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Original poster

I am stunned at this wedding list

137 replies

Bananaknickers · 01/03/2007 09:54

Family member is getting married for the second time. She pinched her husband to be from his first wife( she was married too).He has his own business and she works full time. Now they have sent us a list from John Lewis if we want to buy something from there although they say we have lots already. Here's the good bit, they would like cash donations as they are building an extention on the side of their house

OP posts:
morningpaper · 01/03/2007 11:38

Towels ARE good - who ever has enough posh towels?

Swizzler · 01/03/2007 11:38

Oh, and M&S vouchers that we spent on a pinny (I was feeling domesticated at the time) some kitchen scissors and a lot of gin

brimfull · 01/03/2007 11:41

I agree with morningpaper,2nd weddings of middleaged people who probably have two houses and enough stuff shouldn't ask for presents or money imo.
Not saying I wouldn't buy a gift .

OP that is vulgar

TnOg · 01/03/2007 11:50

Maybe they should have a Greek themed wedding and people could pin money to the bride's dress.

In my opinion it is vulgar to stipulate cash as a gift, if people opt to give them money off their own bat that's ok I guess.

aquasea · 01/03/2007 12:31

I don't see the problem here. You never have to buy a gift...but lots of people like to. A wedding is a joyous, special occasion and it's nice to give a gift (and especially one you know they will like/appreciate - hence the whole idea of a wedding list). I think it's mean that so many of you seem to think it's "vulgar". No one is forcing you to buy anything (well, I am assuming the invitation doesn't say "we'd really like money for our extension... and if you don't give it to us you can piss off and don't expect a free meal, drinks and entertainment on us")

bristols · 01/03/2007 12:39

I absolutely refuse to give money as a wedding gift. They may as well charge you an entry fee. In this situation, I always buy a charity gift. Bought a desk and chair for a child in Africa for the last wedding we went to. It makes me so cross!

beckybrastraps · 01/03/2007 12:45

I have no problems at all with wedding lists. I would always buy a present if I were a guest, and as long as the list has enough of a range I might even use it.

I find asking for money a bit yeuch, but in kitty's case, I can see why they would do that.

But an extension is a huge amount of money. My gift would buy a few bricks maybe. It wouldn't feel like I was making any contribution at all. So asking for money for an extension is not on IMO.

FluffyMummy123 · 01/03/2007 12:45

Message withdrawn

BoolieTC · 01/03/2007 12:47

I reckon everyone should tale a brick!

BoolieTC · 01/03/2007 12:47

take sorry

fibernie · 01/03/2007 13:02

This just goes to show you can't please all of the people all of the time...
When we got married, we said we didn't need anything, and put together a list of charitable donations people could make if they wanted at goodgifts.com . However, I come from a small town and load of my parents friends complained that they wanted to buy US a present... so we put together a list at John Lewis. As it turned out, we got about half and half.
I'm not sure how I feel about the extension. A close friend of mine asked for the same thing... it was her Oh's second marriage and they both had everything they needed for their houses. Maybe its a Scottish thing, but I think if they hadn't asked for money for their extension (which is beautiful and cost them way more than they got in gifts) they would have been given lots of stuff they didn't need. Lots of people (often the older generation) WANT to give wedding gifts. They listed that £1 would buy a certain number of bricks, tiles etc, but also stated they didn't NEED anything. I think I gave them £20worth of bricks.
Take the lovely crystal decanter I got from my elderly aunt who took one look at our list and proclaimed 'They must need a crystal decanter"
Probably about £200 with glasses - gathering dust at the back of the cupboard.

LadyMacbeth · 01/03/2007 13:04

Wedding lists are bloody useful. It's so easy (and totally impersonal!) to go online and click a few buttons rather than traipse around various shops agonising over what to get, especially when spare time is so precious.

Slightly off-topic: The last wedding I went to was for a VERY well-off couple who have recently had their house renovated and their kitchen kitted out with the latest gadgets. We bought their gift at the last minute and all that was left was a load of crap. Somehow I felt that buying a set of champagne flute brackets 'so that one's glass doesn't fall over while picnicing at Glyndebourne' a complete piss-take and there was no way I was going to spend half a week's food budget on it (times is tight these days for the Macbeths) so I bought them a charity voucher that was also on their list. Felt a bit sanctimonious but pleased that my money was being better spent.

(I think the family member in question is bang out of order by the way!)

noddyholder · 01/03/2007 13:07

How rude und unneccessary.An extension that is making me laugh now as I can't believe two adults would actually decide to ask for cash like that Naff!

noddyholder · 01/03/2007 13:10

A couple at dp's work got married They had been together years and had all the kit injc a flat but they asked for money as they wanted to go travelling I thought that was bad but the extension is hilarious!

