Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DH following me to bed.

76 replies

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 22:30

I probably am BU but it just irritates me daily. I can be really tired and at 9.30 will say I'm off to bed, DH "yep me too". Or it can be 11.30 and he will sit until I say I'm going to bed then say "yep me too". Same goes for 10, 11 or what ever o'clock it is.

Why can't he own his own bed time.

I would love 20 mins in bed alone or half an hour downstairs alone but it never fecking happens because he's THERE!

OP posts:

littlefrog3 · 22/02/2017 23:34

Should probably add, he no longer does those shifts (hasn't for 5+ years,) but he doesn't come to bed when I do now anyway. Most of the time he goes 1-2 hours before! Occasionally 2 hours after.

Lorrie3188 · 22/02/2017 23:37

Sorry just read your other responses and have seen that you have discussed it with him. Perhaps your alone time could be earlier in the evening? E.g, time in the bath or go to the bedroom to read a book whilst he watches a film? Then you can still have bedtime together.

Original poster

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 23:38

No we don't need separate beds. And I'm not wanting for every night to be going to bed at different times.

Just sometimes, occasionally, when the urge takes him.

OP posts:

BettyBaggins · 22/02/2017 23:42

I'll talk with him tomorrow. I can understand that he feels offended but he's not getting that I'm offended by him constantly not giving me space.....We've battled through worse.

You give me faith! My newish man person mentioned living together recently, we are old farts and both very independent. He snores like a fecker and gets up v early for work. I brought up the subject of always having a nice comfortable 2nd bedroom.

cherrytree63 · 22/02/2017 23:42

I'm ditching my divan tomorrow and buying a bed with legs so I can do the "ankle grab"!

2rebecca · 22/02/2017 23:48

I love going to bed together. If you don't want to chat or have sex can't you just lie in bed reading books or playing on widgets? I don't get why going on your own is important if you're not wanting to go straight to sleep. Is he an irritating person who won't stop wittering if he's in the same room as you?

user1477282676 · 22/02/2017 23:50

God. My DH nags me to come to bed when he goes. He needs more sleep than me though and he often goes at about 10.00pm...that's when I'm just getting started!

I'm usually happy watching something then and he whines about it!

MirriVan · 22/02/2017 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 23:52

2rebecca it does make a difference. Alone time is different to quiet time.

OP posts:

littlefrog3 · 22/02/2017 23:54

What Betty said ^ No shame in having separate bedrooms. Doesn't mean you are not in love, or you don't have sex, or you don't have a good marriage.

We have been conditioned into believing we should be sharing a bedroom and especially a bed. In actual fact, sharing a bed is not that much fun sometimes, and it can be way more comfortable, and a MUCH better night's sleep in your own bed; even your own room.

I have discovered many a couple who have been together 25-40 years+ who have had separate bedrooms for the last 2 decades or more. Happily married, soulmates, best friends. Still in love, still have sex, but they have their own space. Lack of sleep can be very detrimental to your health. And lack of privacy and 'me time' is not good either, which is what is happening with the OP. The sheer frustration comes out in her first post. She is massively irritated by her DH coming to bed at the same time as her every single night - saying 'he irritates me daily' and 'he is always THERE!' suggests she needs 'me time' desperately.

She really needs to talk to him about it, but how on earth can you say 'I don't want you coming to bed with me some nights?' No way is he not going to be hurt.

Original poster

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 23:58

Ooo littlefrog that sounds a bit pants taken out of contents.

He just irritates me at bed time because he's always there. I do quite like him the rest of the time

OP posts:

littlefrog3 · 23/02/2017 00:00

Is he an irritating person who won't stop wittering if he's in the same room as you?

2 rebecca I bet this is it. Sometimes, (not always,) my DH will put some shit on the tv that I don't wanna watch, so I put something on netflix on my laptop, or I start to read a book, or do something on the internet, so he can watch HIS programme.

Then a few minutes into his programme, he insists on gabbling on and he seems annoyed that I have my nose buried in my laptop or book. I say 'I thought you wanted to watch x, y, or z, and he says (all miffed and offended!) 'yeah, but I still want to chat!'

And men accuse US of being awkward and hard to fathom PMSL.

