Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 20:37

The evenings vary really as he does the martial arts thing (like last night) and maybe he's away one or two night or just out like tonight. But in general we would have dinner. Then he's working on the laptop while I'm clearing up, getting DC sorted with bags for the next day and getting them in bed. I won't go into after that as I don't think it's that kind of thread.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 20:38

I go on my phone when I wish

I go out when I wish

Op... .why do you feel you need your masters permission ?

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 20:46

Lovely my DH earns jaw dropping amounts of money. I won't fess up to my real name with the MNetters I have met because he is quite high profile in his field.

I am perfectly as ease to tell him to F off if he's being an arse. He's home early tonight. Very, very early because he got off a flight and came straight home. He's poured me a wine and is emptying the dishwasher because we've had a bant and I've told him to do something useful.

He can be demanding, he can be the biggest most difficult pain in the arse, he sometimes spouts absolute shit about "I have booked Covent Garden for x and I need you to be there so deal - admittedly usually with two months notice - occasionally if the invite comes from a client much less" but I have always been comfortable enough in our relationship to say "er, fuck off" or "well the domestic standards are as good as they're getting; your mother was a dirty cow so stuff off because it's better than you were ever used to" or "I'll speak to the cleaner". Most of the time he wouldn't have dared but there have been arsy moments - remembers when I left the hoover in the hall for a week hoping he would notice if he tripped over it morningly and nightly and he said at the end "are you ever going to put the bloody hoover away". Could you really retort OP, "no, not until you've used it you lazy arse because I'm sick of your bloody entitlement".

Also remember the weekend (when the dc were 4 and 7 ish) and I was so sick of him announcing his weekend arrangements that I went apeshit and told him I didn't care if he had plans but as he usually assumed I didn't on Saturdays he could suck up the fact that I had plans and was going out for the day. I told him I was leaving at 9am the following morning like he told me he was at the last minute. I left him a list of instructions about the children's activities: stagecoach, party 1, party 2. locations, presents to wrap, etc., what the children needed for snacks, what homework needed doing inbetween, who to thank, whose children to collect en-route.

I had a fucking awful day out. I went to the National Gallery, The Tate, wandered around Harvey Nicks and Horrids, had a drink at the Hurlingham miserably on my own at 5pm so that I didn't get home until 7ish. It dragged and was ghastly. I walked in at 7ish and he rather dog in a mangerly "shall I bath the children?". "Will you make supper please'". We didn't say much more about it. Things didn't really get better in the context of his commitments but he got a bit more appreciative. But OP, I could do it and I knew he would suck it up and see sense. Do you sort of get that?

FarAwayHills · 22/02/2017 20:46

So while he is around you are on duty and on call for all his needs. Hmm Does he ever clear up after dinner or help to sort the kids out for bed? Sounds like he wants all the best bits of you and the kids without having to be involved in the daily routine of family life.

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 20:48

I don't need to ask him if I can go out. Nothing like that at all. Obviously if someone texts I would text back, but I wouldn't sit there for say, 20 mins just on the phone when he's home. He would think I was being rude or going demented.

OP posts:
FarAwayHills · 22/02/2017 20:50

But it's ok for him to be on his laptop?

AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 20:52

You don't need to tell us about your sex life Hmm

Unless it involves more of you compromising yourself to this blokes ego

AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 20:53

You exist just as an extension of him. Do you realise that ?

Costacoffeeplease · 22/02/2017 20:53

He would think I was being rude

He's got you well-trained op

Parker231 · 22/02/2017 20:54

Wow - you and I do lead very different lives with very different relationships with our DH. If a friend rings me for a chat I'd stay on the phone for ages and Respond to DH with sign language when he checks whether I want a drink or to bring out the wine !

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 20:54

OP, my DH wouldn't because he spends that sort of time on his lap top/phone dealing with work stuff. He's been in for about 40 mins as I have said; I've been on Mnet, chatting to you now for 20 of them. He really wouldn't notice or be fussed. I think he's just sorted the bins.

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 20:55

Ohthe - I do know what you're saying. I'm not sure what to say without digging a deeper hole.
I guess what's normal to me is what's normal. People have all kinds of dynamics and who knows why?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 20:56

You would be rude ?

And yet he fucks off for 8 hours on his bike penis extension ?

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 20:58

Bloody hell, when the DC were in bed I was free to do what I wanted. That is a really, really worrying response. Can you not just have a belly laugh and say "if you are standing in your socks, it's not sexy so piss off and let me read/mnet".

Oh love - this really needs dealing with. I mean that in the nicest possible way and I'm married to a selfish arse whose job comes first, second and last.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 20:59

You are a manpleaser, op.

It's a sad and very sticky place to be

If you displease him by stepping outside his constructed box for you...you are fucked

In fact, you maintain the walls of the box yourself now. He doesn't have to do a thing.

PageStillNotFound404 · 22/02/2017 21:00

My DH and I will often spend the evening on our respective tablets. Occasionally one or other of us will say "oh, I meant to tell you..." and we'll both put them down for a bit while the funny story/upcoming arrangements/something that happened that day is covered. That might lead on to more conversation or we might both pick the gadgets back up again until the next thing pops into our heads. Or we'll say "you must see this" and the other will either put their tablet down immediately and look at whatever it is, or say "hang on two secs while I finish this..." and then look. It's companionable, it's relaxed, it's separate-but-shared.

Similarly if one or other of us makes evening plans with friends or for a session of a hobby (to be fair mostly me as my DH has a disability which means he chooses not to go out much with others, but it does happen occasionally) we'll say something like "oh, I'm going out with X next Thursday, okay?" Neither of us really expects the other to say "NO! It's not okay!" or go in a strop about it - we both know that we're actually telling, not asking but it's a polite courtesy to the other.

I'd be interested to see your DH's reaction if you asked him to hang on when he'd indicated he wanted your attention, or if you told (not asked) him that you were going out one evening next week.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/02/2017 21:00

It just doesn't sound like a partnership

What do you get out of this? What's important to you? What drives you in life?

AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 21:00

Op. Have you posted before about this man and his expectations of how you need to perform sexually ?

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 21:01

The dynamics aren't a question of why; they are a question of whether you are happy with them and whether deep down in the pit of your stomach you are happy with them?

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 21:03

Any - loads of people do cycling. It's like a cult.
I can't get worked up about that - it's the least of it!
He and some friends have all bought cars - not formula 1, but something like that. The weekend after next they're off for 3 days in Portugal to race these cars on some track there.
Within he last month, they went driving on frozen lakes in Norway, I think it was.
This is how they carry on. It's not just him.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/02/2017 21:04

There's so much you aren't telling us

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 21:07

No AnyF - I have never posted about our sex life!
I will reply properly in a mo. I just need to sort the kids.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/02/2017 21:08

So when are you having your three days away?

PageStillNotFound404 · 22/02/2017 21:08

OP, something obviously prompted you to start this thread and pose your question. I doubt you woke up one morning and spontaneously thought "I know, while DH is safely out of the way, I'll ask MN if they think he's high maintenance". Something has started to nibble away, to give you doubts, to make you slowly wake up to the fact that something is wrong with your relationship.

Listen to that something. Start running "normal" parts of your life past that something. Especially the parts that relate to your DCs and how they behave around their father.

Msqueen33 · 22/02/2017 21:08

It sounds like he's grown to see you in certain roles and has certain expectations. It's a little worrying he isn't happy unless he has your full attention and you can't be on your phone when he's home as he'd think you were crazy.