AIBU or is he

[AngelThursday]

Need some advice and first time posting so please be kind! Bit of a back story I'm afraid.
Basically DP and I have been married for 16 years with one DS age 15. We met and married quite quickly as we both wanted to start a family and age was not on our side. DS came along quickly and then I fell pregnant again just over a year later. Sadly I miscarried which I found deeply traumatising. DP was upset too but more matter off fact.
After that, what with the trauma of the miscarriage and looking after DS I kind of went off sex. Eventually DP stopped asking and our love life ground to a halt. We haven't slept together in over ten years.
Our marriage, which to an extent, was a bit of a marriage of convenience, has trundled along fairly amicably since. He has many good qualities and has provided well for us financially (he is very successful in his field) and I have been able to be a sahm all these years, pursuing my own interests, and enjoying some luxuries such as a cleaner and gardener, and we go on several holidays a year. When we first married he worked very long hours and so I was very much left to look after DS on my own but this enabled him to be successful and in more recent years he has been able to work free lance giving him more flexibility with his time.
So now I've discovered he's been having an affair for over 4 years! I'm devastated by the deception and betrayal of course, and am stunned by his duplicity. He is citing the main reason for the affair as a lack of sex and intimacy within our marriage which I can see but I feel he should have told me how he was feeling, not gone off behind my back. When I asked him why he didn't talk to me about being unhappy he said he didn't want to break up the family and wanted our DS to have a secure home life.
He assures me the affair has now ended (I'm not convinced) and he wants us to try again but I feel I can't trust him anymore and that his motivation to stay together is to keep face (he is very conscious of this) and because it's easier financially. He accepts he did wrong but says I was niaive to think everything was fine as it was and to an extent, what did I expect him to do all these barren years?
So am Aibu in thinking he should be eating humble pie and begging my forgiveness or does he have a point, and that I am in part to blame?

Of course he stopped trying, when I got knocked back every time. It has to be pretty degrading to feel like you have to beg for sex from your loving wife. He should not have cheated, he is in the wrong for that. However, you have some serious issues in your marriage caused mainly by you and partly for him for going along with it. From your post I get no feeling that you are in love with him, do you find him attractive? What are you scared to lose most, your husband or your lifestyle?

I think that he shouldn't have had an affair - because that is not what a marriage is about.
I'm not at all surprised that he eventually found a way to be sexually intimate with someone after six years of enforced celibacy.
He should have faced up to his choice, and ended the marriage then.
Both OP and her DP seem to have been in denial for a long time.
I think both should seek counselling with a view to either negotiating an amicable divorce (probably the best way forward), or coming to a new agreement.

What a messy situation. He doesn't want to break up the marriage for your son and to 'save face'. You don't want to because of your son and its convenient for your lifestyle. Your marriage doesn't seem to have any affection from what you are saying (aside from the lack of sex). You are both to blame and should probably consider counselling if you want to stay together

Poor husband...?? Seriously? He is married. That means he made a vow to forsake all others. There is no vow to have sex three times a week forevermore. The op is not in the wrong here. Her husband broke the trust by having a 4 year affair (4 years! Imagine all the lies he told over 4 years to keep it going!). He was fully aware of the sexless side of their marriage, if he wasn't happy with it he should have had the balls to address it.

And on all the sahm threads on mn, we always hear that being a sahm is just as valuable as working, theyre providing childcare/looking after the family/taking care of the home/supporting the dp with their career so why now, on this thread, has the op not given as much to this marriage as her working husband? The op has supported her husband's career, allowed him to become freelance, and been at home for her child. How is that not equally contributing?

I agree largely with the other posters. I don't like cheating and usually say there is no excuse but your marriage was more co habiting and it sounds like, for the past 10 years, you've been happy. He sounds like a decent man who wanted you to be content and allowed you to do as you pleased.

It is sad and I can completely understand why you'd feel betrayed but he did stand by you the whole time and says he still wants to. 10 years is a very long time with no intamacy and I know many wouldn't blame him for secretly getting it somewhere else, while leaving you to feel secure and happy.

