To be about to spontaneously combust in DH & SILs' general direction?

[WeiAnMeokEo]

DH and I have had a ridiculous year. Accidental pregnancy, move across continents to have baby, DH having to retrain to stay in UK, DH having to leave me and tiny baby for 6 weeks due to visa issues, me starting own business...

We live in a 2-bed flat and our baby is 8 months old. We can't afford to move because London. I have just about come out the other side of PND.

Since 1 month postnatal, PILs were pushing for SIL to come live with us while she studies. They are from a culture where this was an impossible request to refuse, but I staged a mini coup and managed to push it back til baby was 6 months.

SIL has a serious mental illness. It has become apparent that she is much more unwell than I or dh thought and will likely need to live with someone for the rest of her life. The course she wanted to do is impossible duemail to her MH, and she is unlikely to be able to hold down a regular job. Essentially, it looks like she'll be living with us long term.

I am totally up for caring for her. I would want to do the same if my sis was ill. But. But but but. I feel manipulated by PIL - again this is partly cultural but we have had no actual convo about this, I feel like they've just decided they don't want to care for her anymore and shipped her over to us. Her behaviour is really exhausting - she's my age, but mentally like a pre teen so after a day of childcare and before working into the early hours of the morning I feel like I'm basically doing more parenting (DH is mainly at uni til late). I have literally no time to myself, so while the will is honestly there to care for her I feel super overstretched and resentful. I know it's not her fault and I know firsthand how shitty MH can be...I just feel like I am running on empty as it is, with nothing more to give.

Help? Hand hold? AGH.

I kind of feel I did marry his family and his culture to some extent - just as he did mine! In a case like this, the principles of family looking after family whatever the personal cost, hierarchical family relationships and indirect communication are so deeply ingrained that just refusing would be really hurtful and damaging (and also unproductive!) His parents have made huge compromises with me from their point of view - for example, it would usually be expected for us to live with them and for me to look after them, do all cooking, cleaning etc while they give up work to take care of their grandchildren. I know they've lost a lot of face over this and it's been a wrench for them, but they've been vocally supportive of us nevertheless.

I've no desire to hurt them, and I feel like i need to meet them where they are on this rather than expecting them to come to me. That's not to say I'm not pushing for a solution - I am, I just need to be sensitive and empathetic to their needs. Sometimes this is a ball ache though, especially on no sleep and with a bajillion other responsibilities!

Former mental health nurse here. I've worked with young people who have come over from other countries with a list of psychiatric diagnoses and then, once they've been properly assessed here in the UK, it's become apparent that they have been misdiagnosed, over/under-medicated or on a treatment regimen that is actually doing them more harm than good. Realistically, your SIL is not going to be allowed to remain in the UK on a long term basis for reasons outlined by other posters but while she is with you I would ask PIL to pay for an assessment by a Private psychiatrist to explore her diagnosis and review her medication. This really is the least they could do since they have knowingly tricked you into this situation. There are a variety of antipsychotic medications available. The poor girl shouldn't have to go through life feeling as though she's wading through treacle when there will most likely be an alternative that can manage her symptoms without debilitating side effects.

If you are considering bringing a child up in a 2 bed flat with an adult with serious mental health problems that are not properly managed when coming out of PND yourself it becomes a child protection risk so you might want to acquaint yourself with uk child protection policy wrt mental illness.

You sound lovely op but surely wouldn't it be easier all round if you move to your dh's/pil's/sil's country where you have all their relatives to help?

What culture says you have to be bullied and manipulated and never say no?
Be assertive.

Hello OP,

The rules for staying in the U.K. are so strict now and I just don't see how she will get a visa. She will not be allowed go work so you can strike that idea out completely.

I totally understand the whole family duties and culture however, are you able to run a business, a baby and a mentally ill person whilst running a household?

I think you need to be honest with yourself and be realistic. It's just not possible and u will burn out. I think u need to tell DH this is all too much. Will u be able to move to a bigger place? Can u afford all the extra cost that will likely entail? Because u know at some point, the cost of her living expenses will fall down to u unless PILs are super rich.

Wei it'll be out of your hands whatever your dh and pils want. It seems your sil will not get any visa that allows her to stay for longer than one 6 month visitor stay which she's currently using up at the moment. What are you expected to do when that runs out?

Have your DH and ILs thought about what happens if your SiL nees to be hospitalised? Who is going to pay for that?

I would get dh and you too maybe to speak to his parents and make it absolutely clear that she Cannot get a visa and she cannot repeatedly fly into the UK for six months every year - customs will catch on to that very quickly. Just make the whole thing hinge on the UK's very strict immigration rules. They need to know that it's not a matter of any reluctance on your part but that it's legally IMPOSSIBLE for her to stay. I feel for everyone involved in this, it's very sad but her parents need to start thinking of any other options.

Unfortunately antipsychotic medication does make the person slow down and often feel as though they are not fully functioning. It's why so many stop taking them and why their symptoms relapse. Maybe she could be assessed here and get the best fit for meds for her which she can continue with at home?

Thanks yorksha, really good to have that insight. I have spoken to DH about the idea of a private assessment and therapy, and also about being realistic re: SIL not being able to stay. We'll need to gently put it to her and PIL and see what they say.

This thread has been really helpful to just get some things straight and out of my head, so thank you all. Will let you know how the convo goes xx

Haven't yet read the whole thread, just want to respond to this.

I also think border control would twig and potentially kick her out at Heathrow! I need to put this to them I think.

My MIL was from a country that is allowed to enter the UK for six months at a time, the third time in a 2 year period she tried to enter she was refused entry at Heathrow.

That's because you can only do 6 months of every 12 on visit visas. Still leaves quite a lot of time she might potentially be in the UK, though.

What did DH say OP? What does SIL think?

Does your sister in law feel she's entitled to stay with you like this?!

OK so that was quite productive! We've looked up private psychiatric help in London and SIL is keen to book an appointment for assessment, and to spend some time exploring therapy while she's here.

I think - without jinking it - that we managed to diplomatically get everyone on the same page vis a vis the impossibility of a visa. We showed SIL and PIL the government site whih spelled out the requirements she clearly doesnt meet, and said how sorry we were but we didn't want to offer her somewhere to stay when realistically we couldn't deliver on that promise.

Long term plans yet to be finalised but at least we can start having that converation now.

Thank you sage people!

Fantastic! That's a really good outcome. She may well get the support she needs without the insecurity for you and her.

That's great

That sounds very positive Wei. Good luck to you and your SiL as you move forward.

Well done- you sound like a good sister-in-law, just the only one who can be a bit realistic, which is not an easy place to be in a family.

This is one of the reasons that I am in favour of stricter immigration rules. "Sorry third cousin twice removed of DH, we would love to have you and your wife and 7 kids over for a 6 month visit but due to the new rules it really won't be possible".

Hope your SIL gets the right diagnosis and treatment OP. It can be very difficult to manage coming from a country where MH issues still hold a great stigma.

Culturally appropriate or not, this young woman is not your responsibility. It will be too much OP draw the line now.

What did your in laws say when you told them?