About getting a puppy?

[FabulousUsername]

DH has agreed to buy an adorable puppy. I have said that at this time I don't feel I can commit the time and energy that a puppy needs. He won't hear me on this...we both work more or less full time.

My heart heaves when I think of bringing an innocent animal into this antagonistic relationship. I think he thinks when I see it I will go part time at work to look after it. He won't discuss logistics. I'm saying, just don't get one now. AIBU?

This is madness. Just say NO. End of. You really need to put your foot down on this one.

No, No, No.

That pup will end up miserable and destructive.

Your DH sounds like a selfish spolit prat who is only thinking of what he 'wants'.

Having a puppy in the house is bloody awful. Worse than a baby in terms of work required. Don't do it.

I just read the whole thread. It doesnt sound like you're happy at all. Why are you staying with him? You don't have to stay with someone who rides roughshod over you.

The DH sounds like a bully and doesn't give a shit what you think. Does he always shout you down?

OP, Why did you go with him to see the puppy? In doing that, you effectively gave in. No should mean no.

And why is he deciding to replace your car? Do you get to make any decisions in your household? Is there anything collaborative about your relationship at all?

I realise this is a bit harsh, but you are your DH are not in a loving relationship.

He's bullying you op.

Do not get the car- you will be financing this I assume? Just say no.

Can you ring the breeders and say you don't want the puppy? I think you need to take him up on his offer to move out with his new puppy.

I think your relationship is over to be honest.

I was going to ask why you went to see the puppy as he could take encouragement from this and make you equally responsible for puppy.

But then you said he shouted you down about a car. Did he bully you into seeing the puppy as well?

He's an abuser and a very clever one
" I wanted to buy her a new car" " I wanted to get her a cute puppy"
All made to sound like YOU are the unreasonable one.
Please make plans to leave him if at all possible

What?!? HE decided to buy a new car for you and you have to accept it😳 Umm, is he going to be paying for it? He sound very controlling in all honesty with how you have presented him. A car purchase should be a joint decision monetarily and the person driving the vehicle gets final say on the actual vehicle. No point on having a vehicle you don't want to drive!!

That sounds rather frightening. An 'antagonistic' relationship and he says you will go part time? Or else what?

Is he threatening you?

Does he want the animal around to threaten, so as to show you what punishments might be coming your way?

Is he hoping a puppy will prevent you from leaving?

Leave. Leave leave leave. He sounds creepy as fuck and this puppy sounds like a ball and chain, a method to keep you chained to the house and unable to work.

This is so sinister The post went from someone who quite understandably can't be arsed with a puppy to someone being completely dominated by a unreasonable bully.

Him moving to another house with his puppy and swanky car sounds like the best solution all round

It's just bringing a puppy in that's brought it home how sh#t the situation is. Our previous dog used to tremble and hide when he shouted at me... Or I'll say, raised his voice. She was a nervous dog anyway but I always felt she could have been more calm if she'd had a calmer home. The car is totally his choice as I couldn't care less about cars but he is paying for it, he earns more than me but he did shout when I asked if we could get cheaper-- I just asked the question. I'm thinking of calling dog breeder and asking if she could keep puppy longer as we're not prepared and use the extra time to get counseling or make it clear to him that a dog shouldn't be in a home where a person shouts.

August, I'm going to propose that and I keep my old car!

I think this is quite literally a "me or the dog" scenario and you would not be unreasonable to give him that ultimatum.

What would he do if you called the breeder and said no?

Counselling is unlikely to change his mind. He will however use it to try and change yours.

What I can't get my head around is that I wouldn't want him not to have a dog because of me! But that might be manipulative of him or, perhaps, I should just let him get one as long as he stays in the house with washable floors and I stay in the other with the cats! Maybe I'm making too big a deal of it

There's obviously a lot more going on here but as far as the puppy goes do you think he could be put off on the grounds that dogs from dodgy breeders can go on to have (potentially very expensive) health and/or temperament issues?

It's clearly not coming from a decent breeder if they're willing to let a puppy go in this situation. Added to the fact that the place "smelled bad" it's clear the breeder isn't adequately meeting these puppies' basic needs so it's highly unlikely they're doing all the additional work they should be in order to maximise the chances of the litter turning into happy, well adjusted adults. If they're not doing the most basic care (like keeping the place clean) it's also highly unlikely they've put in all the effort they should have done prior to breeding to ensure as much as possible that they're producing dogs that will be healthy, have sound conformation and good temperaments.

What mix of breeds is the puppy? Some of the most popular breeds at the moment are potentially riddled with health issues which a BYB/puppy farm isn't going to be bothering to try and avoid.

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Good warning on counseling. He's already said no this morning. Liking 'me or the dog' as it's clear.

Thanks cornflake...I'm going to look into this.

But breeder V nice, I've no doubt they're genuine with recommendations, smelling bad is more a comment on me being a bit prissy. V nice puppies well cared for.

The breeder may seem nice but it's a massive red flag that they'd be willing to let a puppy go to a couple who both work full time and when one of the couple don't actually want the puppy at all. Have they actually asked you anything about your lifestyle? Why you want a dog? Why you picked that cross? Why you picked them as a breeder? I'd expect any decent breeder to be asking prospective puppy buyers all these questions and more.

The smell (regardless of how prissy you're being) is also a red flag. I've been around plenty of litters, they shouldn't smell if the breeder is keeping them and their living area appropriately clean.

This (my link) guide to buying a puppy is well worth reading, as is the list of questions to ask a breeder (my link) on the same site.

What mix of breeds are the puppies?

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i think youve got bigger problems than the puppy OP. Youre being bullied and sidelined. Youre perfectly entitled to not have a puppy. Its supposed to be a mutual decision. If you dont both want it, then its not right. Its a dog, not a toy and its a massive commitment.

Counselling isn't recommended with abusive partners as they get the counsellor on side.

What are you hoping to achieve from counselling? If you think you'd be happier in separate houses, does this relationship have a future? Your old dog used to run and hide when he shouted at you. That's awful. It indicates that he does it loudly and often. Nobody should shout at anyone in a loving, committed, healthy relationship. If you don't want to live like this anymore you really don't have to. You don't need anyones permission to end it if you're unhappy.