It's hard but I think in this instance, you'd be unreasonable to leave him as it was pretty unreasonable to expect him to fund your lifestyle for so long in a marriage so lacking in intamacy. Personally, I would attempt counselling and try to rebuild your marriage (if you both still want each other).

How would you have felt if he'd rejected your affections for 10 years? I don't know anyone strong enough to keep trying in the face of such a long time of rejection.

The issue should have been addressed years ago by you both with counselling/medical support.

I've lost 3 babies, I'm also a survivor of csa.

At times sexual or even romantic intimacy has been challenging. I've never been forced by my ex or subsequent partners nor forced myself but I have got help when necessary.

Sex and affection aren't just about physical satisfaction it's what bonds a romantic relationship.

Did you even kiss/cuddle/hold hands?

I'm no fan of cheats but really I think he was in an incredibly difficult position.

at this point you both need to be absolutely honest and sort this!

Do you want to be MARRIED to HIM (forget the lifestyle etc)? Does he want to be with you? If you do stay together what are you going to do about the lack of sex/affection? Does he absolutely NOT want to be with her? 4 years is a long time. Is he scared you'll be vindictive if he says he wants to be with her?

What a mess!

Op I really feel for both of you. I don't either of you has been unreasonable, tbh.

Might be an idea to post your thread in relationships section rather than AIBU. You might get more considered and less bitchy responses.

Good luck but please remember you only have one life to live.

OP, I think you're getting a harsh response here. Yes, you may have been naive in thinking he was happy with not having sex for ten years, but he should have made his position clear to you before cheating on you. Because it most definitely was cheating.
I agree he wants to save face by breaking off the affair, but can you believe he won't go straight back and do it again if you can't give him the intimacy he's looking for? Sounds like your marriage is going to have to change in some way or another if you even want to stay with someone who can happily choose to deceive you for 4 years.

Their one ds is 15 now.

They have a cleaner, they have a gardener...

No, sorry but OP has benefited massively from this arrangement and there's no denying it.

There's also no point in calling it a marriage really, is there?

In any case, OP has disappeared...

OP, this is makes you feel any better, I also asked DH what his opinion was (as it always differs from mine!). He said, 'of course her husband is the one in the wrong! He should have told her 4 years ago that he was wanting/having sex and then at least she would have known and they could have decided together if they can have open marriage type arrangement or not.' He hates cheaters but thought you might like one man's perspective

Of course he gave up trying to have sex. You know how it feels to be rejected constantly? You realise how that thrashes your self esteem and confidence?
Then after 6 years along comes someone who wants him. Who isn't rejecting him. Right or wrong he started an affair.
And now you still want to remain in an emotionless sham of a marriage. You cannot have it both ways. Either you are there emotionally or you aren't. But you checked out a long time ago. The sham should have ended then. Stop deluding yourselves any more that this is all for the benefit of the 15 year old. It's not. He's not daft, he knows its a sham. And just look at the standard he has for his future relationships. It's normal to not be emotionally there for each other.

Oh, a man has given his opinion.

We can all go home now...

And following on from what bloody says, the OP was also free to leave whenever she wanted. Still can...

@MadMags why is a man's opinion on this any less relevant than a woman's?

Madmags, there's no need to me rude!

Be ^

If a man were posting his opinion on the thread, I wouldn't care less. I wouldn't even know, unless he stated his gender.

When someone says "stop everything, I've got my husband's opinion here" it makes me laugh, because mansplaining doesn't wash well with me. That's all.

He was wrong to have an affair. He should have told you how he felt and divorced you when the situation became intolerable for him.

Or he should have told you that he needed to have an open marriage and sleep with others.

Either of those options is fine. They are probably your two options now also - divorce or open marriage, as I don't expect you now want to start having sex with him.

I feel for the guy. He has enabled you to have exactly the lifestyle you wanted (child, not working, luxuries) and you didn't even really like him.

