To be about to spontaneously combust in DH & SILs' general direction?

[WeiAnMeokEo]

DH and I have had a ridiculous year. Accidental pregnancy, move across continents to have baby, DH having to retrain to stay in UK, DH having to leave me and tiny baby for 6 weeks due to visa issues, me starting own business...

We live in a 2-bed flat and our baby is 8 months old. We can't afford to move because London. I have just about come out the other side of PND.

Since 1 month postnatal, PILs were pushing for SIL to come live with us while she studies. They are from a culture where this was an impossible request to refuse, but I staged a mini coup and managed to push it back til baby was 6 months.

SIL has a serious mental illness. It has become apparent that she is much more unwell than I or dh thought and will likely need to live with someone for the rest of her life. The course she wanted to do is impossible duemail to her MH, and she is unlikely to be able to hold down a regular job. Essentially, it looks like she'll be living with us long term.

I am totally up for caring for her. I would want to do the same if my sis was ill. But. But but but. I feel manipulated by PIL - again this is partly cultural but we have had no actual convo about this, I feel like they've just decided they don't want to care for her anymore and shipped her over to us. Her behaviour is really exhausting - she's my age, but mentally like a pre teen so after a day of childcare and before working into the early hours of the morning I feel like I'm basically doing more parenting (DH is mainly at uni til late). I have literally no time to myself, so while the will is honestly there to care for her I feel super overstretched and resentful. I know it's not her fault and I know firsthand how shitty MH can be...I just feel like I am running on empty as it is, with nothing more to give.

Help? Hand hold? AGH.

Has she been assessed? Talk to local MH team or LD team (if it's related) and get an assessment.

Does she even have the right to remain if she's not studying in the future?

You state that it is likely she will need to live with someone all her life.
How can you know this? With proper care and education in life skills it may be that she may be able to live independently?

However she is unlikely to receive this squatting with yourselves.

I think it's admirable that you are even considering trying to care for her in the longer term, especially as you have PND and a baby but you must be able to see that this won't do her any favours at all?

She needs a proper assessment and treatment for her needs and the best thing you can do for her is involve her GP and ?social worker about the next steps forward.

I would be worried about the attitude that your dh simply can't go against his parents. He can and must if his own wife and child are at stake.

I think you need to have a very serious talk with your DH where you make it clear that while you want to help his sister, that cannot be at the expense of your own health and the wellbeing of your child. What has he said about this so far? Hasn't he taken any time off to help his sister? It sounds like you've had to do it all.

I get the feeling the dh family are from the Indian subcontinent

As am I of course as well hence I recognise this

this is far beyond what anyone could cope with: a baby, a business and carer . and that you weren't consulted

your pil clearly aren't prepared to deal with the situation but really, they have to. she's not your responsibility.

how long does this language course last?

THER WIS NOTHING STOPPING YOUR DH SAYING NO!

Stop using culture as an excuse.
While you appear to have the best intentions you don't appear to have done any really research.
What careplan will she need?
How will you manage? Mentally, financially?
Can you fit her in?

While the gesture is nice you need to realise she is not your responsibility. You have to make you and your baby a priority.

Please stop using the culture card. It's what gullible people believe.

DH has his hands tied culturally, ie can't go against his parents in anything really,

But he can go against his wife and family?

Nonsense. Don't let any of the people involved hide behind this culture thing. Your sister in law needs help, and everyone is letting HER down by forcing this situation. The vulnerable ones are her, you, and your baby, so why are you letting your husband and his parents decide everything?

I would look for support for her without consultation with her parents.

I think before you worry too much about being manipulated by your PIL into long term care, you need to look at the visa situation and see if there is any realistic possibility of your fears coming true. If she isn't going to be able to get on an MA then when her English course finishes what is likely to happen if she has no MA place? Will everyone expect you to effectively support her as an illegal immigrant or will she be expected to keep to her visa terms and return home?

If the later I would be tempted to do a lot of nodding and smiling, but keep a very close ear to the ground to make sure you know what's going on in terms of vias/course application etc. Then when her English course finishes, send her home with promises to work on how to have her back - which you can do on your terms instead of feeling manipulated.

If she is likely to stay after her visa runs out I think you might need to kick up a fuss about that from your cultural perspective (I'm assuming from the way you talk about your DH that you are culturally British?) and start talking about what you need to make it work (if you are comfortable making it work at all in those circumstances), so that you can stop feeling manipulated and get some control back.

I'm suggesting these approaches because you say you want to ensure she's looked after but feel it's been dumped on you without you being able to ensure the situation works for everyone. I'm reading that as you not necessarily objecting to her living with you long term. If you don't want her with you long term I think you are going to have start putting your foot down and stop accepting his cultural norms as inviolable while your cultural norms are apparently irrelevant. Start now talking about how she needs to be looking for a flat for her MA because you only have a two bed place and once the baby is older it's totally inappropriate to have her living there. Start talking about the immorality of not treating her mental health seriously. Start talking about your need for more space. Or whatever norms this is violating that make it unacceptable to you.

