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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is he

84 replies

AngelThursday · 19/02/2017 17:19

Need some advice and first time posting so please be kind! Bit of a back story I'm afraid.
Basically DP and I have been married for 16 years with one DS age 15. We met and married quite quickly as we both wanted to start a family and age was not on our side. DS came along quickly and then I fell pregnant again just over a year later. Sadly I miscarried which I found deeply traumatising. DP was upset too but more matter off fact.
After that, what with the trauma of the miscarriage and looking after DS I kind of went off sex. Eventually DP stopped asking and our love life ground to a halt. We haven't slept together in over ten years.
Our marriage, which to an extent, was a bit of a marriage of convenience, has trundled along fairly amicably since. He has many good qualities and has provided well for us financially (he is very successful in his field) and I have been able to be a sahm all these years, pursuing my own interests, and enjoying some luxuries such as a cleaner and gardener, and we go on several holidays a year. When we first married he worked very long hours and so I was very much left to look after DS on my own but this enabled him to be successful and in more recent years he has been able to work free lance giving him more flexibility with his time.
So now I've discovered he's been having an affair for over 4 years! I'm devastated by the deception and betrayal of course, and am stunned by his duplicity. He is citing the main reason for the affair as a lack of sex and intimacy within our marriage which I can see but I feel he should have told me how he was feeling, not gone off behind my back. When I asked him why he didn't talk to me about being unhappy he said he didn't want to break up the family and wanted our DS to have a secure home life.
He assures me the affair has now ended (I'm not convinced) and he wants us to try again but I feel I can't trust him anymore and that his motivation to stay together is to keep face (he is very conscious of this) and because it's easier financially. He accepts he did wrong but says I was niaive to think everything was fine as it was and to an extent, what did I expect him to do all these barren years?
So am Aibu in thinking he should be eating humble pie and begging my forgiveness or does he have a point, and that I am in part to blame?

OP posts:

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 19/02/2017 18:16

Also there is nothing in your post about how you feel about this and towards him.

Are you upset about this because you love him and feel betrayed or because it's threatening your current lifestyle?

clumsyduck · 19/02/2017 18:21

I think it's pretty naive to think you can be married and not have sex for 10 years when clearly it's not a mutual decision

AliTheMinx · 19/02/2017 18:32

I have some sympathy with the OP. I was raped when I was 18, but was then able to have a pretty normal sex life after counselling until I suffered a miscarriage. After that I became obsessed with having a baby and everything focused on TTC, which eventually I did after another miscarriage. The whole process was very scientific though - all about measuring fertility, temperatures, discharge, etc. All the joy of lovemaking was removed as all we wanted was to replace the babies we had lost. Whilst pregnant we were both so frightened of something going wrong that we refrained from sex. Unfortunately during childbirth the memories from the rape came flooding back and I was later diagnosed with PTSD. It was a traumatic assisted birth and my son was in distress, and my poor DH was also pretty traumatised and saw a lot more than I had hoped he would! On top of that I had a very severe tear which required surgery, followed by endless infections, a broken perineum and ruined pelvic floor muscles leading to a leaky bladder. It is awful. I hate my body and what I have become but our son is our world. I have found it hard to have any kind of sexual relationship and our son is now 5. We have had intercourrse a few times but I don't enjoy it as I am so paranoid about my body. My husband also seems quite traumatised and his sex drive has almost disappeared too. We both love each other and still cuddle and kiss, etc, but sex just doesn't seem to feature anymore. He is very understanding. He never had a very high sex drive and he is not the type to have an affair, but occasionally I do wonder how I would feel if he were ever to have an affair....

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2017 18:43

"After that, what with the trauma of the miscarriage and looking after DS I kind of went off sex. Eventually DP stopped asking and our love life ground to a halt. We haven't slept together in over ten years. "
How did you feel about sex at the time OP? Were you indifferent to it? Repulsed? Scared to risk another miscarriage? How long did 'eventually stopped asking' take? Six months? A year? Five years? And when you said no, how did you feel saying it? Did you expect to feel differently about it sometime later? Or were you glad he stopped asking?

I'm trying to gauge where you thought your marriage was.

EmeraldScorn · 19/02/2017 19:02

This might sound really horrible but....

I can't find it within myself to blame him for looking elsewhere and I say that as someone who thinks cheating is the lowest of the low but I honestly wouldn't expect anyone (male or female) to go without sex/intimacy in a relationship, especially not for as long as ten years.

I can understand "dry spells" due to illness or childbirth but after ten years improvements could have been made. He gave you a comfortable life and you didn't want to leave him because you have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle (judging on what you've said) but I think that's a pretty shallow and selfish approach to take.

He should have left you or you should have left him - You weren't happy and he wasn't satisfied. As much as I hate cheating, I couldn't go ten years without sex and I'm not surprised that your husband couldn't either.

I think there's some forgiving to do on both sides, but it's either forgive and repair or forgive and part - If there will still be no intimacy he will cheat again!

user1487363511 · 19/02/2017 19:09

I'm going to be in the minority here but I don't necessarily think that no sex = no marriage. Ok, intimacy and sex are important (in the young days) but if you are genuinely planning on spending the entirety of your lives together, until death do you part, then there are going to be quite possibly long periods without any sex. Being affectionate and sharing part of yourself that your freibds/strangers don't get to see is more important imo. Everyone saying that it's basically a platonic relationship and blaming op for her H looking elsewhere have also failed to notice that op hasn't had an affair and she's been in the same relationship! I love sex, and I welcome intimate affection, however I love my oh for who he is and how he treats us, faces the world, etc, not just because he fulfills my needs as a woman, and if ever there came a time he couldnt/wouldn't "perform" how I like I wouldn't stop loving him nor look elsewhere and destroy our partnership!

