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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be concerned about my neighbour's behaviour?

104 replies

LemonadeAndSchnapps · 21/02/2017 14:57

This is going to be a long one! Sorry guys! Smile

I've recently bought my first house with my husband and baby DD, and I've had problems with my neighbour from the start. At first we tried to be very neighbourly with our neighbours next door but they have started to try and become very involved in our lives. They constantly have opinions about how we live our lives and are very open about their opinions which are very judgemental.

The first indecent occurred when i was driving my DD over to my DM's before I went to work. The wife came over to me and informed me that babies "shouldn't be taken out in this weather". When I told her I had to get to work she told me "people like you don't have jobs". Hmm Not sure what this means! My DH and I both work full time and obviously won't be leaving our one year old at home while we are gone. DD was in a very comfy snow suit and so wasn't cold at all, and it was around 8 o'clock so she had already been awake for an hour at least!

She and her husband are constantly curtain twitching when we come home or have visitor and I can often hear them shouting things like "She has the baby this time" and "Now she has dogs with her" when I am going into my house!

Today I was just sat on my sofa playing with my daughter when her face appears pressed against my window! Shock I waved at her but She didn't seem to notice me, so I opened the door and asked what she was doing. She told me she wanted to know who was in the house. When I said it was just me she started asking if my DH was home, when he was going to be home, who would be looking after DD, etc. At this point I made my excuses and closed the door.

AIBU to be concerned by their behaviour? I'm quite young and find this couple quite intimidating; we are both quite young and this couple are in their 40's - 50's with adult children. We bought this house so we didn't have to deal with landlords being so involved with our lives, and now we have a neighbour doing the same thing. We obviously don't want to alienate them as we live in a terrace house and think it might cause problems further down the line, but this couple seem to be watching our every move. So, mumsnet, what do you think we should do? Confused

OP posts:
Downtheroadfirstonleft · 21/02/2017 15:25

They sound horrible!

I think you need to be coolly polite and more assertive. Plantation shutters might give you more privacy if you like them?

xStefx · 21/02/2017 15:25

Yes sundial- Yes!

Benedikte2 · 21/02/2017 15:25

This behaviour is way out of order. Do keep a brief diary (will be hugely amusing at some time in the future) and be very cold and refuse to engage with the neighbours in future. If the lower level of intrusion continues eg commentary on your comings and going etc that is below the threshold required to complain to the police then photocopy your diary and post it through their door with a note saying - though you might like a transcript of your observations. Are you writing a play for TV? How exciting!
Good luck

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/02/2017 15:27

I think if nobody was around I would tell them to fuck off. Firmly.

Otherwise I'd be reporting the prowler in the garden to the police.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 21/02/2017 15:29

That's really not normal neighbour behaviour OP.

I agree with those saying keep a record - either on your phone or keep a little book by the door.

Also good idea to talk to other neighbours to find out if they know anything.

There is nothing wrong with telling her politely every time that it is none of her business. But try not to escalate it - neighbour disputes can get really nasty Flowers.

Bluebellevergreen · 21/02/2017 15:30

Her face pressed against the window?! Confused
My worse nightmare!!!

Put a note in their letter box , see if you can get more creepy than them Wink

AIBU to be concerned about my neighbour's behaviour?
Bluebellevergreen · 21/02/2017 15:31

*worst

EssentialHummus · 21/02/2017 15:32

Yeah, I'd be giving them something to talk about. Can you hire a few large Eastern European blokes with shaved heads to pull up in a van, cart out a large burlap sack and be seen to count money Grin? Even better if a Man Who Is Not Your Husband appears frequently while DH is out, stays for an hour then buggers off.

SaltandPepperRibs · 21/02/2017 15:32

yes, keep a record so you can give an account of the bigger picture should you ever need to (hope you don't).

And do not answer anymore nosey questions. Do not engage unless you absolutely have to.

HappyFlappy · 21/02/2017 15:33

Do as Seeline suggests AND keep a log.

At the moment they are just irritating, but their unreasonable behaviour may escalate and it could be useful to have a record (though it seems that if you would be writing all day.
8.00 - NDN pressed face against window - I asked her why and she said to see who was in.
8.07 - NDN shouted to husband "It's just her with the baby. Her DH isn't there"
8.09 - NDN's husband shouts "When is he coming home?"
8.10 - NDN shouts back "I didn't ask"
8.11 - Husband shouts "Well ask her now."
8.12 - NDN knocks on door. OP doesn't answer because she knows why. NDN continues to knock for 27 minutes
8.39 - OP opens door WHAT THE EFF DO YOU WANT?
8.40 - NDN starts to cry
etcetcetc)

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2017 15:33

I'd be contacting the police

To say what? They sound rude and definitely odd but that doesn't mean it's a police matter.

Original poster
LemonadeAndSchnapps · 21/02/2017 15:34

Oh so many responses!

I agree that we are probably being a bit too polite, but it really is a shock when this woman is being so rude to you; it takes you a minute to realise what's happening and form a response and by then she has swanned off with her nose in the air!

