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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ungrateful child

86 replies

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 23/02/2017 10:58

Daughter is at a dance workshop so said that younger son and I could go and see the new Batman film. Son excited, booked tickets for today.

When it came to getting near to leaving the house son starts moaning and saying that he can't be bothered and wants to stay at home. (He's 8)

I get really cross, walk away to calm down and come back and say he is being ungrateful that lots of kids would love to have a treat like this and that we are no longer going and that he is to leave me alone for the next three hours.

Backstory is that he never wants to leave the house and is always whining when we leave it - it's like being under house arrest. I just thought it would be nice to do something fun together as we have been in the house a bit and daughter is having a treat at the workshop.

AIBU in not dragging him to the cinema?
Now passively aggressively hovering the house instead...

OP posts:

RitaMills · 23/02/2017 12:20

I cancelled a cinema trip (Lego Batman as well) because of DS(7) and his ungreatful attitude. So bad it was it has prompted DP and I to sit down and have a serious discussion about our parenting, I fear he's going to grow into a horrible entitled adult if we don't do something now. In my DS' case even his thousands of pounds worth of Lego was 'rubbish and boring'. So YANBU at all.

stoopido · 23/02/2017 12:21

My 9 year old son is like this. He is quite a homebody. We took him to see The Lion King at the Theatre and he was adamant from the outset he wouldn't like it. We got there and he wouldn't stop complaining to the point he sat back closed his eyes and pretended to sleep through it.

lozzylizzy · 23/02/2017 12:23

Ah my son was like it yesterday. I just said we was going and by the time we got off the bus to the museum he was fine and bucked up.

I just think sometimes they get lazy in the school holidays. I just say well we are going so you either let yourself enjoy it or we are going to have a miserable few hours

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 12:35

tempted to turn off the wifi and claim that it is broken...

Op please find your inner confidence to parent. You don't have to claim it is broken. You turn it off and you tell him you have done that as a consequence for his ungrateful behaviour.

Then visualise yourself unplugging so as no matter how he reacts it can upset/anger/annoy/trigger you. You are completely detached and the decision is made.

Then run your bath!

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 12:37

can not*

bumblingbovine49 · 23/02/2017 12:38

DS is like this A LOT but he will generally not "buck up" if I insist we go anyway and the whole trip is usually miserable

This is a ,really difficult one, in particular if you are only taking one child with you. If you are taking other children as well who want to go, then absolutely it is right to insist he goes and ignore any "whinging/being miserable" but if he is the only child going with you, it is very hard to insist that he goes when it will only be you an him so the whole thing gets quite miserable and intense no matter how "jolly" you try to be (in my experience with my DS)

If I had bought the tickets because he had said he wanted to go I would definitely have told him that he would need to pay for his ticket and would have let him stay home too. DS would not have cared about the money though, I would just do it to make me feel like he had some sort of natural consequence for being such a miserable so and so

sadie9 · 23/02/2017 12:44

It's better to use positivity and enthusiasm to encourage them to go on the trip, rather than threats. If you just go into a huff yourself that's just you being childish.
Say to yourself, I'll put 15mins into speaking in a calm voice, and telling them the good things they'll get out of it. Also useful is to give them an 'out' or an option to leave if they don't like it. So you could try saying something like 'we can leave after 15mins if it's boring...which of course wouldn't have happened if he was there. He'd have enjoyed himself. Yes, it's a tedious pain in the ass having to cajole and persuade and positively influence someone. He's not ungrateful he just can't be assed at the minute. If 3 of his friends were going, he'd have the clothes and shoes on and be running out the door.
Horrified to think someone would ignore or not speak to their child for 3hrs as a punishment. That's emotional abuse.
You have to always keep in your head the fact that you have to communicate with this person for the rest of your life, and not damage that relationship.
Most kids are like this aren't they? The event in the future sounds great, and I'll sign up to it. But when the hour comes to go, it's different and seems like a pain in the ass. I'm sure we've all been there. You tell your friend you'll go to some class with her, then come the cold winter Monday night you make up an excuse.
Better to expect that this will happen with kids and trips as they get older. Handy also to remind them of the event as it's coming up because sometimes you remember it's happening tomorrow at 3pm but they have completely forgotten so it's 'sprung' on them.
They do take more cajoling and persuading, but it's worth it.
And then if they refuse to do something, don't keep throwing it their faces for the rest of the day/week either. 'Oh you wouldn't be bored if you'd come to Batman with me, but oh no, that' wouldn't do you, would it....after all I do for you, blah, blah, guilt trip, etc. etc..'. He shouldn't have to pay for the tickets unless he actually asked for tickets to go to see this film. Otherwise it was your idea that he seemed to go along with.
Oh this MN is great, you can pretend to be perfect parent while advising others!!

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 12:49

Horrified to think someone would ignore or not speak to their child for 3hrs as a punishment. That's emotional abuse.

That is not emotional abuse and what a horrible way to devalue the experience of children who sustain true emotional abuse.

Silly comment.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/02/2017 12:52

You told your child he has to leave you alone for 3 hours?

I think you are projecting your feelings onto him. You thought it would be nice to go out, you would have considered this a treat when you were younger. Your child has a personality that is separate from yours and he is allowed to be a homebody if that's his preference.

However, I would have told him we were going. He probably would have enjoyed it once you were there. I certainly wouldn't have thrown a strop telling him to leave me alone for 3 hours.

My DD can be a homebody, as am I. We compromise at weekends. If she really really doesn't want to go out (and it's no where much) one of us will stay at home. If it's somewhere we know that, despite her moaning, she will enjoy once we get there, we tell her she is going and let her get on with it.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/02/2017 12:53

"Emotional abuse is the ongoing emotional maltreatment or emotional neglect of a child. It's sometimes called psychological abuse and can seriously damage a child's emotional health and development. Emotional abuse can involve deliberately trying to scare or humiliate a child or isolating or ignoring them."

