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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is MIL

64 replies

happybeeisgoingcrazy · 23/02/2017 09:04

First of I'm not British and even after 17 years here still get things wrong, so please go easy on me.

My MIL says I am beibg rude for not sending my SIL a birthday card. I don't think I am given how she has insulted me over the years. DH is stuck in the middle.

MIL believes you give a card to a person if the even requires a card regardless of the relationship between people.

In my culture everything is shared amoung the village. Giving a gift is considered to be something done as a sign of love and respect. Any gift regardless of value is only ever accepted with great thanks. Normally food is given as thanks to share when you next see each other( food is not given as a gift unless it is an indulgence). If you don't want a relationship with a person you return the gift. If you accept the gift and don't thank the person you are implying you deserve what has been given because you are better then the giver and that you want to insult that person publicly.

In the past two years ( disputes countless efforts on our side) we have had no contact with BIL and SIL. I have never met my niece and the have never met my new baby. I have however over the two years I have sent presents and cards for all the holidays and birthdays. I have never had a Thank you once. Not even a text and that's all I've asked for, so I don't feel like being insulted again and refuse to send anything. AIBU?

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/02/2017 09:32

You most certainly, are not being unreasonable.
Stand your ground OP.
Your MIL, is over invested in your decisions.

ToastDemon · 23/02/2017 09:32

I don't send any cards to DH family and I like them fine.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/02/2017 09:32

Your MIL is being unreasonable.
Your DH should do it, not you, regardless of how "crap" he is with dates. If he doesn't care enough to remember, then there's no reason you should.
I absolutely do not expect my DH to remember any of my family's birthday, or do anything about it.
I do expect him to deal with his own mother's birthday, however, I deal with it too from the point of view of our DC, because DH wouldn't even think of this. But I wouldn't send her a separate card from me.
DH has a brother but no one apart from his mother bothers with him (looong story, not interesting here) and I would Very Strongly Resist any idea that I "should" be doing anything for him.

It probably would make a difference if it was clear whether or not your SIL sends you a card for your birthday - if she does, then you probably ought to make sure that your DH sends her one. If not, then fuckit, not your problem.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/02/2017 09:33

Car seats are not some sort of new fangled invention. I was in a car seat when I was a baby/toddler in late 80s followed by booster seat.

If she really thinks car seats are dangerous then no, I wouldn't trust her to take DS out in a car. No way.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/02/2017 09:33

SOrry posted on wrong thread!

Aderyn2016 · 23/02/2017 09:35

It really is none of your mil's business whether you send cards or not. If she wants to complain about manners, perhaps she can start with your sil, who never thanks you!

I think some blunt speaking is in order. Firstly to tell your mil that she is overstepping and needs to mind her own business and also that it is not your job to manage relations with your husband's family. It is his sister, not yours. You are not obliged to put up with your mil bossing you around.

I would not send cards/gifts to people I don't like and have no genuine relationship with.

CityMole · 23/02/2017 09:36

Tell your MIL to stop being an interfering old cow!

It's not your job to send this card, even if you were close to her. Get your H to tell his mother to butt out.

Huldra · 23/02/2017 09:36

I'm British.

Why is she saying you are rude and not her son ? OK you may be the one who writes the dates down but he is capable of knowing roughly when his sister was born and looking at the calendar. However you divide up the work between you , if anyone is actually rude HE is.
Cards are going out of fashion, the only people I send them to are the older generation. I also don't receive them from siblings, friends or inlaws.
Card giving is a 2 way thing. If you don't get one from them as a couple it's fine not to give one back.
None of it is your mil's concern.

FetchezLaVache · 23/02/2017 09:37

Your MIL is BU, simply on the basis that she thinks that sending birthday cards is your job cos you're a woman. She rises to VVVVVU by sticking her oar in when it's clear you don't have a relationship with SIL.

Frankfurterwuerstchen · 23/02/2017 09:48

YANBU. I don't consider it to be my responsibility to send gifts/cards to my inlaws. No more than I would consider it DHs responsibility to send them to my relatives.
I have never sent a card to my SIL or BIL (I can't stand SIL but get on ok with BIL most of the time) yet I get an annual reminder of their birthdays from MIL which I pass on to DH.
We don't get birthday cards from them but even if we did it wouldn't be my responsibility to send them something on their birthdays!!

