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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my 15 yr old DD

94 replies

memorial · 18/02/2017 13:38

That's it really. She was a lovely little girl in primary school. She's bright and beautiful. But just so awful. Rude, attitude, not achieving at school, does nothing in house ( I am single working parent with younger DD2 as well). Wants to go out every night or have friends stay. Every conversation ends in an argument. Horrible to her sister. Just don't like her one little bit at the moment.

OP posts:

ghostspirit · 18/02/2017 18:56

I don't think op really hates her Dd. But hates how she is being...since about 14 my Dd started really playing up
She's 19 now. She failed maths at school not much effort in trying to sort it out. Been on several course that she never sticks to or if she does she slacks. Does not stick to a job. Everything is everyone else fault. She had caused some horrible aguments. Some of them still hurt very much if I think about it. The way she talks to new is a bit better and if I ask her to do something it's not as bad. But she's still quite selfish and her tone is often shitty. But she is better compared to 18 months ago..so I'm hoping the end is near and she is on the way to out growing it. I love her to bits I could never hate her. But I do hate how she has been.

Probably not helpful op but I hope you find a way of managing.. oh and defo don't take bait

Hopelass · 18/02/2017 19:10

Op I completely understand what you mean when you say you hate her. I have two small boys but I was 15 once and my mum said similar to me. I was a bitch I don't know how she put up with me. She was a single parent too and now I realise, a saint! We're very close now. Hopefully it's a phase and she will grow out of it. It must be really tough. I don't like my 3 year old much at the moment and I hate saying it but is true.

MyWineTime · 18/02/2017 21:46

it sounds like you're slightly obsessed with her being grateful to you because you haven't left her. the fact that you said you've brought it up to her suggests that you use your own anger at your mother's failures to try and guilt her into good behavior.
^^Yes this
Your experience with your mother is having such a massive impact on how you are parenting your DD.
There is no need for you even to discuss with her what your mother did to you. She shouldn't have to feel grateful that you haven't left her.

Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 21:49

I have mainly dealt with all this also terribly at times by mollycoddling my teens and they don't really go out much socially.
I had such an awful teenage hood I cannot bear the idea of any of it happening to them and am totally over protective which causes no end of drama

MorrisZapp · 18/02/2017 21:57

I'm not at that stage yet but I always recommend the Alison Lurie novel The Ear Between the Tates. It's a sixties campus novel about a cheating college professor, but I bet the sub plot about the wife's changing feelings for her children would strike a massive chord.

Such a brave book for it's time and yes the two teenagers in it are truly fucking ghastly.

MorrisZapp · 18/02/2017 21:58

Lol, it's the War Between the Tates not the ear

corythatwas · 18/02/2017 23:07

I understand that you must be exhausted and that she may be very difficult.

But this is wrong:

"And so cross she is so ungrateful. Because she has what I didnt, a loving caring involved not crazy (mostly) present mother."

You are expecting her to make it up to you that you had a horrible childhood which you did not deserve. Somehow she has to be better behaved than some other child whose mother did not have an unhappy childhood, somehow it is more ungrateful of her not to behave than it would be for some other child. Those are unfair expectations and if she realises this she is bound to resent it.

She needs to behave because it is right, because you deserve consideration as a human being, not because it is part of her job in life to make up to you for the unhappy childhood you had.

ppeatfruit · 19/02/2017 10:02

Yes NannyOg and Cory So true.

Lorrie3188 · 19/02/2017 11:55

At a risk of sounding dramatic, my mother told me when I was in my early 20's that she didn't like me at all when I was 15/16 and I was a horrible person and it affected me to the core, so much so that I cried instantly. I still remember the feeling now. I urge you to keep the thoughts to yourself and remember what a hormonal and difficult time it is.

Obviously if there is blatant outrageous behaviour then discipline, but do it with love. X

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/02/2017 22:31

My mother used to tell me that although she loved me, she didn't like me very much a lot of the time in my teens.
I remember thinking "the feeling's pretty mutual, actually" although I'm pretty certain I never actually said it out loud.
Didn't like my siblings much either.
Wasn't really a very happy time in my life at all, and as teens do, I took it out on the ones closest to me.

Dad told me later that they knew I was unhappy and depressed (at times) but just had no idea how to reach me - I was pretty gobsmacked, didn't occur to me that they'd really even noticed the unhappiness, let alone cared!

TheFullMrexit · 19/02/2017 22:39

Helena amazing jotting down your advice for the future. Book sounds good too. Good luck op. It is challenging age and I would hate to be 15 right now with all the extra pressures they face. Constant filming on the phones and feed back of their lives, looks etc. Deep breath pick battles

TheFullMrexit · 19/02/2017 22:39

Thumb what should they have done!

Original poster

memorial · 19/02/2017 22:42

thanks all the insights have helped. So maybe AIBU, and maybe projecting a bit.

OP posts:

gandalf456 · 19/02/2017 22:43

You don't hate your Dd. I'm surprised anyone here believes that. If she morphed it now he lovely girl at primary, you'd love her all over again.

I think it's both an elementioned of teenage hormones and memories of your past. Both is normal /understandable.

Maybe try to talk about the past to someone you trust. I see you've got your sister so that's good.

As for the rest, grit your teeth, pick your battles and give a.little more attention to young Dd to show older Dd the world doesn't revolve round her.

I am In a similar situation op and sought help from CAmHS.

Like you, it brought back some un pleasant memories of bossy older Dd who got all the attention with similar behaviour. I was thexpecting young Dd and it's only now that I realise how it affected me and I'm desperate not to make the same mistakes my mother did

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/02/2017 22:43

Maybe asked me what was wrong, Mrexit? They didn't even do that.

gandalf456 · 19/02/2017 22:44

Sorry . Wrong thread !!!

gandalf456 · 19/02/2017 22:45

Actually. No. It IS the right thread

DragonNoodleCake · 19/02/2017 22:55

'Arrogant self centredness' oh goodness yes, that...my DD1 was the queen of that. It is teenage years though. Tough to get through but possible.
I'd hate to be a teen today - all the hormones and growing up angst with life in the social media glare constantly.
Just try to remember, you are both having a tough time and take time to try explain things to her, it might go in one ear and out the other now, but she'll remember it in about 3 years from now.

user1471545174 · 20/02/2017 00:08

Keep protecting the 9 year old. She will remember and repay you when her difficult years come (voice of experience as the younger daughter, same age gap).

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