Think you'll find it does fit under the definition of emotional abuse. Said by someone who was emotionally abused worse than this.

Hatemylifenow · 23/02/2017 12:55

You should have just taken him anyway, I bet he would have enjoyed it once you got him out. My brother was awful for this, could never be bothered to do anything or go anywhere but once you got him out he always had fun.

That's part of being a parent, you're meant to know best! You don't have to let him control you.

bigearsthethird · 23/02/2017 12:56

I have one of these at the moment too. If the tickets were bought I would have made mine go, whether he liked it or not as I know he would have a good time once out. If it got to the point where I got too frazzeld with him and ended up ripping the tickets up or something and shouting - 'right thats it! we're not going, ever!' I'd have banned whatever housebound activity he was planning on doing instead! And probably dragged him food shopping which he really hates.

My DS always says he doesnt want to go places, but once there he always has the best time! But he does have a bit of a can't be bothered attitude alot of the time at the moment (hes 11) which infuriates me, but thats another matter! I'm hoping its a phase

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 12:58

Yes, if this behaviour was sustained it would become emotional abuse over time. One stand alone incident where the parent comes to a parenting forum for advice about their knee jerk reaction does not an emotional abuser make.

It's twatty opinions like this that put parents off seeking help when they feel that are running off course.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 12:59

"Emotional abuse is the ongoing emotional maltreatment or emotional neglect of a child. It's sometimes called psychological abuse and can seriously damage a child's emotional health and development. Emotional abuse can involve deliberately trying to scare or humiliate a child or isolating or ignoring them."

Silverstreaks · 23/02/2017 13:03

Get him out of the house. He'll enjoy the movie and being somewhere else.
Parent up!

bumblingbovine49 · 23/02/2017 13:06

The thing is some children don't just cheer up when you make them go anyway. DS certainly doesn't .

I have tried that many times. In the end I have learned not to make suggestions of where to go as I have realised he will sometimes say yes even if he isn't really that keen (perhaps to please me and also perhaps he would like to spend some time with me) but that when it comes to it he decides he doesn't like it or want to go. Instead I ask him for suggestions of what he would like to do with me for a treat. That tends to work much better.

Hatemylifenow · 23/02/2017 13:09

When you're in a family you have to sometimes do things you don't want to be fair to other people, I think that's a good lesson to learn.

Isadora2007 · 23/02/2017 13:09

YABU for several reasons.

One. You say you thought it would be nice to spend time. Did he? Did you ask? If you asked and he said yes, then he should have been reminded yesterday and then this morning. When he said he didn't want to go any more you should have said "that's a shame because the tickets are booked so we are going". If he still said No then he should have been given the choice to pay for the tickets out his pocket money and not go or to go as planned.
That way had he chosen to pay then he was accepting some form of consequence for his decision. This way he has had stupid huffy passive aggressive behaviour modelled by his mum and he has still gotten "what he wanted"- a day of peace to be on minecraft/YouTube whatever.
Weird and fuzzy boundaried parenting.

grannytomine · 23/02/2017 13:10

I'd have been relieved when mine were that age. I still feel the horror of sitting through Power Rangers years ago, I'd have paid not to go to be honest with you.

Is he just tired? I look after GC some days and the younger one is 9 and I think he really needs to relax for half term as he is on his last legs by the time it comes round. School, tutor, football, swimming, he hardly get a minute.

Giddyaunt18 · 23/02/2017 13:12

If you'd already booked the tickets I would have made him go! 8 year olds don't get to dictate!

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon · 23/02/2017 13:23

I think you were very harsh and childish to boot. You're the parent, if you say it's time to go out, go out. Your son may not have been enthusiastic but should do as you day at 8 years old. To then ignore him for 3 hours as punishment for you failing to parent properly is pathetic frankly. And to top it all off you punish him further with 2 weeks of no pocket money - did you even warn him when he said that he didn't wasn't to go that this would be the consequence ?!

You sound out of your depth, good luck when your kids are teenagers

StickyMouse · 23/02/2017 13:34

I had this with cinema too, I just said that the tickets are booked, we cant cancel so we are going. we went and it was fun.

Tell DS if you don't go he isn't palying on tablet/computer or watching TV in that time as a punishment for the waste of money on tickets and suggest a chore that he hates doing?

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/02/2017 13:35

God, DS1 is like this. He is 11 and has sulking down to a fine art. I made him go for a walk with me yesterday and he sulked for the whole hour. I was on the verge of saying I wouldn't take him again and then realised that was exactly what he wanted.

I have decided that if he sulks during a walk I will ignore him and not let it wind me up. He needs to get out of the house sometimes and since I am the parent it is up to me to make sure he does.

As for your AIBU, I would have made him go to the cinema and tried my best to enjoy myself in spite of him.

BTW, I fell asleep during the Lego Batman film and so you're not missing much!

scorpio1981 · 23/02/2017 13:46

Unless he was genuinely ill, I wouldn't tolerate being dictated to by an 8 year old especially when he showed initial enthusiasm for going. At 8 he should do what he's told otherwise come puberty and all those horrible hormones, you're going to have a real fight on your hands. Kids, dogs, horses and husbands need to know the rules of the house.

Topseyt · 23/02/2017 13:48

Crikey, if I had already booked and paid for the tickets I would have ignored his whinging totally and made him go. Dragged kicking and screaming if necessary. Anything else is giving him what he is angling for.

He shouldn't get to dictate, having already indicated that he was keen to go to the film.

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