Lovecat · 01/03/2007 13:31

Last wedding I went to, the couple asked for money, but in a nicely humorous way (there was a little rhyme inside the invite, can't remember how it went but it didn't raise any hackles), and it specifically stated that that was only if we actually wanted to get them anything - no obligation.

As Mr LC is the bride's boss and he knows exactly how little she earns in his skinflint firm, AND up til now she's been a single parent through no fault of her own, we were more than happy to give them the dosh...

I think the OP's relatives are v. cheeky and the brick/teabags option is definitely to be considered!

MP - that is one fuck-off ugly soup tureen. And I like kitchen crap! (your post about the late 1980's had me shuddering in recognition - my bridesmaid's dresses were from Laura Ashley - thankfully non-floral! )

LittleSarah · 01/03/2007 13:37

I think it depends on the couple and the situation surely?

And of course many people like buying presents and like the guidance of a wedding list. So in the end you always seem to be pissing someone off. I don't think I'll bother with this marriage malarky.

Still, I do think asking for money is off.

donnie · 01/03/2007 13:42

get them something really naff and ugly like his and her soaps on ropes.

grannycrackers · 01/03/2007 13:44

i wish i'd asked for an extension now

i've also lost the top to my crystal decanter

Greeves · 01/03/2007 13:46

I bought dh a bar of soap once that said Arse on one side and Face on the other, in case he got them mixed up

I think it was from BHS, it would make a lovely wedding gift

lynniep · 01/03/2007 13:46

I don't have a problem with wedding lists or requests for cash for specific purposes. I think they're very useful if you want to buy the couple a gift, but you're stuck for ideas and would like to get them something they need. However, I usually give them something non-list related anyway, and if they don't appreciate it, then stuff them!

Nor do I have problems with giving gifts for second weddings.

What I do have a problem with is the way that its sometimes worded, or the implication from the couple that its expected.

With the wording, I would expect it to say something along the lines of 'if guests wish to give presents, gift ideas can be found on our gift list at blah blah... ' Anything saying 'the bride and groom would appreciate cash donations for so-and-so', without also including a 'no gifts expected' sort of line, is kind of rude.
I think a lot of folks don't think about their wording hard enough, because it can offend and they may not realise that its being interpreted as an instruction.

We had a bit of a wobbly time recently concerning the wedding of some quite close friends. The bride didnt just imply, but stated quite clearly that she expected presents.
She said that as they were forking out such a lot of money on a party for so many people, that gifts were a small token in exchange, and that it would be rude not to give them.
We (some of the friends of bride) were quite gobsmacked at this attitude. Our (my) opinion is that the wedding is for you (as the bride and groom) and its your choice to celebrate it in the way you wish, but to imply its for the benefit of others is downright cheeky.
Although people love weddings, they usually have to fork out a fortune just to attend and they're not doing you a 'favour' in doing so, they're sharing your special day as you presumably want them to be there with you. The idea that it should be an 'exchange' is just insulting to those people.

Sorry, had a bit of a ramble there...Anyway, we agreed to disagree and they had a lovely day...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/03/2007 13:53

Can you all chip in and buy me one of those soup tureens for my wedding in November please

Seriously though, Im going to need ALOT ( Greeny) of help wrt etiquette, invitations and gifts......if not least because I hate china ornaments and lead crystal

Manictigger · 01/03/2007 14:15

I wish we hadn't had a list when we got married 12 years ago but it seemed to be the thing to do. All the things on it were quite cheap and very practical (we'd both just finished living as students so didn't genuinely have much stuff) which meant everybody seemed to think 'ooh we can't get them just teatowels' resulting in about 5 sets of dessert bowls and a dozen crystal vases. They clutter up the sideboard because I'd feel really ungrateful getting rid of them.

As for second marriages, I think it's really cheeky ASKING for presents when people have already forked out once (SIL asking for M & S glasses at £20 a throw springs to mind... her brother, my DH is still bitter about it...)

DrMarthaMcMoo · 01/03/2007 14:24

My brother is getting married for the second time in November. Seems a bit harsh to say that his wife-to-be (who hasn't been married before) should dip out because he buggered up his first marriage (and he didn't anyway, his wife was a grade A cow who slept with his best friend when they had been married less than a year) and doesn't deserve any presents second time round.

Though asking for money for an extension is really unstylish, I have to say

oxocube · 01/03/2007 14:36

Think its in v poor taste esp as they have both been married before

Socci · 01/03/2007 14:39

Message withdrawn

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