OP Why didn't you talk to your DH about your sexless marriage? Absolutely he should have talked to you, 10 years is a long time for both of you to go without an intimate relationship. It reads like you were quite happy with the status quo - but didn't talk to him about it, and he was happy with the status quo - but didn't talk about it either. Neither of you come out of it looking good.
FWIW - I was in a sexless marriage, I tried to discuss it but was shut down. It killed any feelings I had for him. So yes I may be projecting, I acknowledge that. I didn't have an affair but honestly, at times, I genuinely felt some desperation at feeling that desire again, wanting him to want me. It felt heartbreaking at the time that he didn't see me as a bed partner. He just didn't. He wanted to stay in the family home and continue with what we had. What sort of life is that? Without proper discussion?
5years on and single I am clear on what I want. I have recently met someone new. If he has ED - ok. If he has medical issues - fine. But I want to know that a mans mind and heart wants me, even if the body needs some assistance. Most of all I expect honesty. You 2 don't seem to have that.

*unhappy from your H NOT happy!

Sorry but affairs are NOT justified. Not ever.

It's understandable that the husband was not happy. However he should have left. Or asked for an open marriage. Not cheated.

OP I guess the question in my mind is - would you rather he had left you 4 years ago, instead of having an affair?

He is married. That means he made a vow to forsake all others. There is no vow to have sex three times a week forevermore.

I disagree with this. Withholding sex is as big a crime against the expectations of marriage as shagging someone else. (Note I said "shagging someone else" and not "secretly shagging someone else." What the husband did wrong was not the shagging someone else, it was the lying about it. Though I can easily imagine circumstances in which the unfair and unreasonable consequences of being truthful would mean I wouldn't condemn the lying either.)

In addition to "forsaking all others", people also promise to stay together forever. So if your statement that sex is not a promise of marriage is true, and your premise that vows cannot honourably be broken is accepted, then anyone who signs up to marriage is giving their partner a veto on them ever having sex again.

Interesting replies ... and good to read that some of you don't condone his infidelity. After all, he is the one who was dishonest! And I still feel if he was unhappy with the situation he should of talked to me and not gone behind my back. But I accept I let things drift for too long.
I do feel I've contributed to the marriage and there was equally an element of marriage of convenience from his perspective too. He wanted a family asap and I provided him with that. He wanted me be a sahm as it enabled him to work the long hour necessary to build his career (and obviously more recently to meet the OW!!) and he has never suggested I get a job. Maybe it suits him me being home?
I do wonder what feelings he has for the OW though. After all 4 years is a long time and form what I've found out, there seemed to be meetings and communications that did not involve sex. He said she listened to him, was interested in him as a person and was affectionate. Deep down I think he loves her but is trying to protect what's left of my feelings by not admitting it. Looking back, he has been much happier and more relaxed these last few years and seems very low at the moment.
In terms of my feelings, I love him like a brother but not like a lover. He has said the same about me. We are not particularly affectionate - just a peck goodbye in the morning, rarely hug.
We are both guilty of not talking about things and in particular, he tends to avoid conflict. He is very worried about "saving face" as I said before and doesn't like change. He has also said quite nastily that I would do very well out of a divorce as I have not contributed anything financially to the marriage. Which in crude terms is true.
I think having the affair was an easier option for him and he does love DS very much so I do think he would not have wanted to leave him. He is a good father.

I've been thinking about the suggestions of having an open marriage but I'm not sure I can live wit that. I don't want a physical relationship with him (not just him, with anyone, my libido is gone and I don't miss it) but I'm not sure I can bear the thought of another woman either! Selfish I know!
I guess I need to be the one who makes the decision as he won't and tho it hurts, perhaps the time has come to go our separate ways

Have you thought about the example you are setting your son.

A lack of showing each other affection seems very sad.

My parents were like this and I have to admit to struggling with relationships and feeling like I can express emotions.

I think you need counselling.