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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry where my relationship is going?

51 replies

tigersbuddy · 24/02/2017 18:34

I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. Everything is good. I have two children from a previous relationship and he is great with them.
I want to settle down, live together have a baby etc. Every which way I put this to him he comes up with excuses. I KNOW he loves me......I'm in no doubt about that but I feel that after 3 years of being a couple it is not unreasonable to want things to move forwards.
I found houses for us to move into as a couple- he didn't like any of them.
I suggested we buy a small property together he said no incase we split up. He is unsure if he wants kids even though I have been clear from the start that I wanted more and he would sit and discuss baby names with me. He is happy for our relationship to continue......him with his own place, staying over at mine a few nights a week. I want more.

I just don't know what to do. I have this horrible sinking feeling that we want very different things moving forwards and perhaps whilst our personalities are comparable, our expectations of life are very different.
I don't want to lose him. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me but I don't want all the compromises to be on my part.

I don't know how to sort it out. I always felt like it was a fairytale relationship and I guess I just want my happy ending.

OP posts:
Lostpangolin · 24/02/2017 18:36

Sorry tigers, but it sounds as though he wants his cake and eat it.

wobblywonderwoman · 24/02/2017 18:39

I think he is letting you know where you stand.. I would back off away from him. Don't break it off but be less available. Have nights out with friends / or join a gym or whatever and either way it will pay off to be more alone. He will either miss you or you will go your separate ways.

Original poster
tigersbuddy · 24/02/2017 18:42

That's how I feel too......like don't get me wrong he makes a lot of effort. ...it's all on him to come to mine. We never stay at his but it's more convenient with the kids.
But we aren't 17 any more. I want a proper grown up relationship.

OP posts:
JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 24/02/2017 18:44

nice and handy, he has it. i'd hand him his P45 and move on.

Original poster
tigersbuddy · 24/02/2017 18:44

I think deep down I know it's going to have to come down to an ultimatum.

He's had some really shitty breakups in the past but I'm not his ex's. I'm not going to do what they did to him and if he doesn't realise that soon then we are going to end up breaking apart.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 24/02/2017 18:59

How old are your current children?

Maybe he's reluctant because of them? Living with children 24/7 is very different to him just seeing them a few nights a week when he stays over and maybe this frightens him?

How old are you both?

YANBU to want a fairytale ending, we all do, but I think he's perhaps not being very honest with you about how he sees the future.

CoraPirbright · 24/02/2017 19:11

He's got it all his own way, hasn't he?

Gottagetmoving · 24/02/2017 19:11

I don't think he will ever give you what you want.,sorry.
It could take him years before he will decide to move forward so you have to decide whether you can accept things as they are with the possibility you will never have the family set up you want or cut loose now.
I wouldn't waste any more time unless you are sure you can be happy if it stays like this.

Original poster
tigersbuddy · 24/02/2017 19:24

I'm 29 he's 38.

My kids are 8 & 9.

I definitely think that the kids put him off moving in. He likes the fact that when the going gets tough he can retreat back to his own place but I have tried to take that into consideration when looking for a house for us to all move into but it makes no difference- there's always a problem with what I've chosen. I've told him to come up a solution but he can't think of anything.

It's such a horrible situation. I don't know what to do. I know we need to talk.....I have told him that but I don't think he understands how serious it is. I don't want to split up but I need to know where are heading.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 24/02/2017 19:31

Have you been on holidays as a family unit, like a fortnight abroad etc so he gets to experience the 24/7 stresses of parenthood - how does he handle it or does he leave must of the parenting to you?

Personally it sounds like he thinks he's got a great life - a nice younger girlfriend but the freedom to retreat to his own house when he needs some space. He may think that marriage and living together brings too many negatives and why would he want to change the good life he already has?

OneLumpOrSeven · 24/02/2017 19:33

I think you both want different things, and that's ok, but it won't work in the long term.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2017 19:38

This type of keeping you in limbo is not on. Don't wait for him to make the decision. Draw a line. This shit will not get better. Believe me, I've been there.

