to worry where my relationship is going?

[tigersbuddy]

I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. Everything is good. I have two children from a previous relationship and he is great with them.
I want to settle down, live together have a baby etc. Every which way I put this to him he comes up with excuses. I KNOW he loves me......I'm in no doubt about that but I feel that after 3 years of being a couple it is not unreasonable to want things to move forwards.
I found houses for us to move into as a couple- he didn't like any of them.
I suggested we buy a small property together he said no incase we split up. He is unsure if he wants kids even though I have been clear from the start that I wanted more and he would sit and discuss baby names with me. He is happy for our relationship to continue......him with his own place, staying over at mine a few nights a week. I want more.

I just don't know what to do. I have this horrible sinking feeling that we want very different things moving forwards and perhaps whilst our personalities are comparable, our expectations of life are very different.
I don't want to lose him. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me but I don't want all the compromises to be on my part.

I don't know how to sort it out. I always felt like it was a fairytale relationship and I guess I just want my happy ending.

Bansteadmum I do see us as being in a committed relationship. Its not like I've introduced him to my kids after 5 mins, we have been together over 3 years. We have sat down in the past and talked about what we wanted of the future.......we appeared to be on the same page, it's only when it comes down to it that the issues have arisen and that he backtracks.

I'm a bit like your boyfriend in my own scenario, although he has kids.

I love exactly where we are at the moment - living separately. But I know he would like us all to live together.

I do too...but not yet. I'm trying to delay it as long as possible, because it's a huge step to take and it's very hard to come back from.

I doesn't mean I love him less than he loves me. It just means I'm really happy with my life right now. If he was unhappy, I'd have to reconsider. But it definitely wouldn't be my choice.

If your kids are holding him back from moving in with you then he almost definitely won't want any more. After 3 years he knows what he wants. He is stringing you along.

Agree with PP, sorry to say he's prioritising some of his own needs (for a separate abode, potentially "clean" exit from relationship in future) above what you would like from him. That's not to say he isn't committed to you and the kids or doesn't love you - but it's just not enough for you. It must be terrifying to realise you don't want the same things, and perhaps part of you might be angry/frustrated that he's misled you into thinking you were on the same page.

I hope that things work out for you one way or the other

Just sat and cried down the phone to my mUm for the last hour.
Just thought it was my chance of happiness. I'm not going to do anything rash......but I am.going to tell.him I need space and have a week or 2 away from him to think about what I do next.......and potentially give him time to decide if we are what he wants. My mum really likes him.but even she said he is taking me for granted and having the best of both worlds.......a ready made family 4 days a week and the bachelor lifestyle the rest of the time.

"It's shit.......I think a lot of it is down to fear. I would just like him to do something because I mean that much to him......not because I have nagged so much and he's given in. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. I'm just beginning to doubt everything..I don't know if it's me or if I'm putting too much pressure on him. There must be something wrong with me :-("
IT. IS. NOT. YOU. It's pretty obvious from that post of yours that you don't want to hear that he is choosing not to progress the relationship. But that is what he is doing - making a choice. I very much doubt his choice is due to fear - it is far more likely to be due to liking his life just as it is. And I'm really sorry to be so brutal, but you don't mean that much to him. He bases his decision not to buy a house with you on the possibility - which he must see as a probability - that you will split up. Listen to your mother - she sees it for what it is.

I'm really sorry OP, but if you want a joint household with a man who will give you more children - you need to start looking for someone else .

Your mum is right. You're being used.
He will ditch you eventually. Absolutely no question there.
Get in there first and bin this loser.

With the best will in the world, he is not your equal in terms of parenting. He doesn't get to shout at your kids if he isn't prepared to move in and actually act like a parent. He is your boyfriend, not their dad.

YOU are committed, and your DC have a relationship with him too.

HE has shown you through words and actions that he is not very committed, at present. It's not a committed relationship unless both parties are on a similar page. In the short term, if you don't want to end it, you could significantly reduce his time with the DC and see him less.

His wishes/actions are not down to anything wrong with you, at all.

And there are loads of ways to be happy, in a relationship or not.

I'm really sorry op, what a shit situation

Why would he want to change things? He has a home at yours when he feels like it, a ready made family, sex on tap, someone to do half the cooking/cleaning etc and then when he wants a break or some space he can just bugger off to his own place.

TBH at 38 he isn't likely to change and suddenly want marriage and kids but depending on how he feels about your relationship he may compromise if it's that or losing you.

The only thing you can do is tell him how you feel, you could show him this thread if you find it easier (you know if he would be annoyed at being talked about) and give him an ultimatum of what you will find acceptable and will compromise on and what you won't then leave him with it for a few days.

In the long term could you afford to run a house together and maybe a small flat? It could be a bolt hole for both of you to take a break every now and then either together or separately maybe a compromise?

Or maybe a compromise that he could have two Saturdays/any day a week off and go to a travel lodge and do his own thing for a day and night?

Perhaps he doesn't want any kids that's why he hasn't moved in - he knows it a deal breaker so is holding back from telling you and trying to avoid

If your son has health problems perhaps he thinks that's enough in the child front

I don't think you're wrong to want more and definitely think a bit of space and a discussion with him is in order.

But...I think you also need to look at it from his perspective.
3 years isn't all that long and as well as being with you he'd be becoming an official step parent to two children.
Does he own his home or rent? Moving in with you could in effect leave him homeless if you split up. I'm presuming he works and moving in with you would also mean he'd be becoming partly finiacial responsible for your children.
Then there's the emotional aspect, he has no legal rights to your children, if you split he may well never see them again. Potentially causing him and them distress.

