To be suspicious of my kids mum re: lodger?

[YetAnotherUser]

Name changed as this will be horrifically identifying. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be quite long.

I have 2 kids with my ex, typically we share their care 50/50 but this is interspersed with periods where her provision for their safety has been sub-par, (having violent guys around them) and they've lived with me full time. I have a court order that gives me residence if I feel the need to enforce it.

After the latest loser abuser has finally left the scene we've recently recently gone back to shared care, but now she's told me she wants to take in a lodger to get around the bedroom tax (she has a 2 bed flat) and get a few quid. She's unemployed on JSA so the money would come in handy sure.

But, the lodger is a man and has a child... Her last abuser also moved in under the guise of being a lodger, so I'm quite suspicious of exactly what she's up to. As it's a 2 bed flat it also raises a question about where everyone will go when our kids are at hers, their Mum has her bed in the sitting room, I presume our kids will share, and the lodger and his kid will have the other room.

Gut feeling tells me she will end up sharing her bed with the lodger man, and that this is just a thinly disguised attempt to get him in through the back door and introduce him to the kids as a friend without the obviously beneficial period of figuring out if the lodger is nasty or not. She has plenty of form for introducing the kids to new boyfriends within a couple of days, including drug dealers and peados etc.

She also wants me to hand over the child benefit and tax credits as I work and she says she needs them more (latest abuser saddled her with a ton of debt).

Basically I know I can't stop her taking in the lodger if she so chooses, but WIBU to tell her that I think it's a bad idea and tell her I'm not supportive of it?

Can I just say, From what you have said You seem to be a great parent. Although you could stop contact you have not and seem to be doing whats best for your children emotionally and physically, protecting them but also making sure they see their mother which is best for the children (most of the time). The only thing I wouldn't do is give her all the benefits. If you have the children the majority of the time. Giving her money just leaves her with a sense of entitlement to not get work, provide for herself. If its 50/50 then maybe sharing the benefits equally depending on who buys clothes and pays for schools etc.
I think moving a lodger in and gaining money wouldnt be the smart thing to do on her behalf either if she's on benefits she could be caught and end up in more financial trouble than to begin with. Like Someone previously said maybe she should use the money you've already given to go against bedroom tax and the children can have their own room

Bollocks would anŷbody ne saying any different if the genders were reversed.

These are parents with 50/50 where Childrens social care are happy with the arangements

YetAnotherUser I am sorry you are in this difficult situation.

I am glad posters have responded well, and you've not got flamed ro blasted or whatever is predicted. Good to see Mumsnetters can we be good at giving sensitive advice to men and women! No surprises there for me!

Anyway, basically, I agree with Littlefrog "... if you have residency and you have proof of her bringing drug dealers and paedophiles in ti the house,
What's the issue????
Keep the kids"

and

MrsandMrsSmith "OP I think you have to say to her overnight contact isn't appropriate if she brings a stranger into the house."

But how you do that needs some consideration, can I ask how old the kids are?
(You do not sound at all controlling, if anything you sound too soft because you know how much the kids love their mum!)

Op I think you sound like a fantastic dad putting your kids welfare and happiness first.
Had you posted saying you were female and ex was male I expect some of the responses would have been more positive, however that is just my perspective 🤔
From what you ahve stated, and I have no experience in this area. It all sounds fair and in the interests of the children. Perhaps if your ex needs financial help Nd is unable to work for whatever reason and you yourself have money to spare, you could help her out with the bedroom tax for the children to have constancy.
I think you are in a very difficult and unenviable situation and I wish you luck and happiness for all your family 😆

Trifle, your only concern here seems to be the OPs ex wife. What about the kids? Speaking as someone who is also the resident parent to two children who have a living and incompetent parent, I assure you that controlling my ex is not on my radar - UNLESS he starts to impact the children negatively. We have no court order, he is welcome to seek one but they won't give him any more contact than I do - he is proven incompetent.

And YetAnotherUser, please don't give your ex any bloody money, or the child benefit for either child. You need the child benefit to maintain residency and therefore a guaranteed safe living environment for the children. If she can't cope with the bedroom tax, she can get a lodger and visit the children in the day, or she can get a job. She has options and it's not your responsibility to fix her shit.

The children have 50/50 they are meant to come to an arangement about splitting child benefit.

It's usually expected.

TheOnlyColditz: I very clearly said that it sounds like a chaotic environment and if the OP doesn't think his ex is responsible enough to parent, he should keep the kids with him.

And no he does not need CB to maintain residency they are no longer connected by the courts

Definitely keep the kids with you I wouldn't be happy to allow more than days out with the mum. It's far too disruptive to share care then stop once she gets the next inappropriate boyfriend. If she's irresponsible enough to allow peados and violent drug addicts around her kids she's probably not the best guardian anyway. Keep the kids with you.

YetAnotherUser I think you need a straight talk with you ex, if she puts your kids at risk again with any* inappropriate nighttime visitors (or day time for that matter). You will get full custody or whatever it is called these days.

We have an adopted son and I know that integrating a new child into a family is quite hard. Having a lodger with a child could be hard, especially if (as you suspect) she will end up in a sexual relationship with the man, making the kids into 'sort of' step siblings. All complicated. Not impossible of course but difficult, especially if his man and child will be off at some point!

Sorry if I missed the post where you said their ages, if they are teens or pre-teens it may be hard to change things (not impossible).

