To be suspicious of my kids mum re: lodger?

[YetAnotherUser]

Name changed as this will be horrifically identifying. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be quite long.

I have 2 kids with my ex, typically we share their care 50/50 but this is interspersed with periods where her provision for their safety has been sub-par, (having violent guys around them) and they've lived with me full time. I have a court order that gives me residence if I feel the need to enforce it.

After the latest loser abuser has finally left the scene we've recently recently gone back to shared care, but now she's told me she wants to take in a lodger to get around the bedroom tax (she has a 2 bed flat) and get a few quid. She's unemployed on JSA so the money would come in handy sure.

But, the lodger is a man and has a child... Her last abuser also moved in under the guise of being a lodger, so I'm quite suspicious of exactly what she's up to. As it's a 2 bed flat it also raises a question about where everyone will go when our kids are at hers, their Mum has her bed in the sitting room, I presume our kids will share, and the lodger and his kid will have the other room.

Gut feeling tells me she will end up sharing her bed with the lodger man, and that this is just a thinly disguised attempt to get him in through the back door and introduce him to the kids as a friend without the obviously beneficial period of figuring out if the lodger is nasty or not. She has plenty of form for introducing the kids to new boyfriends within a couple of days, including drug dealers and peados etc.

She also wants me to hand over the child benefit and tax credits as I work and she says she needs them more (latest abuser saddled her with a ton of debt).

Basically I know I can't stop her taking in the lodger if she so chooses, but WIBU to tell her that I think it's a bad idea and tell her I'm not supportive of it?

[YetAnotherUser]

Trifleorbust

Unfortunately I'm legit

It's not all as simple as it seems.written down, but the crux of it is as it's written. I'd love to tell her to go fuck herself and take me to court if she wants to have the kids overnight, but as I said upthread I desperately try to balance the kids needs.

I genuinely think that they get a lot of benefit emotionally from being able to stay with their Mum, my youngest was bed wetting a lot once I took them to live with me, the stress on them was obvious.

I've been posting here for about a year, and have mentioned my child arrangements etc under my usual username.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

yes with 1 child and a parent you would not be under occupying a two bed flat so its a total lie tbh

Not if the parent does not have the child benefit for the child. Because that means the child for benefit purposes lives elsewhere.

[Gallavich]

I struggle to see why so many posters are finding this scenario difficult to understand or believe!
The op has his children in his care with court order due to her poor parenting. He agrees contact with permission from the court as per her circumstances, he's concerned about these particular circumstances and wants advice regarding the contact under those circumstances. All very clear to me.
Op, you don't say how old your kids are but maybe they need an age appropriate explanation of why they don't live with mum and why they can't go there if she has someone you don't know living there?

[NerdyBird]

Keeping them with you is the right thing to do. No overnight contact if she has a lodger.
My DP has residency for his children as their mother was in a relationship with a paedophile. For a while she had apparently broken up with him but he didn't let them live with her again. Predictably, it didn't last long and she is now married to him, despite previous protestations that she'd never have him back.
If you ex has history you can't trust her so whilst it may not be great for them you have to stick to your guns.

[Trifleorbust]

I don't disbelieve the OP at all.

I'm going to be honest though. I think the current arrangements give you a lot of power over your ex.

[juneau]

OP I think you have to say to her overnight contact isn't appropriate if she brings a stranger into the house.


This ^

From what you've said I wouldn't trust her an inch. She clearly has very poor judgement and hasn't learned from her previous bad experiences, which is unfortunate for her, but could be very dangerous for your DC.

[LovelyBath77]

I don't think if she's on benefits she could take in a lodger and get them to pay rent to her. That sounds very dodgy. They would just take it off her benefits. She gets housing benefit I suppose. So how can she rent somewhere which isn't hers to rent?

If she goes ahead maybe best to say she can see them but not there, at yours perhaps.

[YetAnotherUser]

Trifleorbust

In a way, yes.

That's why I try to make sure I'm doing the right thing. She is quite vulnerable.

I think her best bet would be to get herself a job and learn how to protect herself and the kids from nasty blokes. You can take the horse to water...

[LovelyBath77]

If someone reported the situation to the benefits (lodger etc) they would probably investigate that and not allow it. Just an idea.