Original poster
tigersbuddy · 24/02/2017 19:39

Yes we have been on 1 trip abroad for a week and another in the UK for a week. On the whole he does leave most of the parenting yo me but equally if I need back up on an issue he steps in. He is also happy to look after them and put them to bed etc if I want a night out.
He can get massively stressed out by the kids but I think part of that is down to his unrealistic expectations of them. They are no angels and make mess and noise like all kids. They talk back on occasions because they are at an age where they are pushing boundaries.......sometimes he deals with it......sometimes he loses his shit. But I do too on occasion.

I am tempted to show him this thread. I just want him to see that what I want is a natural progression of our relationship and not because he isn't enough. It's because he is enough that I want more.
I feel a bit foolish for having to almost beg for things which should come naturally.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 24/02/2017 19:50

What form does his 'losing his shit' with your kids take? Obviously kids can be very trying sometimes, but is it his place to shout at your kids?

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/02/2017 19:58

Sorry OP, but he's just not that into you Sad. The house-buying thing makes it perfectly clear - "I suggested we buy a small property together he said no incase we split up." He's happy being your boyfriend and being a bachelor. He does not want to commit you, and he won't.

You're young. Move on from him, he doesn't want the same things that you want. And at 38, he should know what he wants - he's unlikely to change his mind. Find someone who wants the same things as you.

Original poster
tigersbuddy · 24/02/2017 20:02

He does tell them off and sometimes shouts but I see him as my equal in terms of parenting. I don't have a problem with that. They do no see their own dad.......that's a whole other thread. He's the closest thing they have ever had to a dad which is another reason I don't want to throw everything away. The kids would be devestated. But at the same time I need to know we have a future.
My son has had a string of health problems and he has come to every hospital appointment even when he's just done a night shift. All the Dr's have praised his hands on approach with my ds. I can't knock him on that- he genuinely cares about them. Dd especially adores him, they have an amazing bond and I trust him 100% with them.

OP posts:
laurzj82 · 24/02/2017 20:16

Sorry but I think he's been very clear in where he wants this to go. Nowhere. Won't buy a house in case you split up. Sorry OP but think it's time to move on Flowers

Writerwannabe83 · 24/02/2017 20:20

I agree with a previous poster - if at the age of 38 he doesn't want to live with a partner, have marriage and children etc then it's unlikely he ever will. If a man wants children of his own then usually by the age of 38 he would be doing something about it.

I suppose the question you need to think about is: what benefit is there to him of living together and getting married?

He probably views your wants as him losing his own space and being surrounded by the children 24/7 for the next decade.

If he wanted to commit to you then he would - its that simple - and the fact he's coming up with reasons to not even live together shows that he doesn't have the same vision for your future as you do.

Softkitty2 · 24/02/2017 20:58

Sounds like he wants a clear and easy exit. I think you're his partner FOR NOW.

tabithakitty · 24/02/2017 21:02

Please don't show him this thread. There can't be many men likely to be persuaded in to anything after seeing a mumsnet thread...

SquinkiesRule · 24/02/2017 21:04

He's just not that into you.
Move on, you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be more serious with you.
He just wants to date, nothing more.

Bansteadmum · 24/02/2017 21:08

Why would you see him as "your equal" in parenting when you are not in a committed relationship, and he has poor tolerance for DC? Given the stage your relationship is at it doesn't make sense for him to be spending lots of time with your DC. He isn't a step parent and his behaviour suggests he doesn't want to be.

Buying a property and having DC together are more of a commitment than marriage. He has been clear that he doesn't want those things.

Original poster
tigersbuddy · 24/02/2017 21:31

It's shit.......I think a lot of it is down to fear. I would just like him to do something because I mean that much to him......not because I have nagged so much and he's given in. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. I'm just beginning to doubt everything..I don't know if it's me or if I'm putting too much pressure on him. There must be something wrong with me :-(

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 24/02/2017 21:33

There's nothing wrong with you - he's just not on the same page and if he had been leading you on then it shows there's something wrong with him.

Have you told him you want marriage and a baby or have you only ever mentioned moving in together?