Your responsibility is to your own child.

Your SIL is your in-laws responsibility if she is not an independent adult.

You HAVE to put your baby's welfare first- sod culture.

P.S. I was married to a man who immigranted here from India. It is totally possible to keep the boundaries you need without being insensitive to cultural differences.

I think you need to discuss this with the immigration authorities. Not only is this a dreadful imposition on you but it's probably illegal. Perhaps if she is returned to you PIL (and I am sorry for their predicament too) they can look for better support in her own country? If you worry about family of DH repercussions don't tell them and ask for their discretion

It sounds from your OP that she is already here? Did she get the visa?

It's all very well for your DP to be unable by to say no - he gets to stay at uni till late.

The longer this goes on for, the longer this becomes the norm.

You've got to say no, for you and your baby.

So lets say she can remain in this country. You said its something you want to do, even though it will impact on your child. How will you cope with 2 bedrooms? I think both you and DH are being completely irresponsible.

My dh, who has chronic mh issues, was at his worst when ds was tiny - noise, disrupted sleep and the rest. We have a small house so it was hard to get him much peace.

How about starting from considering what the ideal situation would be for your SIL? Then what she is legally entitled to? Just because your PIL have decided that living with family is the best option doesn't mean it is.

She'll be doing very well to get a work visa, and even if she does, it's not going to come to anything if she isn't actually capable of holding down employment.

What visa is she on currently OP, visitor?

You sound lovely but vulnerable and I'm sorry to say, you are being used.

Anyone with a flat in London would be seen as holding a golden egg.

Your business, your help in securing a visa for your overseas dh, your unplanned baby all points to a family intent on using you to better their own situation in securing a life in the UK.

There is absolutely no way you would be able to say no, in fact, it would also be your obligation to look after his ageing parents as well as his sister.

The problems will really begin for you when your baby starts to crawl and walk and need taking out because you won't be able to leave your baby with her and you won't be able to take your baby anywhere without her.

This would be putting you in an impossible situation as you won't be able to run your own business.

The visa situation is the only way you would be able to objectively stop this situation in its tracks. It's quite clear the family are planning on obtaining a visa for her illegally.

You have a strong conscience op so the fact that you know this is deception should help you.

Please let your own family know what an impossible situation your dh's family has put you in.

I would get very angry that they have taken such advantage of your good nature, kindness and generosity (and gullibility) and I would be looking at your dh in a different light as a result.

Your mental health is seriously at stake here as you are not trained in mental health and so is your baby is the innocent party in this nightmare.

Thanks for all your replies and sorry for not being clear. They are from Asia, though not Indian Subcontinent.

BoomBoom thanks for your advice...I feel like this might be the best approach. We are very much willing to have her WHEN WE CAN, just not now! She is a human in pain, and if the shoe were on the other foot I'don't want my husband to pull out all the stops for my sister too.

People from their country can come over for 6 months at a time with no visa, which PIL interpret as a free pass for her to spend half the year here going forward, until DH or I can sponsor her on a family visa. This - as you are rightly pointing out - is not sustainable and I don't think it's in anyone's interest. I also think border control would twig and potentially kick her out at Heathrow! I need to put this to them I think.

In terms of her MH assessment: her home country is still roughly where the UK was in the 50s in this regard. They wouldn't even tell her what her diagnosis was for fear of 'upsetting' her, and freely discuss her health with her parents and DH but not her. Similarly, she's been prescribed some pretty hefty tranquilisers without being told what they are or what the dosage is. It's shocking, and she's been totally infantilised which doesn't help her condition. No offer of therapy either: just 'take these pills to keep you quiet' kind of attitude. There is a huge stigma around MH in her home country which is partly why PIL were so keen for her to get a UK masters (saving them and her face) and also means that I think if we COULD look after her here, it might be of benefit (the NHS has its own issues, but at least they'll tell you what you have and what you're taking...)

She isn't getting sponsored on a family visa. Not from what you've said.

It is, however, a realistic possibility that she could be spending 6 months of every 12 here on visit visas, so you might have to plan for that. It's perfectly allowable and there are people who do it. She wouldn't be entitled to use the NHS on visit visas though.

I'd be getting DH to an immigration lawyer, stat.

As a visitor she can't use the NHS though so if she needs meds it has to paid for here. She could end up struggling to get in at any visit.

On a practical note, can I also point out that if she has a batchelor's degree from an Indian subcontinent university/college, she will NOT get on to a masters programme in the UK. The subcontinent programmes go little further than British A levels, and she would be expected to take an undergraduate degree first. Check the NARIC equivalencies online (NARIC)

Sorry, x-post, not Indian subcontinent. But still worth checking, degrees from many countries aren't the equivalent of a UK first degree.

She can enter for up to 6 months yes, but would still need to demonstrate to immigration on arrival that she is genuinely here as a visitor and intends to leave. She would not be entitled to NHS treatment or social services support. And your Dh would stand no chance sponsoring a sibling for a family visa anyway (parents generally can't even sponsor adult children) even if he wanted to! Time for a reality check for your PILs!