Original poster

acornsandnuts · 23/02/2017 00:02

Nope. Doesn't say much. He's just there.

I'm not doing myself any favors here am I???

OP posts:

littlefrog3 · 23/02/2017 00:03

Yeah I know hun, that he doesn't irritate you ALL the time, but he does at night most of the time......... so you need to address it.

Talk to him.

Not sure how he is gonna take it though. Men get very offended at being told they are being irritating! A lot more than women do I think. I find there are a lot more women who get irritated by their men, than there are men who get irritated by their women. Odd that.

BettyBaggins · 23/02/2017 00:05

This might be handy... www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/3-big-secrets-extroverts-who-married-introverts-need-to-know.html

Original poster

acornsandnuts · 23/02/2017 00:09

betty just skimmed that article but it looks really helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:

BettyBaggins · 23/02/2017 00:13

I just gave google a little search for introvert wife extrovert husband. From all the great feedback you've had here it's clear that some people would take our need for solitude at times quite personally and it's probably only fair to try and reassure your DH after the ankle grab which is still making me giggle

kel1234 · 23/02/2017 00:16

We always go to bed together. Well I'm always in bed waiting, he takes forever 5/10 minutes to have a cigarette and stuff, then come up.
We hardly see each other as it is with him working long hours, if we didn't go to bed at the same time it'd be even worse

SpangledShambles · 23/02/2017 00:21

I feel your pain OP, as this was my scenario exactly. He used to come up immediately I did, however stealthily I would creep up. It was annoying because I wanted some quiet, comfy reading time in bed and the minute he came in he would insist on either dtd or having the lights off immediately, whatever my thoughts on either matter.

I should add here that I'm in a poor position to join the discussion as he's now my Ex There are ups and downs in that but the joy of my own peaceful bedroom is one of the ups. Different if you're with someone who likes similar things at similar times though - that must be lovely.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/02/2017 00:22

"My DH won't go to the shops alone, or the doctor alone"

This is just awful. He needs therapy if he can't do basic things on his own.

Saracen · 23/02/2017 00:30

"We've been married 15 years but it's getting worse as we're getting older.
Probably a bit of me wanting more space and him being more needy."

As you see this becoming worse over time, you really need to tackle it. Many people are driven crazy by this dynamic when they retire.

My dh and my older daughter both thrive on being with people, and I am the opposite. I find that one good way to keep them happy without them hanging off me all the time is to keep encouraging them to spend time with other people, so we can all get our needs met.

Does your dh have any hobbies he'd like to do with other people while you enjoy a blissful evening of solitude? Would he like to go out to the pub with a friend he hasn't seen for a while? Could you encourage him to ring friends and relatives for a nice long natter? My dh loves that. He never takes the initiative but always enjoys a chat if the opportunity presents itself. I have even been known to ring one of his relatives, have a ten-minute chat with them, and then call dh to the phone for "his turn" which usually lasts for 30 or 40 minutes. It works a treat.

littlefrog3 · 23/02/2017 00:55

"My DH won't go to the shops alone, or the doctor alone"

This is just awful. He needs therapy if he can't do basic things on his own.

Oh he can do basic things on his own; he's not incapable....., he will if he has to; he just doesn't want to. He is rather clingy and likes someone there 'for the company' Whereas I like to be alone more than he does. It can be wearing, but we have plenty of time apart when he is at work (I work a lot from home.) When we retire though........ well I will cross that bridge when I come to it!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/02/2017 07:30

But this isn't about bedtime or going to bed together -- it's about the OP feeling that her DH has no autonomy. If he's tired, he won't go to bed until OP does. If he's not tired, he'll still go to bed when she does.

After a while, that would reallllllllly irritate me because I'd feel I allmost had to manage his bedtimes as well as my own.

Chinnygirl · 23/02/2017 07:56

We have a cuddle when one of us goes to bed abd then sleep seperately. But then we don't sleep well together. I love it and totally get the need for alone time. DP has it too. Once in a while he tells me he is going to do some nerd stuff on the computer and he dissapears for hours.

Original poster

acornsandnuts · 23/02/2017 09:53

I'd feel I allmost had to manage his bedtimes as well as my own. This explains it very well.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4