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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH following me to bed.

76 replies

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 22:30

I probably am BU but it just irritates me daily. I can be really tired and at 9.30 will say I'm off to bed, DH "yep me too". Or it can be 11.30 and he will sit until I say I'm going to bed then say "yep me too". Same goes for 10, 11 or what ever o'clock it is.

Why can't he own his own bed time.

I would love 20 mins in bed alone or half an hour downstairs alone but it never fecking happens because he's THERE!

OP posts:
MeNeedSleep · 22/02/2017 22:53

Argh, newbie getting to the bathroom 1st really pisses me off if I've instigated bedtime first. He takes fucking ages!

ArriettyClock1 · 22/02/2017 22:53

Gosh, don't you like your hubby?

We always wait for each other and go up the stairs hand in hand.

Not really. I hate going to bed at the same time. Your dh would drive me nuts!

FairyDogMother11 · 22/02/2017 22:53

I always just say, "Now off to bed, no hurry for you, I'm going to read a couple of chapters of my book and chill quietly for a bit before you come up" - we never have an issue. Depends on him as to whether that works or not though Wink

FritzDonovan · 22/02/2017 22:55

OP do you snore? Grin I go to bed at the same time as dh because if he gets a head start he's like a chainsaw by the time I go up. Drives me insane (and into the spare room)!

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 22:55

I'm quite introvert where as he loves company so I guess it's why this is a bit of a clash. He hates being alone where as I recharge on my solitude.

Well I guess I should LTB Smile

OP posts:
iremembericod · 22/02/2017 22:55

LTB

It's obvious

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 22:57

No no snoring. DH sleeps like a professional. Nothing wakes him.

OP posts:
Beachedwh4le · 22/02/2017 22:58

dizzyfizzy that made me burst out laughing, I actually like my DH, despite it being frowned upon Grin

Waterlemon · 22/02/2017 22:59

I love having the sofa and tv to myself! Even if it's just half an hour!

JoJoSM2 · 22/02/2017 23:01

Just communicate your needs clearly. You're getting angry about something you haven't even mentioned to him.

My DH and I go to bed together - I think it's something that a lot of couples do.

marvelmummy13 · 22/02/2017 23:04

My OH follows me to bed we've always had the same bedtimes I love that he's so caring and loves to cuddle. I'd hate to be one of those couples who go to bed separately (my own opinion no offence to others) However occasionally I like to have 30 mins alone in bed to 'think' . I spoke to him about it the other month and said I love you and I love we go to bed at the same time so please dont change that but could I have 30 mins whilst you watch a programme or something. I told him it sometimes helps me relax and gather my thoughts. He said he understood and if I ever need the time just say as he didn't know. Moral: men can't read minds as much as we wish they could sometimes

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 23:05

I honestly don't think I should have to communicate to him that if he's tired just go to bed, not sit there for hours nodding like Churchill. Or equally if he is enjoying a Netflix movie, don't switch it off just because I want to go to bed.

We are not joined at the hip surely.

OP posts:
acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 23:07

Ouch marvemummy "one of those couples" Okaaaayyy

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 22/02/2017 23:07

YANBU at all! LTB but not before doing the ankle grab!

Seriously though this would be a massive deal for me. It's really important for introverts to have their down time, I can turn into a really grumpy rude old bag without it and would end up exploding and saying something I would regret. Can you explain that to him/share some online information with him that explains how jolly and rejuvenated we are if we get some solitude then he may not take it so personally.

Manchild indeed! Wink

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 23:11

betty that's exactly it. I have talked on many occasions to him of how I need the down time but I think it just falls in deaf ears. He's so happy in company he can't comprehend how stressed it makes me. And my little wish of a bedtime break has just put the cherry on top.

OP posts:
CarTrack · 22/02/2017 23:13

I hate it when DH comes to bed at the same time as me! I just like a bit of peace and space after being chased around by young children all day.

