AIBU to be concerned about my neighbour's behaviour?

[LemonadeAndSchnapps]

This is going to be a long one! Sorry guys!

I've recently bought my first house with my husband and baby DD, and I've had problems with my neighbour from the start. At first we tried to be very neighbourly with our neighbours next door but they have started to try and become very involved in our lives. They constantly have opinions about how we live our lives and are very open about their opinions which are very judgemental.

The first indecent occurred when i was driving my DD over to my DM's before I went to work. The wife came over to me and informed me that babies "shouldn't be taken out in this weather". When I told her I had to get to work she told me "people like you don't have jobs". Not sure what this means! My DH and I both work full time and obviously won't be leaving our one year old at home while we are gone. DD was in a very comfy snow suit and so wasn't cold at all, and it was around 8 o'clock so she had already been awake for an hour at least!

She and her husband are constantly curtain twitching when we come home or have visitor and I can often hear them shouting things like "She has the baby this time" and "Now she has dogs with her" when I am going into my house!

Today I was just sat on my sofa playing with my daughter when her face appears pressed against my window! I waved at her but She didn't seem to notice me, so I opened the door and asked what she was doing. She told me she wanted to know who was in the house. When I said it was just me she started asking if my DH was home, when he was going to be home, who would be looking after DD, etc. At this point I made my excuses and closed the door.

AIBU to be concerned by their behaviour? I'm quite young and find this couple quite intimidating; we are both quite young and this couple are in their 40's - 50's with adult children. We bought this house so we didn't have to deal with landlords being so involved with our lives, and now we have a neighbour doing the same thing. We obviously don't want to alienate them as we live in a terrace house and think it might cause problems further down the line, but this couple seem to be watching our every move. So, mumsnet, what do you think we should do?

OP, what did she mean by "people like you don't have jobs"?

I'm asking because I've heard someone say this before about a young Asian woman. Utterly racist and horrible but it immediately sprung to mind when I read your post.

You need to be assertive with your neighbour.

Like a PP said, question why they're asking you these things. Tell them it's none of their business and if you find them on your property again then you'll take matters further

Does it seem to be only the woman doing the accosting/nose pressing up against window type behaviour? Or does her husband join in? Just because she's calling out to him "she's got the baby now", "she's got dogs now", "you can see her nipples in that top" etc. etc. etc. doesn't mean that he is actually inviting the running commentary does it?

My first thought was that the woman at least may have some sort of mental health problem or SN. Something to restrict her grasp on the normal boundaries between yourself & people you barely know. Having worked in community care, I have met a couple of people who used to be similarly obsessed with the everyday comings & goings of their neighbours. I even had a neighbour begging me to "do something about it" on one occasion. Not that I could do anything of use of course.

She could just be a nosy bugger of course.

I wonder if this is why the previous owners moved?

Yep they are weird. I would simply engage a lot less with them.

but do remember there is a plus side of having nosy neighbors - they are like your own personal watchdogs!!

Oh cripes, I thought my neighbour was bad. He just hurls abuse at me when I dare to go in the shared courtyard. But this is a whole new level of over-invested neighbourly weirdness.

I think plantation shutters could be the way to go, (I have them.) Or those opaque concertina blinds? Or you can have somebody put a film on your windows, that looks like opaque glass Perhaps with a massive dildo on the windowsill next to the potted plant

Failing that, just ignore them as if they don't exist. They sound most peculiar. And what they're doing is harassment.

Looks in at the window to see who is in???!!!

That's weird.

You definitely need to not engage & just ask her to leave.

Easier said than done, though!

OP, what did she mean by "people like you don't have jobs"?

I'm asking because I've heard someone say this before about a young Asian woman. Utterly racist and horrible but it immediately sprung to mind when I read your post.

That reminds me of an old neighbour of ours. A young Asian couple with a small child moved in next door to me (elderly chap lived the other side). He was so taken aback by the fact that the lady went off to work each morning, very smartly dressed, whilst her husband stayed at home and took care of the child, that he started coming up with all sorts of scenarios/reasons why the man was not employable. Theories included a terminal illness and his being recently released from prison for a financial crime (neither were true so far as I knew!).

The truth was that the woman was a solicitor and, as the main wage earner, it made much more sense for her to be the one to work full-time. Her husband's job brought in less money each month than a full-time nursery place would have cost, so they made the decision for him to be a SAHD.

I never told the elderly neighbour this, it would have been a shame to spoil his fun.