SundialShadow haha! If she isn't careful she might catch an eyeful of my husband wandering around in his boxers which wont be far off your suggestion. Grin

So do you all think I should keep a log and then report it to the police, or report it to the police every time she does this sort of thing and then keep a log with them?

The problem is often her comments aren't necessarily directed straight at us. She will say these things very loudly to her husband while standing in her garden so if I say things to her it will look like I am the aggressive one who starts the argument IYSWIM? Confused

We don't really know any of the other neighbours yet as we are very really in the house, we are a very active family.

My DM has offered to have a word with them with me and my DH (she is a very articulate lady and is not intimidated by her at all) so I might take her up on this offer as a bit of support. It is such a shame; we really do just want to get on with our lives without judgement!

OP posts:
Backt0Black · 21/02/2017 15:35

Another - just tell them straight here.

'why is it your business who is in the house? get your nose off my windowpane or I'll need to report it'

'what do you mean by people like me don't have jobs?... do you realise how offensive you sound?'

'I don't need your parenting advice, my DC is very well cared for within the family, thank you'

.... yup alienate away I say, they are massively overstepping the mark and likely think they can because you're younger, hand them a healthy dose of frost and let them know you wont be henpecked

Original poster
LemonadeAndSchnapps · 21/02/2017 15:36

*very rarely in the house Smile

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 21/02/2017 15:36

I agree with PPs, keep a log of everything, dates, times, and as much info as possible. Take photos of things, e.g if she presses her face up against the window - take a photo of it. It's not normal behaviour. Not a lot you can do at present, they don't appear to be doing anything illegal, but it's annoying and rather sinister nonetheless. A record of anything will be useful if it escalates (which of course I hope it doesn't). I also agree with the PP who said just answer their questions with "Why?" eg is your husband in?" only needs a "Why" in response.

Have you spoken to any other neighbours yet? They may well have form for this.

Archimandrite · 21/02/2017 15:37

If your neighbour is getting in your face to make comments then this will be viewed as harrassment by the police if its happened on more than one occasion.

The rest of their remarks/commentary from inside their house are unacceptable too. You have every right to live your life free from observation and comment unless you are doing something antisocial.

Next time either of them makes a comment to you tell them they need to stop these remarks/comments as well as the ones they loudly make from inside and if they don't you will call the police.

And if they do carry on then call them! Keep a log of as many incidents as you can with dates, especially the ones involving them approaching you.

I called the police about a neighbour who was constantly coming round to tell me to move my car further down from his (in case he needed to jump start it!). When I refused to engage one time he tried to push my door and come in to carry on the conversation. The police issued him with a harrassment notice and I've not heard a word from him since. The police were absolutely brilliant about it.

I'd not retaliate or give them any possible fuel for telling the police what you did in response. Just a firm warning to stop or else you are reporting them and then report them if they carry on. Good luck. It sounds a bloody nightmare Flowers

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/02/2017 15:37

I wouldn't be contacting the police just yet, they're annoying, her in particular but I don't think it warrants contact yet, that's my opinion but they're not my neighbours.

Ignore her as much as you can and don't give her time to engage you.

Nice ta;; fences in your garden too ready for the summer.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/02/2017 15:38

*tall

DianaMemorialJam · 21/02/2017 15:39

I would be telling her to piss off and get a hobby. Rude cow.

Archimandrite · 21/02/2017 15:39

Sorry i meant to say that if they have literally invaded your personal space to get up close to say something that is harrassment even if it's just the once. As there have been these sorts of incidents as well as general 'surveillance' and comments through the wall that will definitely be taken seriously by the police I imagine.

sobeyondthehills · 21/02/2017 15:40

I would also consider getting some sort of camera as well, just to double check what they are doing when you are out.

You might just need a webcam attached to a computer facing your window type thing

Racmactac · 21/02/2017 15:40

How bizarre!
Sometimes you just need to be blunt. Ask her what she thinks she's doing and if she asks who is in the house ask her why she wants to know.
Perhaps point out to her that you own the house and you will have whoever you choose to have in your home.

You need to stand up to her.

Racmactac · 21/02/2017 15:41

I would also start walking round naked. Grin

Pigflewpast · 21/02/2017 15:44

If you look up harassment definition this could be classed as harassment, as they are causing you alarm and distress, however I think they'd get away with saying they didn't realise they were causing it. Also calling the police could really escalate this to be a war. I think you and DH need to go and talk to them and tell them it's not acceptable, with DM if helps. Make a note of it, and keep a diary from that point, as they then know they are harassing you, and maybe ask police for advice when you have a log of several things.

Iris65 · 21/02/2017 15:46

Be cool and distant, but not rude.
Ask them to stop looking in at the windows.
Keep a log.
If their behaviour escalates then report it.
What they are doing is harassment and you have the right to peacefully enjoy your property. If you google that phrase you'll find some useful stuff.

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