He often falls asleep on the sofa (like right now!) and I sneak out like a ninja, so I don't wake him up. Blush

2017SoFarSoGood · 22/02/2017 23:15

Marvel beautifully done. I rarely get that alone time anywhere, and do love the occasion when I 'get' to go to bed first that sounds like I need permission and just spread out and BE. The very few times I've actually said something mild like "perhaps I'll go up first while you watch something" the poor man has looked like I'm plotting running away from home. I need to just say it. Clearly. Thanks Acorns, this thread has been very helpful Grin

marvelmummy13 · 22/02/2017 23:15

Im sorry acornsandnuts I did put no offence intended and truly meant it. my parent, some friends and PIL do the same I am just not one of those couples . I am the annoying couple. I hope you understand I was simply offering an opinion of a way to make him stay away which Is what I thought you wanted lmao

BettyBaggins · 22/02/2017 23:22

Is he still off in his huff with the duvet? Are you spreading out in the middle of the bed, scoffing biscuits, picking your nose with a big grin on your face? Wink

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 23:30

betty he is. It's bliss, I'm off work tomorrow as well so I'm watching trash tv.

I'll talk with him tomorrow. I can understand that he feels offended but he's not getting that I'm offended by him constantly not giving me space.

We've been married 15 years but it's getting worse as we're getting older.
Probably a bit of me wanting more space and him being more needy. Hey ho. We've battled through worse.

OP posts:
JayneAusten · 22/02/2017 23:30

OMG this makes me feel more sane. I am exactly the same. If I go to bed first I try really hard not to alert him so I can get the bed to myself for a bit. If I say I'm going he will always say 'me too' and it's very annoying. I don't find sharing a bed very comfortable and I prefer us not to be doing the 'settling down' bit at the same time, plus I just need my space. Most nights I just make sure I out-last him. He cracks first and says he's going to bed. I say 'I'll be up in a minute' and he says 'Yeah right'. Then 2 hours later when I've read everything on Mumsnet I crawl into bed and he's sound asleep. I don't get enough sleep. I should be in bed now.

littlefrog3 · 22/02/2017 23:31

Dare I say it? Some men are super clingy. Don't know if this applies to the OP's DH or not. My DH won't go to the shops alone, or the doctor alone, or even to see one of our (adult) daughters alone. He always has to have me there. (Or sometimes someone else if I can't go!) I can go out alone all right and often do - or with someone else, but it's just that HE won't go out alone. Only to work!!!

He always used to do this 'coming to bed when I went' too, until he started working shifts about 15 years ago. (nights 10-8, and days 7-5, four days a week.) So when he was on nights I would stay up til midnight or later watching tv, then get into the big snuggly bed on my own til 9am when he came to bed bliss Grin

Then the next week he would be on 7-5 and often went to bed at 10 as he had to be up for work at 5.30am. So again, we had different bed times.

On the 3 days he was off we went together often (which I didn't mind because we didn't go together on 4 days of the week, so it was nice to go together sometimes at least.)

It has never bothered me that he often wanted to go to bed with me, but if it had have done, I am pretty sure that I would have told him.

It does seem odd to be so massively irked by your own husband just wanting to go to bed at the same time as you, but each to their own, a few things about my DH piss me off LOL. And I reckon some stuff about me does!

Can you not have separate rooms? Is that an option? I know it's taboo and some people think your relationship is defunct if you sleep apart, but that's a crock; some marriages have been saved by it.

Lorrie3188 · 22/02/2017 23:32

Aww, I have to say I think this is very sweet. I hate to go to bed alone, I do but I rarely actually go to sleep. I wait for my husband.

I think if you want alone time you should be honest about it.

acornsandnuts · 22/02/2017 23:33

I feel your pain jayne

OP posts:
ReasonsToBeModeratelyHappy · 22/02/2017 23:34

He lurves you - he totally does ;-D.

Seriously tho, he's not bad or wrong, many people like this sort of togetherness - if you want time to yourself, you need to talk calmly to him about it at another time (not as you try to escape him!). He clearly sees it as a sort of rejection, so you need to tell him that you are just wired a little differently to him, and want a bit of time alone, but it doesn't mean you love him any less.

Or you could try to figure out another point in the day to get alone time, and accept that bedtime cuddle. I'm not unsympathetic, I do like time to myself too, but I can see how he might feel also.

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