That's a awful lot of commitment and, I don't think he's wrong, wanting to take his time with it!

I may be a tad biased though, as me and my boyfriend have been together 3 years and he's wanting me to move in, but I'm unsure!

I think your partner has been honest with you about his level of commitment. I think you need to decide if you want to continue as you are, or move on in the hope of meeting someone else.

I'm a similar age to your boyfriend, and have lived on my own for 12 years. I'm currently single but if I ever get into another relationship, I can't imagine wanting to live with someone. I'm just too used to my own space. And I say that without knowing who my next partner might be - so it really wouldn't be about him, just as your boyfriend not wanting to live with you is not about you.
Bottom line is that he's happy with how things are right now, and you're not. If you want to co-habit / get married / have more kids, it can't be with this man. Good luck

Unfortunately it does sound like you want different things. I would avoid issuing any ultimatums. The last thing you want is him moving in, when he doesn't really want to, to avoid losing you. That would be a sure fire route to a messy break up. I think you have to consider whether continuing as you are is enough for you, and if not, end it.

I find it hard to understand why you want your children to live with a man who does not want to live with them. He wants a girlfriend but you want a husband. Nothing wrong with you wanting different things, but I cannot see how living together will bring anybody happiness. He seems much more realistic about himself than you give him credit for.

He sounds like he is very supportive, your kids like him. He is able to do all the things he does because he has a place to retreat to. Only you know whether the hurt you would cause by breaking up would be worth it. I would also wonder how realistic it is to find someone with his qualities that you would want to marry and have children with.

I think there is two sides to this, on one side what you want is normal and acceptable, however the point missing is so is what he wants, and his needs can't be swept under the carpet as your needs come first. Which is really what you're saying, you want more so even though he doesn't, you'll give him an ultimatum and ride rough shod over what he wants in an attempt to get what you want as you know he doesn't want to split up,.

I'd advise you sit down and talk, properly, and try to understand each other. Forcing his hand isn't right. Both of you have a right to have your needs met. Not just you.

He has told you he doesn't want to buy a house, incase you split up, so he is being honest with you about the future, you've chosen not to listen to him. (Until this thread). So I don't get all the "he's using you".

You are right to have a break from him and look at your options.

Time for a cards on the table situation: "I want is to move in and I was originally under the impression that this is what you wanted, too. It's just that everytime I bring up moving in together you seem to be stalling. So I was wondering if there is something holding you back."
Be very direct but non-confrontational. It sounds like you two have a great relationship and at the very least it deserves a crunch talk.

You say he has had some messy breakups, I think he is trying to protect himself and his assets. The comment about "what if we split up" does not mean he doesn't love you it tells me that he is worried about putting all his eggs in one basket then tripping up and dropping the basket!
He's 38 and obviously been round the block a few times he is being cautious based on his previous experience.
Tell him how you feel, that you feel unsettled and want to move forward in time as him to consider your feelings although you don't want to push it.
Does he like the idea of a baby or appalled at the thought of it? This could be putting him off! There are plenty of men who don't like the idea of babies and small children and see them as a huge disruption.

I was in exactly your position 4 years ago OP. He has his own dc, we looked at houses together etc, but no final commitment.

I'm still with the same guy, still thinking that one day he'll decide we can be properly together, still tear myself up on the days/nights he goes back to his own place.

If I could have seen my future self 4 years ago and had a severe word with myself about wasting over 7 years waiting for 'the right time' I'd have forced him to make a decision rather than torment myself for so long.

He needs to make a decision one way or another.

Or you need to decide if you're prepared to put up with his indecision and lack of commitment for the long-term.

(Goes off to finally issue ultimatum)

So is the ultimatum between All or Nothing? And if he doesn't want All, then he must not really love you?

If my partner issued an ultimatum, I'd have to choose All because I don't want to lose him. But is that a good way to start a life together?

No need to get hysterical about the word ultimatum people, in fact isn't a proposal from a guy also an ultimatum? If a guy asks you to marry him and you say no, the relationship often ends... Anyway that's beside the point. OP mumsnet is kind of harsh and black/white about all this. It's possible he is committment phobic and will never want more from you than he had now. It's also possible that he does want to eventually live with you etc but is just in no hurry, some guys grow up a lot later than others. My guy took nearly a decade to propose but we're all happy families now. You are in quite a common situation, what makes it tricky is the children.

You're going to have to have a serious chat but be clear with him WHY this isn't enough for you and watch your choice of words. 'Will you marry me? I would love to have your children and I would love to still be young-ish for them' is very different from 'I think we should get married' 'why don't you want to move in' etc etc. Don't let people get you too worked up.

Many, many men are unsure about having children until it happens. It's possible he doesn't really want a child, it's also possible that he's a pretty normal guy who hates change and thinks he has all the time in the world. Oscar Wilde said 'In my experience men never propose to women, it is invariably the other way around...'

I do know someone who told her guy 'Just so you know, I want to marry you and have your children, I won't mention it again but if you don't want that too then you should tell me because I can't see us lasting very long if we want different things.' He proposed 6 months later (but she is quite scary). In your case you could add something about it not being fair on the children / not wanting to raise your children to feel like a part-time family.

It is so difficult but try to stay calm, focus on your guy not what others like me tell you to think, and when you talk to him remember how much guys hate feeling told what to do.

Oh yeah and YANBU.

As it's nearly the end of Feb, you have a possible lead in with 'I know it's not a leap year but... I would love to be your wife... What do you think.'

I've had this too. Men are quite happy to come round for a meal and a shag, but they don't see me as a partner because of my kids.

Get rid.