But if younger you can just explain the courts decide if it is safer/better for kids to live with you and see their mum in the daytime etc.

I think you need to tap into working out what is best for the kids and then go with that.

Give her fair warning. She could have a female lodger or get a job, but putting kids at risk, even emotional risks, does not seem acceptable to me at all.

You do need to be honest with your kids, in age appropriate language too, if their mum does things that are unacceptable you can tell them, it's not wrong as long as you are totally honest (age appropriate).

I know there are two sides to any story (at least) but on Mumsnet we only ever get one side and you know the details we do not.

All the best.

I don't see that you should give your ex money, unless you are providing money which she will use for the kids when she is with them because she has no way of getting any other than that. And then only if you can afford to.

She's made bad choices and needs to seek some help with this. Just as any parent who makes mistakes needs to take responsibility for that.

You have a residence order for a reason and this entitles you to claim the TC and CB. Don't give them up, you will regret it if you do. When the kids are living 50/50 you can give her cash, that's fair, but don't give up your claim. Better still, from your point of view (though not hers if she is on benefits) pay it electronically so it can be proved. Or take on an additional share of the kids expenses by agreement - activities, clothes etc.

She needs to get a female lodger, this is all bullshit just as you suspect.

What on earth do you think she can do if she has CB for one child george
It's incredibly simple to change it back if needs be

trifle
NeedsAsockamnesty: I can't agree with that. If a parent isn't fit to parent without their every move being supervised by someone who may or may not be incredibly controlling, then it is healthier for everyone for contact to be supervised but facilitated by the family courts

This is not how things work. There is no ongoing role for the family courts after an order has been made, and contact cannot be supervised indefinitely. Contact us usually only supervised for a period of assessment if required. This has taken place, the decision is that the father has the capacity to safeguard the children and make ongoing decisions about contact, as it should be.
Contact isn't a zero sum game. If a parent is ina good place and has protective capacity then contact may be increased. As sIon as there are indicators of increased vulnerability then the protective parent must make a decision to safeguard the children. It's not a case of - children stay with her with no conditions OR she has supervised contact for 2 hours a week, as you seem to be suggesting. Contact should be fluid and tailored to the children's needs. It's complex and nuanced and the op sounds like he is doing a good job under difficult circumstances.

Only if she agrees.

And the CB is a passport to the CTC, WTC and HB for that child.

In my view if the OP is already handing over some of the tax credits and child benefit then he is already paying toward the mothers "bedroom tax"

'Clare's Law' introduced to tackle domestic violence - BBC
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26488011

Citing Clare's law You can go to police station and ask if this man has any previous for domestic violence. Also insist that any men have full dBS check before they Have regular contact with your kids, any decent person would have no problem with this

Having said all that Jimmy Seville would have had a clean dBS from the police as he was not convicted of any crime .... Protect kids first, and with out regard for anything else

Since she seems financially motivated, why not tell her if DWP or the council find out she has a man living at the property (there is a lot of background record-matching checks), they may suspend her benefits and send the fraud investigator around. The veiled threat may work.

Many social housing providers have rules about overcrowding their property, and many private landlords would evict tenants who are sub-letting without permission. You can earn lodger rent tax-free under the HMRC 'rent a room' scheme, but DWP will still count it as income and deduct from any means-tested benefits that she may receive. May be that angle would deter her from bringing a 'lodger' to the flat.

Depending on the ages of the children, perhaps you could organise contact visits away from her flat if there are strangers there. This could be supervised by yourself which may feel like inconvenience, but it would give peace of mind.

Gallavich: Perhaps you are right. I think it is a situation potentially open to abuse and would be returning to the courts if I was the mother, as having the children living with her 1/3 of the time with her partner's consent over the past 2 years is indicative that her parenting is probably pretty decent. That's just me.

You can be a good day to day parent whom sometimes doesn't make safe choices. It doesn't mean she's a bad parent but it does mean she is vulnerable and vulnerable people can be easily abused, coerced and gaslighted.

As horrible as I am sure it is for the ex, it's got to be about what's best for the children.

If the ex felt the OP was abusing his position I think she would definitely be entitled to present that. However, it seems OP just wants the best for his children.

Glad your ex has seen the force of your argument and decided against the male lodger with child. Apart from anything else, the extra child would have created more space issues, depending on age and sex of all children involved! But of course the primary issue is your DC's safety with a random male in the house, given your ex's tendency to pick bad boyfriends (she must have got lucky with you, you sound like you have your head screwed on the right way!)

I don't see your behaviour as controlling except in that you are trying to do your best for your children - and SOMEONE has to be the "grown up" in that situation, when the other parent is signally failing to keep threatening presences out of the children's lives!

Don't know anything about the CB and the bedroom tax (an invidious tax anyway - should be abolished!) What does stop your ex from working, is she actually looking for work? Is she in an area with high unemployment? If she had a better income then the "lodger" would be unnecessary anyway - or rather, her excuse for why she "needed" a lodger would become invalid.

Good luck - keep doing what you're doing.

It's really not an indication of anything, apart from the fact that maybe she was single during that period. A person who has a track record of making very poor choices in partner and exposing the children to dangerous people cannot be assumed not to be vulnerable to repeating the behaviour and the op is absolutely right to advise her that he will not be happy for the children to stay overnight if she moves a man into the house.

Trifle maybe you would return to court. But the OP's ex hasn't chosen to do that.