MadMags · 19/02/2017 19:21

Except the OP chose this life, user.

Not her dh.

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone · 19/02/2017 19:30

You chose no sex and describe it as a marriage of convenience for you. You get money and a house, what does he get?
There doesn't sound like there's any love there, let the poor man go so he can find someone who wants the same

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 19/02/2017 19:40

I think people are very harsh.
OP, no it's not right what he did. There is a problem that needs solved if you want to go forward and I think you both need professional help.

Pacha11 · 19/02/2017 19:40

You didn't have sex for 10 years and you are suprised he had an affair? Wow!!!

secondhoneymoon · 19/02/2017 20:05

I agree it's not right what her husband did but completely understandable

MrsExpo · 19/02/2017 20:09

You're not partly to blame OP, you are entirely to blame, so yes you are being very U. Why on earth should your DH "eat humble pie" when he's been living a sham marriage for so long. Either get in the game and be his wife in every sense, or get out and give him his life back so he's free to find a new, loving and equal partnership elsewhere.

chitofftheshovel · 19/02/2017 20:21

Fucking hell, whatever happened to female solidarity.

My limited understanding of marriage is that you do not enter into another relationship (sexual or emotional) with another person. OP's husband did this for four years, yet everyone is defending him.

The right thing to do if he could not live without sex would have been to a) he instigate getting help for them both as a couple b) separating from her before having an extra marital affair.

I'm sorry OP that you've had this reaction.

Original poster

AngelThursday · 19/02/2017 20:53

Thank you for all your replies. They've certainly given me food for thought.
I am deeply hurt by what he's done and feel he should of talked to me about how he felt. Perhaps a bit niaively I thought he was not bothered by the no sex thing as he stopped asking or initiating.
He has said he doesn't want to break up as he wants to keep the family together.
In my defence to those of you who have suggested I haven't contributed to the marriage I don't think that's fair. I've brought up our DS pretty much single handedly and supported DH by staying home so he could progress his career.
In terms of what I want, I don't know right now. I don't want to disrupt our DS but I'm not sure I can give him the intimacy he obviously craves. I also think he has feelings for the OW even though he hasn't actually said so. I guess it's not a quick decision.

OP posts:

MadMags · 19/02/2017 21:07

But what are you doing now that your ds is grown?

And, sorry, but just because he gave up doesn't mean he stopped wanting to have sex for the rest of his life!

It sounds like you have a very cozy little number and everything has been on your terms and for your benefit.

secondhoneymoon · 19/02/2017 21:09

You can't make a quick decision about something like this, maybe counselling would be helpful to help you both work everything through?

I know some of the posts (mine included) were a bit harsh but if you re-read your OP and how you came across maybe you'll understand why

Hopefully now MN will go into helpful mode and support you through this difficult time

RebelRogue · 19/02/2017 21:15

In an ideal world he should've left or talked about it,counselling and try to fix things if possible.
In an ideal world you wouldn't have accepted the status quo because it suited you and it was convenient. I don't buy it that you were naive,you just didn't want to rock the boat.
But it's not an ideal world and it isn't an ideal marriage. It's a marriage of convenience and for the "sake of the children". You can split up or you can work on your marriage,knowing that it will involve some kind of intimacy.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/02/2017 21:21

Not including the affair, I'm not in a dissimilar position. I don't think I could blame my DH if he did have an affair. But I'd want him to be honest or just leave me tbh.

melj1213 · 19/02/2017 21:39

I don't want to disrupt our DS but I'm not sure I can give him the intimacy he obviously craves.

You can't have it both ways ... either you stay together for the sake of your DS but allow your DH to get the intimacy he clearly needs from someone else, as you have admitted you can't and it would be massively U to expect him to stay celibate indefinitely just because you don't want to change things even though that would make him unhappy ... or you break up which will case disruption to your DS but ultimately your DH can then get on with having an intimate and sexual relationship he wants and you can do whatever you want.

caz323 · 19/02/2017 21:43

I never ever thought I could possibly sympathise with a cheating husband/wife but for goodness sake! A whole decade of rejection?? Ten years? And now you are feeling hurt and want him to grovel??

It's curious too that in your original post you say that you have been married for 16 years but instead of referring him as DH, you call him DP??

Pacha11 · 19/02/2017 22:54

Why don't you want sex with your husband? You are really taking the Mickey, you know, OP. And I hate cheaters. But de facto he is not a cheater, is he?

Pacha11 · 19/02/2017 23:12

OP is afraid that OW has claim on her mansion... So best defence is an attack. Poor hubby...

TaliDiNozzo · 20/02/2017 06:46

It's not a marriage OP. You don't even seem to know each other.

disappearingfish · 20/02/2017 06:59

You want to have your cake and eat it OP. Your husband isn't happy to live a sexless life, so what does that mean for you?

And yes you have been the primary cater for your son but you have lived a very comfortable life as part of your husband's success. What happens when your DS is an adult? Do you ever intend to work and support yourself?

I also think that you are missing out! Would you consider counselling to see if you could restore your libido? Not specifically because of your marriage but because sex is a good part of life!

Fighterofthenightman · 20/02/2017 07:05

He shouldn't have has an affair but come on, you really thought he'd be happy to not have sex for over a decade? Sounds like you didn't even discuss it. He just stopped trying to have some intimacy with you so was easier for you to pretend he'd just stopped wanting sex altogether.

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