes sense, so he'll have to step up.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/03/2017 14:22

I can't imagine he will have the patience to be a good dog owner. If he won't listen to you I'm guessing he wouldn't listen to a dog trainer and will just be his own expert (and take it out on the dog when it all goes wrong).
You can't stay with someone who won't let you discuss such a major life decision. I'm sorry OP.

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 09/03/2017 14:46

I'm hoping for the best regards dog. My concern is that I don't want to be bonded with the puppy as I'll not be able to leave for worrying about it. On the other hand if I'm definitely facto Cruella Deville it's easier for me.

Noot I love your cat description. I hate leaving my 2 alone but they have a great life. H might be jealous?! Too bad.

OP posts:
August1984 · 09/03/2017 15:33

Thanks for the update, glad you're ok OP. What has the counsellor said about your relationship dynamic? I'd ignore the puppy situation and start making a solid step by step plan on how to extract yourself. You DH is very immature and there's no respect from him, you need a new start.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/03/2017 15:44

If i were you i'd call the breeder and tell them you dont want the dog only your partner does and you've been pressured in to it.

Stormtreader · 09/03/2017 16:01

Can you think of any times in your relationship when hes wanted something, you havent, and things have gone your way? When youve been able to have a sensible discussion where you are listened to and your opinion and desires taken into account? If you can, are any of these times recent or were they all in the early honeymoon period days?

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 09/03/2017 17:21

Stormtreader- no. I've just been trying. Perhaps some minor things. No. He doesn't hear me. He counters everything I say if it's not what I want. For example I don't want a microwave in the kitchen. I don't like how it looks (huge micro small farmhousey kitchen) and I arrange things food wise so I don't need it, so it stays in a cupboard. I came home last night and he'd propped it up overhanging a shelf and taken my baskets down to fit it in and you could see 3 inches of its underside. I told him I didn't want it out and that's why it stays in the cupboard and that he could use it in the cupboard via extension cord as I'd set it up. For the very occasional times I really need microwave. He told me I was mad, insane, and mental. He said ALL normal people have a microwave and I was not normal because I didn't want one. It's not that I don't love microwaves but it was my decision. He never cooks but wanted to reheat Indian food yesterday while I was at work. He told me over and over that I wasn't 'normal' and I stood my ground...Sorry I've gone off on a tangent but still seething as it ruined my evening...It was a tiny issue but I'd left the kitchen spotless and came home to a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
FabulousUsername · 09/03/2017 17:22

Don't know how to act tonight if I come home and he's there with a puppy?

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 09/03/2017 17:37

You say "I see you chose the puppy over me, at least thats out in the open now. We need to sort out what we're going to do in regards to selling the house then, you'll be moving out to yours with your dog I assume?"

LakieLady · 09/03/2017 17:38

He's a shithead. It's not fair to get a puppy unless everyone in the family is committed to it. They are time-consuming, destructive, demanding little gits. My first Lakeland pup was such a handful, he nearly sent me mental. (But I loved him so much, I got a second one a few years later lol).

If he goes ahead with this, I hope the puppy really bonds with you and bites him when he shouts at you. The current lakie used to bark, snap and snarl at my ex when whenever he went into one, she bloody hated him. She's a good girl. Smile

skerrywind · 09/03/2017 17:48

The puppy is a red herring.

THe main problem is bigger than the dog OP.

Is he so controlling in other areas of your life? Does he often ride so rough shod over you?

Why would you want to live with someone who is so emotionally abusive?

skerrywind · 09/03/2017 17:51

Don't know how to act tonight if I come home and he's there with a puppy?

I would go out for the evening.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 09/03/2017 18:22

This isn't about the puppy at all. He sounds like a tosser who doesn't care about your feelings and it sounds like you pretty much know this relationship has run its course. Make the break and get out. Now.

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 09/03/2017 19:12

Home now, he's not here... I'm off to yoga as planned...Think he and pup are at other house. So, sort of uneasy feeling here but ok for tonight. No mention from him.

OP posts:
pilates · 09/03/2017 19:17

Jeez I rarely say LTB but cannot contain myself tonight.

He doesn't sound he likes you very much let alone love you Sad

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 10/03/2017 08:24

Pilates it's good to get an outside perspective. He sent me a long email yesterday pointing out how wrong I've been in the past, how right he's been. No, it doesn't sound like he likes me...I don't actually like him very much now, to be honest!

He's not been in contact other than a response to a text saying I need to 'look at myself' and that if he didn't do stuff nothing would get done. On a positive note I've had a great nights sleep without him here, just me and the cats! I think he thought I'd be begging to come meet the pup. I'm hoping he'll be lavishing her with good attention, he should be, and so he can contrast it with what a b~~ I am. Hmm

There are plenty of dog friends around so I think pup will be well looked after. He will have her undivided adoration and loyalty unlike what he gets from me, his awful wife! Soon to be ex, perhaps?

OP posts:
pilates · 10/03/2017 08:32

Sorry Fab, it just stands out his lack of respect and regard for you.

Perhaps some time away from each other would do you some good.

Stay strong X

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/03/2017 08:34

I hope you manage an amicable split OP, he sounds horrendous and controlling

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