To be suspicious of my kids mum re: lodger?

[YetAnotherUser]

Name changed as this will be horrifically identifying. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be quite long.

I have 2 kids with my ex, typically we share their care 50/50 but this is interspersed with periods where her provision for their safety has been sub-par, (having violent guys around them) and they've lived with me full time. I have a court order that gives me residence if I feel the need to enforce it.

After the latest loser abuser has finally left the scene we've recently recently gone back to shared care, but now she's told me she wants to take in a lodger to get around the bedroom tax (she has a 2 bed flat) and get a few quid. She's unemployed on JSA so the money would come in handy sure.

But, the lodger is a man and has a child... Her last abuser also moved in under the guise of being a lodger, so I'm quite suspicious of exactly what she's up to. As it's a 2 bed flat it also raises a question about where everyone will go when our kids are at hers, their Mum has her bed in the sitting room, I presume our kids will share, and the lodger and his kid will have the other room.

Gut feeling tells me she will end up sharing her bed with the lodger man, and that this is just a thinly disguised attempt to get him in through the back door and introduce him to the kids as a friend without the obviously beneficial period of figuring out if the lodger is nasty or not. She has plenty of form for introducing the kids to new boyfriends within a couple of days, including drug dealers and peados etc.

She also wants me to hand over the child benefit and tax credits as I work and she says she needs them more (latest abuser saddled her with a ton of debt).

Basically I know I can't stop her taking in the lodger if she so chooses, but WIBU to tell her that I think it's a bad idea and tell her I'm not supportive of it?

It would make things a lot simpler if they just had a manageable amount of contact with her, but they'd also be bloody miserable

They'll probably be quite miserable if you allow them to live in houses with paedophiles, abusive men and complete strangers, wouldn't you say?

Do your job.

MrsandMrsSmith

I think you've hit the nail on the head... If she wants to have an unvetted lodger, I suppose the answer is she can do so but not have the kids around him.

Nevertheless, OP, it doesn't sound appropriate, does it? She has a history of moving in abusive men, so your DC are living in a situation where they must constantly be expecting the next abusive man to turn up.

Id ask her where the children are meant to sleep when the last dger moves in.
I'd also ask if any of her benefits will be affected by someoneelse living there ie council tax, housing benefit etc.
The tax credits and child benefit are supposed to be for the care and provision of the kids.

The OP is the resident parent and claims the relevant benefits for the dc. Making the exp NRP so she meets the criteria for bedroom tax.

Personally I'd be wary of any lodger you didn't know! Maybe you you take a k full residency and only allow the dc to visit during the day! You have no idea who this person is or what his background is

How does this work in other situations where DC live with Mum, visit Dad & he has his girlfriends round ?
Sounds like a nightmare.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork

The thing is though, the kids don't know any of it.

They didn't know that X had convictions for child porn. They didn't know that Y was a dealer. All they knew is that I took them to live with me and they couldn't stay with their Mum. Aside from all that, she is actually pretty good at looking after them - they're well fed, clean, suitable clothes, she takes them out places etc. Just when it comes to men that she can't seem to do the right thing.

Trust me, trying to balance their safety with the need for them to maintain a good relationship with their mother has caused me no end of grief and sleepless nights.

Why don't you pay for your kids so she doesn't have to move in a potential paedophile?

GetRidOfWelfare
What do you mean "why don't I pay for my kids?"

Aside from the fact they live with me for a minimum of 50% of the time and no maintenance is payable, I do fork out some money to her when the kids stay with her, despite there being no obligation for me to do so.

Something she never willingly did when the kids live with me full time.

GetRidOfWelfare may as well ask her why she doesn't go and get a job.

Getrid are you serious???? He has full custody and already hands over a portion on the child benefits!

I think another poster has a good idea about you maybe paying the bedroom tax if she proves it exists to you as I don't think it's that much and of course you can say as other poster says that you want keep bedroom for the kids.
Will firstly give you proof said tax is needed to be paid and give her no reason have lodger

What are you thinking???

Of course you keep your dc SAFE and if that means a few tears then so be it!

If she has form bringing in totally unsuitable men into an environment where you have innocent and vulnerable dc then your first priority is your dc!

It sounds as if she will bring in unsuitable men into the flat even if you paid the bedroom tax so I would not be giving her money for that nor a portion of any benefit.

