To hate my 15 yr old DD

[memorial]

That's it really. She was a lovely little girl in primary school. She's bright and beautiful. But just so awful. Rude, attitude, not achieving at school, does nothing in house ( I am single working parent with younger DD2 as well). Wants to go out every night or have friends stay. Every conversation ends in an argument. Horrible to her sister. Just don't like her one little bit at the moment.

I don't know if I hated my DD at that age but I certainly disliked her at times. Lots of times. She knew how to push every button - no-one has ever been able to wind me up to the extent that she could as a teenager. All I can tell you is that it gets better - she's lovely now and we have a close relationship. Hang on in there. And just try to engineer times where you can start to like each other again - I realise if you're a single working parent and there's a younger child that's going to be really hard, but if you could ever do something like the cinema together (the cinema is actually perfect because it's a shared bonding experience but you don't actually have to talk to each other) then that'll help a huge amount.

15 is a nightmare age, my DD will be 15 in June and so far (crosses every digit) not too bad, but I'm preparing myself.

I can remember being 15 (yes it was 35 years ago ) but we didn't have the unmitigated shit that 15yo now have to deal with.
I have no inkling into all the jealousy, the bitchiness, the standards they set themselves.
Add to the fact they face job,money,housing nightmares in their future.
Who'd be a teenager?

She's hopefully mature enough to talk to on a serious adult :adult (well teenager) level.

I have a 17yo DS who is starting to morph into little git teen but its more his non thinking , lack of empathy that out'n'out nasty, but we'll get there.

Love the sinner, hate the sin .

When did we get a gin emoticon ?

I sympathise as one of my teens put us through hell. It is a really shitty time for some kids/parents. Mine was so bad she could no longer live at home from 18 (anger issues and abusive to siblings etc). The house was like a war zone 24 7. Luckily she was offered somewhere to live nearby with friends and we get on ok now although I guess it still hurts when I think back.

Ignore the sanctimonious sniping OP - there is always one. My children are not at that stage yet but I remember being fifteen (vaguely!) and am not looking forward to them reaching this time. I hope that she improves very soon.

OP you really need to read this short book:

The Princess Bitchface Syndrome: Surviving Adolescent girls.

www.amazon.co.uk/Princess-Bitchface-Syndrome-Michael-Carr-Gregg/dp/0143004662?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Basically don't blame or hate your DD, its hormonal changes, that are to blame for this. Obviously not all girls are effected the same. But your DD is clearly more effected than most.

When did we get a gin emoticon ?. In honour of zombie.
15 is a shit age, it will get better.

Hate is a pretty strong word. Nothing will improve if you communicate that hate to her.

Such a difficult age, you know you don't hate her really, just hate her behaviour and this awful phase she's going through.

I have two 15 year olds and sometimes feel like I'm in a slightly abusive relationship, ridiculously pleased at a scrap of interest or reasonable behaviour from them.

Is your DD in year 11 - if so it's a particularly shitty time for them.

I was horrible when I was 15 (Only realise that now I'm a parent myself!)

My Mum used to tell me that she loved me, just didn't like me very much at times, I couldn't imagine her saying she hated me.

Thanks all even the snipers. Am actually old school mumsnet so not easily scared off.
Of course I don't tell her I hate her. But sometimes I do a bit especially when she tells her 9yr old sister she should never have been born.
She really is imposs9. It's the arrogant self centredness I hate the most. And the throwing away school. She is super bright but coasting to average low results. Her teachers are concerned.
Her father is a dick and she has a penchant for bad boys ( sadly learnt behavior).
Almost impossible for either of us to interact normally with her. We do try.
And yes some days I hate most people. I work in a profession which is slowly being destroyed by the demand of the British public and making me hate a job I love and am good at. So yes doesn't help.

It doesn't sound like a bed of roses for her just now either. And I wonder if that's what you're struggling with too- that your "effort" hasn't been enough? That despite being all the mum you could be while holding together a family unit and a job andall that stuff... you now feel like a failure. And you hate that, not her? Just a thought.

But when you think that hurt people hurt people can you see how hurt your wonderful girl actually is right now to act in the ways she does? That maybe the shit she throws at others is actually what she feels about herself so she is really saying "I wish I hadn't been born, I hate myself" etc
Stick your teflon coat on and Mum up for this part of the journey too- you're almost there! Don't fail her now by proving to her that she actually is unloveable...because I bet that's what she thinks too.

I remember being 15. I was awful. My family talk about that time now with laughter but st the time I know I drove my mum to the edge of a breakdown. I feel awful now and wish I could turn back time but do expect it from my own children at some point and I will stand by then the same way my mum did with me. Ofctouse she hated my behaviour and I'm sure me at that time.

Your not a bad mum for saying it. I think others get off more easily with their teenagers and therefore can't understand.

I sympathise OP. Mine got worse when she started 6th form and realised she was 'better' than me. I didn't get an education and even though I've built a business without any training, she feels above me because she has what I didn't have. She's full of driving lessons and university at the moment even thought she knows we can't afford them.

When she starts with her attitude I ask her to give me her phone and go and do her homework /tidy her room or the kitchen. She snaps back pretty quick! And then we get a few days peace. If I say no to something (expensive shopping, something 'all her friends have' etc) and she gets rude about it I remind her about her phone, allowance etc and offer to stop paying for those. She's smart enough to realise how lucky she is even if she'd prefer I dont remind her.