Original poster

happybeeisgoingcrazy · 23/02/2017 09:55

My husband has the option to pick a card out the box if he wants. I think he's just as fed up with their attitude. MIL expects me to send expensive cards. 3 cards with "Auntie" on the front ( 1 from each child) and 2 with "Sister" on. I refuse to send any. Hubby can pick on from the box if he likes. MIL has a habit of adding the line " that's how we do it in the UK" at the end of things. I think I need to put my foot down when she comes by later and asked for "The Cards"

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2017 10:01

"We always send gifts and cards for all but never get anything in return for anyone in the family"
So your MIL wants you to send birthday cards to her daughter - but is presumably OK with her daughter not sending cards to her DIL? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Your MIL is being unreasonable, and if she brought it up with me again I'd be pointedly asking her whether she gives SIL the same shit she's giving you. I'd also be leaving all card-sending to your husband's family to your husband. If he didn't send cards before marrying you, they should accept that they're not getting cards after he married you. You are not his social secretary.

"MIL believes you give a card to a person if the even requires a card regardless of the relationship between people."
That may well be her opinion - it is far from a universal opinion. In my opinion, sending cards to someone you don't get on with is bizarre.

Clutterbugsmum · 23/02/2017 10:02

Next time MIL brings up about you not sending the cards/present. Tell her it's a shame she didn't bring her children up with the same requirements. That you and your family haven't received anything from SIL in X years so you are not wasting your money anymore and that her Son is welcome to do whatever he wishes with his family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2017 10:07

Cross-posted.

"MIL has a habit of adding the line " that's how we do it in the UK""
Well isn't she the passive-aggressive one, trying to hoodwink you into thinking you're committing some sort of cultural faux-pas! 'We' do no such thing in the UK because 'we' are a disparate bunch of people. 'She' does it that way, and 'she' is an arse.

Seriously, she's a bullying pain in the arse. If she wants to talk manners, she can explain why her daughter has NONE. Down to her poor upbringing, I'd say ...

Mountainsofmothermadness · 23/02/2017 10:08

We sort out cards/presents for our sides of the family although they are from both of us. I sometimes remind otherhalf but its his job to sort out that side

Archimandrite · 23/02/2017 10:08

It's absolutely nothing to do with your MIL imo. I can't imagine telling my DD to send a card to her SIL, never mind my son-in-law.

If your SIL is rude and unpleasant to you why on earth would you/should you send her a card! YANBU

WateryTart · 23/02/2017 10:13

Don't send anything. SiL is a rude cow and MiL isn't much better.

That's not how we do it in the UK, she's deluded.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 23/02/2017 10:28

I like my SIL and MIL. I've never once organised a card or gift for them though. That's my husband's job.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/02/2017 10:40

MIL expects me to send expensive cards. 3 cards with "Auntie" on the front ( 1 from each child) and 2 with "Sister" on.

Even though SIL hasn't ever responded to your gifts and cards, wow. MIL is wrong to badger you.
Don't kill trees to send your SIL multiple cards.
As MIL is so keen on teaching you our quaint ways why not say next time she prompts you, I believe in the UK the expression is, "Jog on".

Penfold007 · 23/02/2017 10:49

So MIL it's how everyone in the UK does it except your own daughter - interesting. MIL is deluded

BenguinsMummy · 23/02/2017 12:20

MIL has a habit of adding the line " that's how we do it in the UK" at the end of things

That comment from your MIL really boils my piss... It's how she does it... My family certainly doesn't and I usually end up with a very nice text when I send cards or gifts and send thanks when I receive cards or gifts for myself/DH/DS!

I'll lend you my steel spine OP, put your foot down... It's not your responsibility to send cards to your DH family, only to not even receive a simple thank you... Manners cost them nothing....

grannytomine · 23/02/2017 12:27

Does your MIL know her daughter doesn't send cards or gifts? If not tell her and ask her why that is OK for daughter but not for you. Blood cheeky cow.

Original poster

happybeeisgoingcrazy · 23/02/2017 13:04

MIL knows we don't get cards or gifts as she is the one who does the "deliveries" as she puts it. She has turned up to collect cards for my SIL and told her we didn't have any DH dug a cheap one out the box. I have now apparently ruined SIL birthday. It's also my sons birthday today but no mention of the fact that no cards were sent for him.

OP posts:

BenguinsMummy · 23/02/2017 13:16

Well done OP, I'd like to be one of the first to congratulate you on your first step towards remedying what I call "batshit crazy grabby attention seeking behaviour" I bet that felt great didn't it

Another thing for your MIL to consider is not the cost of things, but the value of them... A cheap handwritten card means more to me that any expensive gift ever will, because thought, not money has gone into it.... Ruined SIL's birthday with a cheap card.... What a special snowflake she is

Gottagetmoving · 23/02/2017 13:18

You should send cards to people you want to send cards to. No one else can tell you who that should be.
Some of my family send cards to everyone, others never send any but this doesn't cause the senders not to send to the non senders...and no one seems to mind at all.
My DP sends cards to his family from us both and I send to mine from us both. Most of us stopped sending Christmas cards years ago.

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