[YetAnotherUser]

LovelyBath77

You can take in a lodger legitimately if you declare it all. It does get taken off of benefits though so the reward is small.

[TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork]

I don't think if she's on benefits she could take in a lodger and get them to pay rent to her. That sounds very dodgy. They would just take it off her benefits. She gets housing benefit I suppose. So how can she rent somewhere which isn't hers to rent?

She's hardly going to tell them, is she?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

50/50 shared care with the option for one party to restrict the other (often for a short period whilst waiting to go back to court)is not two unusual I see it a fair bit.

What it does mean is that you do not have residency you have shared care, but should she behave in a way that means she's a risk then you enact the order and then have residency.

One way to solve the issue would be you keep any tax credits and she have CB for one child in her name and you have the other childs CB in your name. As then she wouldn't be subject to the bedroom tax so wouldn't need a lodger.

I would also be straight up with her and actually verbalise your concerns about the situation but obviously sensitively

[Trifleorbust]

I would agree that she needs to learn to protect herself from nasty blokes. Not sure how much having a job has to do with it.

Anyway, as long as you are doing what is best for your children, that is the best you can do.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Getrid are you serious???? He has full custody and already hands over a portion on the child benefits!

No he doesn't. He has 50/50 shared care.

[Mermaidinthesea]

You sound incredibly controlling.
If she's had violent men and paedophiles in the house then why is she allowed to have the children or is that just your opinion of her friends?
I have lodgers all the time to help out but only female ones, it makes a huge difference to my income.
If you are genuinely concerned then get social services involved or get the situation assessed properly don't second guess it. Taking children away from a parent isn't a game.

[TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork]

He's not controlling, he's the protective parent in this scenario. Don't be silly.

[RandomMess]

I really feel for you, nightmare situation that you are being asked to comment on - you really can't win!

Can you diplomatically say "I think if you have a lodger again, it would be best if the DC don't stay overnight as I don't think they cope well with it. What contact would you like to have?"

Do you trust your ex in your house, would it work for her to have the DC after school, bring them back to your house "until she get's a job" and then revisit contact arrangements?

[LetsStartAtTheVeryBeginning]

If she needs a lodger she could get a female one

Sometimes, vulnerable women in this situation will move a man in under the guise of him being a 'lodger', when he isn't anything of the sort.

OP, if you're really concerned and she does move another man in, Sarah's Law is your friend.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I'm going to be honest though. I think the current arrangements give you a lot of power over your ex

Often that is something that's needed, sometimes part of a parents job is to protect children from the other parent, there is no way you can do that without exerting some level of control

[juneau]

Other solutions might be:

1. You pay her bedroom tax for her;
   
2. You specify that the lodger has to be female.
   
   TBH five people in a 2-bed flat sounds horribly crowded to me and not a good environment to be growing up in.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

mermaid

How else do you think he got the court order he has? Going to court to attempt to gain a court order is getting the situation correctly assesed!

NewCork having a lodger is actually one of the ways housing benefit suggest of managing the bedroom tax and in the vast majority of social tenancies it's perfectly legal

[YetAnotherUser]

Mermaidinthesea

No that isn't my opinion of her friends, that is fact - the peadophile I managed to get sent back to jail for breaching his SOPO, because I phoned 101 and asked for a disclosure under Sarah's law. Controlling? Maybe, but hardly unreasonable.

The drug dealer, that's what children's services thought. Plus some of his violent antics made the news.

[Trifleorbust]

NeedsAsockamnesty: I don't think any adult should control any other adult. It isn't healthy for either party. Look at the OP: he is in a right state because he doesn't know what to do for the best. Put yourself in his ex'a shoes - her ex can 'let' her see her children (if she toes the line) or refuse her permission, any time he wants, for any reason he wants.

The situation sounds intolerable for her, tbh.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I'm in exactly the same position as the op. I have a court order that gives me a huge huge amount of control over my ex's relationship with our child.

I get to say who he can allow around them,I get to say how he can parent,where he can go,pretty much every single decision he makes has to be checked with me.

Both of us agree this order has enabled him to have a role in his childs life and that the only other option would have been letter box contact only.

Sometimes orders like that are in the best interests of the children.

[atheistmantis]

you have a residence order for a reason. Use it.