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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my 15 yr old DD

94 replies

memorial · 18/02/2017 13:38

That's it really. She was a lovely little girl in primary school. She's bright and beautiful. But just so awful. Rude, attitude, not achieving at school, does nothing in house ( I am single working parent with younger DD2 as well). Wants to go out every night or have friends stay. Every conversation ends in an argument. Horrible to her sister. Just don't like her one little bit at the moment.

OP posts:

barinatxe · 18/02/2017 15:56

It's a phase most teenagers go through. Most people grow out of it eventually, in a few years time your younger child will be making you feel this way and the elder one will be completely the opposite.

You've got to either give up and let her fuck up her life, or become immune to her insults and just let her work through this period.

DJBaggySmalls · 18/02/2017 15:58

YANBU, this is real life not the saccharin fake version. You wont get on with everyone you meet and sometimes those people are your relatives.

bumsexatthebingo · 18/02/2017 16:04

Yabu. You hate her because of how she behaves yet you admit you've cause she the behaviour by spoiling her. Hardly her fault is it? Stop pandering to her and get some boundaries in place and I'm sure she'll become a lot nicer to be around.

TheCakes · 18/02/2017 16:05

Do you ever get time on your own with her? I know it's hard as a single parent.
I've got boys and my almost 15 year old has been a horror lately, but the glimmer of hope I have is that when it's just me and him, he's lovely.

Didiplanthis · 18/02/2017 16:14

Hi. Am guessing from one of your comments you may be a doctor or HCP of some sort and it's tough when you work your backside off day after day and have it thrown back in your face by people who can be unbelievably rude with staggering expectations to come home and have more of the same when that's your down time. I suspect your fuse is already shorter than you would like but the constant grind of never winning anywhere. I am sure you are doing a great job with your daughter all I could suggest is absorb or try and bounce off what you can while keeping the important ground rules firm even when they are being trampled all over. I'm trying to do this with my younger but struggling son. But yes it sucks. And no it isn't fair or what you planned. Credit to you for doing what you are doing.

SecretWitch · 18/02/2017 16:15

My dd was a nightmare between 13 and 16. I was honestly happy when she had a major strop and decided she would punish me by going to live with her dad. She is 18 now and is a completely lovely young woman.wishing you the best at this time,Op.

PossumInAPearTree · 18/02/2017 16:19

Is she year 11? My year 11, 15yo dd is stressed out her mind with GCSEs looming. I'm cutting her some slack.

toomanycatsonthebed · 18/02/2017 16:27

My dd just turned 19. She was a hideous 15-18 year old. I did hate her behaviour and didn't want to be around her ungrateful, selfish, thoughtless, rudeness. Her behaviour drove me into stress and regular tears. Every word to me was a snarl or a sulk. She lied and seemed to be completely heartless. She did no chores without argument and barely scraped through exams. Today she is 19. She has a gap year job and will go to uni in September (with an extra foundation year because of her dodgy grades). She is mostly kind, thoughtful and pleasant. Looking back, the years 15-18 were horrible. I too an a single parent (twins). I recommend a pragmatic approach: develop a thick skin; only fight what is worth fighting over; stick to your guns in matters of important principle and safety; keep some point of friendky contact eg sharing a takeaway and video or going shopping and coffee (even if you havevto grit your teeth); don't get too freaked out by alcohol and parties but keep a watchful eye. And remember some teens just seem to have to do it this way. You haven't done a bad job and she isn't going to grow up to be an evil witch. You just have to tough it out and try to laugh (wine?) when they are at their most foul. Good luck!

Eragonsegg · 18/02/2017 16:34

Yanbu. I have one. Sometimes she's the nicest kid in the world and other times she is utterly vile. She cannot speak to her siblings without disdain and sarcasm. On her own she's lovely. It's hard.

AllaboutsheZ · 18/02/2017 16:36

Remembering what I was like at 15, I'm sure my mum had the same thoughts. We argued constantly. I didn't listen to a word she said, and she didn't listen to a word I said. At 15 you think you're more mature than you really are. I would have appreciated my mum siting down with me, and asking how I was feeling and what I needed. More responsibility may help? 15 is a hard age, there's so much pressure from peers to be a certain way, it's stressful. I hope you can both resolve this.

Original poster

memorial · 18/02/2017 17:18

Thanks for some of the insightful comments, helpful and soothing.
for those who cant imagine saying you hate your DD I guess you have either been very lucky or not there yet. Before she was about 12 she was lovely and caring and we were very close.
I do have high expectations of her (she is more than capable), and I do worry some of her behaviour is risky (drinking and coming home way after her curfew, older boys).
I do try to spend time with her but she doesnt want to spend time with me.
Has been bribed into a day trip to London next week (our half term week) and will stay with my brother (they get on really well) for a few days
Hardest thing I've ever done. My mother left when I was 15, lots of emotions for me, as I cannot imagine leaving her but get so angry she doesnt appreciate how lucky she is

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 18/02/2017 17:25

Yes we host Italian students all girls the difference between the 14/15 year olds and 17/18 year olds is quite remarkable.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 18/02/2017 17:27

Ahh, your DM left home when you were 15, this is probably very relevant in your present relationship with your own 15 yr old DD.

