Aibu or is MIL

[happybeeisgoingcrazy]

First of I'm not British and even after 17 years here still get things wrong, so please go easy on me.

My MIL says I am beibg rude for not sending my SIL a birthday card. I don't think I am given how she has insulted me over the years. DH is stuck in the middle.

MIL believes you give a card to a person if the even requires a card regardless of the relationship between people.

In my culture everything is shared amoung the village. Giving a gift is considered to be something done as a sign of love and respect. Any gift regardless of value is only ever accepted with great thanks. Normally food is given as thanks to share when you next see each other( food is not given as a gift unless it is an indulgence). If you don't want a relationship with a person you return the gift. If you accept the gift and don't thank the person you are implying you deserve what has been given because you are better then the giver and that you want to insult that person publicly.

In the past two years ( disputes countless efforts on our side) we have had no contact with BIL and SIL. I have never met my niece and the have never met my new baby. I have however over the two years I have sent presents and cards for all the holidays and birthdays. I have never had a Thank you once. Not even a text and that's all I've asked for, so I don't feel like being insulted again and refuse to send anything. AIBU?

Your MIL is deluded if she thinks we all do this in the UK.

I only send cards to people I like, I've also always left DP's family to him to sort out, and I don't expect him to sort out my family.

And since MIL/SIL are the ones being rude here, not even a brief thanks by text, they can most definitely jog on

Your MIL is being unreasonable for a number of reasons.

1. sending cards and presents isn't womans work
2. you don't send cards and presents to ungrateful adults who don't reciprocate or even want a relationship
3. Just cause she wants to pander to her daughter doesn't mean everyone else should.
4. She bloody crakers, and needs to keep her beak out.

I would ask her where you Ds's card and present are from SIL, see why she thinks all this gift and card giving is supposed to be a one way thing.

I would love to say I feel great and empowered but I don't. MIL was really upset and I don't like making others feel bad. I am also really angry at my MIL for what she has done. I've been made to feel like the bad guy for years because of my "strange foreign ways" but I think my MIL might just have some other issues with me.

I think your MIL most DEFINITELY has some issues with you outside of this.

She is completely lying about the 'social convention' in sending/receiving cards and gifts from family members. She's effectively manipulating/abusing you and your husband needs to grow a set and quickly.

I am really tempted to ask your MIL's ethnicity. Sounds like she's going so 'over the top' with the supposed 'Britishness', that its a form of over-compensation and a golden opportunity for her to abuse you, as someone who has 'only' been here for 17 years.

Don't let her do this. She is wrong on every level. Get your husband to grow a set. My sympathies are with you x

It's not your fault she's upset.

But I do think you need to stop doing this completely- no more organising cards, gifts, nada

Thats how we do it in the UK. Your mil doesn't like you and I suspect a lot of that is because you're from another culture. She's picking on a trivial issue as an opportunity to have a go at you. She can fuck right off. Life is too short for this.
My dh isn't British and we lived in his country when we were first married. My mil loved calling me up to tell me about little customs I needed to abide by. I remember just before the wedding she told me it was their tradition that the bride buy the groom pyjamas for the wedding night, so I did! She conveniently forgot to mention all the things the grooms family were meant to do, but friends told me. There was other stuff she complained about me not doing and I just completely stopped doing any of that crap as I got so sick of her picking faults when I was trying my best.

I'd be telling her if she's that upset any doesn't she send cards to us with all the stipulations you've mentioned!! I agree we probably do thibgs differently here from your explanation, but it isn't one sided!

It's also my sons birthday today but no mention of the fact that no cards were sent for him.

Why not? If things are left unsaid then nothing will change.

Like FUCK would I be messing around sorting cards for someone who treated me badly. If my husband wanted to that's up to him.

Stay strong, OP. You've made the important first move. No cards or presents unless they send to you from now on. Pass MiL the tissues if she starts and leave the room.

I agree with the others. There is no British convention for sending cards to people who treat you like shit, regardless. Your MIL is manipulating you. Point out the lack of card for your son. Point out the general lack of cards from your SIL. Ask you MIL why it should be one rule for you and one rule for SIL. Ask he why it's your responsibility and not your husbands.

I'd tell her where to go to be honest. Your MIL clearly has a massive problem with you that goes way beyond cards and gits.

What happened 2 years ago?

It's also my sons birthday today but no mention of the fact that no cards were sent for him.
Coming back to the thread and reading this I really don't think MIL or SIL have the moral high ground here so please don't fall for any 'ruined SIL's birthday' guff.

If DH wants to fall in line and keep dancing to MIL's tune so be it. He should take on responsibility for empty gesture cards if that's important to him.

You have settled in his country and live close to his family so although he might take that for granted by now it's a pretty big concession, suppose you had said you'd rather move to your homeland?
It is sad the younger generation can't even meet while this sort of thing rages on.