AIBU or is he

[AngelThursday]

Need some advice and first time posting so please be kind! Bit of a back story I'm afraid.
Basically DP and I have been married for 16 years with one DS age 15. We met and married quite quickly as we both wanted to start a family and age was not on our side. DS came along quickly and then I fell pregnant again just over a year later. Sadly I miscarried which I found deeply traumatising. DP was upset too but more matter off fact.
After that, what with the trauma of the miscarriage and looking after DS I kind of went off sex. Eventually DP stopped asking and our love life ground to a halt. We haven't slept together in over ten years.
Our marriage, which to an extent, was a bit of a marriage of convenience, has trundled along fairly amicably since. He has many good qualities and has provided well for us financially (he is very successful in his field) and I have been able to be a sahm all these years, pursuing my own interests, and enjoying some luxuries such as a cleaner and gardener, and we go on several holidays a year. When we first married he worked very long hours and so I was very much left to look after DS on my own but this enabled him to be successful and in more recent years he has been able to work free lance giving him more flexibility with his time.
So now I've discovered he's been having an affair for over 4 years! I'm devastated by the deception and betrayal of course, and am stunned by his duplicity. He is citing the main reason for the affair as a lack of sex and intimacy within our marriage which I can see but I feel he should have told me how he was feeling, not gone off behind my back. When I asked him why he didn't talk to me about being unhappy he said he didn't want to break up the family and wanted our DS to have a secure home life.
He assures me the affair has now ended (I'm not convinced) and he wants us to try again but I feel I can't trust him anymore and that his motivation to stay together is to keep face (he is very conscious of this) and because it's easier financially. He accepts he did wrong but says I was niaive to think everything was fine as it was and to an extent, what did I expect him to do all these barren years?
So am Aibu in thinking he should be eating humble pie and begging my forgiveness or does he have a point, and that I am in part to blame?

I find it very disrespectful when the contribution of a sahp is belittled, as you 'did not contribute financially '. Maybe not, but you enabled your partner to work without having to worry about organising any childcare/housework etc, so as you say OP, the benefits of the marriage have not all been one sided.
It looks like the crux of the matter is whether you feel you can live in an open marriage. You say not, so better start looking at the most equitable way of separating, while causing as little distress to your child as possible. This seems to me the least stressful solution long term. Good luck.
(and BTW, I don't think you should be bashed over your honesty in saying it is now a platonic relationship and has been for years- relationships need honesty!)

Her son has been old enough for years now to enable OP to work, in fairness.

Not necessarily easy to find something to fit in with school hours, depending on where you live, taking into account he is 15 now. I wouldn't want my early teenagers regularly looking after themselves pre and post school times.

Was speaking hypothetically there, B4 you search and jump on the fact my kids are not yet teens

I think, if you want to be cold and cynical about this - when your DS moves out, what do you think will happen? Because I suspect your marriage will last about ten minutes after that. And you'll be better working out maitanence, spousal support and so on now, than once your DS is legally an adult and you have much less claim.

You're not in love with each other. If your only support has been enabling him to work long hours, then that's the kind of support he could have bought in. There is more to supporting someone's career than providing childcare. He could have talked to you, but you'd made your position clear after 6 years, what would he have said?

What do you think your son is learning about a loving affectionate relationship between adults btw?

Can I ask how you found out? Did he tell you?

This marriage needed help 10 years ago and you did it a disservice by not seeking counselling then. I don't think you could get that intimacy back now even if you wanted to, as you say yourself he is more like a brother.

It is time to split and yes your lifestyle will change but you will be fine. I won't give you a hard time for not working as it doesn't sound like you needed the money.

Can I just ask previous posters at what point does "not wanting sex" turn into "withholding sex"?

I agree that being in a sexless marriage for a long period can be hard on people but should OP have forced herself to have sex when she doesn't want to?

Perhaps if her DH had spoken to her about how he was feeling they could have tried to work through it together.

4 years is A long time to be intimate with someone so I would be surprised if the husband didn't have strong feelings for the OW.

I think it's best for everyone involved, including your son, if you start sorting out a split. How long would you stay together for your son? Until he turns 18? 30? Forever? Would you even want to be with someone who has and could cheat again?

warwick it doesn't sound like the OP was frank and honest with her husband. Libido can wax and wane and medical issues can intervene but the OP wants to remain celibate for the rest of her life and has buried her head in the sand by convincing herself that it isn't an issue or a problem. But it is a massive problem in a marriage and to not speak about it or seek help means this is complicated. It seems like the subject has been completely taboo in the marriage.

Of course it is an affair and wrong but both the OP and her husband have choosen to remain in this shell of a marriage for convenience.

Warwick - it sounded like the DP did talk a lot about it but kept getting shot down. And if she's refusing to have any intimacy with him, then either they part on good terms (though it doesn't appear they're on great ones just now) and accept they're friends not a couple. Or she lets him find sex elsewhere. If she's really not bothered by it, why should it be any different to him going to the pub with a mate for example.

I like the person who equated this to wanting sex 3 times a week. I think that there might be a small middle ground between every 2 days and none in 10 years!