Have you thought about counselling to talk the related issues over? Or failing that you could talk more here, or with a good friend?

Original poster

memorial · 18/02/2017 17:30

talk my lovely sister a lot. I know it is a difficult time for me and has affected the relationship I had built with my mother. because I can see that DD1 needs me more now than ever. And so cross she is so ungrateful. Because she has what I didnt, a loving caring involved not crazy (mostly) present mother.
But she knows all this, we have talked about it. She gets it. For about 2mins.

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 18/02/2017 17:36

Don't expect her to be grateful?
Or both practice being more grateful for everything together?
Be grateful for her?
Have a think around these different ways of looking at things?

ppeatfruit · 18/02/2017 17:37

It's extra hard for you but if you remember that your DD is going through an entirely natural stage. (that most of us went through) . I think if they remained so sweet we wouldn't want them to leave home ever! When the time came.

They have to strike out on their own sooner or later.

Winniethepooer · 18/02/2017 17:49

My dd is 15.
My 3rd teenager. I honestly had forgotten what a pain in tbe arse they are at 15.

For you, 15 is especially hard...
It will get better as she gets older.

MissMogwi · 18/02/2017 18:00

I too have a 15 year old DD and can empathise. It's hard work. She goes from her normal lovely self to a rude selfish brat. She looks like a woman but is still so (obviously) immature in some ways.

Luckily mine is ok at school and doing well. It's the boys, friends who are allowed to do what they want, social media etc that has been difficult.

Honestly these are tough times. I am just trying to keep talking to her, supporting her and trying not to kill her. Good luck to you OP and the rest of us.

bumsexatthebingo · 18/02/2017 18:17

Do you hate HER or the way she is behaving? If you actually hate her then I wouldn't expect her to be anything other than rude etc. When someone hates you you know it no matter how much they try to hide it. And if the person who hates you is your mother then that's going to be hard to take and will be effecting her behaviour. I would try and think of some of the things you like about your dd and focus on those a little more.
It seems you wanted to come on here and only get replies from others who hate their teens and agree that yours sounds awful. Which is all well and good but I doubt it will help your situation.

ApplePaltrow21 · 18/02/2017 18:25

it sounds like you're slightly obsessed with her being grateful to you because you haven't left her. the fact that you said you've brought it up to her suggests that you use your own anger at your mother's failures to try and guilt her into good behavior.

i think a large part of you is jealous of her. she has something you didn't have and you may be using her as a punching bag for your negative emotions. you want her to grovel. the truth is that excessive gratitude in children isn't actually healthy or right. 15 year olds are slightly selfish and that's life. they are not going to be perfectly mature adults.

i think you need therapy to come to terms with the fact that your own part in the relationship dynamic.

Squeegle · 18/02/2017 18:27

It is very hard. I do sympathise. I am single mum of 2DCs 13 and 15. It is just so hard to stay positive and optimistic all the time when they shoot you down! I just keep on going one day at a time, but God it is difficult, much harder than when they were little. And also, as a mum, you are kind of thinking it should be getting easier by now! But it's not

Squeegle · 18/02/2017 18:30

By the way, I don't think you need therapy! The resentment we feel that they are not grateful is perfectly normal. Yes, that may be true that teenagers are not grateful but as a human being it is impossible to feel anything but annoyed when you have taken time off work to take them to orthodontist/ hospital/ etc etc and then they still shout and say how selfish you are because you haven't done xyz as well! We're not saints are we?

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2017 18:40

And so cross she is so ungrateful. Because she has what I didnt, a loving caring involved not crazy (mostly) present mother.

It's hard, but she can't be grateful for having what you didn't because she actually has it.

It's like parents who try to make up to their children with lots of toys or holidays or whatever because they didn't. It doesn't work like that. Her life is what she is used to, not yours.

It is a difficult age. I'm in my 60s and I remember the rows I had with my mum. You'll get passed it if you remember to treat her as her and not as part of you.

Hadjab · 18/02/2017 18:40

You can hate someone and still love them.
No you cant, that is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard.
I have never forgotten, but I have forgiven. Now I like my mum (as I was able to move away and draw up boundaries to her narcissistic behaviour) but I will never love her because of her emotional abuse.

You haven't forgiven her, if you had, you'd love her.

saoirse31 · 18/02/2017 18:47

Just to say that also dont be afraid to look for help if u need it or think she does. I'm talking in terms of behaviour or anger mgt.

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