It's a tough age with hormones, studies etc and they think they know it all. I'm biting my tongue all the time.

We were all 15 once and I'm sure for a lot of us it wasn't the best of times. I will admit to going slightly in the opposite direction to the path my parents wanted for me albeit temporarily but I was rude, self centred, dramatic and a downright little bitch for a time.

I'm not proud to say that I broke my mum's heart on a fair few occasions, why? Because I was 15, trying to find my place in the world and I didn't think anyone could ever understand how hard my life was (My life was in no way hard).

I came through it though, settled down, got my exams and I have a really close relationship with my mum.

I didn't like those early years of being a teenager, I think it was all just too much at once - Hormones, exams, boys, friends, social expectations, the potential list of perceived problems really is endless when you're 15.

It's normal to feel frustrated with your daughter OP, just persevere, continue loving and believing in her, she will hopefully come out the other side.

Good Luck!

Just wanted to add my sympathies - DD was a nightmare at this age. Fortunately, she saved her behaviour for home and worked hard at school. I think its worse when you're a single parent and have no-one to back you up or to take some of the flak. I know it completely ground me down and DS still finds it hard to forgive the unhappiness and chaos she caused in our home for months on end.

Hang on in there. My DD is now a completely different person - studying at uni and doing voluntary work with adults with learning difficulties. She and I now have a great relationship when she's home.

I found mindfulness and wine helped me keep sane when she was at her worst.

When my DD is being horrid I try to look in her face and see her as a toddler again. That helps me stop feeling like I hate her, because I don't. I just miss that toddler and it's painful at this stage to feel like you don't even know them anymore and they can be so horrid

This may be utterly unhelpful but I can't see a day where I'd say I hate either of my DC, DH, other family members maybe

I wonder how helpful it is comparing her with how she was when younger or with DD2(9) ?
How do you see her developing as she grows up? What are you hoping and aiming for?
What are her good points?

Reading this gives me a major pang of guilt for how much of a cow I was to my mum and younger brother when I was 15 (well, 12-16...). Thought I knew everything, was a complete bitch, and reduced my mum to tears a few times. I'm 27 now and we have never been closer, she's like my best friend. I think when I turned 16 I calmed down massively.

Another one seconding Helena - parenting as if they were two again, with the language adjusted, is the way to works. 14-15 is really, really hard, but the method stays the same. They don't just need firm, consistent boundaries, they crave the security of those boundaries. Yes, you'll get snapped at and have doors slammed and be called the worst mother in the world, but that is part of the deal.

My DD1 is 16 now and is almost universally lovely again. DD2 is 14 and has her very tricky moments, but she's one of those who is wise beyond her years - difficult in other ways.

There have been moments with both of them when I've wanted to wallpaper over them and leave them for a few years, but we're all still here. Good luck.

When I was 15 my mum went up the stairs saying "only 3 years to go". I still haven't forgiven her for it. Maybe I was a 'total cow', but I obviously didn't see it that way.

Your DD sounds exactly like mine 😒. This half term has been hell ignoring curfews, boundaries, turning the house into a stinking dump while I'm at work, demanding money /clothes, ditched her friends for a "bad boy", thinks she's 18 but acts like a big 2 year old .... the list goes on. I don't hate dd because I know there's a lovely dd in there that hasn't found her self yet and is on a path of rebellion, I just wish this phase would hurry up and end NOW. I've had a maximum of 3 hours sleep every night since half term whilst she lies in bed recovering all day. She has grown wise to my powers and knows I can't report her missing if she tells me where she is (which she does) but point blank refuses to be in by 11 turns up when she's ready with no apology between 1-3am. She has had no pocket money no priveledges etc I can't ground her as she walks out anyway threatening to call the police if I touch her to try and stop her. If she doesn't get her own way she is EA and blackmails me "fine I won't take my medication and I'll get excluded from school" and yes she does stick to that despite me not giving in.

I'm with cleebope on this. She will come back to you. DD was horrible at 15 but mainly with me. She still got on well with her dad and he would at least stick up for me too. I can see how it must be hard for you without that support, because some days I could have happily throttled her. Hang in there. Go and speak to her tutor and head of pastoral at school to make sure she doesn't slip academically because her GCSE years are so important. it's better to work with the school to get the 2 of you through this. The bright, beautiful girl is still in there but you might have to go digging a bit.

I don't want to alarm you but I had six years of this with DD1 from age 13 - 19. At 19 she moved out to go to uni and is now the lovely girl she used to be.

Best advice is to ignore the bad behaviour (unless it's dangerous/illegal) and reward the good but it is hard. DD had to move out for a week after she assaulted a sibling, it was awful and I didn't know how we would ever get over it, but slowly we did.

I think I did withdraw emotionally from DD just to keep myself safe, but I never told her I hated her. I do remember that sickening feeling of her coming home and feeling the whole atmosphere in the house change as she filled it with all her negativity.

There is a very good "teenagers" parenting forum on here - have you had a look at that? It helped me a lot. and

15 is a shit age but they do get through it.

My mother told me she hated me at that age and it didn't traumatise me into therapy. Most teenagers actually aren't one of those sensitive souls who are scarred for life by harsh words. Teens can be dicks but it ends.. it's all part of that detaching from the parent shit so they can fly the nest with no issues.