You sound really nice - too nice. Next time she says anything just tell her to mind her own business, get a life and fuck off out of yours. You say you live in a terraced house. I would check roof space and dividing walls for little spy holes - only half joking!

heartisshattered I think maybe she assumes that my husband and I are on benefits - maybe because we are young parents (though mid twenties so not that young really!), or maybe because I work as a carer and don't have a uniform (so just wear my own clothes) and my husband works part time? But we aren't and wouldn't be any of her business if we were!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler It does just seem to be the woman, but the man definitely facilitates it. I do wonder if she has some sort of mental health issue. Before us this house was rented and I think they were bad neighbours so maybe she is scarred we will end up like that, but it doesn't excuse her behaviour!

Thanks for your responses everybody! We will keep a log and inform the police if we have any more issues with them. Will also be having a word telling them we find their behaviour unacceptable.

The woman's behaviour in particular sounds perhaps like that of a person with dementia. If you hadn't specified their age as 40s - 50s, I would have wondered if they weren't quite a bit older.

however I think they'd get away with saying they didn't realise they were causing it.

If you tell them just the once to stop their comments and coming onto your property then they will be aware that they are pissing you off.

I am sure the guy who was driving me up the wall, didn't think he was harrassing me. I told him to stop and that if he came round again I would call the police. He came round again. I called the police.

Don't know why me suggesting contacting the police and keeping a log seemed so odd?

I meant like 101, or community support or something, not 999.

To my mind, it's harrassment. Someone with their face up to your window and making constant comments about your whereabouts could easily escalate? Plus you don't know why the previous neighbours moved, maybe they've been like this before?

Did you change the locks when you moved in? I'd be worried in case the previous occupier had given them a key at some point? Maybe they're spies for the previous occupier who didn't want to leave?

I would be getting CCTV on my driveway though. I bet they have a right nose through your windows when you're not there.

You're there for the long term so invest in shutters for your windows, and a very high fence in your garden. it's going to be worse in the summer

I don’t think age has anything to do wth this. Most people in their 40/50 (or older/younger) wouldn’t do this. It is bizarre.

My suggestion would be to answer all her questions with one of your own. Ask her why she wants to know that, in response to asking about your jobs/baby? Or why is it any of her business when wanting to know who was in?

Explain each time, politely and firmly that you do not appreciate her looking in your window and asking probing questions. I would also tell her that if it continues you will report her to the police for harassment.

Santa I thought that too - she may have a mental health issue. Does the neighbour work? She may have become very isolated and "housebound" and so you are a great source of "safe" interest. I used to work with people with early onset dementia and some of them (long before their diagnosis) behaved strangely to their neighbours (weird accusations, throwing things in their gardens, unhealthy interest in them). Few sufferers behave like Ashley in Emmerdale or Ellis Grey in Grey's Anatomy.

They've really crossed a line and appear to be trying to find fault with you and your parenting.

How awful.

wantoscream I don't think it's at the point where the police need to be contacted yet ,even to log it.

That's what I think anyway.

You need to be quite firm with them and try to distance yourselves from them as well as you are able to. Perhaps keep a record example/times/dates just in case things worsen or escalate.

Yes: early onset dementia definitely seems like a possibility.

Keep a log of their behaviour. Maybe put up some security cameras.
Next time they look through your window I would just go And close the curtains.

I'd tell them straight. Knock this shit on the head and quick. Tell them you want to be neighbourly but you're finding their commentary and actions exceptionally intrusive - and on occasion scary. Deliver the message to both of them. Ideally with your partner in attendance. Summarise the points, say you want to have good relations but tell them they're overstepping their boundaries and would they mind backing off a bit. Make a record of the conversation and all their weirdo behaviours.

Take mum too. They might take more notice if they know someone older is aware of what is happening.

One of the PPs makes a good point - have you changed your locks since moving in? Might be a good idea just in case the neighbours ever got given a set (and always sensible anyway as you never know who might have one!).

Oh god that sounds terrible! I'd just start randomly shouting "oh look Dh, there are those weird stalker people from next door" or just be blunt and tell her it's really weird, you find it disturbing and as much as you'd like to be civil you can't possibly allow them to intrude in your life to that extent. Alienate the lunatics. We had a similar issue when we moved into our house, neighbour would shout over to Dh to mow her lawn when he was doing ours,(no reason she or her partner couldn't do it) so he charged her. She never asked again

I'm with Wanttoscream in that enough has happened already for it to warrant harrassment and I'd given them a warning to stop and the next time they did anything, phone the non-urgent police number, having logged as many of the incidents as you can remember, especially the incidents that involved direct contact. It's not right that you have to live like this.

Starting now, keep a log of everything no matter how small, with times and dates. Once you have enough evidence to show that this is ongoing harassing/nusiance behaviour there should be something the police or council can do. In the meantime be civil but don't engage, a simple 'sorry we're in a rush' and don't get drawn into discussion.

I think maybe she assumes that my husband and I are on benefits