Tell her to get a single flat or get a job. There is absolutely no reason why she doesn't work (from what you have said) especially as she has no childcare arrangements to make.

Of course inviting a man and his child into her 2 bed flat is dodgy!

Your poor dc .

They need good role models in their life.

I hope they didn't witness the violence?

I really hope you are doing everything in your power to be a great dad to them and keep them safe, cared and loved. Especially as they have a car crash of a mother.

If all the information you have given is correct ..

Your kids safety supersedes thier 'happiness' of seeing thier mother.

You are right to be wary. I think you are completely within your rights to insist that this ' lodger' doesn't move in if mum wishes to continue seeing the children at her home.

Well done you for protecting your kids.

I don't know how old the DC are but if old enough could you start doing some work with them about how to keep them self safe ?

GetRid why should the OP (who is RP) give the NRP money too look after the kids would you folk out money to a male NRP if he couldnt afford to keep flat so had to take lodger in?

No then wind your neck in as a NRP she should be getting a job rather then getting into bed with numerous unsuitable men

Poor kids...they need a firm solid base...this backwards and forwards shit is unsettling,op keep the kids full time,let her visit to see them,but don't let them stay over..at hers .anything else is madness

OP is correct, it is the recipient of the child benefit which is looked at when deciding who qualifies for the extra room for bedroom tax purposes. Despite the mum having the children for some of the time, it won't be taken into account when looking at her housing benefit. If you sign over the child benefit, she shouldn't be subject to the bedroom tax then wouldn't need a lodger - it's been a few years since I worked in this sector though so it may have changed. And if the lodger is actually a new man in her life, she'll move him in regardless...

TENSHI

I'm thinking that I need to make the right decision, and that making a knee jerk reaction is rarely a good thing lol.

No, through better luck than judgement on their mother's part they've never witnessed any DV or abuse thankfully.

Anyway I've seen enough, I've told her in no uncertain terms that if she takes in lodger man then the kids will be with me, which is what I was leaning towards in the first place. Thanks all for helping me see that I'm not just being over sensitive about it.

The exP, the Mum, obviously has difficulties making good decisions where Men are concerned and although getting a lodger in seems a reasonable answer to her financial difficulties, a man and one with a child, doesnt seem sensible.

Why not suggest she finds a working female lodger (after checking it wont affect her benefits) or offer to pay the bedroom tax until she finds employment and doesnt have to have a lodger.

Random lodgers, of any sex, Id say you probably shouldnt let DC stay overnight until they're proven. (I know there isnt this option where new bfs or gfs are concerned but ideally you would there too).

Thank god they have you Yet.

She sounds like an absolutely terrible role model especially by not working.

Anyway, we only have your side of this but I despair everytime I read about parents who bring totally unsuitable people into their dc's environment and not think about the impact on the dc of every move, action and word.

Some people are beyond selfish.

There is something 'off' about all this. Got my spidery senses tingling...

If she can't be trusted to the extent that you are prepared to remove the children from her, I am shocked you let her have them living with her at all, having gone to the trouble to get full residency.

No overnight contact if she's moves in the random seems reasonable to me.
You could say if things seem stable with him in 6 months then you could begin daytime out of the home contact and build up from there.

I think you're doing an excellent job of balancing a very difficult situation.
As long as your kids seem genuinely happy to go then great but be cautious that it's easier to be the bad guy now and explain yourself later than piece them back together from trauma.

We can't protect our kids from everything but we can put safe guards around known dangers.

It sounds to me like your ex has an insecure attachment style and if desperately seeking a partner to validate her.
Certain types of people prey on women like these, particularly when they have kids they can get access too through them.

As a survivor of child sexual abuse who has spent a lot of time talking it through with other survivours, well let's just say my daughter won't be getting a step father.

If she needs a lodger she could get a female one - I'm in a shared house and the landlady never has a problem filling her rooms; she doesn't like to mix so it's all female at the moment. So not unreasonable to want to take in a lodger, vvvv unreasonable to take in a man given her history, YANBU to want to avoid putting the kids in an iffy situation.

This sounds really dodgy i'm afraid, you know she has form for this kind of behaviour so best to keep residency i would have thought.
The kids safety must be paramount surely?