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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is MIL

64 replies

happybeeisgoingcrazy · 23/02/2017 09:04

First of I'm not British and even after 17 years here still get things wrong, so please go easy on me.

My MIL says I am beibg rude for not sending my SIL a birthday card. I don't think I am given how she has insulted me over the years. DH is stuck in the middle.

MIL believes you give a card to a person if the even requires a card regardless of the relationship between people.

In my culture everything is shared amoung the village. Giving a gift is considered to be something done as a sign of love and respect. Any gift regardless of value is only ever accepted with great thanks. Normally food is given as thanks to share when you next see each other( food is not given as a gift unless it is an indulgence). If you don't want a relationship with a person you return the gift. If you accept the gift and don't thank the person you are implying you deserve what has been given because you are better then the giver and that you want to insult that person publicly.

In the past two years ( disputes countless efforts on our side) we have had no contact with BIL and SIL. I have never met my niece and the have never met my new baby. I have however over the two years I have sent presents and cards for all the holidays and birthdays. I have never had a Thank you once. Not even a text and that's all I've asked for, so I don't feel like being insulted again and refuse to send anything. AIBU?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 23/02/2017 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeyOaty · 23/02/2017 09:08

Your husband should be doing the cards and gifts for his family. Why doesn't he?

DartmoorDoughnut · 23/02/2017 09:09

Why is it up to you? It's your DH's sister so he should be the one sending the stupid card

BevGoldbergsSister · 23/02/2017 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/02/2017 09:09

Your IBU, irrespective of culture your sil is rude. But it should also be your dh who she approached not you as it is his sister

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/02/2017 09:10

^ your MIL IBU, sorry I missed the mil bit there Blush

Bluntness100 · 23/02/2017 09:12

Does you sister in law send you cards?

BaconMaker · 23/02/2017 09:13

YANBU why on earth would you send a card to someone you have no contact with? She was vey rude not to thank you for gifts you have sent. If she didn't want them she should have said "thanks but I'd rather not receive gifts in the future". Just accepting them and saying nothing is very rude.

Also My SiL and I get on fairly well but don't bother doing cards for birthdays. MiL is being ridiculous.

ladymariner · 23/02/2017 09:14

I don't necessarily agree with all the 'his family, therefore he has to deal with anything to do with them' mentality on MN, I tend to think you should do whatever suits you as a couple, but in your case, no way would I be sending anything else. They've been staggeringly rude, so I would say enough is enough. If your dh wants to send stuff then fine, leave him to do it.
And explain to mil, if she asks, why you're no longer sending anything.

WatchingFromTheWings · 23/02/2017 09:14

YANBU. I wouldn't bother with family members like that either. Infact last Christmas was dirt cheap for me due to having gone NC with nasty 'D'M and 'D'sis!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 23/02/2017 09:14

Your DH is not stuck in the middle because he should be the one sending gifts/cards.

It sounds as if you've been sucked into 'wifework'.

And no, YANBU, you should not feel obligated to send a card to someone who you don't like or who doesn't like or have time for you. MIL is probably trying to keep up the veneer of happy families. Flowers

Lima1 · 23/02/2017 09:15

You are dead right to refuse to send any more cards or gifts. The next time your MIL mentions it id tell her to take it up with your DH or better still tell him to contact her and to stop harassing you about this. You are definitely not BU

Bluebellevergreen · 23/02/2017 09:17

YANBU
First, if anything it should be up to your DH.
I am not British either and in my culture we dont do cards or thank you cards but I do them for my american friends as it is very big for them, and because I like them very much :-)

Original poster
happybeeisgoingcrazy · 23/02/2017 09:18

My husband is crap with dates lol. I'm still waiting for my wedding present from two years ago. I run the calendar and MIL knows this.
I'm not asking for a thank you card. If they bothered to talk to us and say thank you that would have been fine but after something that happened two years ago they won't talk to me but still text DH. All I want is a thank you text.
We always send gifts and cards for all but never get anything in return for anyone in the family but it is not expected given their attitude.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 23/02/2017 09:21

Do they send a thank you text to DH?

abbsisspartacus · 23/02/2017 09:23

Do they send YOU a birthday card?

If it was important to your dp he would remember

shovetheholly · 23/02/2017 09:23

I think you should make your own decision as a couple about presents and cards - it's none of your MIL's business and she needs to butt out!

I agree with PPs that any issues should be raised with your DH. Being 'crap with the calendar' is a treatable condition.

strawberryblossom · 23/02/2017 09:24

It's your DH's sister, it's got little to do with you. He should be sending the card.

If my MIL chastised me for not sending a member of DH's family a card I'd find it hard not to laugh in her face tbh. Ridiculous.

Original poster
happybeeisgoingcrazy · 23/02/2017 09:26

No. Even when DH has text to ask if gifts have arrived he has the response of "yes"

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 23/02/2017 09:27

They don't speak to you.

They don't thank you for gifts

They don't send gifts or cards to you on special ocassions

You're definitely NBU.

If your MIL says anything further tell her your DH is taking care of it and she should take it up with him. And from now regardless of how your husband can't arrange his calendar you look after your side of the family and people who care about you and he does his.

Does your DH remember dates important to him, does he make it work meetings on time and remember is own birthday? If yes he's not terrible with calendar arrangement or whatever, he's abdicated responsibility because you shoulder it and get the insults and arguments flung at you whilst he basks in the praise of you doing all the drudgery.

I help my dp choose gifts for his family, but he remembers dates and makes time and effort to buy personal gifts for them from us. Because they're his responsibility not an added chore for me.

PlumsGalore · 23/02/2017 09:28

I don't send birthday cards to my SIL and I quite like her, we are adults, there are lots of them on their side, we mutually CBA

I certainly wouldn't send one to someone I didn't like. Presumably she doesn't send them to you? so what does MIL make of that then?

Carry on, this isn't about different cultures, this is about your MIL being a PIA.

Sundance01 · 23/02/2017 09:28

Regardless of your relationship with anyone it is totally up to you whether to send a card or not.

I think cards are a complete waste of money so never send them to anyone even my nearest and dearest - except people in prison!

morningconstitutional2017 · 23/02/2017 09:28

I was married for 30 years and I have never sent a card to my now late husband's brother and wife. We're simply not very close and I don't expect them to send them to me either.
I send cards to my sister's husband as we're see them much more often.

I have to do so with MIL as she behaves like a 6 year old and likes to be the centre of attention

FarAwayHills · 23/02/2017 09:30

Does your MIL think that card and present organisation is wifework? Why do men think they have to be absolved of all responsibilities in this department? I think you ought to remind you MIL that it is DH that didn't send his sister a card and not you.

diddl · 23/02/2017 09:30

Up to your husband imo.

My husband does his Mum & Dad.

I have more time than him & would pcik up & post cards if he asked, but I don't see it as down to me to sort out.

He managed from when he was first old enough until he was 30 when I met him-there was no reason for him to stop managing!

Just as I managed my families birthdays until I met him!
(and still do, of course!)